Thursday, July 1, 2010

Rehman Malik : EVIDENCE LOVER --- An Epic Blade

In light of recent developments in neighboring Pakistan I have been buying vast caches of CENTER FRESH CHEWING GUM.

Read the following letter/guide which by the way is also a BLADE from Pakistan Interior Minister Rehman Malik to know why I’m buying up every packet of Center Fresh I can lay my royal hands on.

If you don’t know what BLADE means than read through the guide below patiently and by the time you’re done with it,I’m sure you’ll know what BLADE means.

This blade is simply way too epic to be a normal blade. It is without doubt the greatest blade of all time. It is an Epic blade!

It is so epic that it should be kept in a museum like The Ramayana, The Mahabharata and The Lord Of The Rings so that future generations come to know what and how an Epic blade is written and explained.



Dear Greatest Person Rakesh,

You probably know me as the interior minister of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. I come from the same country as Shoaib Malik who recently married female tennis player Sania Mirza from India. Please read through this explanation I have assembled painstakingly for your convenience.

1.] Explaining EVIDENCE : The Need To Write This Letter

As you know I recently held many a round of talks over tea and biscuits with The Indian Home Minister Palaniappan Chidambaram here in Islamabad.

We discussed many things like the weather, general everyday developments like who got eliminated this week on Indian Idol, the latest Bollywood films like Raavan and present pop culture phenomenon like The Backstreet Boys and N*Sync .They may be long gone but here in Pakistan they are popular as always!!

Oh yeah, there were also discussions about terrorism, 26/11, Hafiz Saeed, infiltration by us across the LoC, etc, etc but these are very minor issues.

The purpose of me writing this to your esteemed self is not to however discuss what I discussed with the famed proponent of the English language and Lungi Fashion Model Mr. Chidambaram.

It is to highlight to you and your countrymen something far more important. An important aspect of Pakistan government policy which has been widely Misunderstood, Misquoted, Misinterpreted, Misreferenced and generally perceived as a Mistake.

I am of course referring to the Central Core of Our Foreign Affairs doctrine and something that I personally pioneered in the history of Pakistan.

I am talking about my love for EVIDENCE.

2.] The Role Of EVIDENCE In My Life

On a personal level everyone knows me as a fine connoisseur of good quality EVIDENCE. Many people on this planet have hobbies .Some collect stamps, some collect coins, some collect pirated DVD’s but I collect EVIDENCE.

EVIDENCE of all kinds. EVIDENCE from all countries and EVIDENCE of all types whether they be bullet shells, rubber tyres,name plates, written letters, soiled handkerchiefs or even dossiers. I am the world’s largest private collector of EVIDENCE and my personal collection of EVIDENCE is antique and modern. Last year it was valued by a reputed auction house for well over millions.

EVIDENCE is the basis of all life because otherwise how does one know if something said to be done has been done?

What is the proof that the act has been committed?

For me EVIDENCE is more than a hobby .It is my way of life. It is my religion. My passion and my obsession.

I consider myself blessed because my job as Pakistan’s Interior Minister allows me to combine my duties as minister with my love for EVIDENCE. It gives me access to the world’s best EVIDENCE and the authority to ask for it in my capacity as a government official simultaneously furthering my love for and reputation as an EVIDENCE lover.

3.] Appreciating EVIDENCE : A Constant Conundrum

EVIDENCE loving is a difficult skill. Not everyone can appreciate the quality and the need for good EVIDENCE. It is for this reason that whenever I ask for EVIDENCE say in case of terrorist acts like 26/11 from your government repeatedly, I am constantly subject to ridicule and scorn by many in India.

People believe me to be a hypocrite .Someone that asks others for EVIDENCE but in his own life is satisfied with regular assurances.

I promise you that this is not the case. It is to clear this misunderstanding that I am writing this analysis on EVIDENCE and its virtues.

4.] My Personal Struggle: The Incident Regarding EVIDENCE Which Changed My Life

For a long time in my life I used to be a sad little child. I used to roll up alongside my bedroom wall and crawl into the fetal position. For the first seven years of my life I was miserable and sunk in an ocean of sadness and desperation.

