Justice

So I’m at home Smoking Cigars. Suddenly a bunch of people show up at my doorstep and start annoying me.

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Me: Oye, who the bloody hell are you fellows?

Unidentified Man: Hello Sirji, myself 86 year old former Andhra Pradesh Governor ND Tiwari. I have brought along some friends, we all want JUSTICE, we are desperate men in desperate times and only you can get us JUSTICE.

Me: What!!?

Tiwari (Formerly Unidentified Man): Yes Sir, please Sir, don’t say no Sir, you are our only hope for Justice Sirji!!!

Me: I want you people out of my house now!!!!!TOPS Security Guards, smash these donkeys right now and Kung Fu their asses back to wherever the hell they came from…..

Unidentified Man #2 (Screaming and Pleading): No Sir, Please Sir, wait Sir, just give us 10 minutes of your precious time. We even bought a packet of Samosas for you Sir.

Me: Stupid Fellows, couldn’t you have said that earlier!!!! You seem like good people because you have brought Samosas for me. OK….TOPS Security….stay put.

Now give me the Samosas and tell me why you're here.

Unidentified Man #2: Yes Sirji, thank you Sirji, you are great Sirji; please take the Samosas Sirji….

Me: Wait, who are you?

Unidentified Man #2: I’m unidentified man #2 Sirji but you can also call me SPS Rathore.

Me: Looks like I’ve heard your name somewhere before, say are you a Mutual Fund Manager?

Rathore: No Sirji, I’m a policeman and from the past few weeks the Indian Media has been running a ‘Vicious Campaign’ against me…..

Me: Oh yeah! Aren’t you that molester guy…?

Tiwari: No Sir, see that’s the problem, he is only an alleged molester. We are all here for this reason only; all of us are victims of the media’s ‘Malicious Campaign’. We’re all innocent people who have been made into national villains for the sake of increasing TV TRP’s by these so called News Channels.

For the past few weeks, in some way or the other, all of us have been slandered, humiliated, demonized and embarrassed in every TV Channel or News Publication there is.

We’ve been subjected to a constant barrage of We The People, The Big Fight, Face The Nation, Candlelight Marches, SMS This And SMS that, Alyque Padamsee +Mahesh Bhatt+ Prahlad Kakkar+ Suhel Seth Moralistic Panel Discussion and also Arnab Goswami’s explosive stare constantly flickering, flashing and blinking eyes….brrrr……scary.

Rathore: That’s why we have come to you because only you can save us from the evil tyranny of the media. Their devilish designs to torture us for the sake of instant viewer gratification and money and more TRP’s Sirji.

Tiwari: Yes Rakesh Bhai, that’s why we need Justice and only your super awesome sexy personality can get it for us. We request you to therefore get Justice for us.

Rathore: Yes Sirji, all of us here want Justice. This is Shashi Tharoor, that is Paneer, that is Chetan Bhagat that is Dinakaran, that is K Chandrashekar Rao and as we said earlier this is ND Tiwari and I am SPS Rathore.

Me: Hmmm……tell me your demands then.

Paneer: OK I’ll start…

Me: Wait, What did you say your name was again?

Paneer: My name is Paneer Saar

Me: What!!? Paneer as in the food item…..

Paneer: Yes Saar but only pronunciation Saar…full name actually ….. MRK Paneerselvam. Myself, Hon-Her-Able Health Minister, Tamil Nadu State, sitting MLA from ward number 65, Kurinjipadi Constituency, Cuddalore District from Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam or DMK Party under leadership of Hon-Her-Able Doctor Kalaignar Saar. For Pet Name, people call me Paneer…. Saar!

Me: I know you, you were the guy who sat by and did nothing when Sub Inspector Vetrivelu was killed, the News Channels said you and your other Minister friend didn’t even get out of the car, why do you want Justice?

Paneer: See Saar that is why I want Justice, I did not quote anything but even that was ‘MISQUOTED BY THE MEDIA’. It is attempt to sabotage my political career. The media is under influence of Amma Jayalalithaa.

