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Sunday, March 7, 2010

INDIA’S Top 10 Greatest Assholes : An India Today Exclusive

I’ve been busy, busy as a bee being myself buzz, buzz but I'm not a bee, I’m a Bull so gore, gore.

Everyone is surprised that I did not make an appearance on Budget day to tell the world what I thought about the Hon-Her-Able Pranab Mukherjee’s Budget.
The reason is very simple, I was approached an endless amount of times by TV channels to do interviews about the budget but I ‘politely declined’ citing ‘date problems’ and ‘a busy schedule’.
Still despite being so damn busy, I managed to catch up on the latest issue of India Today Magazine.
What a wonderful article on India’s Top 10 Assholes!

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We here at India Today pride ourselves on recognizing India’s best. Whether it be our best B-Schools, Best Colleges, Best Cities or even Best Sportspeople.

We thought why not apply this idea to India’s Best Assholes also!

So we conducted a survey in association with AC Nielsen Media Research and The Indian Council For Social Welfare to determine India’s Best And Most Well Respected Most Popular Assholes.


The survey was held from 5th January to 21st February this year across 37 metros ,12
546 cities and 456,876 villages.

Undoubtedly, such an extensive survey to determine India’s best assholes has never been undertaken. This is indeed the most comprehensive survey to unearth the well hidden and quintessential profoundly Indian asshole (no pun intended), yet another pioneering effort from India Today!

The methodology is based on a ranking system, each asshole is determined on the A-SCORE™© or Asshole Score .The whole asshole score is a compilation of individual hole scores consisting of the survey results, an independent governmental committee recommendation report from the Ministry Of Human Resources and an evaluation by a jury of peers and other well respected assholes.

Please note, we didn’t include assholes from other countries who have an influence on India. For this reason assholes like Hafiz Saaed, Dawood Ibrahim and others were not considered.

This is the nation’s tribute to the best ASSHOLES chosen from a diverse array of fields Politics, Sport, Entertainment ,Music, The Arts ,Television and many many more.

So without further ado, India Today in association with AC Nielsen and The Indian Council For Social Welfare present India’s best ASSHOLES.A tribute and a small way to appreciate those among us who are so full of shit that they remind us everyday of what it means to be that uniquely Indian asshole.

Happy Reading!







#10
Name: Raghu Ram
Full Name: Raghu Ramalingam
Occupation: Executive Producer, Mtv India
Asshole Since: 1976
A – Score: 6.9/10

Bio : With a surname as intimidating as ‘Ramalingam’ ,Raghu realized pretty early in life that if he wanted to be an asshole he had to shorten it to Ram. Yeah! That’s how tough he is.
Given to constant bouts of hysteria, manic depression and bi-polar syndrome with a severe case of schizophrenia .This mental patient should have been fastened to his bed in a mental asylum since he was diagnosed with a severe ‘penis fixation’ while still a boy.
Instead Mtv decided to do the next best possible thing:
Put Him On TV.
Since then there’s been no looking back for this mentally unstable lunatic with a dick infatuation. Seen regularly on the Mtv show Roadies, he immerses himself completely into being an asshole constantly throwing temper tantrums, hissy fits, blaring his lungs screaming at young, vulnerable and hormonally imbalanced teenagers.
Though he would never actually stand a chance in hell against someone like Rakesh Jhunjhunwala who’d simply chew him up and spit him out, turn him into garbage, shoveling the compost of his dead carcass which would then be used as crop fertilizer as he’d play the Tabla on the big, shiny, round reflective bald head of Raghu Ram.
This young asshole has a long way to go before he becomes a bigger, larger and more widespread asshole but we applaud him for his efforts and entertainment. Well done Raghu and keep going, you’re the 10th most popular asshole in India!
What an asshole!!


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#9
Name: Narayan Dutt Tiwari

Asshole Since: 1925

Occupation: Former Go
vernor of Andhra Pradesh
A-Score: 7.5/10



Bio: This veteran, vintage asshole makes Tiger Woods seem like a Tiger cub. Largely f
orgotten, Tiwari stormed his way into the headlines when he was shown fornicating with well endowed busty females as he simultaneously balanced state issues with wet tissues!
Telengana on one hand and Aradhana +Sunaina on the other.
Andhra by day and Viagra by night.
Governor in the daytime, Governess(es) by the night time.
Listening to Madamji on this side and hitting a G Spot on that side is all in a day’s work for this flesh and blood symbol of manliness .Soon to endorse Musli Power Extra and Durex Condoms we wish this old timer the best of luck.
What an asshole!!





#8
Name : Madhu Koda
Asshole Since: 1971
Occupation: Politician, Former Chief Minister of Jharkhand
A-Score: 8 /10
Bio: Described already as India’s most energetic, young, vibrant and dynamic money launderer, Madhu Koda is also an expert asshole. Yet to run out of shit, if you’ve got 4000 Crores and don’t know what to do with them, then undoubtedly Madhu Koda is the man to get in touch with.
Never known to be held down by the Enforcement Directorate, The Vigilance Commission, The Income Tax Department , The Police ,The CBI, Interpol or even the Supreme Court; Koda’s Hawala Network is so hard to comprehend that Dan Brown’s next book about Hawala is in honor of Madhu titled The Da-Vinci Koda.

