Battle Of The Exchanges

See what happened this week. First the NSE plans to start its trading session at 9 am so that the East Asian dudes everyone from Singapore to Indonesia, the Seoul Korean KOSPI lovers and the Nikkei Japanese Hakka noodle eaters can invest in India for an extra hour.

Immediately the Bombay Stock Exchange gets wind of this and decides to open at 9:45 am on a mic check, mic check, testing 1...2…3 basis.

Now the NSE doesn’t like this, not one bit. They make a major announcement: Henceforth the National Stock Exchange will open even earlier- at 9:00 am.

The Bombay stock exchange makes an announcement 10 seconds later that they too will open for business at 9:00 am.

So from Next year the Markets will open at 9 am.

This makes the Securities Exchange Board of India aka SEBI think. Think deep. CB Bhave the chief of SEBI known also as SEBI Bhave is now discussing the implications of these moves with our Hon-Her-Able Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee.

But what does this mean for Rocky J? One trader asked me if this would be a problem for me.

‘Ha!’ I said ‘Till Today Rocky J hasn’t met a problem whose ass he couldn’t kick’.

Think about the massive implications:

1 extra hour/day = 5 extra hours/week =20 extra hours/month=240 extra hours/year *

*(The above calculation is exclusive of the list of declared market holidays. The list of declared Market Holidays for the year 2009 and 2010 can be found on the respective websites of the BSE and the NSE. Links to which I have no intention of providing. You are free to complain about my impoliteness to SEBI, a complaint form is found on the SEBI website. Once again I have no intention of providing the link to this website. )

If I am to make even 2 crores every extra hour then I’d be making 480 extra crores every year simply because the markets trade 1 extra hour everyday.

But this also means that the Mukherjee’s Udayan and Mitali will have to be on TV one hour earlier.

Plastic Face Shruti Ruparel from UTVi will have to spend one extra hour everyday learning that the Bombay Stock Exchange is an Exchange where securities are traded and not a hospital where sex-change operations are performed. It’s pronounced Bombay Stock Exchange not Bombay Stock Sexchange.

Ashwani Gujral will have to sit on his massive chair for 1 extra hour and set stop loss targets with a 2% price differential for another extra hour.

Ambareesh Baliga will have to ramble for one extra hour everyday explaining why the stocks he picked yesterday flopped as usual.

SP Tulsian will buy Reliance for one extra hour everyday “Because Reliance Is A Good Company”

Samir Arora from Helios Capital will spend one more hour everyday blaming FII’s (Foreign Institutional Investors ) for ‘Unusual And Highly Volatile Market Activity’

Brokers will take credit for every right call they make and blame sub-brokers for every wrong call they make for one extra hour everyday.

I love it when a plan comes together. I wonder if I had anything to do with it. One extra hour.

Screw You Environmentalists, I’m Bursting Crackers

I hate stupid activists, environmentalists, and ultra conservatives. I really do.

These guys with their so called moral high grounds. God Damn You Bloody Environmentalists.

Don’t Go Out In the Sun – You’ll get Skin Cancer.

Don’t Go to Public Places-Someone Will Cough Then You’ll Get Swine Flu.

Don’t Play Video Games – You’ll Become Addicted to Them.

Don’t Listen To Heavy Metal – You’ll become a Devil Worshipper.

Don’t Go To The Market- Some Terrorist Bomb Blast Will Take Place.

Don’t Go To The Beach – Tsunami Will Drown You.

Don’t Go To The Park – Some Guy Will Rob You.

Don’t Arrest Naxals - Their Human Rights Will Be Violated.

Don’t Go To The ATM- Someone Will Steal Your Pin Number.

Don’t Stay At Home- An Earthquake Will Destroy Your House.

The shitheads wont even leave Brinjals alone – don’t eat BT Brinjals, you’ll become a 67 legged mutant freak show with sexually transmitted diseases.

I wonder why these people are so scared all the time. Are they so scared that they refuse to fart for fear that they’ll actually shit their pants?

Just leave Brinjals alone, you got it. Why can’t you people leave Brinjals alone?

What have the Brinjals ever done to you?

And here’s the newest one don’t burst any crackers this Diwali because global warming will increase and the pollution will kill us all and we’ll all be reincarnated as pine tree furniture.

I’m Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. I’m The World’s 1062^nd Richest Man. I will do exactly what I want to do this Diwali.

I’m gonna raise as much hell and kick as much ass as I want. Eat as many sweets, smoke as many cigars and burst as many crackers as I want.

I mean I work hard the rest of the year…right. I deserve to blast fireworks outside Rare Enterprises if I want.

So I’ll do what I want and all the shithead environmentalists and global warming fanatics can go hang themselves.

