Friday, August 21, 2009

Special Observer Status: How Rakesh Jhunjhunwala Saved The BJP

The following is a transcript of a conversation from the BJP’s problem solving session known in Hindi as the ‘Chintan Baithak’ being held currently at Shimla. As a fair and objective, rational, handsome, strong, eloquent human being, I was invited to be an observer.

And considering God Ganesha’s given ability to solve problems, it really looks like I’m the only one who can solve the BJP’s problems and guess what, that’s exactly what I did today.

Presenting Rocky J @ BJP Chintan Baithak.


Rajnath Singh : Hello everybody, welcome to the BJP Chintan Baithak. Please welcome Special Observer Shri. Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. Jaswant Singh is no longer a part of the party but he will be here via video conference to explain his position. Now let the blames begin.

Arun Jaitley: Rajnath, all I heard was BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! And more BLAH! Conservative dog shit baldy .I should be leader, Advaniji say something.

LK Advani: Screw you guys, I don’t even want to be here. I want to go home, eat pizza, drink coke and watch TV.

Jaitley: Then why don’t you just quit and make me leader.

Advani: I do want to quit you bastards, I’m bloody 81 years old and I quit the day we lost the election but the moment I said that, you bastards started to fight among yourselves all wanting to be leader. If I’d have let that happen, the party would have broken up into a million pieces and Sonia Gandhi would have started dancing.

Murli Manohar Joshi: Whatever man, I should be leader. At the age of 75 I’ve never felt younger.

M.A.Naqvi: No I should be leader not Jaitley or Joshi.

Yashwant Sinha : Shut the fu*k up Naqvi, nobody cares about you, you’re only the symbolic Muslim face of the party because we want the world to know that we’re secular even though we’re secretly controlled by a right wing Hindu organization. The only one who should be leader is me.

Sushma Swaraj: Oh hell no. Kiss my fat ass you piece of shit. You keep leaking letters to the media. Do you know what the party workers are calling you huh? They’re calling you “LETTER LEAKER”.I repeat “LETTER LEAKER”. That’s even worse than being called a “DOLL PRESSER”.


Advani: See you’re fighting again.

Venkaiah Naidu: Eh people,what are we going to do about Jaswant Singh?

Rajnath: Okay, activate the video conference and bring Jaswant Singh online.

Jaswant: How are you? All you back stabbing sons of bitches?

Sushma: Oh come on man; don’t tell me you’re still pissed about being expelled from the BJP.

Jaswant: Of course I am, after 30 years I was sacked that too for writing a book .Worse I was sacked over phone.

Rajnath: Stop looking at me you fellows, we’re in a recession. I was trying to save money that’s why I sacked him over the phone.

Jaswant: You humiliated me, baldy!

Naidu: Relax Jaswant, it’s not personal. We thought it would be better if we sacked you over the phone, you’ll be getting your complimentary ‘I was with the BJP for thirty years’ T-shirt and Grain Sack as a symbol for your sacking in the mail, just relax.

Advani: You know Jaswant; ever since we’ve been out of power we’ve run out of money. We need to be in power to make money by taking bribes. All the money we had was blown up during the election campaign. That’s why Rajnath gave you the sack over the phone.

Jaswant: He was extremely impolite okay, he called up and said “Hey Jaswant, You’re Fired, Now Fu*K Off”, he didn’t even give me a reason.

Rajnath: What!! Isn’t it obvious, you wrote that stupid book on Jinnah you fat freak?

Jaswant: Oyey! Don’t say anything about my book baldy, you don’t even know English. You’re only a mass leader. I’m the liberal thinker and strategist.

Jaitley: Oh yeah! you’re definitely a great leader jackass; everyone knows that you’re the dude who screwed up the IC-814 hijack. Nice going.

Jaswant: You’re talking like I hijacked the plane, bastard.

Joshi: Oh yeah, a great thinker’s move to let the plane take off to Kandahar once it landed in Amritsar and what about you personally escorting Masood Azhar, dumbass.

Jaswant: Wait ,who was that who told the party workers to break the Babri Masjid, Oh yeah! that was you Joshi.

Pravin Togadia: RIOT everybody RIOT. Let’s blame the Muslims for the BJP’s infighting and blow up petrol pumps, buses and destroy glass windows, shatter and break faces.



Ashok Singhal: Absolutely Togadia and let’s kill Christians as well. Here we go.

Varun Gandhi: I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I’ve been waiting to unveil my brand new ‘Muslim Hand Cutter’ from Telebrands, now only Rs.567/-. Handling and delivery charges extra.

