Product Testing And Subtexting

As the official brand ambassador of Telebrands, yours truly is often required to test their newest products.

Their latest product is called the Telebrands SUBTEXTER™ and I’ve been trying it out on all these guys.

Prime Minister, Dr Manmohan Singh: “We have the capacity and ability to sustain the growth rate of about eight per cent and will do so.”

Subtext: It’s amazing how I have a degree in Economics from Cambridge University but can still continue to say that we can grow at 8% despite the worst economic crisis in a century. I only have to keep saying this till the ELECTION, after that it’s someone else’s problem.

LK Advani: “The government's flawed policies led to high inflation.”

Subtext: Let me see now. I blamed the UPA government for:

1. The Nuclear Deal.

2. The terrorist attacks (both in India and planet Neptune).

3. Cash for votes scam.

4. Kandhamal violence.

5. Every single flyover collapse this past decade.

6. Crash of the Sensex in 2008.

7. Somali pirates.

8. Barack Obama becoming US president.

9. Habibul Bashar and the Bangladesh team joining the ICL.

10. Congo Pirates.

11. Lalu Yadav using hair gel on my birthday.

12. Katrina Kaif still using a dubbing artist to speak Hindi in her films.

13. Banning the film ‘Deshdrohi’.

14. etc.

I‘ve got to find newer things to blame the government or else I’ll never be PM.

CB Bhave, Chairman SEBI: "There is no evidence so far that any Bear cartel is operating or there is any kind of manipulation in the markets."

Subtext: I learnt a new word called CARTEL after the Telecom Minister also said the CARTEL was behind the 60,000 Crore rupees spectrum scam.

Vijay Mallya: “I do not run Kingfisher Airlines through media.”

Subtext: Ooh Laa Laa Laa Lala Looeye Oh,Oo Laa Laa Laa Laa Laa Ley Oh.

Montek Singh Ahluwalia: "Let me assure you that inflation is coming down and in recessionary circumstances, industry will automatically soften prices."

Subtext: That’s the 9 millionth time I’ve said something stupid but I know I’ll get away with it. I can always say I was quoted out of context if someone brings this up.

CPM General Secretary Prakash Karat: "They will pay for their misdeeds and people will vote them out of power. What we need to see is that no communal party sits in the chair. We are confident of a good performance"

Subtext: Okay listen, how come none of the news channels are talking about me ever since the Nuclear Deal-Confidence Vote fiasco ended? I feel so used.

Karan Johar :"It's fun and new. We've made sure not to offend any group or community. I'd never make a film that would offend anybody. Dostana has a great look and it's a clean happy watch"

Subtext: I’ve just taken my secret gay existence to a whole new level. I made a film where one of the heroes is married to Aishwarya Rai and the other is engaged to Bipasha Basu.That’s two guys involved with the two hottest chicks in the country and I still show them as gay people in my film. How many more clues do people actually need to realize I too am gay? Should I start wearing a sari now?

Praveen Togadia: “I do not know Pragya Singh at all. But I know she is not a terrorist.”

Subtext: Only Muslims are terrorists, especially the converted Muslims like Mikaeel Jackson.

Emergency Round Table Conference - Part 1

Time: 6 pm; Date: Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Place:Gram Vikas Mahila Community Hall (because the Taj was booked)

Occasion: Emergency meeting of the Association of Rich Guys© (Indian Division) to discuss really important things.

“Me: Ladies, Gentlemen and Hutchinson.D.Pug. We are gathered here today in light of the serious situation that has occurred after the bomb blasts in Bangalore and Ahmadabad. Many of us have received death threats. I am personally offended that I have not received a death threat but my good friend Muk-hays Ambani has.

Most importantly, the Bombay Stock Exchange is also a target. You people must make this a priority as well because all your money is here and none of you are as smart as me when it comes to making money of the Sensex.

Moreover after receiving this from the Government, I trust them even less.

Me: I now open the floor to debate possible solutions to this problem of bombs, terrorists and terrorists who want to bomb the BSE.

Pravin Togadia: We can combat this problem by conducting riots.

Ha-Nil Ambani: How will that help?

Muk-hays Ambani.I call for my little brother’s comment to be cancelled from the records. I use my first right of refusal to refuse him the first response to Togadia’s solution.

Togadia: Shut up Ambanis & listen to me. Riots work because I’ve been taught that Riots are the one universal solution to all of mankind’s problems. For example the solution to the problem 2+2 is not 4 but riots. Inflation can be solved by riots. Power Cuts can be solved by riots. Poverty and hunger can also be solved by riots. The Kashmir problem can be solved by using riots.

Even riots can be solved by riots.

Monty Ahluwalia: As Deputy Chairman of the Planning Commission, I plan to propose a plan which will institute a committee to probe the blasts. To validate the findings of this committee I plan to form another committee to look into the findings of the first committee. I then plan to have another committee to review the recommendations of the first two committees. All committees will be headed by retired High Court judges. I’m sure that after Twenty Years and another 2000 blasts we will have a definite answer to solving this problem. Patience is the key

Alyque Padamsee: Can I go now? There is a TV channel somewhere that needs my expert opinion on the bomb blasts.


Baba Ramdev: Riots are not the universal solution to mankind’s problems. YOGA is. Let us have a mass workshop on Yoga and teach Yoga to everyone. I plan on releasing a new book ‘Yoga For Terrorists’ which will dissuade them from bombing anything.

Togadia: Eh Baba, How dare you say YOGA>RIOT; just for that I will conduct more Riots.

Baba Ramdev: No problem, you can use my book ‘Yoga For Rioters: A Comprehensive Guide To Better Rioting’ available for Rs.799/- only. In fact if you buy it today you get a free DVD of Shilpa Shetty doing Yoga on a boat.

RatanTata: I once saw a terrorist family of five using just one gun. I was moved. I now plan to open a manufacturing unit in Singur to make cheaper guns for terrorists. I shall call it the MEGA AK 47-NANO.It will cost only one hundred rupees.

Mamata Banerjee: Riot

Togadia: Yeah Baby, Riot.

Mamata Banerjee: Not against the blasts baldy, against Ratan Tata and the new Singur plant.

Narayan Murthy: At Infosys we are driven by a drive to create low cost solutions for the world. Maybe we can have some of these terrorists outsource their work to us. We will conduct bombings for them at cheaper rates. Unfortunately those guys want to bomb our own campuses in India.

Sachin Tendulkar: Visa Power for bombings, go get it.

Pavan Munjal: It’s a difficult decision for me. Ever since the bombings started the sales of Hero Cycles have increased.

Me: Okay, stop it; they need to close down the hall. The police suspect a bomb somewhere in the area. We’ll continue this later.”

(To Be Continued)