Me: But it seems pretty clear cut to me. You didn’t get out of your car while the poor cop bled to his death…

PANEER: SAAR….THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING….MEDIA NOT GIVING ME CHANCE TO EXPLAIN…..MY POINT OF VIEW NOT HEARD SAAR…..

See Saar I did not get out of the car because it was afternoon, full sunlight coming down. Both us ministers had just eaten heavy lunch at NAGARJUNA THAMBI PLATE MEALS RESTAURANT.

What to do Saar, very tasty food, couldn’t control. Unlimited servings also!!!!

My stomach was fully full Saar….everything so nice. I ATE PAYASAM, SPICY FISH CURRY, CHICKEN CHETTINAD 65 WITH PERUMAL SERVING,FANTASTIC VATHA KOLUMBA AND TAIR SADAM SAAR ….MMMMM…..YUM…..

Me: ****WTF, YOU ATE WET COMBS AND A TYRE SADHU!!!!!! ARE YOU A BLOODY CANNIBAL, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, I’M CALLING THE COPS RIGHT NOW….BLOODY CANNIBAL….EATING SADHUS WITH TYRES…YOU’RE SICK….DISGUSTING…..YUCK*****

Paneer: No,No,No!see Saar ……not WET COMBS……it’s VATHA KOLUMBA….special curry and I said TAIR SADAM meaning Curd Rice not TYRE SADHU…please excuse Saar ….my mistake

Me: Phew….I’m relieved….so why did you not get out of the car?

Paneer: That’s what Saar, I was full Saar .My stomach was OVERLOAD…..BANDWIDTH EXCEEDED…..so I could not move only. If I had even tried to get out of the car my tummy would have exploding.

Afterall I Am Health Minister So I Was Looking After My Own Health. Simple Living, High Thinking Saar! Like Dr.Kalaignar Favorite, Hon-Her-Able Telecom Minister Spectrum Raja Sayings Sir !!!!

Even if I had moved an inch…I would have produced GAS from backside and global warming is big problem Saar as you know. Even little GAS can increase temperature and polar ice caps will melt so keeping that in mind I did not move….because pollution I don’t want increase…

As it is our Prime Minister said at Copenhagen Summit that in interest of global warming, we have to reduce emissions. That’s why Saar in the interest of humanity I decided not to get out of the car to control my emissions….unfortunately that Policeman died….but don’t worry Saar, I already promised 50,000 rupees compensation to his family…..so problem should be solved….instead media is accusing me of being a bad person.

THAT’S WHY I WANT JUSTICE,

JUSTICE FOR PANEERSELVAM.

Chetan Bhagat: Even I want Justice. I wrote this book called Five Point Someone and then Vidhu Chopra made a movie out of it called ‘3 Idiots’ but he never credited me or my book which made 3 Idiots possible.

If it weren’t for me Aamir Khan, Sharman Joshi and Madhavan wouldn’t have even been able to rub their plastic buttocks in front of the country.

I WANT PROPER CREDIT.PROPER JUSTICE.

JUSTICE FOR CHETAN.

What if this sets a precedent, what if someone makes a film out of my new book ‘2 States’ and doesn’t credit me.

Chandrasekhar Rao (KCR): In fact I credit Chetan right now. His book 2 States inspired me to demand a separate state of Telengana and divide Andhra Pradesh into 2 states.

And the government even agreed to create Telengana but now they’ve backtracked. My entire hunger strike went to waste.

For 11 days I did not eat, then Chidambaram said they will create Telengana. I was so happy when I heard this. I started crying not only because I got Telengana but also because I could eat after 11 days.

It seemed as if my business model of ‘DO HUNGER STRIKE- GET FREE STATE’ had succeeded.

As I came out of the hospital on a wheelchair, I could only think Telengana, Telengana….

But now I realize that the government lied to me. I feel so sad and betrayed. I want JUSTICE.

