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Saturday, December 29, 2012

A Quick, Self-Help Anti Rape Guide



I wanted to write something on rape and the death of the 23 year old in Delhi but then enough has already been written.

The writers,columnists,bloggers,etc have all described in short and tall everything from the brutality of the incident to cursing the police and the politicians to basically How they feel – Sad,Angry,Hurt,etc.

This is what the reactions look like to me :

Man on the street –“Do this,do that”


Police – “We are already doing this and that”


Politicians – “We feel very sad this has happened.We will ensure that the girl gets Justice”


TV Guys – “Who will save this country?Yeh kya ho raha hai?!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


So called practical person – “What is the point of all this noise? Nothing will happen anyway.We will forget soon”

Whatever .

Instead of adding to this Diaspora of justified reactions, I thought I’ll list out a few details which can hopefully help our People and the women in our life to be safer, even its just a little bit.

We can’t depend on the cops to protect us. They’re too busy protecting others *WINK*WINK*. So here’s a quick guide I’ve compiled .Please let the womenfolk in your life know about this.

1.] This is a list of websites from where you can buy Pepper Sprays in India online and at an affordable rate  :

 
2.]These are videos which guide you on how to attack the most effective body parts and get immediate results in case of an attack .Each video is not longer than 3-4 minutes.



3.]This is a list of phone numbers of helplines(Violence and Suicide) and NGO’s in different cities for counseling and rehabilitation gathered via crowdsourcing.


4.] This is a smartphone Android app called Sentinel developed by an Indian Company for Personal Security.Useful for men and women alike - http://sentinel.mindhelix.com/

5.] The Justice Verma Panel has started work on changing the Indian Anti-Rape laws.If you have suggestions and views please feel free to email the Judge at justice.verma@nic.in or via FAX on 011-23092675.(This is now closed)

This list will be updated periodically.Do leave your suggestions and any useful info in the comments thread.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Facebook Operation X

We have the greatest most awesome Home Ministry ever! Everyone is praising the Home Minister for executing Kasab.It was a very difficult decision for President Pranab to sign the file of a convicted terrorist and murderer.He's awesome.

Anyone can fly a plane into another country a million miles away ,stay undetected,kill Bin Laden,Gather intelligence,Take the body,bury it at sea and escape even before the Authorities know whats going on.Screw the Americans!We are a great country because we showed immense strength and courage in moving a jailed prisoner from Point 'A' to Point 'B' and then had him hung.

Check out  Facebook Operation X:


Sunday, October 21, 2012

Robert Vadra's 'I Want Horse!'



This following conversation occurred this past week :

Digvijay Singh: Hello All! We are gathered here today to discuss important things. Let us begin!
Robert Vadra: I WANT HORSE!

Digvijay: Err…Ladies and Gentleman we must do something about this Arvind Kejriwal.He is exposing all of us one by one.
Gadkari: I KNOW ! Look what he did. He exposed me!This is what happens when people google ‘Kejriwal Exposes Gadkari’

  
Khurshid: Dude that is disgusting!
Gadkari: YOU SHUT UP YOU SECULAR DIPSHIT! My bank account is well irrigated you asshole! I don’t need to go after the blind people like you!
Khurshid: SUCK MY BALLS YOU COMMUNAL DOG! I WILL SPILL YOUR BLOOD!
Vadra: I WANT HORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A.Raja: Arre yaar! Why you people doing the tension? Look at me.2G Scam made me 1, 53,000 crores.I only spent 2 years in jail. Now I am out on bail partying in DMK Constituencies like Madurai!
Sharad Pawar: WE MUST UNITE! WE MUST Unite against Kejriwal before he exposes us all. Let us expose him instead. He has become a problem. We must do something!
Kalmadi: But what can we do? As it is they are not allowing me to continue my good work by recontesting Indian Olympic Association elections! All my CWG work will go down the drain now.
VADRA: I WANT HORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
DIGVIJAY: What we must do is Unite against Kejriwal.Kejriwal is an insect in our plans. He is a bloody fly. Flying around and infecting the minds of the people. He spreads lies and calls it the truth. This shitty fly and his maggots have started an India Against Corruption.
They are even making a film on this dangerous Makkhi.



Pawar: I agree. As the most expert corruptician I think we must unite against India against Corruption.Kejriwal is from India against corruption and we are against India against Corruption. Therefore from now on we are Indians Against India Against Corruption. It is decided.

GADKARI:AGREED!
VADRA: I WANT HORSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Digvijay: YOU STUPID BASTARD! FROM THAT TIME YOU ARE SCREAMING YOU WANT A HORSE.WHY THE FU#K DO YOU WANT A HORSE YOU 0% BASTARD?!!
VADRA: BECAUSE I WANT TO DO THIS! 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Will Someday Please Explain What This Stupid Song Is Supposed To Mean?

