Monday, June 30, 2008

The Australian Weapon Of Mass Destruction

The Australians have for long been making Weapons of Mass Destruction. Not only that they’ve been using it quite freely. So far one particular weapon has been used against every possible opposition to the Australian statehood.

The weapon has been unleashed on New Zealand, South Africa, England, Zimbabwe, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Kenya and unfortunately India as well.

The United States has refused to accept the validity of these claims simply because Australian officials follow George Bush around like little puppies. George pets them and rubs their tummies. Later they all hit the nearest bar and have a FOSTERS. Just like FOSTERS is Australian for ‘packaged drinking water’ *cough *cough*BEER*; BUSH is Australian for ‘Dumbass Punk Brainless Moron’.

Recently, The Australian government decided to ban the sale of Uranium to India. That’s because the Indian scientists finally came up with a way to build Weapons of Mass Destruction. These weapons unfortunately run on Uranium. So we can’t operate these weapons without them.

Unfortunately for me, I diverted a lot of funds from by energy stocks to fund the research of the scientists. I raised even more money for this noble endeavor by walking into the nearest branch of the State Bank of India and taking a loan from them. I told them I was a farmer who lived in Vidarbha and they believed me.

On February 29, I learnt that I didn’t have to pay back the loan because the hon-her-able P.Chidambaram said it was unnecessary. I rejoiced.

I funded the research of the scientists simply because I need Weapons of Mass Destruction to destroy my enemies. Enemies like the Communists and rival stock marketers.Also, during Diwali I can launch these weapons into space and tell the multitudes of dorky stockbrokers on Dalal Street that I have the brightest and loudest fireworks.

I can then tie up with some foreign company that wants to set up an IPO. These weapons can then be marketed as the next big thing in the Indian fireworks industry. By creating this atmosphere I can ensure that the WMD/Fireworks IPO is oversubscribed thousands of times.

Because I think of all these things in advance I am known as a long term player in the market. It also shows everyone how smart I am.

All of this would have been a waste after the Australian government decided to ban the sale of Uranium to India. However I always have a back- up plan. I found a way to make the weapons work without the use of Uranium.

I was told the method of making the weapon work by an Australian farmer who had settled in India. He had gone to the State Bank of India and looked through their records. Apparently, he was there in the first place because despite having his loan waived by the government, he needed a new one due to the high cost of living caused by inflation. There he had found my name and now wanted market advice.

As part of an exchange he decided to tell me how the weapon worked without Uranium and in turn I told him how to make money in the Indian stock markets despite the falling Sensex.

Both of us are now happy. As of right now the weapon is in the Caribbean. When it is imported to India in October I will give it to the scientists to mass produce it. Then I will activate it.

All I have to do is say ‘MONKEY’.

Friday, June 27, 2008

A Study Of The Communists

The communists are an ancient tribe. They started out in the Stone Age often drawing symbols of the Hammer and the Sickle on the walls of caves.

In India the communists of today are headed by a man called Prakash Carrot.A 24 Karat numbskull with a brain the size of a dust mite. He is the leader of his tribe. Every week or ten days they meet in a secret location and worship their idol called the ‘POLITBURO’. The politburo is nothing more than a bureau with rusty metal hinges.

The communists sing songs and dance all night long in ceremonial robes. Some of them apply red marks on the bodies of others. They are known as Marxists.

Finally they tonk each others heads with hammers. Over the years this has caused serious injury to their leaders especially Prakash Carrot.

At times he is confused whether he’s supposed to support the government or oppose it. Till today Carrot has no idea why the hell he’s even supporting the Manmohan Singh Government.

I know Carrot is a communist simply by looking at his designation. He’s the CPI’s Secretary General. Only a communist organization would use such a lame ass term to describe its top guy. People don’t know whether he’s a Secretary or a General. Is he a General who is also a Secretary? Does that mean that he is busy typing letters while commanding the troops in war? Or is he a General who is someone else’s Secretary. Only the communists could invent an army where there is indeed a higher position than a General and the higher position is served by the General as a Secretary.

