8 Meaningless Bullshit Political Phrases Which Will Make You Look Smart On TV

My Bullish personality was something I was born with. The talent has run rampant on the Markets for the past 2 and a half decades spreading like a blazing inferno devouring a forest doused in the most combustible Petrol truly leading me to be the GOD of the Markets.

However, all this talent was never taken for granted .I sharpened it each second like a knife sharpener slowly and surely grinding the steel of the blade on the leather strop till it became so sharp it would easily slice through anything like a hot knife through butter and I continue to do the same even now.

It's called GENIUS.

But in order to see that which others cannot one must develop the skills needed. For a Bull in the market it's necessary to cut through the BULLSHIT.

The real meaning of what is being said must be inferred. Of course in the realm of politics as in finance the distinction between that which is said and that which the spoken word actually intends to say must be understood.

Take the case of all the political dudes on TV. All yapping their mouths off .What they say is specifically designed to let you from knowing the actuality of the things you ask them.

Take a look at these 8 phrases:

  

“The matter has been quoted out of context"

What this Bullshit means: Implies there is some unknown context here magically floating around in the atmosphere which only the immense intelligence of the speaker can grasp. Every other layman is a presumed dumbass because he or she has no goddamn clue about the context and how to quote facts and sentences within it. Inevitably leads to the effect that the subject never said anything moronic in the first place and the mistake is entirely the listener's for not being able to perceive the said 'context' properly.

" All allegations are baseless and politically motivated"

What this Bullshit means:Used whenever anyone makes a charge against anyone over anything .

Someone accuses you or someone in your party of bribe, murder, rape, stealing, treason, heck - you're at home and your wife says you didn't lower the toilet seat,blare your lungs out and utter the magic phrase "All allegations are baseless and politically motivated"

"We have left the decision to the party high command"

What this Bullshit means: Said when one is asked about a matter requiring an immediate solution. An expert way of not saying "No one in the Party has the balls to take a decision and are too scared to face the consequences of their action if they ever took it" . Hence this sentence fools the listener into thinking the matter at hand is extremely complex requiring the Combined efforts of the party 'High Command' simultaneously conning one into thinking the speaker is a dutiful slave of the party who will follow whatever orders are passed down unto him/ her.

" We will take appropriate action when the time comes"

What this Bullshit means: The question which resulted in this response would have suggested that something must have happened which would require almost immediate action.

This arrangement of words is designed to fool the listener or reader into thinking that no matter how grave the situation, it is not grave enough yet for something to be done by the authority thereby instilling an understanding that an arrangement is in place to deal with the situation but it will not be used till the aforementioned "appropriate " time occurs.

Of course no one will tell you what the appropriate time is but you will continue to be led on to believe that there is one nonetheless .

"It is unfair on your part to say we have done nothing on our part"

What this Bullshit means: A follow up to " We will take appropriate action when the time comes"

This indicates that whatever required doing has been done or is being done. It is your fault and you are a gangrene infested bastard for not noticing that something has been done.

The genius of this response lies in the fact that if you ask what indeed has been done then you stand accused of being an idiot who is unaware hence proving that "your part" is definitely being unfair in not knowing what has been done by "our part"

" We strongly condemn this attack"

What this Bullshit means: Self explanatory genius Indian patented response to both a domestic and a global crisis. Implies a deep sense of empathy and concern but makes no declaration of responsibility owned before the attack and owed after the attack.

Observe:

Domestic 2006 Mumbai train blasts Bomb blasts in Lucknow,Bangalore ,Varanasi, Hyderabad ,Pune, Etc,etc Naxal attacks in Chhattisgarh,Orissa ,Jharkhand, Andhra Pradesh Terrorism in Kashmir  And of course 26/11 Mumbai attacks

International Unrest in Egypt  Problems in Syria Conflict in Afghanistan Terror in Pakistan Somali Pirates  Etc,etc

" We strongly condemn this attack"

" The matter requires due diligence. We are considering our options"

What This Bullshit means:A super clusterfu*kish statement  supposed to imply a variety of possible solutions being discussed by the establishment and the general sense that the best possible one will be enacted after careful consideration. The reality however is that the guys  have no clue on how to solve the problem because if they did they'd have already done something by now so they'll say things like "diligence" and "consideration" so that you can continue to think they're on the job and not a bunch of headless chickens prancing around .

