Kya Hoga Symmo KA ? NO MONKEYS Allowed

Being famous isn’t easy especially if you’re an Australian and you’re a Cricket player and you don’t like being called 'MONKEY'. Andrew Symonds is feeling depressed, he thinks he can’t make it to India next month. As market leader, I too am famous and I like helping people. I wrote this letter to Andrew teaching him how to deal with stress and troubles in life.

Dear Andrew,

You are feeling sad. I know.

The Australian media is reporting that you’re still pissed that your Cricket Board did nothing after Harbhajan Singh called you a ‘MONKEY’. That and the fact that you are scared of facing a formidable team like Bangladesh has sent you into a state of emotional depression. I heard that you went fishing instead of discussing important strategies on how to beat Bangladesh in a team meeting .This is why your Cricket Board sent you away and caused your present problem.

The Bangladeshis are known to do this from time to time. They did it to us with Taslima Nasreen.Her entry into our country caused a lot of our people to examine their own future like you.

However, I can’t understand why you’re still pissed at Harbhajan of all people. Harbhajan was only practicing his mother tongue when he said ‘Tere Maa Ki’ not ‘MONKEY’. There is a problem with your ear but there are a lot of problems with every Australian’s ear. The Australian medical establishment is in a state of crisis .Your doctors can’t diagnose these problems properly.

Australian doctors are not trained for this sort of stuff and their situation has become worse ever since they started sending talented doctors who are trained for this like Haneef Mohammad back.

And now your stupid Cricket Board has decided to send you to a Head Doctor for ‘Psychological Assessment’ instead of an Ear Doctor for ear inspection. Australians are weird.

You must however come to India. Our country loves you. I will personally employ the brave men and women of TOPS Group Security to make sure that no one in the crowds calls you ‘MONKEY’.I will also recommend that stress for the nerves can be overcome by using traditional Indian remedies like ‘Himani Navratan Oil’.

You should also get into the habit of eating one spoon of Dabur Chywanprash everyday. It makes your nerves strong. I can ensure a lifelong supply for you if you invest in Dabur. Today’s closing price of Dabur’s share was only Rs.96.50/-.

You can also get rid of stress by slapping one of your team-mates . Harbhajan was stressed just like you after he came back from Australia but his stress disappeared after he slapped Sreesanth.Now he’s fine and he even took ten wickets in a match against Sri Lanka.

I can arrange for Matthew Hayden to call you an ‘Obnoxious little MONKEY weed’. You can slap him, and then you’ll be fine.

Also don’t worry about Lalit Modi telling you that you can’t play for the IPL.The rules of the IPL are unclear just like the Indo-US nuclear deal. Whether you can play or not play is as uncertain as whether India can test nuclear weapons or not.

It pains me to see you like this. You were once like the Heavy Metal Band Metallica. Now you’ve become Ghazal singer Altaf Raja.

You can become Metallica once more by listening to their new album ‘Death Magnetic’ releasing on September 12.The word ‘MONKEY’ doesn’t appear in any of their songs.

Always a friend,
Rakesh Jhunjhunwala.

Emergency Round Table Conference!! -The Conclusion

“Me: Order, Order.Let us continue our discussion on how to stop terrorists, bombs and terrorists with bombs.

Prabhu Chawla, India Today: Let us do Seedhi Baat. I have heard that the Bombay Stock Exchange has formed a collaboration with the IIFT.Let us first and foremost break that collaboration.

I don’t want to see models wearing bombs covering their um……ahem……areas, while walking on a ramp in the BSE all as part of some designer’s ‘Bomb Collection 2008-Haute Couture’.

Terrorist organizations can easily send their own suicide bombers disguised as models wearing bombs. While we are admiring the intricate craftsmanship of the…..Bombs and how they perfectly eclipse the...areas, the bombers can easily set the bombs off destroying us and the Exchange in the process.

Hutchinson.D.Pug: And when they do you bloody fellows will call all my friends in the Bomb Squad’s Canine Unit. After the Ahmedabad/Bangalore blasts a cousin of mine called Chintu has developed high blood pressure after being overworked by the Mumbai Police smelling all the areas they came to know of via hoax calls. Luckily for me the hoax callers at least used Vodafone Mobile so I made some money. Look at poor Chintu’s photo. He and I in this beautiful world…..should be chasing little girls.

Rohit Bal: I want to say that the wrong IIFT is being talked about,It's the Indian Institute Of Foreign Trade that the Sensex is collaborating with not the Indian Institute Of Fashion Technology.Moreover, I am creative. If I find inspiration in bombs there’s nothing I can do about it. My previous inspirations have seen my models wearing everything from Dustbin Lids to Jam Bottles to Toilet Seats. I can’t help it if I feel the need to cover Models with Bombs.

Ashwani Kumar: Don’t worry people. As the new chief of the CBI I promise to do everything I can to prevent further attacks. Like many companies on the Stock Exchange the terrorists also declared their quarterly results last week in their newsletter ‘Infidel Monthly’. There’s a sharp decline in sub continental bombings and top bosses are pissed that they screwed up the Surat bombings.

Sushma Swaraj: Everything is a conspiracy on part of the UPA. The UPA also faked the Moon landing and were responsible for the Czechoslovakian Earthquake of 1234 AD and even the shock exit of India at last year’s World Cup.

