Saturday, August 8, 2009

Is This A Report Or A Rip-ort?

Recently I saw a movie called Harry Potter and the Bloody Half Prince. It‘s the story of a prince who's half-half, you know 50-50, that sort of person. This half-person is a prince in the movie and he’s filled with blood so he’s bloody and Harry Potter deals with him.

This was a good movie, much better than the current movies in our country.

Everywhere I go I only see Sardarjis. What is wrong with Bollywood?

I’m telling you --




It’s freaky!

The PM is a sardarji.

Sunny Deol is a sardarji.

Akshay Kumar is a sardarji.

Salman Khan is a sardarji.

Saif Ali Khan is a sardarji.

Snoop Dogg is a sardarji.

Aamir khan is a sardarji.

Now Rani Mukherjee has had a sex change and is also a sardarji. Can anybody tell me just why everyone in the God damn film industry is a God damn sardarji, God damn it! I am so Sikh of this(See I said ‘sikh’ not ‘sick’ because it’s a clever pun on the word ‘sick’ and I used the sardarji concept and related it to the general term ‘sikh’ thus creating a comprehensive explanation in a single word. I’m so cool!)

Just for the record I’m a Marwari and I’m worth more than all these people....combined.

I just want you to know that.

Someone else who is not a sardarji is the Indian Institute of Management’s #1 fan IIM Kapoor. He is currently waiting to once again clear his 987th CAT in a row. The problem with him is that he is a ritualist. His greatest ambition is to clear the CAT again and again and again, instead of just once like normal people.

Such a dork is indeed useful to me because he can engineer excellent research reports.

Now I’ve been thinking of putting my money in some news channels because in our country there is always news-mostly bad news and news channels are guaranteed a daily dose of definite news sometimes called BREAKING NEWS.

So I told IIM Kapoor to put his MBA skills to test and produce a report on news channels with the POTENTIAL to create the MOST money from the money I give them thus PASSING ON TO ME even more money than already given.

So extremely high return on investment basically----RIGHT.

IIM Kapoor produced this impressive piece of work. The dork hath seen the light. It almost made me cry not at the report but at the fact that it was my genius which told me to tell him to do the report.



Tagline: Whatever It Takes

Real Tag Line: Hey there! We’re number one (#1) and we’ll never miss an opportunity to tell you that we’re number one (#1). We have no problems telling you how we got to being number one (#1) and what we plan to do now that we’re number one (#1).

We like telling you that we were number one (#1) during the bomb blasts.

Number One (#1) during the terror attacks.

Number One (#1) during the Elections.

Number One (#1) during the Budget.

But if you’re not impressed by that, then tune in to Face The Nation with Sagarika Ghose and gaze all you like at her shiny flabby cellulite filled shoulders bursting through her half–blouse.

We’ve got the chicks, we’ve got the news and we’re number one(#1) and in case you forget don’t worry we’ll do WHATEVER IT TAKES to remind you that we’re number one(#1).


Tagline: Fight For Change, You’ve Got a Friend

Real Tag Line: We’re not number one(#1) but we like to pretend that we’re the real number one(#1) and if someone else says that they’re number one(#1),we’ll tell you that they’re not really number one(#1) because we’re number one(#1), even though in reality we’re not number one(#1).


Its 2009.It’s been ten years since the Kargil War. Do you know what this means?

No, not that this is the tenth anniversary of India’s victory over Pakistan in Kargil .


Barkha Dutt has been on Indian television for ten years now.



Run everybody run, especially Chyetanya Kunte.

Times Now

Tagline: Always With the News

Real Tagline: The intensity of our news is succeeded only by the amount of times Arnab Goswami blinks his eyes in twenty seconds while conducting 50 simultaneous conversations with 500 people which at the end of the day leave you even more confused than you already are wondering “What the Hell is exactly going on?”

Headlines Today

Tagline: Refreshingly Different

Real tagline: Let’s just assume that ‘A is the most important story of the day. By default we will cover ‘B’ and say that it is ‘A’.

P.S: Have you ever heard of Rahul Kanwal and Zakka Jacob?

PPS: Have you seen this man, he looks like a registered sex offender but is only our entertainment reporter.


Tagline: Clarity In A Complex World

Real tagline: Ah, What Now?


Tagline: Wait a moment, DD NEWS has a tagline. Wow! I’m thrilled because I thought Government Propaganda sucks ass.

Real Tagline: Who Gives A Shit!!


Tagline: SABSE TEZ

Real Tagline: We started the GREEN SCREEN movement in India. We were the first channel to put a GREEN SCREEN behind our anchors and have the ability to put any pictures on the GREEN SCREEN so if you’re ever surprised that a photo of a dancing monkey appears behind our anchor’s head, remember it’s only the GREEN SCREEN, not a real dancing monkey.

Note: If any child ever falls into a deep hole with no water, you can bet your ass that we’ll be the first ones there.

IBN Lokmat

Tagline: Chal Jag Jinkuya

Real Tagline: Same as for CNN IBN but translated into Marathi and with a Marathi version of Sagarika Ghose although with the same half blouse.


Tagline: Khabar Har Keemat Par

Real Tagline: Damn it! These Network 18 people are everywhere.

Zee News

Tagline: ??

Real Tagline: Hold on, you’re telling me that Zee actually has a news channel?



If ever a Salamander has an extra marital affair with a Rhinoceros and the Rhino’s oyster wife finds about the rhinoceros and his illegitimate hippopotamus babies and in a fit of anger kills the rhinoceros and runs away to Namibia and dies there but returns to India in her next life as a reincarnation now in the form of a wealthy Lucknow businessman, we’ll be sure to do a continuous story on the whole thing with no strings attached as long as the program is repeated every twenty minutes as BREAKING NEWS and sponsored by B-TEX itch cream.

Phew! So many channels. I should take a good look at all of them. It’s what is called contemplation.

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