Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Gamla Aunty & Shiv Kumar Mishra!

When I started writing My Secret Journal ,I did so to inspire people so that everyone in the Universe is awe struck by the Literary Excellence I pour forth on my wonderful Secret Journal!

And when a Top class + high quality + 5 star writer + one of my favorite bloggers, the Great Shiv Kumar Mishra who writes the blog Shiv Gyan and tweets @mishrashiv is inspired to emulate me,my satisfaction is increased massively at the joy of being able to spread my glory.

Shiv infact puts forth his awesomeness in this post which you people are ordered to read :

If you do not know how to read Hindi then I demand that you learn how to read Hindi and then immediately read Shiv Kumar Mishra's ass kicking of Jyoti Kumari who as we all know is a pot lover!

I am glad to know that Shiv also shares some of the same Genius that I invented! Shiv might in fact even be that guy people refer to as the Fake Jhunjhunwala.


" I always knew Shiv Kumar Mishra would kick Jyoti Kumari's Ass by taking super duper flower pot shots at her.I never doubted it for a minute. "

Much Thanks, Shiv :-)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Party Like A Rockstar !

As you know by now, I’ve been partying (!!!!!!!) in Mauritius . That’s right! Seeing that as I’m a strict believer in the universal doctrines of ALCOHOL MANAGEMENT, I’ve been a prime example of what it means to be an exemplary party thrower /party goer.

As a result I’ve been filling myself up with all kinds of liquor --- BEER! My favorite single malt scotches , brandy , other types of whisky, gin, rum, vodka , wine, etc,etc. My wild partying ways have also enabled me as always to consume huge quantities of our own desi country because my country is great and I love my country.

Combined with an infinite amount of daru and even more infinite number of Patiala Pegs my Mauritius adventure has been truly legendary!

I mean so legendary that when I arrived on the island, the very Prime Minister Of Mauritius, Navinchandra Ramgoolam personally escorted me all the way to the insanely 100+ star hotel that I had rented out for all my close friends and family. My closest buddies from across the planet all assembled in one place to celebrate an event so Path Breaking, Inter Costal, Humongous, Gigantic, Enormous, Gigantic + Enormous = Ginormous, Universe Splitting, Super Duper Galactic, Transgressing Space And Time Itself – A Once In An Epoch Occurrence – My 50th Birthday!

This cosmic occurrence of wonderful awesomeness to celebrate the 50th birth anniversary of my great self as a humble vessel ever devoted to the service of the world by way of facilitating exchange of currency via mutually traded securities upon stock exchanges of the world deserved a luxurious ravish affair and by God! The Gods themselves looked down upon the island of Mauritius as I threw the greatest party the world has ever seen.

Because when Rakesh Jhunjhunwala throws a party, it isn’t just a random gathering of human beings eating, drinking and being merry. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before or will ever see again. A Rakesh Jhunjhunwala party is a glorious invigoration drilled into the very fabric of human consciousness and history, left to mortal beings and their descendants as a testament to gather from the pages of history to that which truly is a celebration of life.

And such is the celebration I bestowed upon Mauritius that local Mauritians now want me to become their President and Leader.

After witnessing the rivers of champagne and barrages of the choicest of human food ever produced in my birthday party, local Mauritian elders started to beg me to take their daughters unto myself and make them my wives but I declined due to my unwavering loyalty to my sweet wife Rekha who has worked hard to make my party a success.

Now, throughout my life I’ve had various birthday parties at various stages of my life – like when I was a small baby:

Or when I was a rebellious younger teenage punk rocker:

This party however pwned them all. Even Heavy Metal band Metallica volunteered to cancel their music tour to play at my birthday after they heard my great self was throwing a bash. But being a kind hearted soul, I did not want to rob other Metallica fans of hearing them; so I told Metallica that they could play just for me after their tour. Metallica were pretty disappointed but after I consoled them, they felt better and promised to dedicate their next album to me.

Since Metallica were busy I decided to have the second most Heavy Metal bunch of ass kicking rockers on this planet to play for me. Hence I flew in Roop Kumar and Sonali Rathod.

That’s right! After Metallica Roop Kumar and Sonali Rathod are the most electrifying, ass kicking bunch of head banging hardcore rockers there are ……RIGHT.

Even Rahat Fateh Ali Khan was there. But Rahat is not fit and sexy like me. In fact he is fat. I prefer to call him Rahat FATTY Ali Khan.

All parties have clowns and mine too had a very special clown. For his hilarious antics I flew down Ajit Agarkar because Ajit Agarkar is the best clown there is. Just the sight of his face made Little Nishtha howl uproariously with laughter!!!

