OK Indiblogger, You Asked For It, This Is A Show Of Strength Because I Am Not A 45.

Dear Readers of my journal,

An attempt has been made to malign the image of your hero (me) master stockbreaker, legendary investor and The World’s 1062^nd Richest Man.

Dalal Street is in a grim mood because its guide has been insulted.

I know that you guys know that there is a site out there called Indiblogger. In an effort to make themselves famous Indiblogger has done the unthinkable. They’ve created a system of ranking Indian blogs, this is a scandalous concept.

What’s worse is that my Secret Journal has been ranked FORTY FIVE OUT OF 100, that’s right my philosophical concepts have only managed to create a rank score of 45/100 on the Indiblogger ranking system.

To quote Emraan Hashmi “I Have Been Denied A House Ranked 45/100 because I Am A Muslim Legendary Investor”

Just like Mahesh Bhatt came out to support Emraan I expect you guys to support me in the same way and complain to Indiblogger about this great prejudice against me. Also if you guys could break some shop windows and set a few buses on fire, it would be awesome but if the police ask me anything about you people creating a riot I’ll deny any and all existence of you and say that you are Shankar Sharma’s cronies and this whole thing is “A Political Conspiracy” and “The Rumors Are Baseless And Politically Motivated”.

So while I rally the forces on Dalal Street the wheels are already in motion to create a mass civil disobedience movement highlighting Indiblogger’s dumbass ranking of my SECRET JOURNAL.

O lord have sweet mercy on the Indiblogger people. They asked for it, they wanted my attention and now they’ve got it.

By ranking me 45/100 they’ve INDIBLOGGIED MY ASS.

The outrageousness has people talking. I’m touched by all the things my famous celebrity buddies and journal readers are saying in the media. Their support means a lot to me.

Who’s saying what?

Rennie Ravin , Founder Of Indiblogger -“ I put a picture of a tiger on my blog, then used Indiblogger’s ranking system to give my own site a ranking of 63/100 while Rakesh only got a 45,this is what happens when the only pictures he seems to put on his blog are those of monkeys”

Concerned Mother- “He’s a bloody sexist pig.

Serves him right, if it were me I would have given his blog -694/100.My hardworking son used to spend all his time reading and learning, even while taking a dump he used to read the newspaper but ever since that bloody Jhunjhunwala fellow started to blog my son does nothing but read that stupid thing trying to form an alliance with Rakesh because the market is his altar and he is it’s God”

Devina Mehra, Crazy Kung Fu Hair Lady- “He’s so selfish. He’s talking about himself as usual at a time when the country is going through crisis after crisis. Bloody fellow is complaining about his stupid Indiblogger rank when people in Pune are dying of swine flu. Shankar would never do that”

Rashmi Bansal, Career Cracker, and Youth Curry Maker -“I hate Rakesh, he thinks he’s so bloody cool but he’s a dipshit moron. I’d rather tell people to go to IIPM instead of becoming a stockbroker like him on my TV show Cracking Careers, Saturdays At 6 pm only on UTVi”

Gautam Ghosh, Management Consultant -“What are you asking me for? I got an Indiblogger rank of 87 /100. I’m not complaining.

This is completely Rakesh’s fault.”

Sucheta Dalal, Editor Moneylife Magazine -“I regret the day I formed an alliance with Rakesh and told people I read his SECRET JOURNAL .I should just go ahead and punk his ass out like I did with Harshad Mehta and then I’ll wallop his hundred pound backside with my Padmashri”

Desi Prime Minister -“Career Path UPA, are you ready?”

Nesil Staney, Mint Journalist -“Worst assignment of my life covering Rakesh Jhunjhunwala and his so called cult status. Now I suffer from recurring nightmares every night.”

Shiv Kumar Mishra, Journal Reader -“My life has been ruined ever since I started to read The Secret Journal of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala.”

Preetam Singh, Comment Leaver -“The standard of his so called 'jokes' is so low, his 'humor' is so juvenile. He only likes to do toilet humor and FART JOKES”

Random Member Of Indiblogger Team -“Most unprofessional Indian blogger. Has no long term plans and definitely not funny. The ranking is completely justified. We’re sticking to it unless Rakesh buys Indiblogger out in a secret deal then we’ll rank it as #1 but by that time I will put in my resignation. ”

The guy who makes pictures for The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala- “This is the same guy who forced me to make superheroes out of Varun Gandhi and Yash Chopra. He’s not even going to have half a problem simply making himself a fake Indiblogger badge as the top ranked blogger to put it in his sidebar.”

Sathyanarain, Blog Reader -“I’m going to spam his head with this e-mail and clog up his inbox:

HI,We sell electronic product, welcome to visit our website ： http://egodshop.com you should find out some product you want. If you become our agent,so you will get more profit.

Our msn or email: info@egodshop.com

Good luck.”

Hobo, Secret Journal Reader- “Worst Blog Everrrrr. I’m never reading again.”

Sidz, Reader -“He sucks AND his poetry sucks AND he’s full of crap.”

ARUN GIRI, UTVi- “He better not make fun of my moustache. I know Mohan Parasaran’s phone number”

Anonymous comment leaver -“YOU ARE A SICK MAN, Mr. JHUNJHUNWALA! MAYBE, GO AND SEE A PSYCHIATRIST. IT WILL HELP! SHOWS ON YOUR EYES AND FACE! ”

Anil Ambani, Gas Fighter - “He said I’ll do anything for gas”

Deve Gowda - “He Misinterprets My Penchant for Resting My Body as a Serious Defect. Bloody Bastard”

The Notorious Colton- “I never even stole his portfolio, he should hammer Indiblogger BUT in a nice way”

Indiblogger, now you know what happens when you mess with me. My friends gather and morally support me.

