ACP Pradyuman – “We Can Solve Any Case In 42 Minutes Flat”

Do you read the paper? I do. Better still I own one .Recently I was reading this from The Jhunjhunwala Times.

Mumbai| Correspondent Sharmila Tripurasundari Sharma Behen

‘NATIONAL PERSON’ Assistant Commissioner of Police Pradyuman aka ACP Pradyuman is an extremely happy man. Beaming from his left ear continuing the beam all the way to his right ear intermittently displaying his impeccably white frontal teeth, he chats quite chattily about his favorite Chaat hangouts in Chhattisgarh.

“I Like Pani Puri,Dahi Puri,Sev Puri and even Masala Puri.Incidentally I enjoy watching films with Om Puri and I’m married to a woman who makes excellent puri’s. So basically I’m a very Puri person” ,he quips quite wittily much to the amazement of amazed people.

It’s a rare sight to catch ACP Pradyuman in such a good mood, as the man who heads India’s toughest and most successful crack team of super elite detectives the CID or the Crime Investigation Division, he hardly ever finds time to chat about Chaats or pretty much anything in general .

Anointed with the prestigious title OF ‘NATIONAL PERSON’ by the Government of India, ACP Pradyuman is lovingly and respectfully known as ‘Sir’ to his colleagues and non colleagues alike.

But for the rest of India he will always be ACP Pradyuman whose dealings with the scourge of crime has become the stuff that legends are made of. So successful has his team been that their chronicles have run and continue to do so everyday on Sony Entertainment Television popularly also known as Sony TV.

Senior Inspector Daya ,ACP Pradyuman’s right hand man who prefers to stand by choice near ACP Pradyuman’s left hand adds quite refreshingly “See people are under the false impression that CID is actually a make believe fictitious organization which exists only on TV. They fail to understand that we are real police officers,rostered by the government working for the CID,whose actions are captured in motion by video cameras possessing motion capture technology.”

Fellow Senior Inspector Abhijit, another right hand man of ACP Pradyuman who unlike Senior Inspector Daya likes to stand near ACP Pradyuman’s right hand chimes in “So in essence CID is actually in fact India’s first reality TV show. Not Mtv roadies or poadies or something like that.”

“Yes indeed, we can solve any case in 42 minutes flat. Whether it be murder, kidnap, theft, acCIDent, molestation, missing person ,anything.Forty two minutes, hear me 42 minutes is all that we require to solve the case and put the bloody criminals behind bars” roars a frighteningly confident ACP Pradyuman.

Sub Inspector Vivek, the rookie of the group eagerly says “It is a dream of any young policeman to serve in the CID especially under ACP Pradyuman. I have learnt so many things from the team which aren't taught at the Academy. For example I have learnt that while solving a crime, the investigating officers should always put their hands on their hips.”

“At first I didn’t understand it but then Inspector Abhijit told me that by placing one’s hands on his hips and displaying your broad chest simultaneously, you automatically improve the blood flow to your brains which in turn renders better investigative potential”

Sub Inspector Fredricks, the funny one in the group adds “Yes, the ‘hands on hips’ technique is actually an Ayurvedic and yogic Indian exercise. These foreign cops don’t know the benefits, that’s why they act so funny all the time. Let them show if they can solve a case in 42 minutes”

Inspector Abhijit reiterates “Had the Americans told us to investigate the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden the CID would have found him by now. Even now if they request us we can find him within the next 42 minutes”

IIM lover and Management Executive,IIM Kapoor weighs in with his insight “Look, Don’t Fu#K With CID,CID Is The Best And I Love CID Because CID Kicks Ass.”

“Many think that because we have such a high success rate our team is refused promotions but the fact of the matter is everyone among us refuse our own promotions to a higher rank in order to avoid being transferred and for Pradyuman Sir, if he becomes Commissioner then he has to sit behind a desk and the team will lose a brilliant mind so he himself volunteered to sacrifice his promotion and we too followed so we can catch the bloody evil criminals” says Inspector Daya clearing up misconceptions as his eyes well up in admiration for his boss ACP Pradyuman.

Asked to explain a little more about their investigation technique and how they manage to solve any case in 42 minutes, ACP Pradyuman deliberates “Every crime begins when the show begins, essentially our show is one hour but because of the ads the actual run time is 42 minutes. So within that time we will solve the case. Yes, sometimes we have a two part special but even then it is only 42 minutes. We embrace technology fully, so it makes investigation faster.”

Forensic laboratory head Doctor Salunkhe chips in “We have the latest technology available, latest hardware, latest software. Our fingerprint database can match fingerprints in as little as 15 seconds. We can get blood test results in 60 seconds and DNA results in 90 seconds. There is nothing our software can’t handle.CID is indeed the best.”

He further adds “When we hold training sessions for Delhi Police or UP Police they are always surprised at the lightning speed of our computers. Even famous foreign film director James Cameron was so impressed with our image technology that he used it extensively in his film Avatar.”