This is the first weekend of Samvat 2066, I’m getting ready for the Muhurat trading session tonight on the BSE.Every year I walk into the Muhurat trading session, and people prostrate themselves before me. Traders sing my hymns, SEBI officials give me bouquets and flowers. Women blow kisses at me. The managements of all the companies I have a stake in present me free merchandise everything from custom made clothes to custom made watches and jewelry. Managements of all the companies which I don’t have a stake in try to suck up to me and give me free tickets to IPL matches and even more goodies.

I get the same reception that the guy in the Intel ad gets.

Except it’s a 100000000000 times more lavish and filled with grandeur.

Tonight and over the weekend you can also watch me on business channels .Watch me at 3pm and 8pm on the Samvat 2066 market special on CNBC TV18.I will also be around on other business channels this Diwali weekend.

And just to piss off the environmentalists, I‘m gonna burst even more crackers and if they show up outside my Il palazzo flat and my weekend Rare Villa then I’ll attach their puny French fried bodies to my custom built ISRO rockets and launch them into orbit.

I’m Rakesh Jhunjhunwala and I’m gonna have a blast this Diwali.

To all the readers of my Secret Journal I wish all of you a very Happy Diwali. I hope all of you become rich and prosperous – but less rich and less prosperous than me.

Global warming and environmentalists, kiss my ass.

Fireworks, here I come.

Mr.Murthy,I'm Calling You Out

Being a super billionaire, sometimes I really do act as though ordinary events like the Union Budget indeed matter or make a difference to the amount of money I make.

As many of you have seen, I’ve been on TV these past two days ranting my head off as though I am really disappointed by the budget. Normally I rant my head off at Backstreet Boy Wannabe Udayan Mukherjee on CNBC TV18 but my expertise was required this year by ET NOW, the new business channel from the Times of India group.

Now there is one more channel that I can spread my views on thus making a lot of money for my expert comments and using these comments by the said expert to create a situation in the markets which will lead me to make more money.

In an algorithmic format let me explain:

1.) Broadcasting house sets up Business Channel

2.) On Business Channel, I am invited as guest

3.) As an expert guest I say things and get paid by the channel in the form of an appearance fee. An amount called-- R

4.)Brokers, investors and traders watch and intently listen to all that I say on the business channel and make market trades based on all that I have just said. This is an amount called-- A

5.) Lured by my deliberate statements on the business channels ,investors part with their money and create ups or downs in the Sensex and Nifty.

6.) I take advantage of these market fluctuations by investing my own money-- RE

Thus Rocky J’s method of Intraday trading can be represented by this formula where M is the total money I make:

M = R x n + A^p\h + RE (Y*G*S*P*C)

· Where n is the amount of minutes I spend in the studio of a business channel

· p\h is the ratio of panic to hope exhibited by those millions who follow what I say

· Y is my astonishing years of experience

· G is the Blessing of Lord Ganesha

· P is my stunning prowess as an investor coupled with my genius stockbreaking skills

· And C is my inherent coolness.

It’s a RARE formula.

So there I was on ET NOW. Two days earlier I was on CNBC TV18 where I took part in a panel discussion on what needs to be done in the budget.

Just to piss me off Pranab Mukherjee has done the exact opposite. It’s a bloody conspiracy I tell you!

These Bengali people are extremely jealous of me and want to hurt my chances of making money.

First Mamata Banerjee sets the base by making a crap effort at presenting the Railway Budget.

Then Udayan Mukherjee on CNBC TV18 blatantly spreads the UPA\Mamata Banerjee’s anti intelligence propaganda.

And finally Pranab Mukherjee tries to shock the Sensex by reading his dumbass budget.

All of this under the careful supervision of Madam jee.

No matter how many jee’s there are; there is only one Jhunjhunwala.

The deviants within the government even tried to frustrate me by sending Narayan Murthy from Infosys to debate me on the budget analysis show.

Narayan Murthy is the chief mentor of Infosys but on budget day he was in his official capacity as Chief Tormentor.

He tried to torment me with his lameass socialist bullshit but my brilliance struck him down and floored him into submission.

My powerful capitalist ideas born from the stringent economics of the Marwari clan were simply too much for Mr.Murthy to handle. He finally just gave up and simply agreed with everything I said.

Alas not even the great Mr.Narayan Murthy could withstand my onslaught on the budget.I kicked his ass, just watch the video.

Pretty soon he lamented and now we are good buddies .I accept Mr. Murthy into the J world because despite his sometimes stupid ideas he is a good man.

But this is the score – Rakesh Jhunjhunwala: 1, Narayan Murthy: 0

But if he or anyone else wants to take me on then I suggest we do it in the most logical way possible. Not in a debate on TV or warring by newspaper columns but by simply resorting to the old fashioned method of violence.