Prakash and the communists are strict adherents of the communist manifesto. I recently got a copy of it from the new chairman of the Bombay Stock Exchange. My study of the communists received a big impetus thanks to this strange book. Some of its points read:

  • Find a Capitalist Prime Minister and support his party. Then make his life hell by creating more trouble for him than the opposition. Support the government but act like an opposition YET oppose the opposition on the basis of ‘ideology’.
  • If something like the Nuclear Deal is good for the country, then it is by default bad.
  • It is necessary to have the government waste a ton of cash in trying to negotiate the deal for 3 years and then to stop the deal at the last stage by using the sacred word: OPERATIONALISE.
  • A sick old man of eighty called Pranab Mukherjee must be stressed to the point of Cardiac Arrest in negotiating the nuclear deal.
  • The party should use a stone faced mole man to shout at television journalists in explicit words. That man should be called AB Bardhan.
  • In case AB Bardhan does not produce the required effect, D Raja must be let out of his cage to go and abuse TV journalists in Tamil coated English expletives. He must also repeat ‘nuclear deal’ every 2 seconds and pronounce every as ‘yevery’.
  • Mulayam Singh Yadav and Amar Singh should be called ‘comrades’ and given undue importance so that Sitaram Yechury can act in a film alongside Amitabh Bachchan.That film should not be about the nuclear deal.

I am still in the process of decoding the fascinatingly useless mind of the communist through the pages of the manifesto.

Thank Ganesha, I’m no Communist.

----Rakesh Jhunjhunwala,
----Proudly Capitalist.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Team Chidambaram Sucks At Jeddah

The hon-her-able P.Chidambaram is at it again. He studied at Harvard’s Business School. It’s an institution that prides itself on the fact that it can create economists who will never be able to solve an economic problem. They are however good at coming up with complicated theories with a lot of graphs that nobody will ever understand. That’s the reason why Chidambaram is the Indian finance minister.

A brilliant political move on the part of Sonia Gandhi. Everytime he presents a speech or budget in parliament, the opposition fails to understand what he says, thus they keep quiet. Their only physical response is to bang the tables out of desperation their brains can’t understand or are simply unable to control the urine bursting out of their bladders since Chidambaram’s speeches are so loooooong.

Inflation has been worrying the country, more so ME because the markets have been falling like crazy. Even after Bainsla got the cash for his sex change operation the Sensex is still going down. Meanwhile the government, especially that bearded French talking monkey MS Ahluwalia continues to maintain that they can bring inflation under control.

The government seems to think that oil is causing the price rise. Chidambaram shed the lungi and assembled a team to go and persuade the Saudis to produce more oil. At Jeddah they failed to resolve anything and having wasted a ton of gas in fuel and cash towards hotel charges they came back empty handed. This has resulted in more inflation and price rise. I know this because I paid a buck more to my dhobi who ironed my white shirt in the morning.

Upon further investigation I learnt that the Jeddah visit was botched up because the team consisting of P.Chidambaram, Murli Deora and two cigar sucking ad makers failed to convince the Saudis about anything.

Chidambaram was way too busy confusing the Saudis with Harvard talk like “The intrinsic nature of the price rise lies in the fact that forces beyond human control that are derivatively consolidated through a mixture of the capitalistic nature of men compounded by the compulsions of the country’s leftist issues caused by certain imperialistically dogged red men facilitated by the mass exodus of the thimble wearing MS Ahluwalia. In other words all that I just said is just something to overload your neurons with so much information that you will be forced to give us oil”

This failed to overload the Saudi neurons as they wear protective head gear.

The oil minister was busy asking for oil. Not crude oil but the other oil. Oil of an alcoholic nature better known as Scotch.

The other two men in the unsuccessful expedition were two Indian ad makers. Chidambaram needed someone to make up the numbers at Jeddah and so he picked them up from a TV studio. These two guys have a lot of opinions. They’re always available to talk. One is a generic fat man called Prahlad Kakkar who gives away the impression that he’s very clever.

The other is Alyque Padamsee.Someone whose name sounds like a musical instrument. He’s good at explaining in vague details the reason why something happened. In other words he‘s a useless punk I don’t like.

Thanks to these 4 guys. Nothing got solved. Nothing happened and the markets continue to fall. Time for revenge.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Film Of The Year

Vinod Khanna recently bought a flat in my building. Apparently he got it for 30 crores. If I had brokered the deal I’d have gotten it for him for lesser. Ever since he moved into the building the guy simply can’t stop irritating me. Vinod is trying to make a big comeback to bollywood. His damn dialogue rehearsal in his castrated toad like voice had been irritating me .What’s worse is that he’d been rehearsing in English.

