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Monday, February 22, 2010

UPDATED : Hello, I’m In Forbes Magazine, You’re Reading Na

For all the times that Forbes have messed up my placement in the list of billionaires and world’s richest list they publish every year, I shouldn’t encourage them .

But they are trying to make amends and since I am such an excellent human being with a generous and kindred spirit, I shall forgive them ……until they mess up my ranking the next time.

Recently Forbes magazine found out about my SECRET JOURNAL and asked me to stand up. First of all I don’t need to stand up. Why should I stand up when in any crowd of humanity I stand out? Moreover I am appalled that they even found out about my JOURNAL which is SECRET.

Forbes finding out about my SECRET JOURNAL and Twitter Id is a massive case of what the Hon-Her-Able P.Chidambaram describes as an ‘Intelligence failure’.

Their article about my blog can be read here: 


Now I shall do an action replay. Their article about my blog can be read here: http://business.in.com/article/tipoff/will-the-cyber-rakesh-jhunjhunwala-please-stand-up/10502/1


You can also buy the Printed Edition of Forbes India Magazine out on March 5th, next month and read the article there as well.
 
Update : The Magazine is available RIGHT NOW on News Stands and other places.It will be available till March 5th.So you can buy it now and see my great face in this edition which I made great by giving Forbes a great opportunity to use my Great Name.The cover looks like this :



Thank you Forbes Magazine. Your transgressions about my rankings in the world’s richest list have been forgiven for the time being.


This Is The World’s 1062nd Richest Man Saying:-

I ALWAYS KNEW FORBES MAGAZINE WOULD WRITE ABOUT MY SECRET JOURNAL IN THE MARCH EDITION OF 2010.I NEVER DOUBTED IT FOR A MINUTE.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

India : Stupid Foreigners, Don’t Mind Because We Really Don’t Give A FU#K About The Winter Olympics

Google is a search engine. It’s the best search engine to find XXX movies and pornography on the internet, so say Sexually Liberated individuals Shakti Kapoor and Emraan Hashmi.
Anyway, this entry in my Secret Journal is not about porn, Shakti Kapoor or Emraan Hashmi.
It’s not even about Google. It’s about what’s been appearing on Google’s homepage. Mysterious hieroglyphs like these:
Upon further investigation I realized that these were not historic drawings by early nomadic people worshipping me as a God even before I arrived on this planet but rather an advertisement for the Winter Olympic Games being held currently in Vancouver.

I know, crazy people right! Winter Olympics, ***bah*** so 
boring.These foreigners are so bloody weird, why can’t 
they be normal like us Indians?

Why can’t they just shut up and play 

Cricket?
Instead they have a Summer Olympics and now a Winter Olympics. All bloody time wasting exercises.
Just to prove that I’m not the only one saying this, I sent out a research team from Rare Enterprises on a fact finding mission.
The researchers asked a host of people questions about the Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver . Along with the questions here are their answers:
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Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A:Jasmeet Singh, Garment Shop Owner, Ludhiana : “What!!!! Vancouver? Where is that? Is it in Bhatinda? Will Daler Mehndi be performing there? Then I’ll bring my entire family. We just love Dardi Rab Rab Kardi”

Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A: Ganapati Mudaliar Chattrapati Keshav, Accountant,Family Man :“WHAT, VAN COVER!!! YES I WANT VAN COVER . My van is getting very dirty. Too much pollution. Where I can buy it ????? I am searching everywhere for it. It has to cover my full van like this:”
 

Q: “What do you think of the Indian Olympic team headed by Shiva Keshavan not even getting proper uniforms for the Winter Olympics?
A : Minissha Lamba,Greatest Actress Of Current Era, Visiting Hindi Professor At The University Of Berkeley :  “WHOA!!! India has a Winter Olympic team. I support them 100%, Go India Go!!!East or West India is the best!!!!!!!  But Shiva Keshavan???? Is he related to Neil Nitin Mukesh?”
  

Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”

A: Rahul, Airtel Boy, Stupid Dumbass Kid: “No, mummy says I have to do my homework. But when I finish my homework I can see Ninja Hattori on Nickelodeon. Hattori, Hattori, Yeh Hain Apna Yaar……”


                              

Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”

A:Parvati Prasanna,Airtel Boy Rahul’s Mom, Upmarket Urban Housewife:“Are you FUC#IN Crazy!!!! I’m watching Rahul Ka Swayamvar on NDTV Imagine. I hope he marries Nikunj . THAT MRINMAI IS SUCH A BITCH**** SCREW HER*****”


Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A: Dati Madan Maharaj, Astrological Consultant, Lord Shani Expert for India TV: “Wait hold on! Aren’t the Olympics already over in 2008.So it’s every 2 years from now on! I don’t know how I could have missed that bit of news. Anyway forget it, is Usain Bolt running. I advised him to do Shani Puja on Saturdays, only after that he started running fast and set all those World Records”

Q: “What do you think of Charlotte Kalla winning the Gold Medal in the 10 km Skiing Event at this year’s Winter Olympics in Vancouver?”
 