 
Ever since I met Fake Jhunjhunwala (who I plan to have executed) 4 months ago, I have consistently dedicated my efforts to realizing the meaning of the world’s greatest conundrum. My superior intelligence has been confounded by just one thing and one thing only in the last few months. It has occupied me day and night. Night and day. Afternoon also.

This is the reason I have been absent .I have been marooned on an island of my own thoughts trying to decipher this puzzle. Every possible crack team of intelligence personnel ,RAW,CIA,FBI ,CBI and ACP Pradyuman’s CID have been pressed into solving this fundamental question :

 WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DOES ISHQ WALA LOVE MEAN?

SOMEBODY TELL ME! 

I Have seen this song on TV from the film ‘Student of the Year’ and it has frazzled my mind ever since.

I know that ISHQ means LOVE [ʻIshq (Arabic: عشق‎; in Persian: eshgh; in Urdu: ishq; in Dari: eshq; in Pashto: eshq; in Turkish: aşk and in Azerbaijani: eşq), means love]

I also know that LOVE means LOVE

I know that Wala is a suffix as in  JHUNJHUNWALA.

 

So ISHQ WALA LOVE should mean LOVE WALA LOVE.


EH?!

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?WHAT IS A LOVE WALA LOVE?

SOMEBODY TELL ME!


I am asking the director of this film Mr.Karan Johar what the bloody hell is ISHQ aka Love being used for in a song title already having the word  LOVE? 

I even saw a young person writing the name of this song as ISHQ WALA LUV.I have immediately directed all my marketing companies to attract the youth market by changing the spelling of LOVE to LUV.

But I still fail to understand what Ishq meaning love means in Ishq wala love or love wala love.Just thinking about this gives my sexy head a headache!Grrrrr

Does this mean that from now on we shall see songs like :

MONKEY WALA BANDAR

KUTTA WALA DOG

AURAT WALA WOMAN

BHOOT WALA GHOST

JHUNJHUN WALA JHUNJHUNWALA


SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY THE FIRST WORD AND THE LAST WORD MEANING THE SAME THING IN TWO DIFFERENT LANGUAGES ARE BEING USED TO MAKE NO BLOODY SENSE!

If this is a film about students then I am very very shocked. I am worried about our education system.I plan to write a letter to our HRD Minister The Hon-Her-able KAPIL SIBAL and seek a proper explanation though I am sure Sibal will tell me that Ishq and Love both have zero loss.

 

ONE OTHER Question.In a song about LOVE in a film about Students WHY ARE THE PEOPLE  DANCING IN FRONT OF A BURNING TREE?

SOMEBODY TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You people relax and please watch a movie which has songs which have meaningful titles. This is a film not called Angrez wala English and it is produced by an awesome- super- duper- mega- super- fantastic –mega- guy. It’s called ENGLISH VINGLISH.


Sunday, June 10, 2012

Man sues Rakesh Jhunjhunwala For Being Too Awesome




Indore: 32 year old Shyam Gupta,a resident of Indore today sued famed Megastar Legendary Investor, Rakesh Jhunjhunwala for being too awesome.

Sri Sri Sri Dr. Dr. Dr Jhunjhunwala who is known to be awesome and humble was surprised to see the summons from Indore High Court but declined to comment instead deciding to "Beat the living shit out of Mr. Gupta” the next time he sees him. Gupta as we now hear has applied for Z category protection.

Legendary Investor Rakesh Jhunjhunwala seen here doing

awesomeness based hand signs in this photo

 
 

Well known Lawyer and Legal Expert Ram Jethmalani who is representing Gupta told reporters "Mr. Jhunjhunwala is simply too awesome. His level of awesomeness is simply not permitted on our planet.He is committing an illegal act by being too AWESOME. We therefore request the government to ban him and all his awesomeness. I mean it is affecting normal people like you and me. Now everyone wants to be awesome like Mr.Jhunjhunwala but arrey! How it can happen like that?"


Environment research nut Sunita Narain said in connection to the issue “Rakesh Jhunjhunwala has been radiating way more than permitted levels of awesomeness. Our awesomeness measuring devices or awesome-o-meters are all breaking due to his awesomeness overloading our systems!Therefore the government must tell the Executive to tell the CBI to tell the Intelligence Bureau to tell the State Police to tell Mr.Jhunjhunwala to reduce his awesomeness or else the Earth will spin off its axis due to a steep increase in the Awesomeness Average Index or the AAI.”


