'I Did Not Rape That Girl. IT WAS A LIFT INSPECTION' - Tarun Tejpal

Dear Sir Sri Jhunjhunwala,

My name is Tarun Tejpal and I am not a rapist.

I used to run a magazine called Tehelka till I was forced to take a 6 month vacation .My idiot Managing Editor Shoma Chaudhury now runs the place while I do laceration and atonement.

No , Not the film 'Atonement' but you get the idea.

For the past few days News has been rife with news of something I was supposed to have done inside a Hotel Lift in Goa to a fellow employee at Tehelka.

I am writing this letter to you to put forward the facts of that night.I want to set the record straight.

1.) The event in itself can best be described  from many leaked emails and statements as rape , molestation , sexual harassment , sexual assault , sexual misconduct , sexual liason , sexual banter, one sided consensual sex, untoward incident  A LIFT INSPECTION.  It was a lift Inspection I had carried out that day with my young journalist friend. It had nothing to do with any criminal behavior of any kind.

2.) For long I have been worried about the state of India's elevators and LIFTS. More so, because our country's state of load bearing hydraulics and weight hoisting machinery from one floor to another has been very problematic.

3.) The problem of dangerous lifts was brought to my attention by well known singer and frequent Visa applicant, Adnan Sami who very beautifully annotated in his song 'Lift Kara de' the issue of weak and potentially fatal lifts.

4.) On the day of the incident I was merely doing a lift inspection, I had even hooked up one of my famous Tehelka sting operation cameras into the lift CCTV so that I could do a sting operation on the Hotel where I was staying. Unfortunately I found out much later that the lift had no CCTV in the first place.This was my sheer bad luck.

5.) I want to tell you categorically since you are the only person on this planet whose authority overrules even that of Arnab Goswami, The Supreme Court and The US President...combined, that I DID NOT RAPE THAT GIRL!

6.) It Was Completely Her Fault! She not only wore sexy clothes but also ate Chowmein and used fancy mobile phones - all of which have been comprehensively proven to cause rape according to Khap Panchayats. She was showing me pictures of Chowmein on her mobile phone in an attempt to titillate me!

7.) Despite such brazen provocations I did not get affected and continued to inspect the lift for faulty wiring,structural flaws,etc. It just so happened that this wiring happened to be in the girl's clothes and on her body.

8.) This is a political conspiracy to stop India from providing world class lifts to its citizens. The Congress and the BJP have once too often engaged in corruption and swallowed the funds meant for lift construction. These political parties want common people of India to be stuck in a tyranny of stair climbing while fat netas from their own parties continue to get LIFTED to higher levels.

9.) Tehelka has always stood for Strong and fair journalism. I am confident that despite my atonement they will reach higher levels...literally,because I have told Shoma to put more lifts in the Tehelka office building.Thus we will break our dependence on the laceration caused to our feet  by walking and climbing stairs.

 

In Conclusion - I Did Not Rape That Girl. IT WAS A LIFT INSPECTION - I REITERATE

                                                                                                                              

Journalist and Lift Inspector,

Tarun Tejpal

Progression : A Poem

The UPA's second rule

Was supposed to be cool.

But the common man is simply a tool,

Someone to be thought of as a fool.

Today they sit in Delhi celebrating 2 years of their second reign,

Trying to be unaware of everyone’s pain.

In the time they've been there,

Take a look at what we've had to bear:

Ashok Chavan steals flats,

He lies and hides the facts.

He was supposed to be the Chief Minister,

Instead he ended up an Adarsh trickster;

We can now call him a THIEF MINISTER.

Those flats belong to the Army,

If I were a Soldier he'd grab my home and harm me.

This fellow's task was to organize the Commonwealth Games,

Instead he played his own Wealth Games.

He's hidden the money well and gone to prison.

Stealing the country's money is nothing short of treason.

His name is Suresh Kalmadi,

Making him organize the CWG was a monumental tragedy.

Lalit Bhanot is his deputy,

His definition of the "standard" is a beauty.

Paisa kha kha ke Lalit Mota ho Gaya.

Lo ji! Desh ka Maal phir se chori ho Gaya .

Then there is Andimuthu Raja,

2G Spectrum ka Maharaja.

How many in Tamil Nadu starve without any money?

While his Dr.Kalaignar gorges on the finest honey?

Today the DMK is angry that their Kani is in jail,

Because Ram Jethmalani couldn't get her bail.

They don't care that she stole India’s money,

Forget Kanimozhi, we can all call her Kani-money.

The United Progressive Alliance.

I see unity and I see an alliance.

But the only Progression,

Is a hardcore Combination,

Of soul sucking Inflation ,

And as always of good old Corruption.