So forget about using money to build roads, hospitals, schools and getting people jobs. Maybe even sponsoring food programs for the poor. Instead why not allow Madhu Koda to launder it for you in a discreet location like a bank in Geneva never to be found again!!
We salute you Mr.Koda. What an asshole!





#7
Name: Rajat Sharma
Asshole Since: Present Punar Janam
Occupation: News Breaker, Host of Janata Ki Adalat
A-Score: 8.25/10
Bio : The face of credibility and the scion of modern day Indian journalism. Rajat Sharma is a stalwart. Credited with the invention of BREAKING NEWS.Rajat Sharma’s BREAKING NEWS has done to journalism what the USB Drive has done to computers.

The Americans may brag about FOX News, clearly they haven’t seen India TV.
Whether it’s Chudails, Pralays or Kuttas and Billis, Rajat Sharma is undoubtedly the man to break it to you in news form every single day.
Astrological predictions and sex stories aside nobody covers Rapes, Balaatkaars and Khatarnaak murders better than Rajat Sharma and his team of fearless journalists.
The man who has interviewed Rakhi Sawant on Janata Ki Adalat more times than anyone else on the planet was the personal choice of the 26/11 Mumbai terrorists who called up India TV preferring them over CNN IBN , NDTV ,DD News and Times Now speaks volumes for India TV and Rajat Sharma’s incredible power to influence the masses.
So here’s to the man who created a news channel simply out of Punar Janaams and Paapi Log.
All the way from programs about reincarnation to creating a nation of idiots.
What an asshole!!




#6
Name: Professor Arindam Chaudhuri

Asshole Since: 1971

Occupation: Teacher, Economist, Film Producer, Man of Many Talents.
A-Score: 8.47/10
Bio: Known fondly to his dear students as ‘Arindam Sir’ this brilliant intellectual can Count Chickens Even Before They Hatch!!


Not everyone can count chickens but if you know anyone who can count chickens, chances are they don’t count chickens as well as Professor Arindam Chaudhuri.
Holder of India’s most famous ponytail, this bespectacled gentleman is India’s most well known economic expert on many things including chickens and counting.
Director of the blockbuster film ‘Rok Sako Toh Rok Lo’ , Professor Chaudhuri is known widely as the man who dares young wannabe management graduates to think beyond the IIM’s and even gives them free laptops when they join the IIPM!!
Perhaps India’s greatest exponent of the theory that if you can count chickens, give free laptops and organize quiz contests which have Shah Rukh Khan sing and dance then you can be known worldwide as an expert economist like Dr. Amartya Sen.
Hail To The Power Of The Ponytail And Counting Chickens!
What an Asshole!!
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#5
Name: Sherlyn Chopra
Asshole Since: 1984
Occupation : Actress, Singer ,Model ,Aspiring Nudist
A-Score: 8.53 /10
Bio: Sherlyn Chopra is one outrageous gal! The only female asshole to make it to our list, what men can do women can also do, she is Rehman Malik’s evidence that women can be assholes too!!
Sherlyn is the modern day Indian woman, fearless, brash and open. In fact she wears her openness openly by displaying her body openly for men and women to openly look at. Sherlyn has been India’s leading exhibitionist for well over half a decade now.
So open is she,that if it weren’t for stricter laws Sherlyn’s openness would be entirely out in the open!
Aspiring anorexics everywhere consider Sherlyn to be their Goddess. A trendsetter for fellow skanks Mallika Sherawat and Kareena Kapoor, Sherlyn is also a walking storehouse of silicon.
Such is her dedication to being an asshole that despite suffering severe back problems due to her silicon implanted breasts heaving constantly; she still adds that little bit of silicon in the plastic surgeon's office every week despite the pain.
She even went a step further to get additional silicon implants in her butt, popularly known as ‘butt implants’ these silicon pads under the ass make Sherlyn’s bum go bump! bump!
Cheers to This Bootylicious Babe, Lusty, Busty and Zesty!

What an asshole!!


#4
Name: Bal, Uddhav and Raj –The Thackerays
Assholes Since: 1926 ,1960 & 1968 respectively.
A-Score: 9/10
Bio: What can we say about the Thackerays that hasn’t already been said? Well, we could say the three of them are expert roller skaters and have each gotten the max score playing Call Of Duty 4 on their Sony Playstations but that would be untrue!



The three of them are avid bikers and are members of the country’s most famous bikers club known as the MUM-BIKERS.

