Saturday, March 20, 2010

Rahul Mahajan : " I've Done Everything I Could Have Possibly Done To Become A Distinguished Member Of India's Top Assholes Club "

Ladies and gentleman,

This is truly an event.

Please put your hands together by which I mean clap. Cue up the music and light the fireworks.

For some strange reason people are unhappy that their favorite heroes are not in the list of India Today’s Top 10 Assholes.They’ve been letting me hear it all week long in the comment thread about how dissatisfied they are at the omission of many assholes.

So I sent The Jhunjhunwala Times, the planet’s most well respected Bull Paper to cover the dissatisfaction.

But this is an issue so big, that it required an objective, balanced, sound and informative exercise in journalism. One that would uncover the growing divide between the asshole and the lack of it on the India Today list.

Therefore, I pursued the matter with Essbee known also as Essbee “S.B” Essbee, The brilliantly brilliant editor of India’s Leading Satire Daily

Only Essbee could cover this story in the manner it needed to be done and that’s exactly what he’s done for The Jhunjhunwala Times.

A guest post for the Secret Journal by Essbee. Now this is what I call bold journalism!


Essbee “S.B” Essbee|Onion Uttapam News Network

Saturday, March 20

The latest issue of India Today, listing the top ten assholes of the country, has raised a storm with protests breaking out all over the country. The controversial article lists Raghu Ram, ND Tiwari, Madhu Koda, Rajat Sharma, Arindam Chaudhuri, Sherlyn Chopra, The Three Thackerays - Bal, Uddhav & Raj,SPS Rathore, Sajjan Kumar, Pravin Togadia and Kishenji as India's best and most well-respected popular assholes.

The list has upset scores of prominent politicians and celebrities who are shocked at being omitted from such a prestigious list. Supporters of many politicians who have not been featured in the list are equally shocked at the omission of their leaders from the list and have taken to the streets protesting, rioting, burning buses and terrorizing ordinary people. Tens of thousands of copies of India Today have been bought and burnt by the protesting mobs resulting in the sales of India Today shooting up by 37 percent.

According to latest reports, property worth almost the net worth of investor Rakesh Jhunjhunwala has been destroyed in the rioting leading the maverick investor to remark "Jhunjhunwala's wealth was not built in a day, but today India's secondary assholes have destroyed as much wealth in just a few hours. Imagine how much more wealth would have been destroyed had these India Today-wallahs excluded the primary top ten assholes in order to include the secondary assholes in their top ten List!"

Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, Mayawati was most upset at being left out of the list of country's greatest assholes. "How dare these India Today-wallahs ignore me after all that I've done to qualify as leading asshole of the country?" asked Mayawati speaking to a statue of herself installed in the garden of her official residence, one of the hundreds of statues built by Mayawati to consecrate in stone her timeless, ethereal beauty for generations to admire and protected by a special task force consisting of over 1000 cops. Around the same time, a PIGEON pooped twice on her statue making a mockery of her security arrangements.

According to our sources, the latest Tamasha sponsored by the UP Chief Minister – BSP birthday bash costing over Rs. 200 Crores with garlands made out of currency notes worth several Crores - was her way of showing her finger to the media for excluding her from the list. Our sources further say that Mayawati has threatened to erect hundreds of more statues of herself all over the state of Uttar Pradesh until the country recognizes and honors her as India's leading asshole

To make matters worse, each and every statue of hers will be covered by multi-crore garlands made up of Rs.1000 notes. Further, in order to prevent theft of the currency notes garnishing her statues, Mayawati plans to increase the strength of the special task force providing security to her statues by nearly 1000 per cent.

"I'm not going to rest and will continue erecting so many statues of myself that not just India Today but even Time magazine would be forced to recognize me as world's greatest asshole." She thundered while speaking to her favorite statue. Though the pooping PIGEON looked delighted at the prospect of having hundreds of more statues to poop on, her statue didn't react to her thundering words and maintained a stony silence throughout her verbal outburst.

But her supporters were not so equanimous. Thousands of BSP men went on a rampage destroying statues of other Indian leaders like Gandhi, Nehru, Subhash Chandra Bose, etc on instructions from Mayawati, who according to reports, has issued a directive to her party men to bring down every Non-Mayawati statue in the state. "When this #@#$$$ Aroon Poorie will drive the roads of Lucknow and Kanpur, and find my Crorepati statues looking derisively at him from elevated platforms at every gali, nook and corner of the state, he will realize what an elevated asshole I am!”

Rahul Mahajan is another celebrity who has reacted with anger to his exclusion. According to our overseas reporter, who is covering the honeymoon of Rahul Mahajan in Maldives(at his departed father's expenses, of course), he was shocked to read news reports that he has been excluded from the list of India's top ten assholes. "What the fuck, Dimpy!" he shrieked in horror to his equally shocked wife. "This totally ruins my chances of making a dick of myself in yet another reality show! I've done everything I could have possibly done to become a distinguished member of India's top assholes club. What more do they want me to do?" he said crying on the shoulders of his wife. Then to her shock, he started beating her.

"This is a conspiracy of you bongs against me. I'm sure bongs at India Today's editorial team must have vetoed the proposal to include me in the list because of you marrying me! But now I will prove to them that just by marrying you, I haven't become a reformed asshole. I'm still the same lousy, coke-snorting, wife-beating asshole I always was" he said while continuing to beat the crap out of her and laughing in his peculiar, demonic, trademark laughing style which scared away over 250 pigeons, sparrows, crows, herons, swans and ducklings from the honeymoon resort.

