I Sharad Pawar, am writing this letter to you today not as India’s most successful Agriculture Minister or as India's most successful former Chief Minister of Maharashtra. I also don't write this as the President of the International Cricket Council (ICC).
The fact of the matter is that as a distinguished veteran and daringly honest politician in the Indian democracy, I have accomplished a lot but still there is a deep hole in my heart which can only be filled by doing more for my country and her fellowmen. In Hindi we call this 'PAROPKARI' attitude and it is this attitude that I wanna demonstrate in my future endeavors.
I am writing this letter to your Greatness out of a deep sense of devotion and longing to do sincere heartfelt service for my great country India.
But Rakesh Sir, I cannot do this without your help. This is why I am requesting your legendary guidance and mercy.
By no means is this treasure as big as your multitude of vast treasures Rakesh Sir. I mean your coin purse alone is more valuable than hundreds of such treasures ...combined!
However this money is no small amount for me and as someone who has always been a guardian of wealth I feel I must now be put in charge of the Sree Padmanabhaswamy Temple treasure also.
Therefore I beseech you from the bottom of my heart to get me on the Trust Board of the Padmanabhaswamy Temple. The treasure must be guarded for our Great Country's sake.
After a lot of thought I have reached the conclusion that none better than me is best suited to handle this treasure because frankly no one is more suited to guard a treasure than me! I have the necessary experience as I have guarded so many treasures in the past:
- The Abdul Karim Telgi Stamp Paper Treasure
- The Lalit Modi IPL Treasure
- BCCI and ICC Advertising Revenue Treasure
- Maharashtra Government Alliance Partner Treasure
- Agriculture Ministry Treasure
- Sugar Price Management Treasure
- Swiss Bank Hidden Treasure
- Maharashtra Real Estate Treasure
And many many more treasures, etc,etc
Of course while the popular demand is for your greatness to personally interject himself and take charge of this treasure, I know for a fact that your highness never concerns himself with such small treasure which is worth nothing more than a few paltry Crores so I won't even make the mistake of insulting your EPICNESS by even suggesting that you take a hold of the Kerala treasure.
However the world is a place full of thieves and scoundrels. There are those who greedily look upon this treasure as their own. As a proud Indian I feel I must do everything I can in my power to protect this great treasure and therefore I request you to use your influence and get me a position on the trust board which currently administers the treasure.
Only you can fulfill my dream of protecting the treasure Rakesh Sir!
Over the past few days my devotion towards God Padmanabhaswamy has increased exponentially and I am now a fully fledged believer in the Greatest God Sri Padmanabhaswamy!
Some people may be surprised that I have switched allegiance from Maharashtra God Ganesh to Kerala God Padmanabhaswamy but I can't help it. I am a politician. I change sides all the time! So if you really think about it I'm just being honest to myself and because of this honesty I deserve to be the treasure custodian.
Many will say that I lack the religious heritage to be the temple's treasure guardian. This is yet another untruth because I am filled with religious traditional worship of Sri Padmanabhaswamy. Everyday I am more than willing to bathe in the Holy Temple Tank Waters at the crack of dawn and perform Pujas for Shri Padmanabhaswamy.
I have always admired Sri Padmanabhaswamy and it is because of this admiration that I want to serve him. God is tired after carrying the treasure for so many years and he needs rest. Therefore I will step in and take over treasure keeping duties.
I am making sincere efforts to worship Padmanabhaswamy's treasure as best as I can. I am taking tuition to learn the 1000 names of Vishnu in the sacred Vishnu Sahasranamam text so that I can worship God Padmanabha who is a form of Vishnu afterall. In this regard I have also bought a CD of the Vishnu Sahasranamam sung by none other than Bharat Ratna MS Subbulakshmi so that I can sing it while I am guarding the treasure!!
I am also willing to cut barriers and become a bridge between all Vishnu worshippers. FOR THE SAKE OF PADMANABHA AND THE TREASURE I SHALL EVEN ADOPT THE AUSTERE ‘IYENGAR’ METHOD OF WORSHIP AND PAINT MYSELF ALL OVER WITH THE ICONIC NAMAS OR VAISHNAVITE MARKS JUST SO THAT I CAN WHOLE HEARTEDLY GUARD THE TREASURE.
Now I admit that sometimes guarding the treasure all by myself can be difficult but this is where good help comes in. I propose that a security task force be formed to guard the treasure comprising apart from myself the esteemed Suresh Kalmadi, A.Raja and as a woman member Kanimozhi!
I just want to serve my country by guarding this vast treasure Rakesh Sir so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get me a spot on the Trust Board of the Sri Padmanabhaswamy Temple!!! PLEASE!!!
Yours Treasurely,
Sri Padmanabhaswamy's Most Worshipful Devotee and Humble Servant,
Sharad Pawar
SHARAD
PAWAR:
“I Am
Willing To Accept the Responsibility of Guarding the Kerala Sri Padmanabhaswamy
Temple Treasure”
Now for the past few days People’ve been asking where I’ve been.