JUSTICE FOR K CHANDRASHEKAR RAO,

JUSTICE FOR KCR.

Me: What the hell is that on your face?

KCR: What, where Sir?

Me: There right there, in the middle above your mouth.

KCR: What this, this is my nose….

Me: WHOA, it’s so huge, humungous. Why don’t you just create Telengana from that? I bet everyone who wants Telengana can live in that big thing of yours you call a nose.

Paneer: Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha! Super Saar, what a joke!! You are funny man, Saar. If you ever come Chennai please stay my house Saar! It will be pleasure!!

Me: Eh! Don’t call me funny!

Paneer: OK Saar, sorry!

Tharoor: What about my Justice, Sir?

Me: Say It….

Tharoor: What Sir?

Me: Say It, It’s Funny!

Tharoor: Please Sir I don’t want to….

Me: Just once!

Tharoor: OK just for you then….CATTLE CLASS

Me: HA! HA! That’s the one.

Tharoor: I don’t mind saying it for you but every time I say something or tweet something, the media harasses me.

Me: It’s the Five Star Hotel Thing, Austerity Drive, Cattle Class, Visa Policy and more recently Nehru Foreign Policy.

WHY CAN’T THESE PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

I WANT JUSTICE.JUSTICE FOR THAROOR.

Tiwari: Eh Tharoor! wait first, seniority must be respected. First Justice for me then Justice for you.

Me: What’s your problem? Were you also misquoted by the media?

Tiwari: WORSE, MY PUBLIC IMAGE HAS BEEN DEGRADED. I’VE BEEN CONVERTED FROM AN HONEST POLITICIAN, A GREAT GOVERNOR TO AN 86 YEAR OLD PORN STAR WITH A STAGGERING LIBIDO.

Me: Of course!I remember, you were being pleasured intimately by three women and caught on tape…..

Tiwari: That’s the problem, once again it’s the media, they’re jealous of me. All of the TV News Channel fellows want to become Governor of Andhra Pradesh, that’s why they’re trying to humiliate me.

Me: But they said you were caught with three Call Girls…..

Tiwari: I’m being framed by the media. Let me explain. I was at Raj Bhavan one evening & three girls came up to me requesting my autograph because I’m a role model and they all want to be Governors of their own states one day.

Now I was sitting inside. Having never met them before. I did not know their names. So I simply called out to them and said ‘GIRLS, GIRLS’.

Now a journalist outside heard me and immediately reported on the TV that I was engaging with CALL GIRLS.

But in truth I was simply CALLing a bunch of GIRLS as GIRLS.I mean I can’t CALL GIRLS as boys?!!!!! So I CALLed the GIRLS as GIRLS and since then I’ve been misinterpreted as being an 86 year old who met CALL GIRLS.

I was only CALLing Girls as Girls. Definitely not engaging with CALL GIRLS.

Me: But what about the photos?

Tiwari: Definitely doctored .Anyone can show anyone else in a compromising position with anyone else.Someone told me that The guy who makes pictures for the Secret Journal of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala does it all the time.

The media can simply add ‘Special Effects’ and make it such that I’m engaging in sexual acts. Then they can add a headline to mean whatever they want .

I mean I’m 86 years old. How can I even have the power…..even with MUSLI POWER EXTRA….INDIAN HERBAL APHRODISIAC?

I’m simply too old.

But more than the media it’s been the internet which has been crueler to me. There are websites selling my alleged Sex Tape. I know that Paris Hilton made a sex tape called ‘One Night In Paris’.

But to suggest that I made a sex tape, had a foursome with three CALL GIRLS is preposterous.

REALLY, SOME PORN SITES ARE EVEN SELLING A SEX TAPE IN MY NAME CALLED:

‘GOVERNOR: ONE NIGHT IN TIWARI’

Do you want to see an MMS Preview of my Sex Tape?

Me: NO, NO, NO, NO…..OH HELL NO….NO WAY!