Apart from the drinks, singers, dancers, the great food, the entertainment, the mirth, the laughter, the merriment and the chaos, this party to celebrate my 50th birthday was by far my most Special Birthday simply because my greatest wealth was with me – My Dear Family & Friends. My Mom, Rekha, Little Nishtha and The J Twins Aryaman and Aryavir all made this celebration a truly great event.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

Indians Love Football

The focus group at Rare Enterprises that was initiated into action at the time of the Winter Olympics earlier this year is now a more active feature in my scheme of things.

In order to cut through the hype and hullabaloo running around in our great country, I send out this bunch of people carefully assimilated purely to ascertain the truth in a bunch of marketing bullshit and present their findings to me just so that I can remind myself about that which I already know.

I gave the focus group their latest assignment, one that they worked on while I was celebrating my 50th birthday in Mauritius. Their task was to try and see if there is potential for the sport of FOOTBALL in India.

I mean I know there is but is it really upto that level that some people would have the other people believe? If there is I must find some way to invest in the sport of Football in India so I can make money. If there is no potential then I must find out how I can single handedly grow football in India to such a state where I can then make money from it.

So the focus group asked people about what is the most important football match this year. The World Cup Final between Spain and The Netherlands on Sunday and here are the results:

Q] Are you watching the Football World Cup Final between Spain and Holland?

A] Manoj Bhiwandi, local café owner, Kurukshetra, Haryana

“No! I’m busy Sunday night. See I have to go to the local sign maker because he has made a spelling mistake while making the signboard for my restaurant.

I told him to make the sign as HARD ROCK CAFÉ but that stupid shithead has made a spelling mistake and made it as HARD COCK CAFÉ!!!!!! Now all the customers think my restaurant is a brothel and keep asking the waitress “Chalti Kya?” **** I hate this sign maker**** grrrrr

Q] Are you watching the Football World Cup Final between Spain and Holland?

A] Shabir Ahmad Wani, Kashmiri Separatist Leader Arrested for Inciting Violence, Brand Ambassador for Ambassador Cars

Are you stupid! Of course not!!!! See on Sunday night I will be busy discussing serious legalities with my lawyer because on Monday I have to file my bail application so I can get out of jail and supervise stone throwing in Kashmir.

I have been falsely accused by the way of asking people to martyr themselves by throwing stones and get fired back in return by the CRPF okay!!

Why would I first of all even want stone throwers to die??!! Who will throw stones then? Good stone throwers are so hard to find these days!!

In those audio tapes I was only negotiating the rates with stone throwing agencies. See they have presented me with a rate card that is very high!

So I was only asking them to reduce rates!! But as usual I have been misquoted by the media!!

Q] Are you watching the Football World Cup Final between Spain and Holland?

A ] Aftab Shivdasani, Unemployed Actor ,part time onion peeler at HARD COCK CAFÉ

Definitely Not OK!!! I have to concentrate on my career. I am going to learn how to dance properly in film songs by watching Sanjay Dutt’s brilliant dancing in the song ‘Aazma Luck Aazma’ from Luck!!

Q] Are you watching the Football World Cup Final between Spain and Holland?

A ] Sharad Pawar, Indian Agriculture Minister,ICC Chief , Aspiring Bhajan Singer

What?! It’s on Sunday night?? This is too much. I also have to watch ‘Awakening With Brahmakumaris’ on Aastha Channel and the weekly repeat telecast of ‘Sasuraal Genda Phool’ on Star Plus. Now I realize that I have to watch the Football World Cup also!!!!

This is just too much….Sob, Sob, Sob, Sob, Sob, Sob and More Sob!!!!!! I request the PM to reduce this burden, please!!

Q] Are you watching the Football World Cup Final between Spain and Holland?

A] Acharya Indu Prakash, Astrologer, Fat Bald Round Man, Distant Cousin Of Humpty Dumpty And Host Of Bhavishyavani , Weekdays 7 Am On India TV


FU*K YOU SOME MORE YOU BASTARD! You had to ask me that question didn’t you huh?

You know I’ve been having a hard time ever since I lost to that big bag of tentacles, Bloody Paul The Octopus. I mean what has the world come to huh?

Since when did octopods start predicting the future? That’s my damn job! I can tolerate anything OK, almost anything predicting the future! I mean my entire career I’ve endured parrots, monkeys, donkeys, dolphins, boiled eggs, coffee mugs, duck billed platypuses and even FU*KIN Starfish and Kangaroos OK!