But computers no matter how fast cannot compensate for human aggression. Every criminal caught by CID quivers in his boots at the very mention of the PATENTED STARE of ACP Pradyuman, now being chronicled by medical researchers worldwide for its radical truth producing effects.

Inspector Daya explains “Sir’s stare is more advanced than any Narco test or lie detector test. He simply looks at you with one eyebrow raised and you pour out your deadliest secrets. It’s the most devastating form of hypnosis ever present or used in crime investigation. If he stares at you, you are guaranteed to tell the truth, guaranteed.”

“And once we solve the case the Criminals know that their time is up with Sir’s stare staring a hole right through the very depths of their vile, putrid, crime filled interiors.” Reinforces Inspector Abhijit.

Suddenly ACP Pradyuman’s cell phone rings and the team rushes off to solve another crime. Thank you NATIONAL PERSON ACP Pradyuman, The Jhunjhunwala Times salutes you. As long as you and your team are on the job, criminals watch out. Thank you CID, Jai Hind!

Because When It Comes To Lathi Charging,No One WHOOPS YOUR ASS Better Than Uttar Pradesh Police

Do you know what chai-pani is?

If you give chai-pani to certain people then your work gets done. For all the educated Harvard types reading this who are wondering what chai-pani is and are currently googling it to find out, I’ll explain it to you.

In common parlance we Indians refer to bribes as chai-pani. It is an institutionalized form of money transfer much better than any system ever created or to be created.Clean, simple, efficient. Everything passed under the table or transferred from Swiss bank accounts while buying Italian and German guns assembled in China, service warranty made in Taiwan and IT support provided by Bangalore and here’s the best thing no stupid service charges or transfer fees, so foreign banks can piss off except Shinsei bank with whom I have a joint venture.

Anyway this is not about chai-pani. It is about Malpani.

Malpani is a doctor; he has a wife who is also a doctor. They are ordinary folk whom I have privileged with my friendship.

Recently they had a party because their daughter won an Oxford fellowship.

I can’t tell you where the party was because it was a private affair but if you want to know then ask one of the many paparazzi who were there .One of them got wind of the fact that I was showing up and when I did show up they clicked my photo. Nishtha was completely unhappy, she wanted to pounce on them and bite them.

I was double angry because all my Van Heusen S-98 white silk shirts had gone for wash so I had to make do with an ordinary blue shirt. Just like I challenged Narayan Murthy I would have challenged these paparazzi to a steel cage match if Nishtha hadn’t already obliterated them by then.

I had already contacted mini-j to find out if this particular paparazzo had any investments, I planned to reduce their market value to zero in addition to cancelling his LIC Life Insurance Policy and getting CB Bhave to pass a SEBI order accusing this fellow of having a hand in the Satyam Scam. Nobody messes with Jhunjhunwala, I will find innovative ways of making your existence even more miserable than that of the fellow who promised to marry Rakhi Sawant.

But my dear wife held me back, she is so good. She just obliged with her 8000 megawatt smile enough to power more villages than all of India’s power companies. But the fact that I was photographed in a blue shirt is appalling.

Also present at the Malpani party was the megastar of blockbuster Marathi film ‘Sawat Majhi Ladki’, Varsha Usgaonkar.

Since the markets are closed on weekends all these activist people show up at my doorstep and annoy me. They keep asking for money whether it’s for global warming, ‘Save The Earthworms Campaign’, ‘Wear Banana Skin Chappals’,and then There’s The Worst Kind – Feminists And Their Never Ending List Of Women’s Causes Like ‘Women Should Be Allowed To Play Video Games’, ‘Allow 33% Reservation For Women In Reality Shows Not Applicable For Khatron Ke Khiladi Which Is 99% Reservation’,

‘Observe National Women’s That Time Of Month Day’, ‘Erect Statue To Highlight Barkha Dutt’s Efforts To Promote The Indian Feminist Movement’, ‘Legalize The Term Male Chauvinist Pig’, ‘Men Should Wax Their Legs To Know What Women Go Through When They Remove Armpit Hair’.

Oh my God! It’s never ending.

One such activist is Mr.Prakash Padukone. Now I know that Mr.Padukone is India’s greatest badminton player and everything but in all seriousness it is not my responsibility to ensure that India wins more medals at the Olympics. It’s the responsibility of the sports minister and the government.

I’ve already said that the international Olympic committee should include more sports in which we Indians excel like pissing.

But Mr.Padukone cornered me at the Malpani party and to get rid of him I told him that I would sponsor his OGQ or Olympic Gold Quest program whose job is to fund talented athletes and help them win gold medals.

However, I told Mr.Padukone that I insist that the UP Police are included under the OGQ Program and that he make efforts to have the sport of ‘LATHI CHARGING’ be included in the 2012 Olympics.

Why? Just read this pamphlet being circulated on the Bombay Stock Exchange:-

‘Dear Mr.Jhunjhunwala,

We the UP Police have heard that you were at the Malpani party where you were troubled by the paparazzi.