Tiwari: That’s why Sir I want Justice. I’m getting offers to act in porno films. Just 2 days ago a blue film producer met me and said that he wants to partner me in setting up my own company of adult themed entertainment called TIWARI ADULT ENTERTAINMENT or TAE.

It sounded catchy but I declined because of my principles.

I WANT JUSTICE AGAINST THE MEDIA.

JUSTICE FOR TIWARI.

Rathore: The same blue film producer wanted me to perform in my own porno film under the TAE brand titled ‘THE MOLESTER’.

Me: THE MOLESTER……REALLY...LAME DUDE……EPIC FAIL

Rathore: Yes, He even wanted to add the caption ‘Inspired By A True Story’.

Tiwari: And that’s the thing Sirji, he did not molest Ruchika Girhotra. He only allegedly molested her. In fact he’d have acted in the movie had it been called ‘The Alleged Molester’.

Rathore: I’m a victim of the media’s prejudice. I didn’t molest Ruchika, nor did I kill her.

My lawyer wife Abha says Ruchika died because of Bad Parenting. They didn’t feed her enough Dabur Chywanprash. Had they fed her even two spoons everyday, her immunity would have been strong and her body would have withstood the attack of the poison she took to kill herself.

I will prove in court that Dabur or Himani Sona Chandi Chywanprash boosts the strength of internal organs hence repelling any Poisons. Now approved by Shah Rukh Khan.

So Sir, the media should stop concentrating on JUSTICE FOR RUCHIKA.

AND START FOCUSING ON JUSTICE FOR RATHORE.

Me: OK, I think …..I have a solution.

DINAKARAN: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT !!! SIRJI! PLEASE DON’T FORGET ABOUT ME.

I’m the Chief Justice of the Karnataka High Court and was due for promotion to become a Supreme Court Judge.

But the media screwed me and ran a ‘Negative Campaign’ against me. I therefore request the great ROCKY J to stand up for Justice!!

I WANTED JUSTICE FOR DINAKARAN.

BUT SINCE I AM CHIEF JUSTICE DINAKARAN, I HAVE TO USE MY OFFICIAL TITLE.

SO PLEASE, I WANT JUSTICE FOR JUSTICE.

Chetan Bhagat: WHOA DUDE, THAT WAS BRILLIANT! You’re a Chief Justice and you want Justice. That’s the title of my next book right there. JUSTICE FOR JUSTICE.

Tharoor: Now Rakesh Sir, Please tell us how we can all get Justice? Please!!!!

Me: You all want JUSTICE….. Right.

EVERYONE (IN CHORUS): YES SIR!!!!!

Me: OK then all of you buy Whirlpool Fridge.

Paneer: What, I don’t think we understand!!! Saar, if you will kindly explain.

Me: Whirlpool Fridge has micro compressor technology made in Taiwan. It can convert water into ICE in two minutes flat.

And since all of you want Just Ice, buy Whirlpool Fridge.

There you go, problem solved. Buy Whirlpool Fridge get Just Ice.

Now get out of my house**** TOPS Security, get rid of these guys.

JUST ICE BABY! ICE ICE BABY!

Screw You Environmentalists, I’m Bursting Crackers

I hate stupid activists, environmentalists, and ultra conservatives. I really do.

These guys with their so called moral high grounds. God Damn You Bloody Environmentalists.

Don’t Go Out In the Sun – You’ll get Skin Cancer.

Don’t Go to Public Places-Someone Will Cough Then You’ll Get Swine Flu.

Don’t Play Video Games – You’ll Become Addicted to Them.

Don’t Listen To Heavy Metal – You’ll become a Devil Worshipper.

Don’t Go To The Market- Some Terrorist Bomb Blast Will Take Place.

Don’t Go To The Beach – Tsunami Will Drown You.

Don’t Go To The Park – Some Guy Will Rob You.

Don’t Arrest Naxals - Their Human Rights Will Be Violated.

Don’t Go To The ATM- Someone Will Steal Your Pin Number.

Don’t Stay At Home- An Earthquake Will Destroy Your House.