Vinod Khanna has no cool catchphrases.He had been trying to rehearse Hindi catchphrases of other famous heroes in English. My eardrums have been boiled to the core hearing lines like “Doggie, I Will Drink Your Blood” & “Bloody Sambha, How Many Men were present?” I had enough when he tried a Shakespearean variant of a famous Hindi movie line: “He Who Had-Est Becometh Scared-Est, Understandeth That Person Is Dead-Est.”

That’s when I marched into his house and gave him a brief yet very profound description of what I thought of him and his noise making tactics in 3 different languages. It finally hit him and he apologized. He then explained his problem to me.

“Vinod: Sorry Rakeshji, but I’m not getting inspired. Years of running behind women in extremely tight fitting pants have suffocated the blood supply to my brain. I can’t think clearly at all. I need a story that will allow me to make my successful comeback. An idea that is phenomenal and earth shattering and something that will be designated with 5 stars by overpaid critics on television.

Me: Hmmm, I have a story for you but I’ll give it to you only if you wear a chicken suit and say ‘Stock Portfolio’ 10,000 times.

Vinod: Sure, no problem. I’m shameless anyway.

Me: Good, then here it is. It’s a story of a man who was very poor. He then became rich. He then became richer and richer and richer and then he died. After his death, his two sons took all his money and made more money. The elder brother got 2000 Crore more than the other. This pissed off the younger one so much so that he stripped to his undies and ran the Bombay marathon which was renamed the Mumbai marathon thanks to Orange Guy and the Army of Shiva.

One day the younger brother wanted to buy a South African Telecom company but the elder brother tried to stop it. This pissed off the younger brother. Finally, things got so bad that they decided to settle this in a boxing match. The winner of that match would get the other’s money as well as his head.

The fight was so gruesome that they ultimately ended up killing each other.

Vinod: What happened to all their wealth?

Me: That’s the best part. It was taken over by a close family friend called Rakesh.

Vinod: Wow! But there are no chicks in the film.

Me: Sure there are, they’re definitely younger and thinner but they’re definitely there. They can play the brothers’ wives”

Vinod: Cool, can you find me a director as well?

Me: Sure. In fact I can get Steven Spielberg to direct the film.

Vinod: How come?

Me: I know this guy who started an entertainment company which will soon sign Steven Spielberg to work for him.

Vinod: But will he allow you to use Spielberg.

Me: I only have to tell him that the film Spielberg is directing will be largely based on his own life.

Vinod: You are very helpful; I’ll get ready to wear the chicken suit.

Me: You can do whatever you want with the film but remember that the character of Rakesh will be played by one man and one man only.

Vinod: Who? My bald son who isn’t bald.

Me: Shut up jackass.I meant this guy.”

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Neeraj And Mini-j 's Day out

At 1 am in the morning I dragged mini-j out of his bed. The poor fellow was still in his knickers and a green colored loin cloth. Ever since the flying baby disaster he had been acting like a little prick. Being the so called whiz kid that he is, he’s supposed to find newer ways of making money for me. I didn’t poach him from Accenture just so that he could sit all day long scratching his worm infested stomach watching Euro 2008.

Earlier in the day I had borrowed my servant’s wife’s baby. I carefully lined the baby up with Telebrands’ latest product “The Baby Launcher” and pelted mini-j’s head with it. Soon he was all right and making sense using sentences like “Diversifying Our Goals” and “Expanding Elsewhere” and all the crappy technical jargon they teach at the IIT and the IIM.

He arrived at my office smelling of jasmine perfume and started babbling on about things I didn’t even want to hear about. More technical jargon like “Goals That Need To Be Diversified” and “Elsewhere Something Needs To Be Expanded” .The only thing I paid attention to were the pie charts simply because I was reminded of pies but then again I remembered that I have diabetes, if the wife sees me eating sugary things then she’ll force me to grind the grass growing on my lawn, mix it with salt and eat it all alone.

That’s when I had enough. I called into my room the other pea-brain that works for me. A Neeraj Roy who I like to call Neeraj Roy. I assigned mini-j and Neeraj the task of going to the Renaissance hotel. The Renaissance is where foreigners who want to holiday come.

Sometimes an MD or CEO who has major health problems is told to come to India and “relax”.

I really don’t know what they mean by “relax”. Apparently the foreigner’s brain is enthralled at the prospect of beggars and hawkers, dirty streets and spitting men not to mention the street mongrel carrying a packet of food in his mouth every hour on the hour. It’s a chance for them to study the “unique” culture of India. The dumb shits.