Jaswant : Way to go guys!, so its okay for Varun to use his ‘Muslim Hand Cutter’ and stay in the party but when I say something about Muslims being marginalized In my book, I get expelled . Fantastic. We truly are the party with the difference.

Advani: I know this entire thing is whose fault.

Yashwant: Who?

Advani :That bastard Karan Thapar,He’s the one who nitpicked Jaswant’s brain on TV till Jaswant said those stupid things about his book.Togadia,Singhal go catch that Thapar fellow and burn his fu*kin house down. Then bring him here. I want to torture that rat.



Rajnath: Okay Jaswant, I’ll give you one last chance, withdraw your Jinnah book and you get back to being in the BJP.

Jaswant: Absolutely not, I’ve been working on that book for five years and I got a huge contract to publish that book. There is no way I’m withdrawing that book.

Rajnath: Fine then, you remain fired.

Jaswant: Fine

Rajnath: Fine

Joshi: Fine, Now am I leader or what?

Jailtley: I’m leader...

Sushma: No, I’m leader.

Naidu: No, I’m leader.

Yashwant: Eh Naidu, I’m leader.

Naidu: Bastard, I’ll kill you. Where’s the mic, I’ll bash your head in with this.



SINGHAL: What’s happening, eh who are you?


Rocky J stands up.

Me: Now only I will speak. All of you are being held by the crack elite team of TOPS Security Group. A company I hold a huge stake in.

Now sit your asses down and listen to me.Naidu, put the mic down.

Naidu: Fine.

Me: What the hell is wrong with you guys? Have you forgotten who you are? You are the Bharatiya Janata Party.

Where is the party that used to block Indian roads and cause traffic jams for hours with Rath Yatras huh?

Where is the party that told the US to buzz off and exploded all those nuclear bombs in Pokhran?

Where is the party that fulfilled Pervez Musharraf’s lifelong ambition of seeing the Taj Mahal?

Where is the party that authorized the Army to kick Pakistan’s ass in the Kargil war?

Where is the party that waved bundles of cash on the floor of the Parliament during the trust vote?

Where is the party that used to make Mulayam Singh and Mayawati’s life a living hell?

Advani: Hmmmm, but tell me Jhunjhunwala why are you helping us. I thought you liked the Congress.

Me: Contrary to what you think the only thing I like is DEMOCRACY. If you guys self destruct the whole principle of an opposition party has no meaning. If the BJP breaks down then the main opposition party will be led by the Communists and I’ll be damned if I let that happen.

Jaitley: So what should we do?

Jaswant: And what about my book?

Me: Oh man! Will you just shut the hell up! **** Jaswant Singh, no one is going to even read your bloody book. It’s more than a thousand pages long and Jinnah’s story will never be made into a six part movie franchise like the Harry Potter series.

Firstly, all of you should stop talking about Jinnah, what is it with you guys and Jinnah? Then Advani now Jaswant, Can’t you all just shut up.

Nobody cares about your Jinnah theories and your Ram Temple Issues. Build roads, give people electricity, water and education and they’ll actually vote for you.

Not over these stupid things, you guys look like a bunch of jokers.

Rajnath: Sob, sob you’ve opened my eyes Jhunjhunwalaji, thank you.

I’m sorry all of you, I love you guys, except Jaitley.

Naidu, Yashwant, and Sushma in chorus: We’re sorry too, we love you.

Jaitley: Stop it, you’ll make me cry.

Joshi: But Rakeshji, how do we get out of this current mess with Jaswant. How do we bring him back into the party after having expelled him?

Me: Arre simple yaar! Use your imagination, what do you do whenever something bad happens in India.

Jaswant: We blame the Congress.

Me: Exactly!!

Rajnath: You mean….


· Of course, say this whole Jinnah thing is caused by the Congress.

  • Say that Footage of Jaswant’s interview to Karan Thapar was tampered with.
  • Say Jaswant has been misquoted by the media which is under Congress influence.
  • Say the Congress is responsible for infighting within the BJP.Say they are bribing party leaders and workers.
  • Say the details in Jaswant’s book are wrong, that Jaswant’s real book is lost and that this book is written and published under Jaswant’s name by the Congress party and you want a CBI enquiry into the whole thing.

The possibilities are endless……

Advani: Wow you truly are a genius. Now I know why the markets move to every whim and fancy of yours.

Me: Thank You! But stop fighting.

Just imagine what he’s thinking right now.

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