It took this man to stop eating

To remind them to stop cheating!

Kapil Sibal is breast beating,

He'll do anything to ensure the Lokpal's defeating.

CD's are made by Amar Singh,

Phone calls are gotten by Digvijay Singh ,

Now you know why Singh is King.

This isn't just a rant against the UPA,

I haven't forgotten the NDA.

I still remember the Coffin Scam,

+ The IC814 Clusterf^ck,

+ Gujarat

It’s impossible to forget 26/ 11,

The only thing he does is "condemn" 24/7

The Americans went into Pakistan,

Swooping in like Shaktimaan,

They smashed Osama,

Because that bold decision was made by Obama.

We on the other hand can't even hang a Kasab

Or an Afzal Guru.

Kyunki darr hain inko

Na jaane kya ho jaaye shuru?!!!

Saalon tum sab darte raho,

Aur darr hatane ke liye Mountain Dew peete raho.

Darr Mein Hi Chalo,

Aur Chunlu Bhar Paani Mein Doob Maro.

PIGEON HEADS II-When Enough Bodies Don't Hit The Floor

No matter how many defense companies I invest in I will be dissatisfied. Not because I don’t get fantastic returns from them but because I have to invest in them in the first place.

Consider the recent row speculating the success of the Pokhran II Nuclear test. Sometimes we just need to support our government whether its lead by the Congress or the BJP.We can criticize them every other time and there will be enough opportunities to do so – trust me on that.

Someone tell our lice eating,constipated,burrow dwelling journalist monkeys, with massive inferiority complexes who’ve been running their mouths off about the Pokhran II nuclear tests being a ‘failure’.

Perhaps our good carriers or creators of public opinion can get their heads out of their asses and just listen to what they’re actually saying.

These guys are unhappy that the Pokhran 2 Hydrogen bomb gave out a yield only of about 25 kilo tons as against the claim of 45 kilo tons.Thanks to scientist R.Santhanam who confirmed this, the people of India have now a new opportunity to be angry at their government for.

And if they don’t get angry there are enough technically correct characters who will write enough articles in enough newspapers and talk to more than enough news channels and say that Pokhran II was a fizzle and these news channels will make enough money from enough SMS’s asking if ‘India has a credible nuclear capacity or not’.

If these guys think 25 kilotons is a small thing then maybe I should just bundle all their fat asses, haul them to Pokhran and drop the very same hydrogen bomb on them that they’re so pissed off about.

After their carbon composed carcasses resurface in the earth as diamonds, I’ll float a ‘Pokhran Diamonds Mutual Fund’ and make another boatload of cash.

1 ton is a thousand kilograms and a Kilo itself signifies 1000.Here’s where I lose my patience….right

25 kilotons makes us a country without a credible nuclear capability but 45 kilotons makes us a superb nuclear country.

The bomb that America dropped on Hiroshima in 1945 killed more than One hundred thousand people. That bomb produced a yield of 15 kilotons.

The bomb on Nagasaki was slightly bigger and produced a yield of 21 kilo tons but because Nagasaki was sparsely populated ,compared to Hiroshima about 80,000 people died though that bomb could have wiped out more than ten lakh people in one shot.

Our bombs are still bigger than this and we have a whole mega stockpile of these things and unlike Pakistan which ripped off old Chinese discards and branded them as their own nuclear capability, our scientists built our bombs from scratch.

But we’re unhappy that our bomb cannot KILL more than Five hundred thousand people in one go. We want one which can kill five hundred thousand people in one go and if we don’t have one the good media can brand Pokhran II as a ‘DUD’.

Nobody seems to protest the fact that we haven’t built something that can save 500,000 people in one go.

But when we DON’T build something that can kill 500,000 people in one shot, all hell breaks lose.

The best way to protect yourself from someone who has nuclear weapons is to get your own nuclear weapons and we did that but because they came only in the ‘small’ and ‘medium’ sizes instead of the ‘large’ size, the government of today and yesterday is accused of lying and misleading.

Now thanks to the media everyone knows including those we made these bombs to protect ourselves from in the first place!

The same thing happened during 26/11 and when one guy wrote about it, all of a sudden he was the ‘bad guy’.

Sometimes the media should just know when to shut the hell up because some things must never be blown out of proportion whether it’s 45 kilotons or 25 kilotons. There is something called STRATEGY after all. For the nation’s sake some secrets must be kept.

In 1998 the world saw the biggest fireworks show on the planet, don’t forget that.

Special Observer Status: How Rakesh Jhunjhunwala Saved The BJP

The following is a transcript of a conversation from the BJP’s problem solving session known in Hindi as the ‘Chintan Baithak’ being held currently at Shimla. As a fair and objective, rational, handsome, strong, eloquent human being, I was invited to be an observer.

