Saturday, February 28, 2009

Because Of Kasab :A POEM

When people lose their jobs,

The Americans call it a recession,

In India recession is caused by extremism.

Extremism leads to terrorism.

Terrorism leads to illegal immigration.

Illegal immigration caused Kasab to come to India.

Because of Kasab, India is in recession.

Because of Kasab this guy lost his job:

And this guy:

And this guy:

The recession causes job loss not only in India,

But also in places that are not India.

In Pakistan this guy lost his job because of Kasab:

And This guy

Many people hate Kasab but some people like him.

Because of Kasab,

This dude got a promotion:

At first he was doing FINANCE,

Now he is doing HOME,

The task of the HOME is to repair the Taj’s DOME.

Because of Kasab this dude also got a promotion:

First he was minding EXTERNAL AFFAIRS,

Now he is doing FINANCE,

One day he hopes to be the PM.

This of course depends,

Because if the sick PM,

Becomes a healthy PM,

Then the temporary PM cannot,

Be permanent PM.

The PM was fine,

He said “The nuclear deal is mine”,

“A few more months and once again the chair will be mine”.

But then Kasab came by boat:

Everybody got a headache,

But the PM developed heartache.

They put him in the hospital,

The PM got a heart BY- PASS,

Thanks to his by- pass Chidu and Pranab

Also got a free BY- PASS.

They said “Thank You Madamji”,

But the PM said “Don’t Thank Madamji”,

“It is because of Kasab that you have by- passed me”.

Now Kasab is in jail,

He would like to be out on bail.

In our country companies need the bailout

While the criminals also want the bailout.

If you are a company man then you might get a BAILOUT,

If you are a criminal then you might be OUT ON BAIL.

But if you are a politician like Pappu:

Then not only will you get money for bailout,

But also money for being OUT ON BAIL.

Kasab has to learn this,

He wished that the Lashkar,

Could teach him this.

Because of Kasab ,

The JUDGE has to read 11,000 pages,

Because his Charge Sheet contains 11,000 pages.

I am wondering if the trial will be over,

By the time the Judge finishes reading 11,000 pages,

Or will the Judge himself be over?

By the time he gets through 11,000 pages.

But thanks to Kasab,

And all those pages,

I have become richer,

Because I invested in paper.

Because of Kasab ,

The candle makers are happy,

Thanks to all the depression,

The sales have picked up even in the recession:

Now where Kasab is,

That’s where all the high security is,

If they had put that security at India's Gateway,

Then our country wouldn’t have to go through fate's terrible way.

Because of Kasab,

Mumbai burned,

This baby’s parents died:

My country cried,

And all I got in return was this stupid poem.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Chandrachur Singh : "I'm Disappointed that 'DAAG-THE FIRE' Was Not Nominated For An Oscar"

Now that the Oscars are FINALLY OVER I won’t have to hear the words ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ till the next time someone decides to do a film about a boy who encounters situations in his life that lead him to become a millionaire by answering questions on a game show hosted by Anil Kapoor.Oh yeah there’s a love story or whatever but being a legendary investor I was interested in the ‘millionaire’ part of the film.

But thanks to this exclusive article from The Jhunjhunwala Times, I have to listen to it all over AGAIN.


By a Staff Reporter,

The Jhunjhunwala Times,

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Chandrachur Singh – the man best known for having both his eyes occupying two different places in his eyeball sockets had this very interesting statement to make about the Oscar winning film ‘Slumdog Millionaire’; “It’s amazing I tell you, an Indian film produced by an Englishman winning an Oscar is amazing.”

“It shows how open and accommodating the American society has become. There were days when they used to run away from young boys shitting in public. Today they watch in admiration as young Indian boys empty their bowels.”

Though he added quite despairingly “See back when I was the #1 star in Bollywood, movies then were unfortunately not viewed in the same light.”

“Many of my superhit films were way too controversial and ahead of their times. That’s why they were never nominated for the Oscar otherwise India would have won the Oscar years ago.”

He added quite profoundly “For example in the case of ‘DAAG – THE FIRE’, a film that I acted in was such a profoundly insightful film that many Americans had to call scientists from NASA to understand what exactly was going on.”

“It was revolutionary in every sense of the word when we added a sub- textual note in ‘THE FIRE’. We could have simply left the film as ‘DAAG’ but we added the term ‘THE FIRE’. Many people criticized us for adding the term. The MNS, Shiv Sena and the Ram Sena burnt posters of our film. The Indian government was scared of sending the film to the Oscars fearing a backlash.”