Kumar Mangalam Birla: I have spoken to the PM and he has conveyed our serious concerns to the Pakistani PM in the SAARC summit. He has also given the Pakistanis proof from the Americans.

Kamal Nath: The only bloody reason the US agreed to share their proof was because they wanted the PM to never send me to negotiate at the WTO ever again. I went there with a 1 point agenda, to say ‘NO’ to everything. I even said ‘NO’ when the Trade Secretary wanted to go to the Loo. He controlled his ….area for 75 hours.

Jayalalithaa: Call me Amma.I want to point out that this organization is anti feminist. The title should be changed to the All India Association of Rich Dogs and People. It will then be AIARDP and will rhyme with AIADMK.

Rajat Sharma: India TV considered the blasts an important event on par with our brilliant coverage of how Jimmy the monkey stole a biscuit from a woman’s house. Jimmy was however proven innocent on my show ‘Janata Ki Adalat’.

Please remember we invented ‘Breaking News’. On tonight’s show we profile the secret of Kalyanpur Zoo and Jimmy’s second stealing.

Vijay Mallya: The terrorists at least did a decent job unlike my loser IPL team. I want to make a video now entitled ‘Royal Terrorists Ka Josh Hai’.

Y.C Deveshwar, ITC: Can we at least focus on the topic?

Govinda: Don’t talk like that; I’ve had enough of listening to Somnath Chatterjee talk like that in Parliament. That’s why I stopped attending Parliament in the first place.

Anbumani Ramadoss: Bombs produce smoke which is injurious to health. There should be no bombing in public places.

Kiran Mazumdar Shaw: So bombs can be placed in private places?

L.K Advani: No, bombs should be placed only in Pokhran and for others there is POTA.

Vaiko: My party gave POTA the PODA.

Indra Nooyi: And I drank a Pepsi with soda.

Me: This Is Useless, Let’s just agree to maintain status quo.

Rakhi Sawant: What does that mean?

Arun Shourie: It means to do nothing which is exactly what I’ve been doing since the NDA went out of power.

After 20 minutes…..

Me: Just like the IAEA we have arrived by consensus to do nothing. At least you guys pressed the right buttons unlike the Indian Parliament on trust vote days. Let us now watch a documentary.

Kushal Pal Singh: Which one?

Me: Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Rajat Sharma: There’s a program like that!!,that’s :

BREAKING NEWS.”

A Study Of The Communists

The communists are an ancient tribe. They started out in the Stone Age often drawing symbols of the Hammer and the Sickle on the walls of caves.

In India the communists of today are headed by a man called Prakash Carrot.A 24 Karat numbskull with a brain the size of a dust mite. He is the leader of his tribe. Every week or ten days they meet in a secret location and worship their idol called the ‘POLITBURO’. The politburo is nothing more than a bureau with rusty metal hinges.

The communists sing songs and dance all night long in ceremonial robes. Some of them apply red marks on the bodies of others. They are known as Marxists.

Finally they tonk each others heads with hammers. Over the years this has caused serious injury to their leaders especially Prakash Carrot.

At times he is confused whether he’s supposed to support the government or oppose it. Till today Carrot has no idea why the hell he’s even supporting the Manmohan Singh Government.

I know Carrot is a communist simply by looking at his designation. He’s the CPI’s Secretary General. Only a communist organization would use such a lame ass term to describe its top guy. People don’t know whether he’s a Secretary or a General. Is he a General who is also a Secretary? Does that mean that he is busy typing letters while commanding the troops in war? Or is he a General who is someone else’s Secretary. Only the communists could invent an army where there is indeed a higher position than a General and the higher position is served by the General as a Secretary.

Prakash and the communists are strict adherents of the communist manifesto. I recently got a copy of it from the new chairman of the Bombay Stock Exchange. My study of the communists received a big impetus thanks to this strange book. Some of its points read:

• Find a Capitalist Prime Minister and support his party. Then make his life hell by creating more trouble for him than the opposition. Support the government but act like an opposition YET oppose the opposition on the basis of ‘ideology’.

• If something like the Nuclear Deal is good for the country, then it is by default bad.

• It is necessary to have the government waste a ton of cash in trying to negotiate the deal for 3 years and then to stop the deal at the last stage by using the sacred word: OPERATIONALISE.

• A sick old man of eighty called Pranab Mukherjee must be stressed to the point of Cardiac Arrest in negotiating the nuclear deal.

• The party should use a stone faced mole man to shout at television journalists in explicit words. That man should be called AB Bardhan.

• In case AB Bardhan does not produce the required effect, D Raja must be let out of his cage to go and abuse TV journalists in Tamil coated English expletives. He must also repeat ‘nuclear deal’ every 2 seconds and pronounce every as ‘yevery’.

• Mulayam Singh Yadav and Amar Singh should be called ‘comrades’ and given undue importance so that Sitaram Yechury can act in a film alongside Amitabh Bachchan.That film should not be about the nuclear deal.

I am still in the process of decoding the fascinatingly useless mind of the communist through the pages of the manifesto.

Thank Ganesha, I’m no Communist.

----Rakesh Jhunjhunwala,
----Proudly Capitalist.