  

" I cannot comment on this issue"

What this Bullshit means: This classic is so legendary that its premise on issues happening and the lack of comments being offered would only lead to the one who expected the comment to bang his or her head against the wall and die of a fractured skull.

Therefore I too will offer no comment as I cannot comment on this issue.

Now Enjoy My Recent Blockbuster Chart Topping,Mind Boggling,Super Sexy Smash Appearance On ET NOW!

The Naxalite :A Poem

The Naxalite

Is always up for a fight.

Why is it that despite all our might,

We cower in fright?

The approach is to always sit tight.

The whole of 2008 we dealt with terrorists.

The whole of 2009 we seem to be dealing with the Maoists.

This time they hijacked a train

,

Tomorrow it will be a plane.

How many more have to die in vain?

How much longer will India have to deal with this pain?

This one is a writer:

Should one even listen to her?

Just because she has a Man Booker?

Let her throw a hissy fit,

Tell her to stay in her poisonous pit.

Everyone knows she’s full of shit.

What is wrong with her types?

Can’t they see what’s right and what’s wrong?

Has some false sense of righteousness filled their crack pipes?

Something they use to keep getting high with their bong?

The government’s prime approach is to “condemn”

Or better still “strongly condemn”

They prefer it be handled by the Police,

But those guys are equipped the least.

You saw what happened during 26/11.

The terrorist used the AK-47,

While the policeman used the rifle,

The terrorist wasn’t even troubled a trifle.

How can you expect such a one,

To fight the Naxal who cares for none?

Oh sure you’ll give him money for the machine gun,

From twenty years that money is only going towards the MP’s fun.

Even under the eyes of Madam Ji,

Raja is making crores of the spectrum fee.

Of course it’s wrong to use the army,

Even if the Naxal continues to harm me.

For you it’s about support,

Didi has helped to make your UPA fort,

To get rid of the communist,

She sided with the Maoist,

And drove away the industrialist.

Now her hand is being bitten,

By the redheads led by Kishen.

All the killing ,

And blood spilling,

Has not had an effect,

Are you a eunuch with a defect?

Have your balls fallen off?

How much longer will you tolerate the Naxals scoff?

If you were Mahinda Rajapakse;

You wouldn’t listen to one damn thing the Maoist had to say.

For the sake of his country,

He and his army destroyed the LTTE.

You on the other hand,

Act like a boy band.

Singing and dancing to the Naxal’s tune,

They make you look like a hapless cartoon.

Francis Induwar died headless,

His wife became husband-less,

His children fatherless,

All you could do was to say that the violence was “senseless”

What bloody Nonsense!!

When ever there is a pest infestation,

It’s time to call in the extermination.

Only you want to indulge these cockroaches,

And they will continue to burn train coaches.

Send the Maoist philosophy back to China,

With a heavy dose of severe heart angina.

If the Naxals want to play war games,

Then send them up in flames.

These cockroaches want to commit homicide,

Blast them with a heavy dose of insecticide.

Special Observer Status: How Rakesh Jhunjhunwala Saved The BJP

The following is a transcript of a conversation from the BJP’s problem solving session known in Hindi as the ‘Chintan Baithak’ being held currently at Shimla. As a fair and objective, rational, handsome, strong, eloquent human being, I was invited to be an observer.

And considering God Ganesha’s given ability to solve problems, it really looks like I’m the only one who can solve the BJP’s problems and guess what, that’s exactly what I did today.

Presenting Rocky J @ BJP Chintan Baithak.

=================================================================================

Rajnath Singh : Hello everybody, welcome to the BJP Chintan Baithak. Please welcome Special Observer Shri. Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. Jaswant Singh is no longer a part of the party but he will be here via video conference to explain his position. Now let the blames begin.

Arun Jaitley: Rajnath, all I heard was BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! And more BLAH! Conservative dog shit baldy .I should be leader, Advaniji say something.

LK Advani: Screw you guys, I don’t even want to be here. I want to go home, eat pizza, drink coke and watch TV.

Jaitley: Then why don’t you just quit and make me leader.