And considering God Ganesha’s given ability to solve problems, it really looks like I’m the only one who can solve the BJP’s problems and guess what, that’s exactly what I did today.

Presenting Rocky J @ BJP Chintan Baithak.

=================================================================================

Rajnath Singh : Hello everybody, welcome to the BJP Chintan Baithak. Please welcome Special Observer Shri. Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. Jaswant Singh is no longer a part of the party but he will be here via video conference to explain his position. Now let the blames begin.

Arun Jaitley: Rajnath, all I heard was BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! And more BLAH! Conservative dog shit baldy .I should be leader, Advaniji say something.

LK Advani: Screw you guys, I don’t even want to be here. I want to go home, eat pizza, drink coke and watch TV.

Jaitley: Then why don’t you just quit and make me leader.

Advani: I do want to quit you bastards, I’m bloody 81 years old and I quit the day we lost the election but the moment I said that, you bastards started to fight among yourselves all wanting to be leader. If I’d have let that happen, the party would have broken up into a million pieces and Sonia Gandhi would have started dancing.

Murli Manohar Joshi: Whatever man, I should be leader. At the age of 75 I’ve never felt younger.

M.A.Naqvi: No I should be leader not Jaitley or Joshi.

Yashwant Sinha : Shut the fu*k up Naqvi, nobody cares about you, you’re only the symbolic Muslim face of the party because we want the world to know that we’re secular even though we’re secretly controlled by a right wing Hindu organization. The only one who should be leader is me.

Sushma Swaraj: Oh hell no. Kiss my fat ass you piece of shit. You keep leaking letters to the media. Do you know what the party workers are calling you huh? They’re calling you “LETTER LEAKER”.I repeat “LETTER LEAKER”. That’s even worse than being called a “DOLL PRESSER”.

HUTCHINSON.D.PUG: *****I AM NOT A BLOODY DOLL PRESSER*****

Advani: See you’re fighting again.

Venkaiah Naidu: Eh people,what are we going to do about Jaswant Singh?

Rajnath: Okay, activate the video conference and bring Jaswant Singh online.

Jaswant: How are you? All you back stabbing sons of bitches?

Sushma: Oh come on man; don’t tell me you’re still pissed about being expelled from the BJP.

Jaswant: Of course I am, after 30 years I was sacked that too for writing a book .Worse I was sacked over phone.

Rajnath: Stop looking at me you fellows, we’re in a recession. I was trying to save money that’s why I sacked him over the phone.

Jaswant: You humiliated me, baldy!

Naidu: Relax Jaswant, it’s not personal. We thought it would be better if we sacked you over the phone, you’ll be getting your complimentary ‘I was with the BJP for thirty years’ T-shirt and Grain Sack as a symbol for your sacking in the mail, just relax.

Advani: You know Jaswant; ever since we’ve been out of power we’ve run out of money. We need to be in power to make money by taking bribes. All the money we had was blown up during the election campaign. That’s why Rajnath gave you the sack over the phone.

Jaswant: He was extremely impolite okay, he called up and said “Hey Jaswant, You’re Fired, Now Fu*K Off”, he didn’t even give me a reason.

Rajnath: What!! Isn’t it obvious, you wrote that stupid book on Jinnah you fat freak?

Jaswant: Oyey! Don’t say anything about my book baldy, you don’t even know English. You’re only a mass leader. I’m the liberal thinker and strategist.

Jaitley: Oh yeah! you’re definitely a great leader jackass; everyone knows that you’re the dude who screwed up the IC-814 hijack. Nice going.

Jaswant: You’re talking like I hijacked the plane, bastard.

Joshi: Oh yeah, a great thinker’s move to let the plane take off to Kandahar once it landed in Amritsar and what about you personally escorting Masood Azhar, dumbass.

Jaswant: Wait ,who was that who told the party workers to break the Babri Masjid, Oh yeah! that was you Joshi.

Pravin Togadia: RIOT everybody RIOT. Let’s blame the Muslims for the BJP’s infighting and blow up petrol pumps, buses and destroy glass windows, shatter and break faces.

RIOT EVERYBODY, FULL ON VHP STYLE AND LET’S CALL PRAMOD MUTHALIK TO JOIN IN!

LET’S GO PEOPLE, RIOT RIGHT NOW.

Ashok Singhal: Absolutely Togadia and let’s kill Christians as well. Here we go.

Varun Gandhi: I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I’ve been waiting to unveil my brand new ‘Muslim Hand Cutter’ from Telebrands, now only Rs.567/-. Handling and delivery charges extra.