A: Mimoh Chakraborty, Carrier Of The Mithun Chakraborty Gene, Wannabe Carpenter: “Wow!!! This chick is damn hot!!!!! Is she married?! Give her my mobile number no, please! Tell her I want to do the friendship with her!”



Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A: SP Tulsian, Market Analyst: “No of course not, I was buying RELIANCE because RELIANCE is a good company”
Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
 A: Devi Singh Shekhawat, President Pratibha Patil’s Husband, Blood Pressure Patient, Nervous Twitcher: “Look, this is not correct. First Virender Sehwag says that we should watch the Hockey World Cup in Delhi. Then Colonel Rajvavardhan Rathore also says the same thing. Now you’re asking if I’m watching this Winter Olympics thing.



It’s just too much pressure for me, ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What should I watch, what should I not watch?!!!!! I’m so confused. I’m going to kill myself. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A: Tinkunath Upadhyay Shrivastav,Avid Moviegoer : “ UMMM, NO BUT I WENT TO SEE MY NAME IS KHAN. UNFORTUNATELY SOME SHIV SAINIKS CAUGHT ME OUTSIDE THE THEATRE AND BROKE MY LEGS. THEN THEY SHAVED MY HEAD. BLACKENED MY FACE. RIPPED MY CLOTHES. THREW CHAPPALS AT ME WHICH THEY THEN USED TO GARLAND ME, HAD A BUNCH OF STRAY HUNGRY DOGS TEAR MY SKIN IN MANY PLACES AND FINALLY SAT ME DOWN ON A DONKEY AND MARCHED ME THROUGH THE CITY. THESE DAYS I LIE PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN, EATING THROUGH A STRAW AS I LIE WAITING FOR DEATH IN MY WHEELCHAIR.
BUT OVERALL, I’LL AT LEAST SAY MY NAME IS KHAN WAS GOOD AND SRK HAS GIVEN A BRILLIANT PERFORMANCE. THANKS SHIV SENA.”

Q: “What do you think of the Indian Olympic team headed by Shiva keshavan not even getting proper uniforms for the Winter Olympics?”
A: Shabana Azmi, Concerned Humanitarian: “This is a typical example of political apathy toward the athletes. We need to combat this at the grassroots level. The government must do more and us as citizens must get together and organize candlelight marches and signature campaigns to ensure such things don’t happen to our athletes ever again.”
**************
Having received all these facts, I created a plan to make sure that the abomination called the Winter Olympics never occur again. I contacted the one man capable of making sure that the Winter Olympics indeed don’t happen, Nobel Prize Winner and head of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC),Rajendra K Pachauri.
He sent me a note:
“Dear Rakeshji,
You Are Awesome!
Please don’t trouble yourself with these Winter Olympics. According to an IPCC report, all the snow in the world will disappear in 35 years time because of global warming or maybe its 350 years. I’m not sure because we make a lot of mistakes. But after that there will no longer be any Winter Olympics!
Jai Hind”
"Pachauri : Making Sure That All The Snow 

In The World Will Disappear In 35 Or 350 

Years. Then There Will Be No More Winter 

Olympics And Foreigners Have To Also Play

Cricket."

PACHAURI ROCKS.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

ACP Pradyuman – “We Can Solve Any Case In 42 Minutes Flat”




Do you read the paper? I do. Better still I own one .Recently I was reading this from The Jhunjhunwala Times.

Mumbai| Correspondent Sharmila Tripurasundari Sharma Behen

‘NATIONAL PERSON’ Assistant Commissioner of Police Pradyuman aka ACP Pradyuman is an extremely happy man. Beaming from his left ear continuing the beam all the way to his right ear intermittently displaying his impeccably white frontal teeth, he chats quite chattily about his favorite Chaat hangouts in Chhattisgarh.

“I Like Pani Puri,Dahi Puri,Sev Puri and even Masala Puri.Incidentally I enjoy watching films with Om Puri and I’m married to a woman who makes excellent puri’s. So basically I’m a very Puri person” ,he quips quite wittily much to the amazement of amazed people.

It’s a rare sight to catch ACP Pradyuman in such a good mood, as the man who heads India’s toughest and most successful crack team of super elite detectives the CID or the Crime Investigation Division, he hardly ever finds time to chat about Chaats or pretty much anything in general .

Anointed with the prestigious title OF ‘NATIONAL PERSON’ by the Government of India, ACP Pradyuman is lovingly and respectfully known as ‘Sir’ to his colleagues and non colleagues alike.