Many of the poor birds have been scarred for life and have vowed never to return back to Maldives in their entire lifetime. Poor Dimpy was so brutalized by his heinous attack that she had to be hospitalized and is battling for her life. Doctors at the hospital say that in her unconscious state, she keeps mumbling:

“aish...houl...aish...houl...rahool...ash houl …”

Meanwhile, Sharad Pawar, who as India's Agriculture Minister has overseen the death of over 2 lac farmers from suicides in the last decade and whose policies are primarily responsible for the high rate of food inflation in the country, miffed at being left out from the list, is threatening to hike prices of several food commodities to avenge his non-inclusion in the list. "Even my own party colleagues are now abusing me publicly calling me a b#h@$$h06. I wonder why these media guys are scared of calling an asshole an asshole?" a confused Pawar reportedly told one of his party colleagues.

Arjun Singh, former minister for Human Resources And Development, while angry at the omission of his name was heard ruing to his three full-time nurses massaging him back to health (who have been provided to him as compensation for his exit from the HRD ministry) that the list has came out too late. "If I was still HRD minister, I would have announced 100 percent reservations for assholes in all universities to avenge my omission from the list."

Expectantly, while The Three Thackerays are happy to find themselves in the list, they have expressed strong displeasure at being clubbed together as a single asshole. "All three of us deserve a place individually in the list. This is another example of how Marathi Manoos are discriminated in this country!" wrote Bal Thackeray in his editorial for Saamna. All three of them have called for a nationwide bandh, but on separate days to demonstrate to the country how each one of them is a distinctive asshole in his own right!

The happiest of those who have made the cut is Rajat Sharma. Just moments after the issue of India Today hit the stands; India TV broke the news on the channel. Ever since, the ticker informing the viewers of his big win - "BREAKING NEWS: INDIA TV KE BIGG BOSS RAJAT SHARMA AB BHARAT KE TOP TEN GAZAB GAANDU LIST ME"- has been running non-stop on the channel.

Celebrating his inclusion in the list, Rajat Sharma partied all night inside India TV studios where he was given company by thousands of CHUDAILS, BHOOTS, PISAACHS, DAYANS, TANTRIKS AND PAATAL BHAIRAVIS. The next day he shot a special episode of 'AAP KI ADALAT' where playing both the accused and the public prosecutor, he grilled himself. This episode will be telecast four times a day for the next four years on India TV and at some point of time in the second year, it will break India TV's own world record of maximum repeat telecasts of a single episode of a TV show, which was established when the episode of Aap Ki Adalat featuring Rakhi Sawant was repeated a record 1521 times on the channel.

But while India TV celebrated, the rest of the electronic media did what they do best - Discuss! CNN-IBN Anchor Sagarika Ghose asked an expert panel that she had invited on her show ‘Face the Nation' why the real assholes of the country were ignored. By the end of the discussion, millions of viewers, bored by the long-winded arguments, were convinced that the expert panel too deserved a place in the list.

Barkha Dutt spent an hour trying to convince her studio audience that Narendra Modi deserved a place in the list for his role in Gujarat genocide rudely shutting up everyone who tried to point out that Sonia Gandhi was a mute witness to Congress sponsored genocide of thousands of Sikhs in New Delhi when her husband, Rajiv Gandhi was PM of India.

Arnab Goswami of Times Now was happy that Kishenji topped the list of assholes, but strongly expressed his disappointment at the exclusion of Arundhati Roy from the list. He also wondered loudly why Ajmal Kasab was not included failing to realize that Kasab was not an Indian. Like all other anchors, he too invited a panel of experts to discuss why so many bigger assholes were excluded from the list, but whenever anyone differed with his views.

He interrupted them muttering "NO..NO..BUT..NO..NO..BUTT..BUTT". His frequent BUTT-ING in and not letting anyone else complete their sentences resulted in one of the guests calling him a 'BUTTHEAD' and another one calling him INDIA'S BIGGEST BUTTHOLE.

The reverberations of the outrage at the list were felt in the Parliament too. Mulayam Singh Yadav, Laloo Prasad Yadav and several MP's from the UP-Bihar belt held up the proceedings of the Parliament demanding to know why no Yadav has been found good enough to merit entry in the list despite the efforts of Yadavs in keeping the two states poor and backward. Congress President Sonia Gandhi pointed out how lack of 33% reservations in the list has skewed it heavily in favor of men. "Had there been 33% quota for women in the list, Mayawati & Rakhi Sawant would have been included too, making the list better representative of all the assholes in the country."

When our correspondent landed up at the residence of Rakhi Sawant to ask her reaction to her exclusion from the controversial list, she remarked that her grasp of English wasn't good and asked him, "Yeh asshole kya cheez hai? Is it the hole in my butt from where all my poop comes out?" When our reporter nodded, she exclaimed in excitement "OH MY JEEJUS!" and smiled. "Agar Yeh List India TV Ke Rajatji Ne Banaya Hota Instead Of India Today's Poorie Saheb, I Would Have Topped The List!" she said smilingly, but to the dismay of our drooling reporter declined to provide evidence of her tall claim.



On a serious note, a huge heartfelt Thank You! to Essbee and Onionuttapam.Com for writing such a great guest post for the Secret Journal.

Essbee deserves a Dr.Manmohan Singh Thumbs Up!

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