The Legend Returns

For the past 4 months, I’ve been like a Tiger. Peering silently through the high grass, observing the wildlife as the different species have been going about their daily lives without a care in the world. The zebras have been running around, the gazelles have been sipping gently at the water pools. The hippos and the rhinos have been grazing. The giraffes have been plucking the leaves out of the tall trees .The vultures continue to scavenge. The whales munch on the plankton in the ocean. Dolphins play gently squeaking like chew toys and everyone else just carrying on unaware of what has been unleashed.

Shankar Sharma is back.

The bad brown bear of the stock markets long done serving his one year ban from SEBI has resurfaced .The cheeky fellow has started to make TV appearances putting on a new face, one of a reformed, changed man. Now the others might believe that Sharma is indeed a different guy, one who has changed for the better after his ban but I know Sharma better than anyone else and you can't teach an old bear new tricks.

Sharma can keep preaching till the cows come home and smile his dental package all he wants for the cameras, yapping his gums about the Indian Economy but I will never buy it.

Sharma and I are enemies, that’s a well known fact. Sharma thinks he is not only my enemy but also my arch nemesis. The anti thesis to everything I am. The anti matter to my matter. The negative to my positive. The Good Day Chocolate Chip Cookie to my Parle Hide and Seek. Heck, the Stardust to my Filmfare. What Sharma fails to understand is that while I consider him to be an enemy, I don't consider him to be my arch nemesis simply because the only one capable of beating ME is ME alone.

So Sharma can delude himself that he is my arch nemesis but in reality he can only muster enough to be an arch, like this one:

Hehehe!

For the sake of drama and fun I’ll even say Sharma is like the Joker and I am Batman not because Shankar is as evil as the Joker but because he is a clown and a joker.

Now that Sharma and his sidekick wife Devina Mehra aka Crazy Kung Fu Hair Lady (A Woman Whose Hair Makes That Thing On Sonu Nigam's Head Look Like The Taj Mahal )

are back to their devious ways it is but natural that my recent sabbatical too come to an end. For the past few months I’ve been taking a break, spending time with my family, My Mom, Wife, The J twins Aryaman and Aryavir and My little princess Nishtha!

I’ve been celebrating my darling wife Rekha's and My 25^th Wedding Anniversary.

Doing other things like watching my diabetes, expanding my philanthropic nature by doing kickass Nobel prize winning charity and spending time at my ultra mega super duper fantastic excellently excellent pinnacle of luxury posh Lonavala resdidence.

But now that Sharma is back, it is time for the guardian of Dalal Street and overall greatest person ever in the history of history, THE SEXY BEAST, THE GINORMOUS BULL, THE CRUSHER OF FOES, THE FOLDER OF TOES, THE RHYMER OF FOES WITH TOES, THE UNDISPUTED SEXIEST PERSON OF ALL TIME, THE GREATEST OF THE GREATS, THE KING OF KINGS, EMPEROR, RULER AND OVERALL F*CKIN GOD OF AWESOMENESS (I’M TALKING ABOUT ME) to also make his return from sabbatical.

THE LEGEND RETURNS

 

 

RR Patil - The Dark Knight Of Mumbai

Mumbai often worries me. Not everyone is as strong as me to protect themselves from bad people like terrorists. People are also not as rich as me to be able to afford security and bomb squad equipment and sniffer dogs and stuff like that.

After the recent blasts on the 13^th, people ask me more than ever to protect this city.

Being the Superhero that I am I can, but what is the need when the SINGLE BADDEST ASS KICKING POLITICIAN IN THE HISTORY OF GEOGRAPHY RR PATIL is around?!!!(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I mean this dude is so badass that he entered My Journal as Patil 3:16

Too many people have been disrespecting Patil but no one knows what it means to be RR PATIL: THE DARK KNIGHT OF MUMBAI.

When I see the PATIL BAT SIGNAL hovering in the skies I know that Mumbai is safe! 

If you still don’t believe me then take a look at this supremely edited video that so beautifully highlights the emotional, moving, charismatic story of Mumbai’s Brave Dark Knight – RR Patil. Anyone who is familiar with The Dark Knight films would understand the trials of this brave man. I salute you Mr.RR Patil!!! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

RR PATIL : HE’S NOT THE HOME MINISTER WE NEED BUT HE IS THE HOME MINISTER WE DESERVE  

It Was The Communists,They Got Rid Of The Nano

Now that the Nano has moved and will be delayed, some people are extremely distressed. Especially Batman who had approached Tata Motors to manufacture a Nano version of his Bat Mobile. The high cost of petrol had forced him to look for cheaper alternatives. Since he couldn’t persuade Amma and Behenji to wage a feminist war on his behalf against Didi, he took a drastic step: He Tried to Commit SUICIDE.

Batman has lost all his money since he had invested it with Lehman Brothers. He isn’t able to catch criminals with the same frequency as before because hard working law enforcement agencies like the NOIDA police catch them first. This has resulted in him losing his job. Now that he’ll have to pay more for petrol without the Nano he’ll be bankrupt. No wonder he tried to jump of a building and kill himself.

But I like to help people. I realized that Batman needs psychiatric help. So I managed to convince him not to jump and thus saved his life. I have also placed him under the care of the same doctor who is trying to help Andrew Symonds realize that 'if you have a monkey problem, don’t go fishing'. I am confident that Batman will recover.

But Symonds’ problem is far more complicated. As an Australian he uses the ineffective Australian method of fishing which leads him to catch as few fish as possible. Indians don’t fish like Australians which is why we never miss meetings on how to beat Bangladesh. The secret of our success is the use of FEVIKWIK to catch our fish while Australians do other things like drink beer and say ‘mate’.

People are surprised that the Nano is out of Bengal but I’m not. The Nano was always going to move from Bengal because a state run by the tribe of communists would never invest in cars.

Communists follow a very different investment strategy. While people like me invest in equity, the communists invest in weed and marijuana. The communists believe that there is a demand for this product especially with young Indians .Many of the communists had invested in the weed recovered from the recent busted rave party at Mumbai.

So when Ratan Tata had gone and asked Buddha for land to develop the Nano ‘PLANT’; the communists didn’t think it was for an automobile plant but rather this plant.

It was only when they realized that the ‘plant’ was for a car and not the weed that they decided to somehow get rid of the Tatas because after all they had to stick to their investment philosophy. Investing in weed is organic, not nuclear.

They pretended to support the Tatas for some time till they figured out some way to get rid of them and soon they roped in the services of Didi Mamata Banerjee who is a professional in creating problems. By outsourcing their riot related work they have saved a ton of money on relocating the Nano. Meanwhile Ratan Tata simply took the Nano and went to Gujarat.

But if the communists think they can use Singur to grow weed then they’re wrong. As someone who hates the communists I made sure that any and all weed grown would never ever be smoked. People are still wondering who put so much pressure on Anbumani Ramadoss to pass the No Smoking Ban.

And as for Didi now that Dada isn’t going to play cricket after sometime, maybe he’ll finally shut her up.