Sunday, November 14, 2010

National Corruption Institute Of India(NCII)

You’ve all heard of B-Schools. Yes the IIM and related armada of annually turned out Business School graduates who all end up working in companies which I have huge stakes in and yes the B-SCHOOL is also a distinct brand of business teaching that allows Professor Arindam Chaudhuri to dare aspiring B-Schoolers to think beyond the IIM’s and in return be rewarded with laptops (on a first come first serve basis)

The future of this country lies not in the B-School but rather in the C-SCHOOL where C stands for CORRUPTION. Apart from this Legendary Investor the next bunch of highest money makers are our politicians.

And politicians need to excel in the art and science of corruption to become successful politicians. Therefore I forecast a C-School boom much like the B-School boom so that aspiring politicians can learn the proper ways of corruption.

But no matter how many C-schools come up, none will ever match the class and academic scholarship of the World’s Best C-School: THE NATIONAL CORRUPTION INSTITUTE OF INDIA or The NCII.

Our most prestigious politicians like Shibu Soren, Sharad Pawar, Mulayam Singh, Vilasrao Deshmukh, The Reddy Brothers, Madhu Koda, Mayawati and more recently Ashok Chavan, A.Raja and Suresh Kalmadi have passed out with distinguished honors from the hallowed grounds of the NCII.

If you too want to become a successful politician then you must join the NCII.The WORLD’S GREATEST C-SCHOOL! Just check out their new advertisement for aspiring C-School applicants:

National Corruption Institute Of India (NCII) Affiliated To Indian Parliament

Listed on the World Corruption Index as the World’s Best C-School

Invites Applications for 3 Years Undergraduate Bachelors Degree in Corruption (BC).

Earn your BC from the World’s Most Reputed Institute for Corruption Studies


Financial Theory and Practice

  • Transfer of funds through HAWALA for creation of MASS GHOTALA
  • FINANCIAL NETWORKING -Movement of money through well engineered networks between State Party Units and Central Party Unit.
  • Solicitation methods to increase donations towards Party Fund.
  • Theory and application of Popular BRIBE concepts and ­methods like ‘Chai Pani’, ‘Parcel’, ‘Change’, ‘Gift Box’ , ‘Color TV’, ‘Foreign Trip’ and the ever popular ‘Children’s School Fees’
Public Relations (PR) and Media Management
  • Learn how to be MISQUOTED BY THE MEDIA.
  • Learn to say the right things to be QUOTED OUT OF CONTEXT.
  • Excellent training in PARTY SPOKESMANOLOGY .Learn how to argue on TV with other Party people on TV like Professor Manish Tewari and Professor Ravi Shankar Prasad.
  • Develop public gestures like NAMASTE and HAND WAVING.
  • Learn the art of proving all allegations as “BASELESS AND POLITICALLY MOTIVATED”
  • Effectively refute STING OPERATIONS. Advanced course in proving that VIDEO FOOTAGE IS FALSE AND MANIPULATED.
Law and Order Module:

In this module you will learn how to:
  • Commit MURDER and RAPE
  • Bring LOCAL POLICE under your control
  • Get BAIL super fast if you are ever arrested.
  • Apply and get speedy ANTICIPATORY BAIL so you don’t get arrested in the first place!
  • FIGHT ELECTIONS FROM JAIL! Special lectures in this chapter by visiting Professors Shahbuddin and Pappu Yadav!

