Monday, July 27, 2009

He Is NOT A Soap Pusher ,And Definitely NOT A DOLL PRESSER!

Hutchinson D Pug wrote this to me, if I were you I’d stay far away from him. He’s in a seriously bad mood.


Dear Rakesh,

Okay man! I’ve just about had it upto my fuzzy neck with the drillbits at Ogilvy and Mather.

Maybe I should come out of the shadows and boldly announce to the world that I am in secret the boss of Vodafone and when the company commissions someone to make ads or spread Vodafone propaganda I am the one who is actually signing their paychecks!

For far too long I have kept my identity secret in the interest of myths like ‘public image’, ‘corporate governance ethics’ and ‘shareholder confidence’. I need to break down the barriers by proclaiming that dogs can indeed build billion dollar companies like Vodafone.

But damn it I am sick and tired of being treated like a third rate ‘C’ grade film sex symbol with huge balls. I am sick of being ignored by the mainstream media time and again and I am sick of being given as much importance as the program ‘Gender Discourse’ on Lok Sabha TV.

I fail to understand why I am not given my own reality TV show. Forget that why am I not considered to be a contestant on TV shows like ‘Iss Jungle Se Mujhe Bacchhao’?

Is it because I am a dog?

Who wouldn’t want to see me undergo an image makeover huh? Everyone only sees me as the obedient dog in the Vodafone ads.

There is so much more to me than just being a butt sniffing pug and a company CEO in secret.

Why don’t people care about my wild side? This is exactly why I should be given a chance to demonstrate my ability to produce bad behavior on ‘Iss Jungle Se Mujhe Bacchao’ .Who the bloody hell wouldn’t want to see me pooping,pissing,barfing,farting and puking on national television?

I can produce legendary moments in Indian TV history like chasing my own tail, scratching myself behind the ear, eat disgusting stuff and even smell my own butt.

I should be the one who’s controversial. I should be on Sach Ka Saamna.

I would love to be asked questions like:

· Is it true that you are secretly in love with the girl in the Vodafone ads?

· Could the Vodafone girl have helped you even more when you were exhibiting self destructive behavior?

· Were you hurt when Vodafone replaced you with the egg headed Zoozoo’s in their ad campaigns?

· Is it true that you sometimes molest yourself when no one is watching?

· Do you like pooping in public?

I’m not even considered eligible enough to be a suitor to Rakhi Sawant in her swayamwar. The only one who can marry a bitch is a dog and I can find none better than myself!!!

Instead of this the only thing I seem to be doing on TV is helping that stupid girl again on TV in Vodafone’s latest round of TV ads.

Damn it I was tricked.

I am not a bloody doll presser. You understand, I do not press dolls. So everyone calling me ‘DOLL PRESSER’,’DOLL PRESSER’ is ridiculous.

I Am Not A Doll Presser.

That footage has been tampered with, the only thing I was doing was pushing that doll away. Ogilvy And Mather has tampered with those images to show me pressing a doll and bloody shit I maybe a lot of things but


I wanted to push that doll away so that I could immediately go and bite the head of that girl because she was reading a book on cats!!

In another ad I am being shown handing over a bar of wet soap while that girl bathes. Firstly who the hell puts a bathroom bang on the middle of the beach? I did not give Ogilvy and Mather so much money so that they can arrange bathing amenities on the beach. I can’t even fire them because I gave them a long term contract.

Now I’m being accused of pedophilia, child molestation and perverted behavior. I don’t even like that girl, why would I even want to watch that girl bathing huh? and once again I’m being called a very dirty nickname.

It’s “soap pusher, soap pusher”

I am not a soap pusher all right. I’m allergic to soap that’s why I was gently removing it from obstructing my view but once again O And M have shown it differently. The other dogs have filed a case against me. I’m currently in hiding on charges of physical child abuse, soap pushing and voyeurism.

I’m waiting for anticipatory bail.

In fact it’s the girl who should be arrested for abusing me and displaying perverted behavior. She’s been caught on TV staring at my private parts time and again but nobody even does anything about it. Where’s PETA when you need them huh?

What about my privacy and dignity?

And to think I trained so hard to lose weight for the new ads. O And M even tried to make me dress up like Batman but that didn’t happen. At least that would have been cooler.

Rakesh you’ve got to help me. You’re the only friend I can seriously count on. Please do something immediately.

For the last time I AM NOT A SOAP PUSHER

****And I Am Definitely Not A Doll Presser****.

Cutely yours,

Hutchinson D Pug.

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