But God dammit!! the Astrology Society is now allowing an octopus to predict the future! Are you FU*KIN kidding me!

And that Bastard Paul is yapping off ever since he predicted that Spain would beat Germany in the semi final while I said that Germany would win.

Paul is an asshole you hear! He is just way too arrogant. After he got the prediction for the semi final right that bundle of suckers sent me this image on my cell phone! Bastard just flipped me off!

He just gave me the finger!!! That pompous little sea weed eating, filthy water dwelling moss hogger!

I only lost to him because I made one small error that too because the astrology software on my computer is wrong! Not me! I’m correct! It was the software’s fault!

I had predicted that Spain would lose because Kirk Raashee was bad for them and Germany’s Mesh Rashee was in a good position but the software screwed up! That’s why I failed to notice that Vrishik Raashee had moved into the 3rd Mangal house for Spain which is why they won!!

Paul isn’t even a real astrologer! He’s a FAKE astrologer!

I’m challenging Paul to a steel cage match right now! I mean right now! Come on fish bag, you and me lets go!!


After reading these reports from my focus group I have only 1 thing to say.

I am the Greatest Football Player in the Universe.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Rehman Malik : EVIDENCE LOVER --- An Epic Blade

In light of recent developments in neighboring Pakistan I have been buying vast caches of CENTER FRESH CHEWING GUM.

Read the following letter/guide which by the way is also a BLADE from Pakistan Interior Minister Rehman Malik to know why I’m buying up every packet of Center Fresh I can lay my royal hands on.

If you don’t know what BLADE means than read through the guide below patiently and by the time you’re done with it,I’m sure you’ll know what BLADE means.

This blade is simply way too epic to be a normal blade. It is without doubt the greatest blade of all time. It is an Epic blade!

It is so epic that it should be kept in a museum like The Ramayana, The Mahabharata and The Lord Of The Rings so that future generations come to know what and how an Epic blade is written and explained.



Dear Greatest Person Rakesh,

You probably know me as the interior minister of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. I come from the same country as Shoaib Malik who recently married female tennis player Sania Mirza from India. Please read through this explanation I have assembled painstakingly for your convenience.

1.] Explaining EVIDENCE : The Need To Write This Letter

As you know I recently held many a round of talks over tea and biscuits with The Indian Home Minister Palaniappan Chidambaram here in Islamabad.

We discussed many things like the weather, general everyday developments like who got eliminated this week on Indian Idol, the latest Bollywood films like Raavan and present pop culture phenomenon like The Backstreet Boys and N*Sync .They may be long gone but here in Pakistan they are popular as always!!

Oh yeah, there were also discussions about terrorism, 26/11, Hafiz Saeed, infiltration by us across the LoC, etc, etc but these are very minor issues.

The purpose of me writing this to your esteemed self is not to however discuss what I discussed with the famed proponent of the English language and Lungi Fashion Model Mr. Chidambaram.

It is to highlight to you and your countrymen something far more important. An important aspect of Pakistan government policy which has been widely Misunderstood, Misquoted, Misinterpreted, Misreferenced and generally perceived as a Mistake.

I am of course referring to the Central Core of Our Foreign Affairs doctrine and something that I personally pioneered in the history of Pakistan.

I am talking about my love for EVIDENCE.

2.] The Role Of EVIDENCE In My Life

On a personal level everyone knows me as a fine connoisseur of good quality EVIDENCE. Many people on this planet have hobbies .Some collect stamps, some collect coins, some collect pirated DVD’s but I collect EVIDENCE.

EVIDENCE of all kinds. EVIDENCE from all countries and EVIDENCE of all types whether they be bullet shells, rubber tyres,name plates, written letters, soiled handkerchiefs or even dossiers. I am the world’s largest private collector of EVIDENCE and my personal collection of EVIDENCE is antique and modern. Last year it was valued by a reputed auction house for well over millions.

EVIDENCE is the basis of all life because otherwise how does one know if something said to be done has been done?

What is the proof that the act has been committed?

For me EVIDENCE is more than a hobby .It is my way of life. It is my religion. My passion and my obsession.

I consider myself blessed because my job as Pakistan’s Interior Minister allows me to combine my duties as minister with my love for EVIDENCE. It gives me access to the world’s best EVIDENCE and the authority to ask for it in my capacity as a government official simultaneously furthering my love for and reputation as an EVIDENCE lover.