The shitheads wont even leave Brinjals alone – don’t eat BT Brinjals, you’ll become a 67 legged mutant freak show with sexually transmitted diseases.

I wonder why these people are so scared all the time. Are they so scared that they refuse to fart for fear that they’ll actually shit their pants?

Just leave Brinjals alone, you got it. Why can’t you people leave Brinjals alone?

What have the Brinjals ever done to you?

And here’s the newest one don’t burst any crackers this Diwali because global warming will increase and the pollution will kill us all and we’ll all be reincarnated as pine tree furniture.

I’m Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. I’m The World’s 1062^nd Richest Man. I will do exactly what I want to do this Diwali.

I’m gonna raise as much hell and kick as much ass as I want. Eat as many sweets, smoke as many cigars and burst as many crackers as I want.

I mean I work hard the rest of the year…right. I deserve to blast fireworks outside Rare Enterprises if I want.

So I’ll do what I want and all the shithead environmentalists and global warming fanatics can go hang themselves.

This is the first weekend of Samvat 2066, I’m getting ready for the Muhurat trading session tonight on the BSE.Every year I walk into the Muhurat trading session, and people prostrate themselves before me. Traders sing my hymns, SEBI officials give me bouquets and flowers. Women blow kisses at me. The managements of all the companies I have a stake in present me free merchandise everything from custom made clothes to custom made watches and jewelry. Managements of all the companies which I don’t have a stake in try to suck up to me and give me free tickets to IPL matches and even more goodies.

I get the same reception that the guy in the Intel ad gets.

Except it’s a 100000000000 times more lavish and filled with grandeur.

Tonight and over the weekend you can also watch me on business channels .Watch me at 3pm and 8pm on the Samvat 2066 market special on CNBC TV18.I will also be around on other business channels this Diwali weekend.

And just to piss off the environmentalists, I‘m gonna burst even more crackers and if they show up outside my Il palazzo flat and my weekend Rare Villa then I’ll attach their puny French fried bodies to my custom built ISRO rockets and launch them into orbit.

I’m Rakesh Jhunjhunwala and I’m gonna have a blast this Diwali.

To all the readers of my Secret Journal I wish all of you a very Happy Diwali. I hope all of you become rich and prosperous – but less rich and less prosperous than me.

Global warming and environmentalists, kiss my ass.

Fireworks, here I come.

Because When It Comes To Lathi Charging,No One WHOOPS YOUR ASS Better Than Uttar Pradesh Police

Do you know what chai-pani is?

If you give chai-pani to certain people then your work gets done. For all the educated Harvard types reading this who are wondering what chai-pani is and are currently googling it to find out, I’ll explain it to you.

In common parlance we Indians refer to bribes as chai-pani. It is an institutionalized form of money transfer much better than any system ever created or to be created.Clean, simple, efficient. Everything passed under the table or transferred from Swiss bank accounts while buying Italian and German guns assembled in China, service warranty made in Taiwan and IT support provided by Bangalore and here’s the best thing no stupid service charges or transfer fees, so foreign banks can piss off except Shinsei bank with whom I have a joint venture.

Anyway this is not about chai-pani. It is about Malpani.

Malpani is a doctor; he has a wife who is also a doctor. They are ordinary folk whom I have privileged with my friendship.

Recently they had a party because their daughter won an Oxford fellowship.

I can’t tell you where the party was because it was a private affair but if you want to know then ask one of the many paparazzi who were there .One of them got wind of the fact that I was showing up and when I did show up they clicked my photo. Nishtha was completely unhappy, she wanted to pounce on them and bite them.

I was double angry because all my Van Heusen S-98 white silk shirts had gone for wash so I had to make do with an ordinary blue shirt. Just like I challenged Narayan Murthy I would have challenged these paparazzi to a steel cage match if Nishtha hadn’t already obliterated them by then.