I couldn’t eat properly nor sleep. I roamed the streets of my neighborhood in agony, my heart pining away for some solace every miserable second of my boyhood life.

The reasons for my sadness become clear to me only when my mind grew mature enough. One day the realization dawned on me that the reason I was sad was because despite being a creature on earth I never existed in flesh and blood.

In other words I had never been born!

Despite being here I was still not here because where

was the EVIDENCE that I indeed had been born?

It was this deep rooted question of my very existence which was surfacing in my behavior. It was the reason I was so sad all the time. It was the reason I spent every moment of my life as a young boy confused, saddened and forever drowned in the agony of not existing at all!

It had never ever been enough for me that my body and mind alone were proof of my existence. I sought more to convince myself that I was indeed a person, that I was also a human being, a consciousness bound in flesh with a living soul!

I simply searched for the EVIDENCE of my EXISTENCE.

When I finally mustered the courage to tell my parents about my sadness and quizzed them about my existence I found my answer.

I still remember the day when they called me to their room and presented me with my first dossier. As I opened the dossier I anticipated that something wonderful was about to happen and indeed it did!

I glanced into the opened dossier and read the white paper that lay within it. It was a registered government document complete with the seal of the hospital I had been delivered in and an attested stamp from the district administration of Rawalpindi.

As I read my own name in the document, my gender and time of birth I realized what I was staring at.

It was the cure for my sadness. The truth I had been searching for ever since I was a small baby. It was the proof of my being.

It was my birth certificate. The EVIDENCE of my EXISTENCE !!!!!!!!!

It was only after I had seen my birth certificate with my own two eyes that I finally believed that I was indeed born. That I was a boy because that was the gender specified in the certificate! That I had 2 legs and 2 arms and that I weighed 2 kilograms when I was born!

5.] EVIDENCE can make the world a better place!

All because I had found the EVIDENCE that I was a human being and not a Buffalo, I became happy and since that day I’ve been an EVIDENCE LOVER forever trying to appreciate the role that EVIDENCE played at that point in my life.

EVIDENCE is the reason I am not sad anymore.

EVIDENCE saved me.

EVIDENCE made me happy again!

EVIDENCE is my reason for existing!

EVIDENCE is my joy!

EVIDENCE is my be all and end all!!!

Heck! EVIDENCE is my life !!!

And it is to get my fellow brothers and sisters across the world to be happy like me that I so fervently request, demand and ask for EVIDENCE from everyone I meet so that I may share the EVIDENCE with one and all and ultimately make this world a better place!

Because EVIDENCE is one such force and power that can end all fighting. It is the unifying force to all mankind that can bring us together thus allowing our children to live together in peace!

A world united by EVIDENCE is the biggest EVIDENCE that EVIDENCE is the greatest thing in the History of History.

It is for this reason that I ask so much EVIDENCE from India about the 26/11 attack, EVIDENCE about Hafiz Saeed and EVIDENCE about everything else so that India and Pakistan can stop fighting and live peacefully as two countries united by their love of EVIDENCE!

6.] Farting: A Practical Example Of Using EVIDENCE In Everyday Life

EVIDENCE is not just about bringing people together. It’s also about making life easier for you and me.

EVIDENCE provides ways by which problems of everyday life can be understood much more easily.

Let me quote an example from my everyday activities:

Whenever I get up I try to exercise and keep myself fit by going for a walk.

Whenever I walk, sometimes I fart or I exit gas from my bum hole


To the outside world or even to me what is the proof that I have farted?

Is it the sound?

Is it the smell?

Because both do not comprehensively prove that gas from my ass has happened!!

Especially if someone else is also walking or jogging with me- it could be that he has farted, not me!

Some will say that the proof is the sound of farting but the sound can be a recorded sound that someone is playing via a stereo near my backside to fool others into thinking that I have passed gas!

This is where EVIDENCE comes in.

When a fart is made there is the sound and the smell but to make the EVIDENCE complete the one who makes the fart REMEMBERS the fact that he and not anyone else has exited gas from his own bum hole.

So it is important to REMEMBER.

So basically EVIDENCE is the memory of fart!

