Hello, Rakesh Jhunjhunwala Now Comes With 25% Extra!!!

There are people who say “ALWAYS GIVE A 100 %” in whatever endeavors you undertake. I’ll tell these people right now that they are wrong! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG and more WRONG Dammit! Whatever I say is right and right now I am saying that one must never give a 100%. Rather they must always give 25%.

This is why I made an announcement recently that I intend to give 25% of my wealth away towards charity and the betterment of society.

I mean I have so much money that even Mukesh Ambani borrows from me. Who do you think keeps Reliance's shares on the BSE Sensex huh? So 25 percent is not going to affect me much. I can buy this whole planet, this whole solar system, this whole galaxy and if needed the entire universe if I wanted with the remaining 75% and still have enough cash to lead the high rolling, stake holding, gold bearing, diamond owning, yacht sailing, jet riding, snow skiing, Rolls racing, Helicopter flying, Samosa eating, booze guzzling, red carpet pimping, Note crunching Legendary Investor life that I already lead....RIGHT.

But this 25 percent will make a difference in the lives of those who need it. I am glad that in a country where poverty is a way of life 1 super awesome fantastic human being jumped forth from the drudgery of the melancholy of society to herald a beacon of kindness and philanthropy to the multitudes of poverty thereby inspiring even the inspired to a state of giving.

I am the giver of givers, the kindest of the kind, the coolest of the cool, the awesomest of the awesome and the humblest of the humble! Oh glorious day! I make myself spill tears of joy at the sheer ecstatic pleasurable benevolence of my supremely supreme wonderful mega giving nature.

But why 25%? Why not 24% or 26% or even 47.876543901353749407153380245731%??????

The answer is simple. Marvel at the mathematical precision of this wonderful percentage called 25. For starters take a look at this picture of Rakhi Sawant:

Now look at Rakhi Sawant's CHEST AREA WITH 25 % EXTRA.

This clearly demonstrates the power of 25 percent. Nonetheless for the sake of convenience I shall re-explain.

Here is Anil Kapoor with normal percentage of Chest Hair:

Now look at Anil Kapoor with 25% EXTRA CHEST HAIR.

Still don't get it? Then this will make things even clearer. Forget Anil Kapoor; now look at Sonam Kapoor with normal chest hair:

Now look at Sonam Kapoor with 25% EXTRA CHEST HAIR.

See! This is why 25% is such a magical figure and it is by philanthropy-izing alone that a suitable tribute can be paid to this wonderfully wonderful harmony of numerals juxtaposed into a percentage syntax.

Now watch and listen to this mega danceable song from ‘Heyy Babyy’ which also has 25% more!
 

The 28 Year Journey

Back in 1983 I was a young Chartered Accountant. Out of Sydenham College Bombay, It was a different time. I’d hang around the Bombay Stock Exchange which was then a temple without a God. Like a barren colossus it stood on Dalal Street waiting everyday for its ruler.  I was not as rich as I am today. I wasn’t a billionaire a billion times over. I wasn’t the World’s 993^rd Richest Man but then as now I remain the world’s sexiest, most humble, charismatic, sexiest (again), strongest, bravest human being to have ever walked this planet.

But back then I already knew what I continue to know today – I Always Knew I Was Going To Be Rich, I Never Doubted It For A Minute.

Point is that in 1983 when I was still a virtual unknown, no one gave me a shot at becoming the God of the markets. They laughed at me; they ridiculed me, called me names and said that a guy like me could never make it big on Dalal Street.

These days those very same people bow down and salute me. They stand in line one by one and chant my name out of everything from respect to adoration to honor to even contempt and envy and they wonder. Amazement drips from their brains trying to comprehend how this simple boy from Bandra went on to become the biggest ass kicker in the history of the stock markets .My greatness even had a mustache during that period.

A lot of things happened in the 80’s but there’s one event which stands out in my memory like a crystal clear fountain in a sandy desert. This one:

I saw Kapil Dev lift India’s first World Cup In 1983 on a small black and white television. Mumbai partied wild that night. We were out on the streets gobbling golgappas, vada pavs and samosas outside the Bombay Stock Exchange. There was liquor too, not the fancy kind we see today, just the regular good old desi daru.

28 years later, just like millions across the country I watched a similar moment. A different captain, a different team at a different time but what I felt was similar – Absolute bloody Nirvana!!!!!

We’ve been partying in INDIA ever since. The night of the victory I was at the Taj along with the rest of the Indian Team. We partied like crazy!!!!! I mean – CRAZY!!!!!