I’ve been busy.
See, I’m about to turn 50 soon and I always feel good about myself. This year I might even walk right into the Mumbai Airport, Stop by the hangar and buy an obscenely expensive Boeing 747 or an AirbusA380 or both and then fly out all my friends and family pals to Mauritius.
I possess the ability to convert the Mumbai Airport into my own personal plane showroom.
I might then set Mauritius on fire. Party like a rockstar. Buy the entire island itself and install my statue on the isle of Mauritius.
Like Jim Jones says. I always ‘ Fly High,No Lie,I Just KeepOn Ballin’
So here I am a few days ago in my Nariman Point Office. Minding my own business, counting my 1000 Rupee notes and organizing my collection of Ganesha Statues. Polishing God Ganesha’s tummy and making a note in my head that we both are so alike.
Then my phone rings, it’s the security man from downstairs saying this dude from NDTV called Sreenivasan Jain wants to meet me.
I don’t want to meet this Sreenivasan fellow but the Security Guy says that Jain has been camped at my gate since last night and is threatening to kill himself if I don’t meet him.
Then the New Mumbai Police Commissioner calls me up followed by the Chief Minister Ashok Chavan and then the Prime Minister himself Dr. Manmohan Singh .All requesting me to meet Sreenivasan Jain because if he were to actually kill himself this would become a law and order problem. Journalists would bad mouth the police for failing to prevent the death of Sreenivasan. The opposition would ask for Chavan’s resignation and the PM would be in trouble.
So all three of them begged me to meet Jain and even promised me that they would treat me to ICE CREAM as a token of thanks.
Now I put things into perspective. Sreenivasan Jain is whatever, but Ice Cream is damn important.
I decided to meet this Jain guy for a few minutes. The PM told me he’d buy me an Extra Extra Large Cone With Chocolate,Vanilla and Butterscotch topped with Chocolate Chips. This was something I could not refuse! It’s ice cream after all!! Maybe I can eat it when Rekha isn’t around otherwise she’s gonna yell at me for violating the rules she’s set as regards my Diabetes problem.
So Sreenivasan Jain came up to my office and fell at my feet begging me to grant him an interview. With Ice Cream in mind, I obliged .Then I instructed him to sit down and do the interview.
Now I don’t understand what this fellow’s problem is. Whether he’s got a stick up his ass or he’s just too damn screwed up in the brain. Apparently, he thinks he’s damn cool because he tried annoying me all interview long.
Just look at the footage.
FIRST OF ALL I don’t appreciate a square jawed yokel who so badly needs a shave that his ass ought to be hauled into the Gillette Shave India Movement. His body clamped down with shackles and then have his face lathered and razored till that ugly mess of a hairy dog’s butt pasted on his face he calls a beard comes right off.
Sreenivasan Jain could never pull off a moustache so he tried a beard and messed that up. If he wanted to try a moustache he should have tried one like this guy, whose moustache is the best moustache in the world…..right.
SECONDLY, I don’t need to tell this fellow or anyone else why I haven’t been on TV. I do what I want, when I want, how I want. There are enough Half Jokers and Whole Monkeys who know squat about the markets yapping their tongues off on business channels on a daily basis.
I’m not one of them. I’m The World’s 937th Richest Man. When I pull out all my cash, my jewelery,my cars, my yachts, my planes, my oil fields, my satellites, my private diamond mines and other stuff. You’d know that I am the richest man on the planet.
Moreover the Ambanis and I have a unique understanding which is top secret.I wouldn't reveal that to you of all people.
FOURTHLY, ever since The Notorious Coltonstole my portfolio and put it online, people have gotten to know a tiny fraction of the company names I’ve invested in. So if Sreenivasan Jain picks out Titan and Crisil and talks as if he knows everything about these companies then he’s a certified butt munch.
Let me explain something to you Sreenivasan, Crisil and Titan weren’t as successful earlier. I made them successful when I made the decision to invest in them. You get it?
It’s called Genius. There are thousands of companies listed on the Bombay Stock Exchange. My Greatness picks out a few of these companies which I then destine to become money spinners .
LASTLY, DO NOT EVER, I MEAN EVER. Never ever talk to me and even try to do something else at the same time. You think you’re so cool playing with your phone while talking to me ; LET ME WARN YOU – If you ever pull a stunt like that on me again I will bounce your skinny little frame right on my stomach and launch you into outer space where you would disappear into cosmic dust forever.
You tried to 1 up me but I punked you out instead. See after 6:55 minutes of this interview I regurgitated some of the food I ate earlier into a massive food ball of gas which I then filtered through my mouth, moving it upward into a gigantic burp.
This time you got away with a burp. Next time, you do an interview with MY GREATNESS so callously; the consequences will be entirely different.
Sreenivasan Jain. You have been warned.
Rakesh Jhunjhunwala - Kickin’ Ass, Makin’ Cash
Don’t Annoy Me. My Horns Will Inflict Severe Damage. I’m A Renegade Ass Kicker.