Their task was to get these dudes excited about Hungama mobile. Hungama is a company I own. I invested money in it. Its sole purpose is to show pictures of Hindi film heroines especially those that can’t speak Hindi in very few clothing. I used my tremendous foresight a while ago before investing in Hungama because I saw promise in this market. The amount of money I make is inversely proportional to the amount of clothes the heroine wears.

Basic business principle; Scantily clad sexy women = money.

Neeraj and mini-j did a tremendous job convincing these idiots to invest in my company. They were “fascinated by the sound business principles the chairman (me) propagated”. I know they too wanted to look at pictures of Hindi film heroines.

So at the end of the day Neeraj and mini-j managed to convince these guys to invest in Hungama mobile. I will use the investment to take more pictures of heroines.

Finally Mini-j did something right, Thanks to Telebrands’ “Baby Launcher”.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Falling Sensex,Sex Changing Bainsla And Castro

The past few days have been difficult for me. Normally I don’t get flustered that easily. A sign of fluster-ation is the inadvertent swelling of my cheeks. They look like as though someone has surgically implanted a bright red tomato in them.

Now, the markets have been falling like crazy over the past few days. First a 100 points, then 200, then 300, then etc.I don’t get surprised if they fall simply because I know when they usually fall. I’m a market insider. So much of an insider that sometimes when the wife kicks me out at night I hop over to Dalal Street and sleep on the floor of the trading room. There I fiddle with the complicated instruments of all these broker guys.

When they arrive in the morning, they get flustered much like me. I enjoy their misery.So when the Sensex started to dip downwards, I got worried. I wanted to find out the reason why this CALAMITY was happening. Was it those damn honey sucking bears. The impoverished crappy financial policies of the lungi wearing Chidambaram or most likely some sort of an alien invasion?

Further investigation revealed the nexus behind this devilish plan. A joint partnership between that clown faced, garlic eating, green wearing, hair gel obsessed, third rate Santa Claus lookalike and a Bloody Communist-the ex president of Cuba –Fidel Castro and some loose character called Bainsla.

Fidel is a rebel. He revolutionized Cuba. But I’m also a rebel. Sometimes I rebel against society by combing my hair in another direction. That’s how rebellious I am. It’s really easy to revolutionize a country but to comb one’s hair another way-now that’s real badass.

The other name in this cruel partnership is the latest product from the IIT.Not the Indian Institute of Technology; rather the Indian Institute of Troublemakers. This dude has been wandering the streets of Rajasthan with his so called Gujjar brothers asking for reservation.

Now this guy comes from the army and is supposed to be a Colonel. My sources reveal to me that the only thing he ever did was to cook food for the real army men. An army that isn’t built on reservation.

So when I started to wonder how a guy who had worked in the army his whole life suddenly wanted reservation.I realized the truth. He had gender issues. He was sick of being stuck up in a man’s body. He wanted to be a chick.

He wanted a sex change operation. The story moved my heart. A tear fell down from my left eye.

This dude had no money to perform a sex change operation. That’s why he asked the Rajasthan government to pay for it. The government kept refusing. Finally he got pissed off and started to hold the country hostage. He called all his friends and took out trains and buses and caused a riot.

So what do Fidel and the falling Sensex have to do with this. Well Fidel recently promised free sex change operations to anyone in Cuba. Now the Rajasthan government wants to take advantage of this. They are making arrangements to send the turbaned Bainsla there because they can’t go around telling the country they paid for the sex change operation.

Now the government needs money for this. They are withdrawing it from the sensex.It’s to secretly fund Bainsla and everyone who is a dude but no longer wants to be one.

I keep shouting my head off on Dalal Street telling everyone the real truth behind the falling Sensex.It’s because of Castro, Bainsla and his damn Sex Change Operation.

Why won’t anyone believe me?

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Rakesh J's Telebrands Sucker Test

In order to make money from the markets one must find a steady supply of suckers. The sucker is a uniquely designed individual. One solely created so that guys like me can use them to make billions. They are motivated by their own greed to work hard and grow. The fact remains that no matter how much they make I will always make more.

They do all the work and I take all the credit. Sometimes they feel sad that I don’t appreciate them enough. That’s when I send a fruit basket to them so that they always think I care. In reality I don’t give a shit.

Some would say that’s evil but then again here’s my excuse……$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.........$$$$$$$$$....$$...