3.] Appreciating EVIDENCE : A Constant Conundrum

EVIDENCE loving is a difficult skill. Not everyone can appreciate the quality and the need for good EVIDENCE. It is for this reason that whenever I ask for EVIDENCE say in case of terrorist acts like 26/11 from your government repeatedly, I am constantly subject to ridicule and scorn by many in India.

People believe me to be a hypocrite .Someone that asks others for EVIDENCE but in his own life is satisfied with regular assurances.

I promise you that this is not the case. It is to clear this misunderstanding that I am writing this analysis on EVIDENCE and its virtues.

4.] My Personal Struggle: The Incident Regarding EVIDENCE Which Changed My Life

For a long time in my life I used to be a sad little child. I used to roll up alongside my bedroom wall and crawl into the fetal position. For the first seven years of my life I was miserable and sunk in an ocean of sadness and desperation.

I couldn’t eat properly nor sleep. I roamed the streets of my neighborhood in agony, my heart pining away for some solace every miserable second of my boyhood life.

The reasons for my sadness become clear to me only when my mind grew mature enough. One day the realization dawned on me that the reason I was sad was because despite being a creature on earth I never existed in flesh and blood.

In other words I had never been born!

Despite being here I was still not here because where

was the EVIDENCE that I indeed had been born?

It was this deep rooted question of my very existence which was surfacing in my behavior. It was the reason I was so sad all the time. It was the reason I spent every moment of my life as a young boy confused, saddened and forever drowned in the agony of not existing at all!

It had never ever been enough for me that my body and mind alone were proof of my existence. I sought more to convince myself that I was indeed a person, that I was also a human being, a consciousness bound in flesh with a living soul!

I simply searched for the EVIDENCE of my EXISTENCE.

When I finally mustered the courage to tell my parents about my sadness and quizzed them about my existence I found my answer.

I still remember the day when they called me to their room and presented me with my first dossier. As I opened the dossier I anticipated that something wonderful was about to happen and indeed it did!

I glanced into the opened dossier and read the white paper that lay within it. It was a registered government document complete with the seal of the hospital I had been delivered in and an attested stamp from the district administration of Rawalpindi.

As I read my own name in the document, my gender and time of birth I realized what I was staring at.

It was the cure for my sadness. The truth I had been searching for ever since I was a small baby. It was the proof of my being.

It was my birth certificate. The EVIDENCE of my EXISTENCE !!!!!!!!!

It was only after I had seen my birth certificate with my own two eyes that I finally believed that I was indeed born. That I was a boy because that was the gender specified in the certificate! That I had 2 legs and 2 arms and that I weighed 2 kilograms when I was born!

5.] EVIDENCE can make the world a better place!

All because I had found the EVIDENCE that I was a human being and not a Buffalo, I became happy and since that day I’ve been an EVIDENCE LOVER forever trying to appreciate the role that EVIDENCE played at that point in my life.

EVIDENCE is the reason I am not sad anymore.

EVIDENCE saved me.

EVIDENCE made me happy again!

EVIDENCE is my reason for existing!

EVIDENCE is my joy!

EVIDENCE is my be all and end all!!!

Heck! EVIDENCE is my life !!!

And it is to get my fellow brothers and sisters across the world to be happy like me that I so fervently request, demand and ask for EVIDENCE from everyone I meet so that I may share the EVIDENCE with one and all and ultimately make this world a better place!

Because EVIDENCE is one such force and power that can end all fighting. It is the unifying force to all mankind that can bring us together thus allowing our children to live together in peace!

A world united by EVIDENCE is the biggest EVIDENCE that EVIDENCE is the greatest thing in the History of History.

It is for this reason that I ask so much EVIDENCE from India about the 26/11 attack, EVIDENCE about Hafiz Saeed and EVIDENCE about everything else so that India and Pakistan can stop fighting and live peacefully as two countries united by their love of EVIDENCE!

6.] Farting: A Practical Example Of Using EVIDENCE In Everyday Life

EVIDENCE is not just about bringing people together. It’s also about making life easier for you and me.

EVIDENCE provides ways by which problems of everyday life can be understood much more easily.

Let me quote an example from my everyday activities:

Whenever I get up I try to exercise and keep myself fit by going for a walk.

Whenever I walk, sometimes I fart or I exit gas from my bum hole


To the outside world or even to me what is the proof that I have farted?

Is it the sound?

Is it the smell?

Because both do not comprehensively prove that gas from my ass has happened!!

Especially if someone else is also walking or jogging with me- it could be that he has farted, not me!

Some will say that the proof is the sound of farting but the sound can be a recorded sound that someone is playing via a stereo near my backside to fool others into thinking that I have passed gas!