But this is not about Malpani; it is about chai-pani.

We request that UP Police be allowed to participate in the 2012 Olympics in disciplines like Chai-Pani Transfer and Lathi Charging.

We are the best Lathi Chargers in the country and must be given quota under the OGQ scheme.

When it comes to lathi charging, there is no one better than the ISO-9079-2009-Section-c recognized, 5 stars rated, and pioneers of the Indian lathi charging movement:

UTTAR PRADESH POLICE.

Just put it like this, WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you are in the opposition party WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you are in the ruling party WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you’re sleeping we’ll come to your house, wake you up and WHOOP YOUR ASS.

No discrimination, man, woman or street dog WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Teacher’s Day.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Father’s Day.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Mother’s Day.

And on Valentines Day, it’s free for all, WE WILL DEFINITELY WHOOP YOUR ASS.

365 days a year, WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

We don’t need a reason to WHOOP YOUR ASS.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the morning.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the afternoon.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the evening.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the night.

We’ll do it free because we have a passion for LATHI CHARGING.

Look at this 100% real testimonial:

“My friends and I were planning to steal a post box but Uttar Pradesh police saw me and whooped my ass, now it hurts whenever I go to the toilet ,both frontside and backside, thanks UP POLICE”

And if you send us to the Olympics we can guarantee that we will bring back Gold Medals for India.

Our sponsors might change. What was once MRF

Is now ADIDAS.

But quality is forever.

Because when it comes to Lathi Charging no one WHOOPS YOUR ASS better than Uttar Pradesh Police.

Signed,

Prem Prakash,

DIG Lucknow. ’

Bobby-J Says It Was Usman

Rap music is popular, even I can rap:

Yo Yo Yo, rapping is like stock breaking,

You make the MONEY and spend it on the HONEY,

And then you invest it in more stocks…..

One of the world’s most famous rappers is Bobby-J. For those who don’t know Bobby-J is an American politician. He is presently the governor of an American state called Louisiana.

I know Bobby-J because he is the estranged brother of my assistant/laundry boy,Mini-J.

Bobby-J and Mini-J were born on the night of a lunar eclipse. They got separated at birth and grew up into two separate people with almost identical DNA. Mini-J stayed back in India while Bobby-J became an American politician. Years later they met at a railway station and discovered that they had a birthmark on the back of their necks.

They also realized that they both talked like weasels and have faces that look like deep fried monkey butt. Thus they came to the conclusion that they were both brothers who were separated at birth.

This is when they shook hands, went to the opposite ends of the railway platform and ran towards each other at 120km/hour shouting “BHAIYYA….AA…..AAA…...AAA”.

I got to laugh when they banged into each other, broke their teeth and landed in hospital for a week.

Both Bobby-J and Mini-J have another thing in common. They both work for me. Everybody knows what Mini-J does.

But, Bobby-J is my top secret spy in America. As a member of the Republican Party he finds ways to defeat Barack Obama and since he’s a rapper he gets to perform whenever the Republicans party.

In time Bobby-J could become the President of the USA and since he works for me that would in effect make me the king of the planet.

This is what I call long term investing, I invest in Bobby-J now and in 2012 my investment matures and I get to rule the world.

Bobby-J has been feeding me exclusive details of the attack on the Sri Lankan team in Lahore.

But how would an Indian born American governor of Louisiana get to know about the attack by Pakistanis on Sri Lankans in Pakistan?

It’s simple because here in India or Pakistan or Sri Lanka we like to have criminal cases investigated by American investigative agencies like the FBI and CIA.They know before us what’s happened.

Zardari will now go and ask Obama for money saying “See I told you, we are also a victim of terror, now give me money for military aid, preferably 700 Billion Dollars.”

The more Obama gives to Zardari = lesser for company bailouts and the lesser for bailouts =more number of bankruptcies .More the number of bankruptcies =lesser is the value of my own portfolio.

Now that can’t happen can it?

This is why Bobby-J is stationed in America to inform me about all the stupid crap that the Americans are pulling.

Now the Pakistanis have already said that there is a foreign hand involved in the Lahore attack. According to them the foreign hand looks something like this:

What the American investigation has revealed is that the man responsible for the Lahore attack is a dangerous third rate cricketer called Usman Afzal.

Usman Afzal has always been jealous of Sri Lankan Thilan Samaraweera.It is because of Thilan that Afzal didn’t get an IPL contract.

His jealousy only increased when Thilan Samaraweera scored two consecutive double hundreds against Pakistan. He then declared a fatwa on Samaraweera.

The terrorists who accepted the fatwa therefore shot at Thilan but could only injure his leg.

Now Usman is really pissed, the terrorists couldn’t get rid of Thilan and his girlfriend Amrita Arora found out about Usman’s fatwa and decided to punish him by marrying someone else.

As far as my investment in Bobby-J goes,

“I Always Knew My Investment In Bobby-J Was A Good Deal.

I Never Doubted It Even For A Minute.”