Thursday, March 26, 2009

I Pee L

The country is in shock. The much hyped I PEE L or Indian Pissing League will now be held in South Africa. As a concerned Indian I decided to delegate the task of finding out what other people think about this move.

I have published my findings found out by Mini-J in the international daily The Jhunjhunwala Times, a paper based on the pillars of bold journalism, loud shouting and credibility as learnt from the Pigeon Head Barkha Dutt.



Employee of the Week, Rare Enterprises and Part Time Pigeon Head Journalist.

March 26, 2009.

With the shocking movement of the I Pee L better known as the Indian Pissing League to South Africa, the level of sadness and anger in the country has reached a new low. As a paper we say new low every time there’s a new low. But this low is even lower than the old new lows, making this low the newest and lowest new low.

To get a pulse of the nation. This brave correspondent braved the call of nature to ask people what they actually thought of the I Pee L moving to South Africa.

Lalit Modi, Chairman, I Pee L: “Indians have nothing to be worried about. The pissing facilities in South Africa are just as good if not better than pissing facilities in India. Everyone watching on TV will be 100% entertained.”

Narendra Modi, Chief Minister, Gujarat: “The Congress government wants to ruin India by moving away our favorite pastime of pissing to another country. We will definitely make this an election issue.

After all the Congress is anti-pissing,their symbol is the HAND and if you piss on your hand you have to wash it but my party’s symbol is the LOTUS which one cannot piss on because it’s a holy flower.”

Sourav Ganguly, 1/4th captain of the Kolkata Knight Pissers: “It’s a conspiracy to undermine my leadership. John Buchanan thinks that Australian piss is better than Indian piss. He wants to remove me as captain for stupid reasons.

So what if I’m 37 years old? I can piss much better than the younger Knight Pissers.My bladder has more experience in pissing.Doesn’t that count for something?"

“This is what happens when a dude who is full of shit buys a pissing team.”

Fake Doctor Vijay Mallya, Owner, Bangalore Royal Challenging Pissers: “Who the fu@$ is going to translate my team’s theme song ‘Royal Challengers Ka Piss Hain’ into the South African Zulu language?

I just paid 160,000 dollars for Jesse Ryder to join my team.Now all the alcohol I feed him will never get a chance to turn into piss in India.”

Ashwani Gujral, Inferior Stock Trader and analyst on CNBC-TV18: “I would advise investors to invest in companies that make protective piss gear for the short term. The I Pee L being held in South Africa will be affected by the weather patterns.

In India the piss doesn’t splatter because the wind conditions are favorable to piss but in a windy place like South Africa the piss will splatter and thus players and umpires will wear piss protective gear. My Technical Analysis indicates that there will be an increase in short term demand for piss protection gear. So it is good to invest in companies making the same.”

The Common Man: “I cannot afford to go to South Africa and I don’t want to go there even if I had the money. The I Pee L should always be held in India because my lungs have become used to the smell of piss. If I watch the I Pee L in South Africa ,my lungs will become infected with the smell of pure air. I am not used to the alien smell of pure air.I will fall sick because of all the clean air.”

Manjit Singh, Chairman, Set Max: “All fears are unwarranted; in fact my channel paid more for the I Pee L rights to the Board of Control for Pissing in India because we think the event will be a big hit. Like our ads say:

“Have You Ever Seen One Billion People And One Elephant All Pissing At The Same Time?”

(The above article was written in collaboration with the Indian Association for Auto Urine Therapy)

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Welcome To RAMayan

The Recession is affecting sentiments even in heaven. The Gods and Angels have implemented cost cutting measures.

One God in particular is very sad. He is the most frustrated God in all of heaven. The recession has only worsened his mood.

Allah is unhappy that the Mujahideens use his name to kill civilians.

Jesus Christ is chilling out after the crucifixion but has to deal with the 16th Benedict who doesn’t like condoms.

But handling India is difficult for one God alone. That’s why in Hinduism we have more than Thirty Million Gods. I worship God Ganesha, our body structures are similar.

But the unhappiest of them all is God RAM.

God RAM is up in heaven saying “Bas Mein Hi Mila Hoon Kya?”

Just think about the enormous pressure God RAM is under.

L.K Advani uses the name of God RAM and does free Rath Yatra.

His friends want to build a RAM temple.

The Congress wants to build over the RAM Sethu. The poet Kamban wrote to me issuing a clarification about Lord RAMA’s bridge.

And now Varun Gandhi is saying JAI SHRI RAM’ and getting caught with the Election Commission.

The Election Commission is headed by a man who is An Iyengar.He wears a red line to tell the world that he worships God RAM.

He is currently fighting with his number two who also worships God RAM.

One God, so many problems, no wonder the good Lord RAM is suffering from High Blood Pressure.

Varun Gandhi is busy telling the Election Commission that the CD was doctored.

I don’t like Varun Gandhi because his doctored CD was made using CD’s of the company Moser Baer.