“But today everyone adds subtexts to their titles. We started that”

“The Oscar awards academy in fact wrote an official letter to the Indian government requesting them not to send ‘DAAG-THE FIRE’ because of the negative impact it might have on youngsters. A study conducted then showed that eight out of every ten kids would in all probability actually think that the word ‘DAAG’ meant fire even though DAAG actually means stain.”

“See when that happened the detergent companies actually pressured the US academy to pressure the Indian government so that ‘DAAG-THE FIRE’ would not get nominated. Surf and Tide were really scared that people would burn the DAAG’s on their clothes with fire and not remove the DAAG with detergent.”

Hinting at how his own performance in the film never came to garner an academy award because of the controversy surrounding the film Chandrachur had this to say “My performance in DAAG is one of the greatest performances of all time. I had to perform despite the sheer shrill tone of Mahima Chowdhary’s voice and the distractions of Sanjay Dutt.”

He continued “It’s a monumental effort for me to even look at the camera because my eyes focus in different directions and that gives me a headache. However Slumdog’s win has more than made up for all of that.”

Finally he added quite sadly “I am still disappointed that the academy did not consider DAAG-THE FIRE for the Oscar.”

Saturday, February 21, 2009

On A Day Like Today

Since it’s a weekend, the markets are closed. I have to find ways to spend my time, on a random day of the weekend this is what my schedule looks like:

AM: 6:00: Get up, brush teeth.

7:00: Go and take a shit, invite Danny Boyle and the producers of Slumdog Millionaire to watch. Persuade them to make a movie on the same. Tell them that they can win the Oscar if they show me shitting instead of the little kid in Slumdog millionaire.

8:00: Read newspaper, eat breakfast. Check to see if Somnath Chatterjee is still alive after the previous day’s house proceedings. He might have died of a sudden heart attack after shouting at the shouting MP's.

9:00: Put on TV; wait for Pakistan to now say that 26/11 was hatched by Serena Williams and Venus Williams in order to ensure that Sania Mirza never ever wins a grand slam.

10:00: Find out which new portfolio of the government is being handled by Pranab Mukherjee. Be doubly sure that in the middle of all the cabinet portfolios he’s handling ,he doesn’t start to handle my stock portfolio.

11:00: Surf the net to check if the notorious Colton has put my new portfolio on his website.

12 noon: Call up Himalaya Publishing House Divisional Office and confirm if the new annual reports of the companies I invested in this past quarter are ready for distribution.

PM: 1:00: LUNCH

2:00: Fly by private jet to Ram Sena’s Mangalore office. Find out where Pramod Mutalik lives and steal the PINK CHADDIS that he and his men received on Valentines Day from his house.

3:00: Go to the head office of the women who sent Pramod Mutalik these chaddis and sell it to them.

4:00: Gloat at the fact that by selling pink chaddis to the women it belonged in the first place I made a profit. Call Mini-J and tell him to invest the profits in a new mutual fund called ‘PINK CHADDI FUND’.

5:00: Fly to Iraq and meet Muntazer Al Zeidi.Take advice on how to throw stuff at people.

6:00: Fly from there to the United States home of Nadia Sulaiman who gave birth to 8 children at once. Use Muntazer’s advice to throw a flying baby at her. Perform belly dance to put her in a hypnotic sleep and then perform surgery to remove her uterus. Leave pamphlet behind telling her that the earth is over-populated as it is so stop having all those babies, DAMN IT.

7:00: Return home and watch CNBC TV18.Get irritated by the sight of Udayan Mukherjee’s face. Make dartboard in the shape of Udayan’s face and throw darts at it.

8:00: Check Ganesha statue collection and order the new gold 56471qw Ganesha model from Telebrands catalogue.

8:30: DINNER

9:00: Discuss new ways to kill Shankar Sharma with my mutual fund buddies.

9:30: Talk to wife; serenade her with everything that I did the whole day till she goes to sleep out of boredom

10:00: Walk around expensive Il-Palazzo flat, yell at Vinod Khanna and check to see if he’s wearing the chicken suit I gave him.

11:00: Smoke new cigar set and calculate P/E ratios of the 568764598476 companies that I’ve invested in.

12:00: Go to sleep. Find new companies to invest in my dreams.

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