When it’s not bikes, its cars for these three traversing Mumbai city in their Mumbai-Cars.
But it isn’t about cars and bikes for these three; it’s about buses and trains. Buses are what they like damaging the most. Between themselves the three Thackerays have damaged more buses than Godzilla on a rampage!
Sachin Tendulkar, Shah Rukh Khan, Amitabh Bachchan, Mukesh Ambani, almost everyone who’s anyone has faced the ire of the Thackerays.
For Turning The Cause Of The Marathi Manoos Into Marathi Manure, The Thackerays Are Number 4 On Our List Of Assholes.
What a Bunch Of Assholes!!


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#3
Name: Shambhu Pratap Singh Rathore
Asshole Since: 1941
Occupation : Child Molester ,Retired Police Officer
A-Score: 9.25/10
Bio: If he was George Bush then Muntazar Al Zaidi would throw his shoes at him, but he’s not!!
Bigger than George Bush, That’s how big an asshole Rathore is, constantly in the pursuit of Justice, Rathore was recently stabbed in the face with a pen knife, a much bigger salute to his abilities than just having shoes thrown at him.
Known for his exceptional molestation and harassment of Ruchika Girhotra this new age poster boy of candlelight marches and signature campaigns was so good at molesting Ruchika that she not only got thrown out of school and saw her family punished but ultimately paid homage to Rathore by committing suicide!!
With the perfect partner in his lawyer wife, Rathore could teach fellow asshole Madhu Koda a thing or two about getting bail and staying out of jail.
Always overcoming adversity with a smile, this media darling has also been approached by Colgate to feature in their toothpaste ads to highlight that fantastic smile born out of the satisfaction of having molested 15 year olds!!
We definitely look forward to seeing more of Rathore and his smiley face in future!
What an asshole!!


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#2
Name: Sajjan Kumar and Pravin Togadia
Assholes Since: 1944 & 1957 respectively
Occupation: Politician and Religious Reformist Respectively
A-Score: 9.7 /10
Bio : Two men from different walks of life .Two men belonging to different schools of thought. Two men from different political groups with different views yet bound by a single thread .Two different men but both assholes.

Yet no two assholes are exactly alike, still the similarities are staggering.
Sajjan Kumar is completely CBI Proof even if the CBI has enough proof against him; this iconic asshole has made it his life mission to avoid arrest in the 1984 Sikh Riots Case.
He simply never gets Sikh of killing Sikhs!
If after 26 years there is no proof against this man then how can there be proof of Pakistan’s involvement in 26/11 Mumbai?! No wonder Pakistan keeps asking for more and more proof! Because when it comes to Sajjan Kumar no proof is necessary and no proof is ever enough.
While one is a Sajjan, Togadia is a Cancer Surgeon. A Firebrand, Outspoken and a critically acclaimed asshole. Like Sajjan he too is proof that without enough proof no matter how much proof is actually available, nothing can be proved against you if you’re name is Pravin Togadia.
Babri Masjid, Defending Godhra, Communal Clashes, it’s all in a day’s work for Togadia. Always smart enough to escape the media’s eye which is busy trying to interpret or misinterpret the cattle class interlocutions of Shashi Tharoor. Togadia is the cool dude known to his fellow Mosque Demolishers as the HIN-DUDE!
A Tribute Then To the Sikh Sajjan and the Hin-Dude!
What a Couple of Assholes!!





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AND NOW FOR THE WINNER OF THE INDIA TODAY ‘S BEST INDIAN ASSHOLES, HERE HE COMES, THE NUMBER ONE ASSHOLE IN INDIA!!! DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!

Name: Koteshwar Rao aka Kishenji
Asshole Since: 1957
Occupation: Leader of the Naxal Movement
A-Score: 9.9 /10!
Bio: When you score a near perfect 9.9/10 then it’s guaranteed that you are the greatest and the best asshole of the current era! Maybe the greatest asshole of all time!!!
Imagine an asshole so big that its very name unites the country. You don’t have to anymore!! He’s here and his name is Koteshwar Rao respectfully known as Kishenji.

A nomad wandering in the jungles of Jharkhand, West Bengal and Chhattisgarh, Kishenji is an extremely reclusive man by nature.
His colleagues describe him as an enigma and a mystery. Forever media shy, Kishenji never makes a public appearance; even if he does then he makes sure that his face is covered. A clear cut case of an asshole covering his hole!
Kishenji’s actions speak louder than words. In the past 12 months he and his men have beheaded policemen, attacked police camps, set entire villages on fire, pillaged trains and generally killed a number of people.
In fact Kishenji is such a humungous asshole that the very Prime Minister of India complimented him when he said Kishenji and his people were the biggest internal security threat to India!!!!
With a wide network of friends ranging from communists to Mamata Banerjee and her Trinamool Congressman Kishenji is also an avid Social Network Addict.
Often seen tweeting on Twitter under various aliases and poking people on Facebook, He is most often heard talking on his many cell phones endorsing every possible SIM card of every possible Indian telecom company!!
Such Is the Coverage Area of Kishenji, India’s Greatest Asshole!!
What an Asshole!


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ISSUE OUT NOW!

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