I’ve often been asked how I find these suckers especially by annoying and horny television journalists. I always avoid the question conveniently choosing to talk about something else.

My actual process for finding the sucker is a method I developed on my own. It’s called the Sucker Finding Process. The idea is to find an individual who has been reasonably successful in setting up his own company. I then evaluate him to see if he will be easily manipulated by me. If so then I invest in his company, if not I try to destroy his company.

Over the years my strategy has always been to use the advertising campaign of Telebrands to my advantage. Telebrands is an amazing company. They have scouts who stand outside peoples homes to pick stuff from their garbage. Every damn thing that can be re-used is carefully picked by the Telebrands scavengers. These things are then reshaped into crap that won’t cost more than a safety pin and sold to people for amazingly high prices.

Those people who buy these things are suckers.

Recently, I was approached by the CEO of a company called Clearstone.I hadn’t even heard of them before. They wanted me to invest in their company. I said I’d get back to them.

Secretly I contacted Gordy Brown to use his satellite. I carefully aimed the signal at the TV of Clearstone’s CEO and started running ads from Telebrands.I focused heavily on this device. It’s a thing with two grooves for your ankles. It’s sold as a ‘Home Jogger’ aimed at making you lose weight. In reality it’s just a useless battery operated flat grooved plank that moves from left to right.

Lo and behold! The jackass fell for it hook, line and sinker. He bought many ‘Home Joggers’ and even gave one to his fat, ugly wife.

My Sucker Finding Process had found another sucker. Without hesitation I invested 6.25 million dollars in Clearstone.They want to use this money to give their customers fancy ringtones and cheap games. I really don’t care as long as it’s profitable.

Imagine a guy who believes he can use a device that makes him thinner. There is no such thing. I know because I’ve * cough* used them all. But the important thing is even though I was a sucker once. I’m not one anymore. I find suckers and make them super suckers.

Are people really that damn horrendously stupid and gullible?

Yes, look at Clearstone’s CEO.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

How I Hide My Stuff

The calendar is a wonderful invention. I just found out that it was exactly a year ago…

Back when I was just a millionaire I came across a society of people whose job it was to steal from you. Those guys stole everything I had including my underwear. Being the extraordinarily clever specimen that I am I conveniently blamed my sudden decrease in fortunes to the ‘up’s and downs’ of the Sensex.

I more than recovered all that I lost when I was robbed. Proof of this lies in the fact that I am officially Mr.1062 on Forbes but unofficially I’m #1.It is better to pay less taxes being officially #1062 rather than pay more taxes as the official #1.

But now that I’m a billionaire a billion times over the secret society of thugs is back. They have vowed to rob me of everything. My Billions, My Millions, My Golden Ganesha Statues, My Underwear and even My Precious Ear Hair.

I knew for a long time that this day would come that’s why I took precautions a long time ago. I invested a shit load of cash in a security company called TOPS. I only bought 10% in their company but more importantly along with the 10% I got a Free T Shirt that hides my freckled chest to this day.

TOPS group provides the worst security anyone can ever dream of. Those guys can’t even guard a bloody toothbrush. That’s how sloppy they are. Their guards are so fat and sluggish that it makes me feel like superman. That’s also why I hired them. Simply because they keep my confidence levels up by making me feel like superman.

My objective is to deploy this bunch of overweight monkeys at decoy locations that I will perpetrate as those places where all my stuff is stored. That will obviously send the society of thieves there. They will do all the stuff that Tom Cruise did in the Mission Impossible movies only to find out that there’s nothing there. They’ll keep breaking in to all those places manned by TOPS and continue to not find anything.

As of right now, the society has broken into 65 locations. All they found was a bunch of sleepy guards, an army of rats, tons of cobwebs and a personally autographed picture of me.

This amazing idea has been so successful that I persuaded the TOPS group to acquire more guards so that they could grow. I will still maintain my ten percent and get a Free T Shirt every few months.

I can continue spreading false information as to where my wealth is stored. The thieves can keep breaking in and continue eating cobwebs. Their increased breaking in activities will lead to physical exhaustion and ultimately heart failure. It’s a very elaborate scheme. Something only I could have thought of.

It gives me an immense sense of satisfaction to know people can’t get to all my hard earned money. At the same time knowing that I’m cleverer than them makes me feel good. All I have to figure out now is how I can live forever. That way I can continue making money and making fun of people.

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