I used to run a magazine called Tehelka till I was forced to take
a 6 month vacation .My idiot Managing Editor Shoma Chaudhury now runs the place
while I do laceration and atonement.
No , Not the film 'Atonement' but you get the idea.
For the past few days News has been rife with news of something I
was supposed to have done inside a Hotel Lift in Goa to a fellow employee at
Tehelka.
I am writing this letter to you to put forward the facts of that
night.I want to set the record straight.
1.) The event in itself can best be describedfrom many leaked emails and statements as rape
, molestation , sexual harassment , sexual assault , sexual
misconduct , sexual liason , sexual banter, one sided
consensual sex,untoward incidentA LIFT INSPECTION. It was a lift Inspection I had
carried out that day with my young journalist friend. It had nothing to do with
any criminal behavior of any kind.
2.) For long I have been worried about the state of India's
elevators and LIFTS. More so, because our country's state of load bearing
hydraulics and weight hoisting machinery from one floor to another has been
very problematic.
3.) The problem of dangerous lifts was brought to my attention by
well known singer and frequent Visa applicant, Adnan Sami who very beautifully
annotated in his song 'Lift Kara de'
the issue of weak and potentially fatal lifts.
4.) On the day of the incident I was merely doing a lift
inspection, I had even hooked up one of my famous Tehelka sting operation
cameras into the lift CCTV so that I could do a sting operation on the Hotel
where I was staying. Unfortunately I found out much later that the lift had no
CCTV in the first place.This was my sheer bad luck.
5.) I want to tell you categorically since you are the only
person on this planet whose authority overrules even that of Arnab Goswami, The
Supreme Court and The US President...combined, that I DID NOT RAPE THAT GIRL!
6.) It Was Completely Her Fault! She not only wore sexy clothes
but also ate Chowmein and used fancy mobile phones - all of which have been
comprehensively proven to cause rape according to Khap Panchayats. She was showing me pictures of Chowmein on
her mobile phone in an attempt to titillate me!
7.) Despite such brazen provocations I did not get affected and
continued to inspect the lift for faulty wiring,structural flaws,etc. It just so happened that this wiring
happened to be in the girl's clothes and on her body.
8.) This
is a political conspiracy to stop India from providing world class lifts to its
citizens. The Congress and the BJP have once too often engaged in
corruption and swallowed the funds meant for lift construction. These political parties want common people
of India to be stuck in a tyranny of stair climbing while fat netas from their
own parties continue to get LIFTED
to higher levels.
9.) Tehelka has always stood for Strong and fair journalism. I am
confident that despite my atonement they will reach higher
levels...literally,because I have told Shoma to put more lifts in the Tehelka
office building.Thus we will break our dependence on the laceration caused to our
feetby walking and climbing stairs.
In Conclusion - I Did Not
Rape That Girl. IT WAS A LIFT INSPECTION - I REITERATE
Prominent journalist, well known
writer and recent molester Tarun Tejpal today said that he will form a National
Commission for Men or NCM to safeguard and protect the rights of men everywhere
in India.
Tejpal who is currently on a 6 month
vacation spoke to The J Times from an undisclosed location and disclosed angrily
'Look,I am very unhappy with the way Men are being treated in this country
...especially by women. There is no one to uphold the sanctity of men anywhere
in this country.Indian Men have been oppressed for far too long and this is why
I am going to form a body for men,by men
and of men'
Speaking further,he added ' I have
already invited Actor Shakti Kapoor to be our President.He is an inspiration
and a role model whose fight for men's
rights on the silver screen has been unparalleled. He should have been awarded the inaugural
Bollywood Centenary award but it was awarded instead to Waheeda Rehman,a woman.
Yet another case of men being discriminated against.Furthermore,I have also
extended invitations to former iGate and Infosys sexual harassment victim
Phaneesh Murthy and actor Shiney Ahuja. I am also delighted to inform you that
Godman Asaram and his son Narayan Sai
whose attempts at bringing Religion and Molestation together have been
absolutely iconic, will also be joining the NCM'
'We have also approached CBI Director
Ranjit Sinha to be our first CEO,his experience in law enforcement and criminality is unmatched in the annals of
India.His recent statement which implied that rape which cannot be stopped
might as well be enjoyed proves that his dedication to men's safety issues is
serious.' he insisted.
Tejpal continuing to address the
issue of men's rights accused the National Commission for Women or NCW of being
'sexist' and completely 'feminist' .He said ' How can a body that is supposed
to achieve Gender equality be only bothered about one gender namely Women? How?! It is absurd and
ludicrous. There is not a single Man on the National Commission for Women.How
can this be? I plan to introduce a bill in Parliament called the Men's
Reservation Bill, which will compulsorily provide Men with 33% reservation in
the NCW.'
Lastly, he added ' One of our members
is a very aspiring,hard working Knife and
Machete salesman.'
'When he tried to sell a steel machete to a woman in a
Bangalore ATM recently,he was accused of assault!Yet another case of Men being
harassed by Women. What nonsense is this?! It is to avoid and fight things like
this only that I am going to start the NCM.'
My Greatness has decided to do something called Philanthropy. In this noble endeavor I find others competing with me like these guys at JHATKAA . I have decided to help them raise the money they need to make ineffective the douches like Ghulam Nabi and Pee man Ajit Pawar . Have a look at the video and do spread the word :
By the way according to the Chinese everything marked in red on this map is their territory.
And everything marked in red on this map is also their territory.
So technically they have not crossed any border and are in their territory only. The only part of the world which does not come under their territory is this part.
And that’s because the Chinese are scared of her.
Didi is busy saving her party people from a chit fund scam.
This chit fund is one among many -it funds in India. Some of them are. Ch*t fund - this is a fund used to take care of ch*tiyas :
Pit fund - a fund used to give compensation to families of babies who fall into borewell pits
Tit fund - this is self explanatory
Hit fund - used to kill cockroaches like these
And these
Kit fund - a fund that refurbishes all cricket bats in this guy's cricketing kit after he breaks them during a rampage
And finally, Himmat fund - a fund that provides relief to all those victims who died after watching
.JPG)