Jhunjhunwala is like this only, welcome to the show, please come inside.

Mr.Murthy,I'm Calling You Out

Being a super billionaire, sometimes I really do act as though ordinary events like the Union Budget indeed matter or make a difference to the amount of money I make.

As many of you have seen, I’ve been on TV these past two days ranting my head off as though I am really disappointed by the budget. Normally I rant my head off at Backstreet Boy Wannabe Udayan Mukherjee on CNBC TV18 but my expertise was required this year by ET NOW, the new business channel from the Times of India group.

Now there is one more channel that I can spread my views on thus making a lot of money for my expert comments and using these comments by the said expert to create a situation in the markets which will lead me to make more money.

In an algorithmic format let me explain:

1.) Broadcasting house sets up Business Channel

2.) On Business Channel, I am invited as guest

3.) As an expert guest I say things and get paid by the channel in the form of an appearance fee. An amount called-- R

4.)Brokers, investors and traders watch and intently listen to all that I say on the business channel and make market trades based on all that I have just said. This is an amount called-- A

5.) Lured by my deliberate statements on the business channels ,investors part with their money and create ups or downs in the Sensex and Nifty.

6.) I take advantage of these market fluctuations by investing my own money-- RE

Thus Rocky J’s method of Intraday trading can be represented by this formula where M is the total money I make:

M = R x n + A^p\h + RE (Y*G*S*P*C)

· Where n is the amount of minutes I spend in the studio of a business channel

· p\h is the ratio of panic to hope exhibited by those millions who follow what I say

· Y is my astonishing years of experience

· G is the Blessing of Lord Ganesha

· P is my stunning prowess as an investor coupled with my genius stockbreaking skills

· And C is my inherent coolness.

It’s a RARE formula.

So there I was on ET NOW. Two days earlier I was on CNBC TV18 where I took part in a panel discussion on what needs to be done in the budget.

Just to piss me off Pranab Mukherjee has done the exact opposite. It’s a bloody conspiracy I tell you!

These Bengali people are extremely jealous of me and want to hurt my chances of making money.

First Mamata Banerjee sets the base by making a crap effort at presenting the Railway Budget.

Then Udayan Mukherjee on CNBC TV18 blatantly spreads the UPA\Mamata Banerjee’s anti intelligence propaganda.

And finally Pranab Mukherjee tries to shock the Sensex by reading his dumbass budget.

All of this under the careful supervision of Madam jee.

No matter how many jee’s there are; there is only one Jhunjhunwala.

The deviants within the government even tried to frustrate me by sending Narayan Murthy from Infosys to debate me on the budget analysis show.

Narayan Murthy is the chief mentor of Infosys but on budget day he was in his official capacity as Chief Tormentor.

He tried to torment me with his lameass socialist bullshit but my brilliance struck him down and floored him into submission.

My powerful capitalist ideas born from the stringent economics of the Marwari clan were simply too much for Mr.Murthy to handle. He finally just gave up and simply agreed with everything I said.

Alas not even the great Mr.Narayan Murthy could withstand my onslaught on the budget.I kicked his ass, just watch the video.

Pretty soon he lamented and now we are good buddies .I accept Mr. Murthy into the J world because despite his sometimes stupid ideas he is a good man.

But this is the score – Rakesh Jhunjhunwala: 1, Narayan Murthy: 0

But if he or anyone else wants to take me on then I suggest we do it in the most logical way possible. Not in a debate on TV or warring by newspaper columns but by simply resorting to the old fashioned method of violence.

There is a company in the United States called World Wrestling Entertainment or the WWE. They happen to produce excellent matches with blood and gore.

So if Mr. Murthy or Shankar Sharma ever want to fight me, we should do it in a wrestling ring. I recommend a STEEL CAGE MATCH with special guest referee Pramod Muthalik in Pink Chaddi.

My obvious height and weight advantage will make me a winner and there is absolutely no one who can withstand the full impact of my devastating finishing moves: The Bull Charge and The Belly Press.

You people must also know that there is a contest that is currently being held on a site called indiblogger.in.

I think that the notorious Colton has managed to convince the indiblogging people that I am a comedian. They have nominated this secret journal for some sort of award and insulted me by putting me at #33 in the nominations list.

At this point I would like to issue these written statements :

“I do not write secret journals for awards”

“I would rather be a critically acclaimed writer of secret journals”

“It is important for me to derive creative satisfaction from the projects I undertake”

“I am not bothered by the competition”

“I consider the Chanchalguda Bloggers Film Festival’s Golden Dickhead Award sponsored by Lijjat Papad far more important than indiblogger’s blogger of the month”

“The jury panel is jealous of my achievements”

“I am being discriminated against because of my caste”

“This is a conspiracy”

“The voting machines were rigged”

“It’s someone else’s fault who I will name at a later time”

“I will appeal the decision in the honorable Supreme Court of India”

But just in case I will leave this link here: http://www.indiblogger.in/nominations.php?id=3

I’m not saying that you should do anything but if you do decide to do something then you should go through the trouble of signing up with a username and password and you should do it quickly because the time limit is short.

But just for the record I completely deny all allegations that I sabotaged or rigged the indiblogger of the month awards.

If anyone disagrees, meet me in a steel cage match.