This is where EVIDENCE comes in.

When a fart is made there is the sound and the smell but to make the EVIDENCE complete the one who makes the fart REMEMBERS the fact that he and not anyone else has exited gas from his own bum hole.

So it is important to REMEMBER.

So basically EVIDENCE is the memory of fart!

It’s simple really, with practice anyone can learn to get the EVIDENCE that they have farted. And not only fart but other things also!!!!

7.] EVIDENCE As A Definitive Guide To Validating Pregnancy

In our society there are both men and women.

Women are the ones that become pregnant. From outward appearances many women appear pregnant but what is the EVIDENCE that some women are indeed pregnant?

Some women just look fat and appear pregnant. People think they are pregnant but in reality they are not! They just look like that!

In some cases women show photos and ultrasound scans that they are pregnant but what is the EVIDENCE that the growing baby is a result of pregnancy?

For all you know that woman might have actually swallowed a baby by mistake and is now going around town telling people she is pregnant when the fact is she isn’t pregnant but has a baby stuck in her stomach because she swallowed that baby by mistake!

In cases of pregnancy therefore EVIDENCE has very important uses also!

8.] My Books – Educating The World About EVIDENCE

As an EVIDENCE lover it is but natural that I educate the world about EVIDENCE so I encourage everyone to buy my series of books on EVIDENCE available through Telebrands for all age groups and all kinds of people written in an easy to read format. Credit card payments are accepted and if you order now you’ll even get a FREE SLIM SAUNA BELT exclusively from Telebrands!

Some of the titles in my EVIDENCE book series include:

EVIDENCE Loving For Dummies

How To Be A Good EVIDENCE Lover

EVIDENCE Loving For The Common Man

EVIDENCE Loving For Kids

EVIDENCE Loving For Women

How To Use Dossiers As An Effective Tool To Gather EVIDENCE

101 Pathbreaking Stories On How EVIDENCE Changed My Life

And my personal favorite -

A Retrospective Analysis Of The History Of EVIDENCE In Our Lives – A Scientific Study. Foreword By Hafiz Saeed And Special Contributions From Dawood Ibrahim And Maulana Masood Azhar

9.] EVIDENCE as a bridge between India and Pakistan

After having explained all my theories about EVIDENCE I am sure that you must by now believe in EVIDENCE and its power just as I do.

I personally want to thank the Indian government for giving the Pakistani establishment such wonderful EVIDENCE about 26/11.I for one am truly privileged to have so many dossiers bearing EVIDENCE from India!

I am sure that as India gives us more EVIDENCE our friendship will only increase as all our problems can be solved by India giving us EVIDENCE and we Pakistanis building the world’s biggest library to be filled with all of the dossiers that India give us! All bearing wonderful EVIDENCE!

Because when it comes to India and Pakistan :

“ Its About Building Our Relationship And Becoming Friends By Exchanging EVIDENCE One Dossier At A Time”

“By Exchanging The DOSSIER We Can Become DOST YAAR!”

10.] In Closing

EVIDENCE loving is a vast field which cannot be covered in this letter alone! It would take many a lifetime to completely explain everything about EVIDENCE.

But through this guide I have made an earnest effort to educate one and all about EVIDENCE using incidents from my own life.

I hope that it comes in handy to all and also clear the air about why I ask for so much EVIDENCE from India when it comes to terror incidents like 26/11, etc and removes the misconception that Pakistan is only using the excuse that the lack of EVIDENCE is the reason why terrorist on our soil are not being punished.

It is necessary to know that EVIDENCE is much bigger than everything else in the world. Our society must strive to become a world that is built on the beauty of EVIDENCE.

Karan Johar has already announced to me that he plans to make EVIDENCE the central story in his next film ‘Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum Part 2 – Its All About Loving Your EVIDENCE’ .

I pray that the film is a big hit in both India and Pakistan.

Here’s wishing both our countries the best of luck and a new bond of love and friendship through a shared understanding and appreciation of EVIDENCE!!!

Rehman Malik


Any normal man after reading this epic blade would have gotten his Bheja Fried but ahem! I’m not normal .I’m awesome! And I inhabit the stock markets where I listen to BLADE on a daily basis.

So to deal with this Rehman Malik fellow I bought truckloads of CENTER FRESH CHEWING GUM and stuffed all of them down Rehman Malik’s throat because when it comes to dealing with blade nothing works better than CENTER FRESH CHEWING GUM.


Center Fresh = Blade Proof

Now That’s EVIDENCE!

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