It’s simple really, with practice anyone can learn to get the EVIDENCE that they have farted. And not only fart but other things also!!!!

7.] EVIDENCE As A Definitive Guide To Validating Pregnancy

In our society there are both men and women.

Women are the ones that become pregnant. From outward appearances many women appear pregnant but what is the EVIDENCE that some women are indeed pregnant?

Some women just look fat and appear pregnant. People think they are pregnant but in reality they are not! They just look like that!

In some cases women show photos and ultrasound scans that they are pregnant but what is the EVIDENCE that the growing baby is a result of pregnancy?

For all you know that woman might have actually swallowed a baby by mistake and is now going around town telling people she is pregnant when the fact is she isn’t pregnant but has a baby stuck in her stomach because she swallowed that baby by mistake!

In cases of pregnancy therefore EVIDENCE has very important uses also!

8.] My Books – Educating The World About EVIDENCE

As an EVIDENCE lover it is but natural that I educate the world about EVIDENCE so I encourage everyone to buy my series of books on EVIDENCE available through Telebrands for all age groups and all kinds of people written in an easy to read format. Credit card payments are accepted and if you order now you’ll even get a FREE SLIM SAUNA BELT exclusively from Telebrands!

Some of the titles in my EVIDENCE book series include:

EVIDENCE Loving For Dummies

How To Be A Good EVIDENCE Lover

EVIDENCE Loving For The Common Man

EVIDENCE Loving For Kids

EVIDENCE Loving For Women

How To Use Dossiers As An Effective Tool To Gather EVIDENCE

101 Pathbreaking Stories On How EVIDENCE Changed My Life

And my personal favorite -

A Retrospective Analysis Of The History Of EVIDENCE In Our Lives – A Scientific Study. Foreword By Hafiz Saeed And Special Contributions From Dawood Ibrahim And Maulana Masood Azhar

9.] EVIDENCE as a bridge between India and Pakistan

After having explained all my theories about EVIDENCE I am sure that you must by now believe in EVIDENCE and its power just as I do.

I personally want to thank the Indian government for giving the Pakistani establishment such wonderful EVIDENCE about 26/11.I for one am truly privileged to have so many dossiers bearing EVIDENCE from India!

I am sure that as India gives us more EVIDENCE our friendship will only increase as all our problems can be solved by India giving us EVIDENCE and we Pakistanis building the world’s biggest library to be filled with all of the dossiers that India give us! All bearing wonderful EVIDENCE!

Because when it comes to India and Pakistan :

“ Its About Building Our Relationship And Becoming Friends By Exchanging EVIDENCE One Dossier At A Time”

“By Exchanging The DOSSIER We Can Become DOST YAAR!”

10.] In Closing

EVIDENCE loving is a vast field which cannot be covered in this letter alone! It would take many a lifetime to completely explain everything about EVIDENCE.

But through this guide I have made an earnest effort to educate one and all about EVIDENCE using incidents from my own life.

I hope that it comes in handy to all and also clear the air about why I ask for so much EVIDENCE from India when it comes to terror incidents like 26/11, etc and removes the misconception that Pakistan is only using the excuse that the lack of EVIDENCE is the reason why terrorist on our soil are not being punished.

It is necessary to know that EVIDENCE is much bigger than everything else in the world. Our society must strive to become a world that is built on the beauty of EVIDENCE.

Karan Johar has already announced to me that he plans to make EVIDENCE the central story in his next film ‘Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum Part 2 – Its All About Loving Your EVIDENCE’ .

I pray that the film is a big hit in both India and Pakistan.

Here’s wishing both our countries the best of luck and a new bond of love and friendship through a shared understanding and appreciation of EVIDENCE!!!

Rehman Malik


Any normal man after reading this epic blade would have gotten his Bheja Fried but ahem! I’m not normal .I’m awesome! And I inhabit the stock markets where I listen to BLADE on a daily basis.

So to deal with this Rehman Malik fellow I bought truckloads of CENTER FRESH CHEWING GUM and stuffed all of them down Rehman Malik’s throat because when it comes to dealing with blade nothing works better than CENTER FRESH CHEWING GUM.


Center Fresh = Blade Proof

Now That’s EVIDENCE!

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