But for the rest of India he will always be ACP Pradyuman whose dealings with the scourge of crime has become the stuff that legends are made of. So successful has his team been that their chronicles have run and continue to do so everyday on Sony Entertainment Television popularly also known as Sony TV.

Senior Inspector Daya ,ACP Pradyuman’s right hand man who prefers to stand by choice near ACP Pradyuman’s left hand adds quite refreshingly “See people are under the false impression that CID is actually a make believe fictitious organization which exists only on TV. They fail to understand that we are real police officers,rostered by the government working for the CID,whose actions are captured in motion by video cameras possessing motion capture technology.”

Fellow Senior Inspector Abhijit, another right hand man of ACP Pradyuman who unlike Senior Inspector Daya likes to stand near ACP Pradyuman’s right hand chimes in “So in essence CID is actually in fact India’s first reality TV show. Not Mtv roadies or poadies or something like that.”

“Yes indeed, we can solve any case in 42 minutes flat. Whether it be murder, kidnap, theft, acCIDent, molestation, missing person ,anything.Forty two minutes, hear me 42 minutes is all that we require to solve the case and put the bloody criminals behind bars” roars a frighteningly confident ACP Pradyuman.

Sub Inspector Vivek, the rookie of the group eagerly says “It is a dream of any young policeman to serve in the CID especially under ACP Pradyuman. I have learnt so many things from the team which aren't taught at the Academy. For example I have learnt that while solving a crime, the investigating officers should always put their hands on their hips.”

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“At first I didn’t understand it but then Inspector Abhijit told me that by placing one’s hands on his hips and displaying your broad chest simultaneously, you automatically improve the blood flow to your brains which in turn renders better investigative potential”

Sub Inspector Fredricks, the funny one in the group adds “Yes, the ‘hands on hips’ technique is actually an Ayurvedic and yogic Indian exercise. These foreign cops don’t know the benefits, that’s why they act so funny all the time. Let them show if they can solve a case in 42 minutes”

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Inspector Abhijit reiterates “Had the Americans told us to investigate the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden the CID would have found him by now. Even now if they request us we can find him within the next 42 minutes”

IIM lover and Management Executive,IIM Kapoor weighs in with his insight “Look, Don’t Fu#K With CID,CID Is The Best And I Love CID Because CID Kicks Ass.”

“Many think that because we have such a high success rate our team is refused promotions but the fact of the matter is everyone among us refuse our own promotions to a higher rank in order to avoid being transferred and for Pradyuman Sir, if he becomes Commissioner then he has to sit behind a desk and the team will lose a brilliant mind so he himself volunteered to sacrifice his promotion and we too followed so we can catch the bloody evil criminals” says Inspector Daya clearing up misconceptions as his eyes well up in admiration for his boss ACP Pradyuman.

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Asked to explain a little more about their investigation technique and how they manage to solve any case in 42 minutes, ACP Pradyuman deliberates “Every crime begins when the show begins, essentially our show is one hour but because of the ads the actual run time is 42 minutes. So within that time we will solve the case. Yes, sometimes we have a two part special but even then it is only 42 minutes. We embrace technology fully, so it makes investigation faster.”

Forensic laboratory head Doctor Salunkhe chips in “We have the latest technology available, latest hardware, latest software. Our fingerprint database can match fingerprints in as little as 15 seconds. We can get blood test results in 60 seconds and DNA results in 90 seconds. There is nothing our software can’t handle.CID is indeed the best.”

He further adds “When we hold training sessions for Delhi Police or UP Police they are always surprised at the lightning speed of our computers. Even famous foreign film director James Cameron was so impressed with our image technology that he used it extensively in his film Avatar.”

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But computers no matter how fast cannot compensate for human aggression. Every criminal caught by CID quivers in his boots at the very mention of the PATENTED STARE of ACP Pradyuman, now being chronicled by medical researchers worldwide for its radical truth producing effects.

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Inspector Daya explains “Sir’s stare is more advanced than any Narco test or lie detector test. He simply looks at you with one eyebrow raised and you pour out your deadliest secrets. It’s the most devastating form of hypnosis ever present or used in crime investigation. If he stares at you, you are guaranteed to tell the truth, guaranteed.”

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“And once we solve the case the Criminals know that their time is up with Sir’s stare staring a hole right through the very depths of their vile, putrid, crime filled interiors.” Reinforces Inspector Abhijit.

Suddenly ACP Pradyuman’s cell phone rings and the team rushes off to solve another crime. Thank you NATIONAL PERSON ACP Pradyuman, The Jhunjhunwala Times salutes you. As long as you and your team are on the job, criminals watch out. Thank you CID, Jai Hind!

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