Advani: I do want to quit you bastards, I’m bloody 81 years old and I quit the day we lost the election but the moment I said that, you bastards started to fight among yourselves all wanting to be leader. If I’d have let that happen, the party would have broken up into a million pieces and Sonia Gandhi would have started dancing.

Murli Manohar Joshi: Whatever man, I should be leader. At the age of 75 I’ve never felt younger.

M.A.Naqvi: No I should be leader not Jaitley or Joshi.

Yashwant Sinha : Shut the fu*k up Naqvi, nobody cares about you, you’re only the symbolic Muslim face of the party because we want the world to know that we’re secular even though we’re secretly controlled by a right wing Hindu organization. The only one who should be leader is me.

Sushma Swaraj: Oh hell no. Kiss my fat ass you piece of shit. You keep leaking letters to the media. Do you know what the party workers are calling you huh? They’re calling you “LETTER LEAKER”.I repeat “LETTER LEAKER”. That’s even worse than being called a “DOLL PRESSER”.

HUTCHINSON.D.PUG: *****I AM NOT A BLOODY DOLL PRESSER*****

Advani: See you’re fighting again.

Venkaiah Naidu: Eh people,what are we going to do about Jaswant Singh?

Rajnath: Okay, activate the video conference and bring Jaswant Singh online.

Jaswant: How are you? All you back stabbing sons of bitches?

Sushma: Oh come on man; don’t tell me you’re still pissed about being expelled from the BJP.

Jaswant: Of course I am, after 30 years I was sacked that too for writing a book .Worse I was sacked over phone.

Rajnath: Stop looking at me you fellows, we’re in a recession. I was trying to save money that’s why I sacked him over the phone.

Jaswant: You humiliated me, baldy!

Naidu: Relax Jaswant, it’s not personal. We thought it would be better if we sacked you over the phone, you’ll be getting your complimentary ‘I was with the BJP for thirty years’ T-shirt and Grain Sack as a symbol for your sacking in the mail, just relax.

Advani: You know Jaswant; ever since we’ve been out of power we’ve run out of money. We need to be in power to make money by taking bribes. All the money we had was blown up during the election campaign. That’s why Rajnath gave you the sack over the phone.

Jaswant: He was extremely impolite okay, he called up and said “Hey Jaswant, You’re Fired, Now Fu*K Off”, he didn’t even give me a reason.

Rajnath: What!! Isn’t it obvious, you wrote that stupid book on Jinnah you fat freak?

Jaswant: Oyey! Don’t say anything about my book baldy, you don’t even know English. You’re only a mass leader. I’m the liberal thinker and strategist.

Jaitley: Oh yeah! you’re definitely a great leader jackass; everyone knows that you’re the dude who screwed up the IC-814 hijack. Nice going.

Jaswant: You’re talking like I hijacked the plane, bastard.

Joshi: Oh yeah, a great thinker’s move to let the plane take off to Kandahar once it landed in Amritsar and what about you personally escorting Masood Azhar, dumbass.

Jaswant: Wait ,who was that who told the party workers to break the Babri Masjid, Oh yeah! that was you Joshi.

Pravin Togadia: RIOT everybody RIOT. Let’s blame the Muslims for the BJP’s infighting and blow up petrol pumps, buses and destroy glass windows, shatter and break faces.

RIOT EVERYBODY, FULL ON VHP STYLE AND LET’S CALL PRAMOD MUTHALIK TO JOIN IN!

LET’S GO PEOPLE, RIOT RIGHT NOW.

Ashok Singhal: Absolutely Togadia and let’s kill Christians as well. Here we go.

Varun Gandhi: I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I’ve been waiting to unveil my brand new ‘Muslim Hand Cutter’ from Telebrands, now only Rs.567/-. Handling and delivery charges extra.

Jaswant : Way to go guys!, so its okay for Varun to use his ‘Muslim Hand Cutter’ and stay in the party but when I say something about Muslims being marginalized In my book, I get expelled . Fantastic. We truly are the party with the difference.

Advani: I know this entire thing is whose fault.

Yashwant: Who?

Advani :That bastard Karan Thapar,He’s the one who nitpicked Jaswant’s brain on TV till Jaswant said those stupid things about his book.Togadia,Singhal go catch that Thapar fellow and burn his fu*kin house down. Then bring him here. I want to torture that rat.