Responding on behalf of Jhunjhunwala,Rare Enterprises employee Niraj Dalal said "This is all bogus nonsense. We here at Rare just monitored Rakesh Sir's awesomeness last week and it is perfectly within acceptable levels. Rakesh sir is so awesome that even though he produces extra awesomeness he stores it in a humongous godown above Pizzeria restaurant."

Asked if this could all be an insider conspiracy by someone at Rare, Niraj commented "It is entirely possible someone here at Rare like Rajiv Agarwal who has the World's scariest haircut is encouraging people like Gupta to file faltoo cases against Rakesh sir"


Rajiv Agarwal or Mini-J was unable for comment.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

When I met Fake Jhunjhunwala

Grrrrr......

I hate you Fake Jhunjhunwala! I really do!!!

 Rakesh Jhunjhunwala and Aditya Magal

I think I have to buy The Economic Times Now. Read more here.

P.S : I AM AWESOME

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

IPL 2012 - You Can't Expect Anything Else


 
As I stare out into the vast Arabian Sea from my 15th floor Nariman point Headquarters, the sea wind recycled through the air conditioner humming gently into my ears, a cigar between my lips and a glass of the finest scotch ever made cusped in my hand, I wonder about the events of the past two months.
A year ago I was outside the Wankhede Stadium on the 2nd of April when the Cricket World Cup came home, partying like crazy, jubilant over a World Cup victory which had arrived after 28 years.

A little over 365 days and things have changed deteriorated.

It’s not the losses to England and Australia that bother me. It is not the impending fact that God is reaching the end of his career line.It’s not the fact that The Wall is now retired.

It’s this.




This cancerous life sucking lump which has grown into the sport that I love. Of course when you have an IPL tournament run by Charlie Chaplin YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE.

" I have Face Coloration Disease.This means while the rest of my self is black and white my face is always colored"~ Rajiv Shukla Charlie Chaplin

Chaplin spends more time being the Minister Of State For BCCI Affairs and less time being the Minister Of State for Parliamentary Affairs but then you already knew that. You really cant expect anything else when his boss is the Hon- Her- Able Sharad Pawar, Union Minister Of Food And Agriculture. In a country where a farmer kills himself every 12 hours, the boss' priorities are so screwed up YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE from his subordinates.

And then you have this guy. Mr. Conflict of interest. Owns an IPL team and is BCCI President. Of course if the rules are against this hum iss desh mein rule hi badal dete hain. YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE.


Chalo theek hai,we hoped maybe they'd at least do a good job holding a great tournament.

Err....

When you have the opening ceremony on a Filmfare Awards stage you know where this is heading. YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE.


You have these two yakking away in the exxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxtraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa(aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) innings studio.

 

 Congrats to the channel,they have made the analysis of the match longer than the match itself. YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE.

You get down to the match and the same tamasha restarts.Karbonn Kamal My Ass This,DLF Maximum Super Ch*Tiya That,Volkswagen DK Bose Something ,Strategic Timeout, Etc. Get bored with this crap and they unleash Abhishek Bachchan in the afterlife on you while Vodafone is busy playing games with human beings ....literally. When the priority is to make money YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE.



More than the on-field, the off field gets attention. Pomersbach is acting like Shakti Kapoor. Siddarth Mallya is busy defending him the way Ram Jethmalani defends ....errr....just about anyone.Case Open ---> Money Spent----> Case Closed---> YOU CAN'T EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE


Rahul can't turn the ball on the field but is busy turning bottles at rave parties along with Wayne. When the glamour becomes more important than the game YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE.


Then there's this guy. Wankhede ka baap. 

 

On Sunday he won the IPL. Not  KKR. Not the Knightriders Squad,Physios, Coaches, Managers or even the city of Kolkata which is supposed to own the team. They can't win because it’s not their team. It’s his team so congratulations to him on winning the IPL trophy. The cameras lead me to believe that SRK played better in IPL 5 than KKR Captain Gautam Gambhir. Afterall the cameras can't find anyone apart from SRK to focus on after the match because his innings in the IPL final was just so very crucial.


This is Roman Abramovich. Owner of Chelsea Football Club.

 
A few days back Chelsea won the UEFA Champions League. A tournament a hundred times bigger than the IPL. Roman made sure the cameras focused on the ones who won the title -  the players. Not himself.
 
To top it all guys were spot fixing. Enough said .When you auction players like paintings YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE.

 

You'd expect the BCCI to sort things out but you seriously can't expect anything else. They can arrange for live streaming of IPL on the internet but they can't find a website to put their own accounts on. YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE.


 

Well, don’t worry folks. They'll be back next year,same time,same place .YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE. 

ONE QUESTION - IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS WHERE EXACTLY WAS THE CRICKET?        
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