Advanced Riotology
  • Methods to build your own storage houses for HOCKEY STICKS AND WEAPONS to engineer riots.
  • Identify and develop your own fuel depots for easy and widespread dispersal of RIOT FRIENDLY PETROL TANKERS
  • Form effective partnerships with local liquor stores for easy procurement of ‘DESI DARU’ to get rioters high and ensure awesome rioting!
  • Full study in CONTEMPORARY BUS BURNING. New age exciting methods for INSTANTANEOUS BUS COMBUSTION.
  • Introductory Kashmir method of inciting riots through STONE THROWING.
  • Actual rioting demonstrations under the expert tutelage of Professor Pravin Togadia.
Gain Extensive Knowledge From Our Faculty Of World Class Professors . Special Courses In:
  • ‘2G SPECTRUM – A Telecommunications Perspective’ By Professor Andimuthu Raja
  • ‘Flat Taking From Army Jawan’ By Professor Ashok Chavan
  • The Correct Standard of Clean’ By Professor Lalit Bhanot
  • ‘Sports Medal or No Medal, In Corruption Always Get Gold Medal’ By Professor Suresh Kalmadi
  • ‘Application of Corruption on Non Human Species – Stealing Money for Cattle Fodder’ By Professor Laloo Prasad Yadav
  • ‘Building A Corridor For The Taj Mahal Can Cost More Money That Building The Taj Mahal Itself’ By Professor Mayawati Kumari.
And Many Many More!!




Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The World’s Kindest Person

Ever since I can remember I have been The World’s Kindest Person.

My heart is filled with so much goodness, grace and benevolence that appreciation for all life simply pours forth from this ridiculously good looking body.

I have turned down the Nobel Peace Prize an incredible 78 times simply because I don’t want the unnecessary attention for being such an exemplary example of a fantastic, kind, generous being ever ready to help my fellow human.

I am the most humble person in history. Every single person who has read My Secret Journal knows for a fact that I never make a big deal about my phenomenal achievements .They know that I always keep a low profile.

See I’m Not an Attention Seeker; I’m An Attention Getter. It’s A Side Effect of Greatness.

Recently I was approached by eBay the website and ET NOW the business channel for a charity lunch auction wherein the highest bidder would be privileged with the distinguishingly epic gargantuan once in an epoch path breaking generation changing life altering phenomenal eureka moment of deliverance in being able to dine at lunch with ME.

Yes, ME.

I am the World’s Greatest Investor but I am also the World’s Greatest Eater. In fact when ET NOW first approached me I misheard the name as EAT NOW.

The winning bid was an astonishing never ever before even heard of 14.2 lakh rupees (local taxes and VAT extra)

You will in time see me dining in the charity lunch on ET/EAT NOW

The stock broker who made the winning bid is a guy from Gujarat named Anirudh Sethi and he is right now in a coma. A coma he fell into unable to believe that his amount had indeed earned him the privilege, the exhilarating experience of dining with MY GREATNESS. The doctors have informed me that he will recover in time for the lunch.

Now, when he comes down to Mumbai I could treat him to a wonderful lunch anywhere right from the Taj to the Street Chats at Chowpatty.

I can order the new and improved Kitchen King from Telebrands which prepares everything in under 15 minutes and treat him to a wonderful array of tasty dishes prepared on the Kitchen King by my expert entourage of expert chefs!

Heck, I can even offer the guy sawdust with water melon seeds and he would just bawl over it. His salivary glands will work overtime in processing the fine ground powder and his brain will project an illusion of the most awesome meal he has ever had simply because the one with whom he dines with is me.

Yes, ME.

All of this money will go towards a charity based in Bangalore because like I already said: I am the kindest greatest man ever with a heart of compassion. I mean I’m not just great looking and incredibly super rich; I have a heart of gold. I can literally replace my cardiac muscle with an actual heart of gold.

The charity lunch will occur and By God it will be the greatest charity lunch of all time.

And with Diwali coming up I am gonna burst crackers …..right.

One must always appreciate Diwali and never ever give up the opportunity to make as much noise as possible, eat as many sweets and savories as possible , attend as many business channel Samvat shows as possible, WEAR as many new clothes as possible, spend time with The J Twins,Nishtha,Rekha And Mom.

Overall just put the biggest DHAMAKA ever on this festive season the likes of which the world has never seen before.

I Am Off To Celebrate Diwali.

Dear Readers, Here’s Wishing You All A Great, Happy and Wonderful Diwali. May This Festive Season bring you and Your Family Loads of Happiness and Prosperity.


That's what I'm gonna do.


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