Togadia: HELL YEAH MAN, I’M GONNA GO ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GODHRA ON HIS ASS.

RIOT.

Rajnath: Okay Jaswant, I’ll give you one last chance, withdraw your Jinnah book and you get back to being in the BJP.

Jaswant: Absolutely not, I’ve been working on that book for five years and I got a huge contract to publish that book. There is no way I’m withdrawing that book.

Rajnath: Fine then, you remain fired.

Jaswant: Fine

Rajnath: Fine

Joshi: Fine, Now am I leader or what?

Jailtley: I’m leader...

Sushma: No, I’m leader.

Naidu: No, I’m leader.

Yashwant: Eh Naidu, I’m leader.

Naidu: Bastard, I’ll kill you. Where’s the mic, I’ll bash your head in with this.

Yashwant: BRING IT ON BITCH.

Togadia: RIOT, SINGHAL GET THE PETROL.

SINGHAL: What’s happening, eh who are you?

THUNDER SOUNDS, LIGHTNING CRACKLES.

Rocky J stands up.

Me: Now only I will speak. All of you are being held by the crack elite team of TOPS Security Group. A company I hold a huge stake in.

Now sit your asses down and listen to me.Naidu, put the mic down.

Naidu: Fine.

Me: What the hell is wrong with you guys? Have you forgotten who you are? You are the Bharatiya Janata Party.

Where is the party that used to block Indian roads and cause traffic jams for hours with Rath Yatras huh?

Where is the party that told the US to buzz off and exploded all those nuclear bombs in Pokhran?

Where is the party that fulfilled Pervez Musharraf’s lifelong ambition of seeing the Taj Mahal?

Where is the party that authorized the Army to kick Pakistan’s ass in the Kargil war?

Where is the party that waved bundles of cash on the floor of the Parliament during the trust vote?

Where is the party that used to make Mulayam Singh and Mayawati’s life a living hell?

Advani: Hmmmm, but tell me Jhunjhunwala why are you helping us. I thought you liked the Congress.

Me: Contrary to what you think the only thing I like is DEMOCRACY. If you guys self destruct the whole principle of an opposition party has no meaning. If the BJP breaks down then the main opposition party will be led by the Communists and I’ll be damned if I let that happen.

Jaitley: So what should we do?

Jaswant: And what about my book?

Me: Oh man! Will you just shut the hell up! **** Jaswant Singh, no one is going to even read your bloody book. It’s more than a thousand pages long and Jinnah’s story will never be made into a six part movie franchise like the Harry Potter series.

Firstly, all of you should stop talking about Jinnah, what is it with you guys and Jinnah? Then Advani now Jaswant, Can’t you all just shut up.

Nobody cares about your Jinnah theories and your Ram Temple Issues. Build roads, give people electricity, water and education and they’ll actually vote for you.

Not over these stupid things, you guys look like a bunch of jokers.

Rajnath: Sob, sob you’ve opened my eyes Jhunjhunwalaji, thank you.

I’m sorry all of you, I love you guys, except Jaitley.

Naidu, Yashwant, and Sushma in chorus: We’re sorry too, we love you.

Jaitley: Stop it, you’ll make me cry.

Joshi: But Rakeshji, how do we get out of this current mess with Jaswant. How do we bring him back into the party after having expelled him?

Me: Arre simple yaar! Use your imagination, what do you do whenever something bad happens in India.

Jaswant: We blame the Congress.

Me: Exactly!!

Rajnath: You mean….

Me:

· Of course, say this whole Jinnah thing is caused by the Congress.

• Say that Footage of Jaswant’s interview to Karan Thapar was tampered with.

• Say Jaswant has been misquoted by the media which is under Congress influence.

• Say the Congress is responsible for infighting within the BJP.Say they are bribing party leaders and workers.

• Say the details in Jaswant’s book are wrong, that Jaswant’s real book is lost and that this book is written and published under Jaswant’s name by the Congress party and you want a CBI enquiry into the whole thing.

The possibilities are endless……

Advani: Wow you truly are a genius. Now I know why the markets move to every whim and fancy of yours.

Me: Thank You! But stop fighting.

Just imagine what he’s thinking right now.