I had already contacted mini-j to find out if this particular paparazzo had any investments, I planned to reduce their market value to zero in addition to cancelling his LIC Life Insurance Policy and getting CB Bhave to pass a SEBI order accusing this fellow of having a hand in the Satyam Scam. Nobody messes with Jhunjhunwala, I will find innovative ways of making your existence even more miserable than that of the fellow who promised to marry Rakhi Sawant.

But my dear wife held me back, she is so good. She just obliged with her 8000 megawatt smile enough to power more villages than all of India’s power companies. But the fact that I was photographed in a blue shirt is appalling.

Also present at the Malpani party was the megastar of blockbuster Marathi film ‘Sawat Majhi Ladki’, Varsha Usgaonkar.

Since the markets are closed on weekends all these activist people show up at my doorstep and annoy me. They keep asking for money whether it’s for global warming, ‘Save The Earthworms Campaign’, ‘Wear Banana Skin Chappals’,and then There’s The Worst Kind – Feminists And Their Never Ending List Of Women’s Causes Like ‘Women Should Be Allowed To Play Video Games’, ‘Allow 33% Reservation For Women In Reality Shows Not Applicable For Khatron Ke Khiladi Which Is 99% Reservation’,

‘Observe National Women’s That Time Of Month Day’, ‘Erect Statue To Highlight Barkha Dutt’s Efforts To Promote The Indian Feminist Movement’, ‘Legalize The Term Male Chauvinist Pig’, ‘Men Should Wax Their Legs To Know What Women Go Through When They Remove Armpit Hair’.

Oh my God! It’s never ending.

One such activist is Mr.Prakash Padukone. Now I know that Mr.Padukone is India’s greatest badminton player and everything but in all seriousness it is not my responsibility to ensure that India wins more medals at the Olympics. It’s the responsibility of the sports minister and the government.

I’ve already said that the international Olympic committee should include more sports in which we Indians excel like pissing.

But Mr.Padukone cornered me at the Malpani party and to get rid of him I told him that I would sponsor his OGQ or Olympic Gold Quest program whose job is to fund talented athletes and help them win gold medals.

However, I told Mr.Padukone that I insist that the UP Police are included under the OGQ Program and that he make efforts to have the sport of ‘LATHI CHARGING’ be included in the 2012 Olympics.

Why? Just read this pamphlet being circulated on the Bombay Stock Exchange:-

‘Dear Mr.Jhunjhunwala,

We the UP Police have heard that you were at the Malpani party where you were troubled by the paparazzi.

But this is not about Malpani; it is about chai-pani.

We request that UP Police be allowed to participate in the 2012 Olympics in disciplines like Chai-Pani Transfer and Lathi Charging.

We are the best Lathi Chargers in the country and must be given quota under the OGQ scheme.

When it comes to lathi charging, there is no one better than the ISO-9079-2009-Section-c recognized, 5 stars rated, and pioneers of the Indian lathi charging movement:

UTTAR PRADESH POLICE.

Just put it like this, WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you are in the opposition party WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you are in the ruling party WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you’re sleeping we’ll come to your house, wake you up and WHOOP YOUR ASS.

No discrimination, man, woman or street dog WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Teacher’s Day.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Father’s Day.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Mother’s Day.

And on Valentines Day, it’s free for all, WE WILL DEFINITELY WHOOP YOUR ASS.

365 days a year, WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

We don’t need a reason to WHOOP YOUR ASS.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the morning.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the afternoon.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the evening.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the night.

We’ll do it free because we have a passion for LATHI CHARGING.

Look at this 100% real testimonial:

“My friends and I were planning to steal a post box but Uttar Pradesh police saw me and whooped my ass, now it hurts whenever I go to the toilet ,both frontside and backside, thanks UP POLICE”

And if you send us to the Olympics we can guarantee that we will bring back Gold Medals for India.

Our sponsors might change. What was once MRF

Is now ADIDAS.

But quality is forever.

Because when it comes to Lathi Charging no one WHOOPS YOUR ASS better than Uttar Pradesh Police.

Signed,

Prem Prakash,

DIG Lucknow. ’