There is a company in the United States called World Wrestling Entertainment or the WWE. They happen to produce excellent matches with blood and gore.

So if Mr. Murthy or Shankar Sharma ever want to fight me, we should do it in a wrestling ring. I recommend a STEEL CAGE MATCH with special guest referee Pramod Muthalik in Pink Chaddi.

My obvious height and weight advantage will make me a winner and there is absolutely no one who can withstand the full impact of my devastating finishing moves: The Bull Charge and The Belly Press.

You people must also know that there is a contest that is currently being held on a site called indiblogger.in.

I think that the notorious Colton has managed to convince the indiblogging people that I am a comedian. They have nominated this secret journal for some sort of award and insulted me by putting me at #33 in the nominations list.

At this point I would like to issue these written statements :

“I do not write secret journals for awards”

“I would rather be a critically acclaimed writer of secret journals”

“It is important for me to derive creative satisfaction from the projects I undertake”

“I am not bothered by the competition”

“I consider the Chanchalguda Bloggers Film Festival’s Golden Dickhead Award sponsored by Lijjat Papad far more important than indiblogger’s blogger of the month”

“The jury panel is jealous of my achievements”

“I am being discriminated against because of my caste”

“This is a conspiracy”

“The voting machines were rigged”

“It’s someone else’s fault who I will name at a later time”

“I will appeal the decision in the honorable Supreme Court of India”

But just in case I will leave this link here: http://www.indiblogger.in/nominations.php?id=3

I’m not saying that you should do anything but if you do decide to do something then you should go through the trouble of signing up with a username and password and you should do it quickly because the time limit is short.

But just for the record I completely deny all allegations that I sabotaged or rigged the indiblogger of the month awards.

If anyone disagrees, meet me in a steel cage match.

On A Day Like Today

Since it’s a weekend, the markets are closed. I have to find ways to spend my time, on a random day of the weekend this is what my schedule looks like:

AM: 6:00: Get up, brush teeth.

7:00: Go and take a shit, invite Danny Boyle and the producers of Slumdog Millionaire to watch. Persuade them to make a movie on the same. Tell them that they can win the Oscar if they show me shitting instead of the little kid in Slumdog millionaire.

8:00: Read newspaper, eat breakfast. Check to see if Somnath Chatterjee is still alive after the previous day’s house proceedings. He might have died of a sudden heart attack after shouting at the shouting MP's.

9:00: Put on TV; wait for Pakistan to now say that 26/11 was hatched by Serena Williams and Venus Williams in order to ensure that Sania Mirza never ever wins a grand slam.

10:00: Find out which new portfolio of the government is being handled by Pranab Mukherjee. Be doubly sure that in the middle of all the cabinet portfolios he’s handling ,he doesn’t start to handle my stock portfolio.

11:00: Surf the net to check if the notorious Colton has put my new portfolio on his website.

12 noon: Call up Himalaya Publishing House Divisional Office and confirm if the new annual reports of the companies I invested in this past quarter are ready for distribution.

PM: 1:00: LUNCH

2:00: Fly by private jet to Ram Sena’s Mangalore office. Find out where Pramod Mutalik lives and steal the PINK CHADDIS that he and his men received on Valentines Day from his house.

3:00: Go to the head office of the women who sent Pramod Mutalik these chaddis and sell it to them.

4:00: Gloat at the fact that by selling pink chaddis to the women it belonged in the first place I made a profit. Call Mini-J and tell him to invest the profits in a new mutual fund called ‘PINK CHADDI FUND’.

5:00: Fly to Iraq and meet Muntazer Al Zeidi.Take advice on how to throw stuff at people.

6:00: Fly from there to the United States home of Nadia Sulaiman who gave birth to 8 children at once. Use Muntazer’s advice to throw a flying baby at her. Perform belly dance to put her in a hypnotic sleep and then perform surgery to remove her uterus. Leave pamphlet behind telling her that the earth is over-populated as it is so stop having all those babies, DAMN IT.

7:00: Return home and watch CNBC TV18.Get irritated by the sight of Udayan Mukherjee’s face. Make dartboard in the shape of Udayan’s face and throw darts at it.

8:00: Check Ganesha statue collection and order the new gold 56471qw Ganesha model from Telebrands catalogue.

8:30: DINNER

9:00: Discuss new ways to kill Shankar Sharma with my mutual fund buddies.

9:30: Talk to wife; serenade her with everything that I did the whole day till she goes to sleep out of boredom

10:00: Walk around expensive Il-Palazzo flat, yell at Vinod Khanna and check to see if he’s wearing the chicken suit I gave him.

11:00: Smoke new cigar set and calculate P/E ratios of the 568764598476 companies that I’ve invested in.

12:00: Go to sleep. Find new companies to invest in my dreams.