Have you ever seen God with a World Cup? No? Well, here’s what it looks like:

Wait, let me show you again:

Sachin and the entire team thanked ME for being such a great inspiration to them. Dhoni told me that it was my faith in them that led them to believe that they could indeed become World Champions.

I Am Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Happy That WE ARE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS…….RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am happy that everyone has also followed to the tee the brilliant instruction protocol for World Cup viewing that I promulgated.

Since April 2^nd India has been partying. That legendary night of April 2^nd,we partied so hard that we changed the very spin of the earth. The planet konked off its axis unable to bear the burden of a Ginormous multitude of party people.

And now I’ve taken the World Cup Trophy and put it up on my horns. You can see them everytime my greatness makes a greatness filled tweet .

I also decided to honor this Epic once in a lifetime Epoch moment by mounting the World Cup on my Rolls-Royce Phantom Conquistador. So I got the most spectacular,pimptacular,foshizzle,ching ching,bling bling mechanic in all of the world. Flew him down from LA in my obscenely expensive Private Jet which is bigger than the entire country of Sri Lanka whom we defeated in the finals and had the World Cup mounted on the hood of my Royce.My Rolls Royce bears the World's Coolest Hood Ornament.

Now if you see the World Cup on a Rolls Royce driving on Marine Drive, hell all of Mumbai and India even then you know it belongs to My Greatness.

Remember these faces people. They are the ones who made it happen:

 WORLD CHAMPIONS.

The World’s Kindest Person

Ever since I can remember I have been The World’s Kindest Person.

My heart is filled with so much goodness, grace and benevolence that appreciation for all life simply pours forth from this ridiculously good looking body.

I have turned down the Nobel Peace Prize an incredible 78 times simply because I don’t want the unnecessary attention for being such an exemplary example of a fantastic, kind, generous being ever ready to help my fellow human.

I am the most humble person in history. Every single person who has read My Secret Journal knows for a fact that I never make a big deal about my phenomenal achievements .They know that I always keep a low profile.

See I’m Not an Attention Seeker; I’m An Attention Getter. It’s A Side Effect of Greatness.

Recently I was approached by eBay the website and ET NOW the business channel for a charity lunch auction wherein the highest bidder would be privileged with the distinguishingly epic gargantuan once in an epoch path breaking generation changing life altering phenomenal eureka moment of deliverance in being able to dine at lunch with ME.

Yes, ME.

I am the World’s Greatest Investor but I am also the World’s Greatest Eater. In fact when ET NOW first approached me I misheard the name as EAT NOW.

The winning bid was an astonishing never ever before even heard of 14.2 lakh rupees (local taxes and VAT extra)

You will in time see me dining in the charity lunch on ET/EAT NOW

The stock broker who made the winning bid is a guy from Gujarat named Anirudh Sethi and he is right now in a coma. A coma he fell into unable to believe that his amount had indeed earned him the privilege, the exhilarating experience of dining with MY GREATNESS. The doctors have informed me that he will recover in time for the lunch.

Now, when he comes down to Mumbai I could treat him to a wonderful lunch anywhere right from the Taj to the Street Chats at Chowpatty.

I can order the new and improved Kitchen King from Telebrands which prepares everything in under 15 minutes and treat him to a wonderful array of tasty dishes prepared on the Kitchen King by my expert entourage of expert chefs!

Heck, I can even offer the guy sawdust with water melon seeds and he would just bawl over it. His salivary glands will work overtime in processing the fine ground powder and his brain will project an illusion of the most awesome meal he has ever had simply because the one with whom he dines with is me.

Yes, ME.

All of this money will go towards a charity based in Bangalore because like I already said: I am the kindest greatest man ever with a heart of compassion. I mean I’m not just great looking and incredibly super rich; I have a heart of gold. I can literally replace my cardiac muscle with an actual heart of gold.

The charity lunch will occur and By God it will be the greatest charity lunch of all time.

And with Diwali coming up I am gonna burst crackers …..right.

One must always appreciate Diwali and never ever give up the opportunity to make as much noise as possible, eat as many sweets and savories as possible , attend as many business channel Samvat shows as possible, WEAR as many new clothes as possible, spend time with The J Twins,Nishtha,Rekha And Mom.

Overall just put the biggest DHAMAKA ever on this festive season the likes of which the world has never seen before.

I Am Off To Celebrate Diwali.

Dear Readers, Here’s Wishing You All A Great, Happy and Wonderful Diwali. May This Festive Season bring you and Your Family Loads of Happiness and Prosperity.

OYE PATAKA JALAO YAAR! NOISE POLLUTION BABY, COME ON! ALL THAT GLOBAL WARMING ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN BY ITSELF.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Yes,ME.