Moser Baer is a horrible company. It is run by the bear cartel hence the name Moser BAER (B E A R).

But only Varun Gandhi can help out God RAM because the man who doctored Varun’s CD is also a doctor.

He appears on television and in the paper. His name is Doctor Batra.A man/doctor best known for providing mass loss pills and hair growth pills.

The Lord RAM needs the help of the Homeopath to keep his BP low so that the Psychopaths don’t spoil his name.

God RAM can also try Yoga under the guidance of one Baba RAM Dev.Baba RAM Dev can jog in one place for many hours. He was at the BSE a few days ago and taught me also to jog in one place for many hours.

Through the practice of Yoga God RAM can control his Blood Pressure and lead a healthy life.

That is until the next time someone says ‘Jai Shri RAM.

Together Doctor Batra and Baba RAM Dev will help God RAM to get back on his feet.

If God RAM gets too harassed he can always sue Varun Gandhi for copyright infringement.RAM Jethmalani will easily agree to represent him in court.

The God’s life story is inspirational. If he wants he can get a movie made on his life by RAM Gopal Varma.

There is only one God RAM but there are also many RAM’s.

Who to Trust? All So Confusing! As Amitabh Bachchan Says: “Aii”

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Notorious Colton Strikes Back,But Thirushkamini Is......Coming

Cricket is a game but people call it a sport.

When men play cricket, it is called IPL.

When women play cricket it is called “Women’s Empowerment”, “Gender Equality” and mentioned in India’s Five Year Plan under the chapter “Steps the Government Has Taken To Promote Women’s Sport in India”.

Ten people watch whenever the women’s cricket team plays cricket. I am one of those ten and I am currently watching the Indian women’s cricket team playing in the Women’s World Cup in Australia.

I am a huge fan of one woman cricketer; her name is Murugesan Dickeshwashankar Thirushkamini.

Thirushkamini is a batswoman more destructive than Virender Sehwag and Sanath Jayasuriya combined because her talent is to combine the time occupancy rate of one Rahul Dravid and the strike rate of one jumping sardarji named Monty Panesar.

Forbes Magazine has committed the cardinal sin of omitting my name from this year’s list of Billionaires.

When I learnt of this I immediately wrote to Forbes Magazine and informed them that I am still a billionaire. I know that I’m a billionaire because I have scientifically verified that I am a billionaire.

My process of scientific verification is compliant with all international standards and has won many international awards in the fields of ‘Processes Used To Scientifically Verify If Rakesh Jhunjhunwala Is A Billionaire Or Not’.

This system of billionaire verification involves the patented system of COUNTING.

Every weekend I go to my vault and count the number of 1 Dollar coins that I have. My latest count which was on the day of the release of the Forbes Billionaire list has revealed my Dollar count at exactly 1.1 Billion.

This means that I have exactly 1.1 billion coins of denomination 1 American Dollar.

Therefore it proves that I’m a billionaire.

But the shitheads at Forbes replied to my letter saying that they choose to verify billionaires using a system which does not involve counting. They prefer to verify if I am a billionaire or not by looking at websites created by the man who seems to have no other job in life than to track down the value of my portfolio: The Notorious Colton.

After stealing my portfolio, Colton has now dedicated his life to making sure that I never make it to Forbes' list of billionaires ever again. He has posted fraudulent and blatantly misleading details which has led Forbes magazine to believe that the value of my portfolio is down therefore I am no longer a billionaire.

It’s a conspiracy I tell you, Colton and Forbes have decided to make sure that I’m not a billionaire even though I am. My 1.1 billion coins of denomination 1 American Dollar prove it.

SEBI has also told me that their brand ambassador being insulted like this is a national insult and that they have decided to have the matter investigated by a senior Supreme Court Judge.

But SEBI also told me that the Supreme Court Judge has to be appointed by March 31st.

Unluckily for me all Supreme Court judges are extremely busy hearing cases of candidates with criminal records and deciding if they are fit to stand for election or not.

Not to be outdone I decided that if a Supreme Court Judge from India couldn’t investigate the case it might as well be a judge from somewhere else like Pakistan.

It’s because of my efforts that Iftekhar Choudhury from Pakistan has been reinstated and Nawaz Sharif’s LONG MARCH has been cancelled.

Nawaz is hand in hand with Colton and wanted to increase the number of days in the month of March from 31 to 45 thus making it a LOOOOOOOOONG MARCH.

By doing this he’d be able to make sure that I wouldn’t be able to get a Judge to investigate my omission from Forbes’ billionaire list.

But thanks to my pressure on Zardari which I exerted by going to Pakistan and sitting on him until he agreed to reinstate Choudhury ,has made sure that in a matter of time my name will reappear on Forbes’ billionaire list.

As for Colton he’d better be careful because not only is Tops Group Security after him but also the newest member of Rare Enterprises, The Sexy Femme Fatale: Thirushkamini.

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