Jaswant : Way to go guys!, so its okay for Varun to use his ‘Muslim Hand Cutter’ and stay in the party but when I say something about Muslims being marginalized In my book, I get expelled . Fantastic. We truly are the party with the difference.

Advani: I know this entire thing is whose fault.

Yashwant: Who?

Advani :That bastard Karan Thapar,He’s the one who nitpicked Jaswant’s brain on TV till Jaswant said those stupid things about his book.Togadia,Singhal go catch that Thapar fellow and burn his fu*kin house down. Then bring him here. I want to torture that rat.

Togadia: HELL YEAH MAN, I’M GONNA GO ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GODHRA ON HIS ASS.

RIOT.

Rajnath: Okay Jaswant, I’ll give you one last chance, withdraw your Jinnah book and you get back to being in the BJP.

Jaswant: Absolutely not, I’ve been working on that book for five years and I got a huge contract to publish that book. There is no way I’m withdrawing that book.

Rajnath: Fine then, you remain fired.

Jaswant: Fine

Rajnath: Fine

Joshi: Fine, Now am I leader or what?

Jailtley: I’m leader...

Sushma: No, I’m leader.

Naidu: No, I’m leader.

Yashwant: Eh Naidu, I’m leader.

Naidu: Bastard, I’ll kill you. Where’s the mic, I’ll bash your head in with this.

Yashwant: BRING IT ON BITCH.

Togadia: RIOT, SINGHAL GET THE PETROL.

SINGHAL: What’s happening, eh who are you?

THUNDER SOUNDS, LIGHTNING CRACKLES.

Rocky J stands up.

Me: Now only I will speak. All of you are being held by the crack elite team of TOPS Security Group. A company I hold a huge stake in.

Now sit your asses down and listen to me.Naidu, put the mic down.

Naidu: Fine.

Me: What the hell is wrong with you guys? Have you forgotten who you are? You are the Bharatiya Janata Party.

Where is the party that used to block Indian roads and cause traffic jams for hours with Rath Yatras huh?

Where is the party that told the US to buzz off and exploded all those nuclear bombs in Pokhran?

Where is the party that fulfilled Pervez Musharraf’s lifelong ambition of seeing the Taj Mahal?

Where is the party that authorized the Army to kick Pakistan’s ass in the Kargil war?

Where is the party that waved bundles of cash on the floor of the Parliament during the trust vote?

Where is the party that used to make Mulayam Singh and Mayawati’s life a living hell?

Advani: Hmmmm, but tell me Jhunjhunwala why are you helping us. I thought you liked the Congress.

Me: Contrary to what you think the only thing I like is DEMOCRACY. If you guys self destruct the whole principle of an opposition party has no meaning. If the BJP breaks down then the main opposition party will be led by the Communists and I’ll be damned if I let that happen.

Jaitley: So what should we do?

Jaswant: And what about my book?

Me: Oh man! Will you just shut the hell up! **** Jaswant Singh, no one is going to even read your bloody book. It’s more than a thousand pages long and Jinnah’s story will never be made into a six part movie franchise like the Harry Potter series.

Firstly, all of you should stop talking about Jinnah, what is it with you guys and Jinnah? Then Advani now Jaswant, Can’t you all just shut up.

Nobody cares about your Jinnah theories and your Ram Temple Issues. Build roads, give people electricity, water and education and they’ll actually vote for you.

Not over these stupid things, you guys look like a bunch of jokers.

Rajnath: Sob, sob you’ve opened my eyes Jhunjhunwalaji, thank you.

I’m sorry all of you, I love you guys, except Jaitley.

Naidu, Yashwant, and Sushma in chorus: We’re sorry too, we love you.

Jaitley: Stop it, you’ll make me cry.

Joshi: But Rakeshji, how do we get out of this current mess with Jaswant. How do we bring him back into the party after having expelled him?

Me: Arre simple yaar! Use your imagination, what do you do whenever something bad happens in India.

Jaswant: We blame the Congress.

Me: Exactly!!

Rajnath: You mean….

Me:

· Of course, say this whole Jinnah thing is caused by the Congress.

• Say that Footage of Jaswant’s interview to Karan Thapar was tampered with.

• Say Jaswant has been misquoted by the media which is under Congress influence.

• Say the Congress is responsible for infighting within the BJP.Say they are bribing party leaders and workers.

• Say the details in Jaswant’s book are wrong, that Jaswant’s real book is lost and that this book is written and published under Jaswant’s name by the Congress party and you want a CBI enquiry into the whole thing.

The possibilities are endless……

Advani: Wow you truly are a genius. Now I know why the markets move to every whim and fancy of yours.

Me: Thank You! But stop fighting.

Just imagine what he’s thinking right now.