Being a super billionaire, sometimes I really do act as though ordinary events like the Union Budget indeed matter or make a difference to the amount of money I make.
As many of you have seen, I’ve been on TV these past two days ranting my head off as though I am really disappointed by the budget. Normally I rant my head off at Backstreet Boy Wannabe Udayan Mukherjee on CNBC TV18 but my expertise was required this year by ET NOW, the new business channel from the Times of India group.
Now there is one more channel that I can spread my views on thus making a lot of money for my expert comments and using these comments by the said expert to create a situation in the markets which will lead me to make more money.
In an algorithmic format let me explain:
1.) Broadcasting house sets up Business Channel
2.) On Business Channel, I am invited as guest
3.) As an expert guest I say things and get paid by the channel in the form of an appearance fee. An amount called-- R
4.)Brokers, investors and traders watch and intently listen to all that I say on the business channel and make market trades based on all that I have just said. This is an amount called-- A
5.) Lured by my deliberate statements on the business channels ,investors part with their money and create ups or downs in the Sensex and Nifty.
6.) I take advantage of these market fluctuations by investing my own money-- RE
Thus Rocky J’s method of Intraday trading can be represented by this formula where M is the total money I make:
M = R x n + A^p\h + RE (Y*G*S*P*C)
· Where n is the amount of minutes I spend in the studio of a business channel
· p\h is the ratio of panic to hope exhibited by those millions who follow what I say
· Y is my astonishing years of experience
· G is the Blessing of Lord Ganesha
· P is my stunning prowess as an investor coupled with my genius stockbreaking skills
· And C is my inherent coolness.
It’s a RARE formula.
So there I was on ET NOW. Two days earlier I was on CNBC TV18 where I took part in a panel discussion on what needs to be done in the budget.
Just to piss me off Pranab Mukherjee has done the exact opposite. It’s a bloody conspiracy I tell you!
These Bengali people are extremely jealous of me and want to hurt my chances of making money.
First Mamata Banerjee sets the base by making a crap effort at presenting the Railway Budget.
Then Udayan Mukherjee on CNBC TV18 blatantly spreads the UPA\Mamata Banerjee’s anti intelligence propaganda.
And finally Pranab Mukherjee tries to shock the Sensex by reading his dumbass budget.
All of this under the careful supervision of Madam jee.
No matter how many jee’s there are; there is only one Jhunjhunwala.
The deviants within the government even tried to frustrate me by sending Narayan Murthy from Infosys to debate me on the budget analysis show.
Narayan Murthy is the chief mentor of Infosys but on budget day he was in his official capacity as Chief Tormentor.
He tried to torment me with his lameass socialist bullshit but my brilliance struck him down and floored him into submission.
My powerful capitalist ideas born from the stringent economics of the Marwari clan were simply too much for Mr.Murthy to handle. He finally just gave up and simply agreed with everything I said.
Alas not even the great Mr.Narayan Murthy could withstand my onslaught on the budget.I kicked his ass, just watch the video.
Pretty soon he lamented and now we are good buddies .I accept Mr. Murthy into the J world because despite his sometimes stupid ideas he is a good man.
But this is the score – Rakesh Jhunjhunwala: 1, Narayan Murthy: 0
But if he or anyone else wants to take me on then I suggest we do it in the most logical way possible. Not in a debate on TV or warring by newspaper columns but by simply resorting to the old fashioned method of violence.
There is a company in the United States called World Wrestling Entertainment or the WWE. They happen to produce excellent matches with blood and gore.
So if Mr. Murthy or Shankar Sharma ever want to fight me, we should do it in a wrestling ring. I recommend a STEEL CAGE MATCH with special guest referee Pramod Muthalik in Pink Chaddi.
My obvious height and weight advantage will make me a winner and there is absolutely no one who can withstand the full impact of my devastating finishing moves: The Bull Charge and The Belly Press.
You people must also know that there is a contest that is currently being held on a site called indiblogger.in.
I think that the notorious Colton has managed to convince the indiblogging people that I am a comedian. They have nominated this secret journal for some sort of award and insulted me by putting me at #33 in the nominations list.
At this point I would like to issue these written statements :
“I do not write secret journals for awards”
“I would rather be a critically acclaimed writer of secret journals”
“It is important for me to derive creative satisfaction from the projects I undertake”
“I am not bothered by the competition”
“I consider the Chanchalguda Bloggers Film Festival’s Golden Dickhead Award sponsored by Lijjat Papad far more important than indiblogger’s blogger of the month”
“The jury panel is jealous of my achievements”
“I am being discriminated against because of my caste”
“This is a conspiracy”
“The voting machines were rigged”
“It’s someone else’s fault who I will name at a later time”
“I will appeal the decision in the honorable Supreme Court of India”
But just in case I will leave this link here: http://www.indiblogger.in/nominations.php?id=3
I’m not saying that you should do anything but if you do decide to do something then you should go through the trouble of signing up with a username and password and you should do it quickly because the time limit is short.
But just for the record I completely deny all allegations that I sabotaged or rigged the indiblogger of the month awards.
If anyone disagrees, meet me in a steel cage match.
