Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Bhatavdekar: “We Will Arrest The Justin Bieber When He Comes To India Because He Is Doing Too Much Baby”

Special Correspondent Trilochan Deshpande|Jhunjhunwala News Network

19th May, 2010

[Mumbai]Canadian person and Teen Music Idol Justin Bieber could face a lot of trouble if he is to enter India.

Sources say that the sixteen year old international pop music sensation is likely to be arrested by the Special Task Force of the Mumbai Crime Branch for allegedly violating the Indian Constitution and several provisions of the Indian Penal Code or the IPC.

The J Times has also learnt from reliable sources that Justice P.N Gaitonde of the Mumbai Sessions Court has in fact issued an arrest warrant under the request of the Mumbai Police for Bieber’s arrest.

Mumbai Police Commissioner D.Sivanandan also held talks last night with senior officials of the Ministry of External Affairs so that the issue of extraditing Bieber is taken up with the Canadian government. The MEA is also likely to press the Interpol to issue a Red Corner notice against Bieber and ask for his immediate arrest by international law enforcement agencies.

Bieber, recently in the news for being a daily number one trending topic on social networking site twitter has millions of fans worldwide, many of whom are pre teen, teen and post teen girls.

The subject of controversy for Bieber has been his new music single from his latest album ‘My World 2.0’.The single titled ‘BABY’ sung by Bieber in collaboration with international hip-hop artist Christopher Bridges better known by his stage name ‘Ludacris’ has been deemed to be too racy, derogatory and containing inflammatory remarks capable of causing communal tension across India.

Commenting on the issue Senior Inspector Tukaram Bhatavdekar of the Lokhandvala Police Station who is also part of the Special Task Force investigating Bieber said “This Justin BARBER ,He Is Doing Too Much Baby . Saalaa Na Cha Haraam Khor,Shaan Patti Karath ,Does He Not Know Population Of India? Eh! He Is Encouraging People To Have More And More Babies By Singing Baby! Kutricha Salaa Mai Ke.”

“I Have Personally Counted In His Music Video Where The Justin Barber Has Said Baby 219 Times In three Minutes. How Much Baby He Wants? How Can India With More Than One Billion Population Afford To Have More Babies? Kya Justin Barber Ka Baap Salaa Sab Baby Ka Kharcha Paani Karega?”

Noted Economist and Renowned Ad Film Maker Prahlad Kakkar said “India Does Not Have The Economic Resources To Feed New Born Babies Especially At The Rate At Which Justin Bieber Is Asking Couples To Have Babies. Therefore He Must Be Arrested Because He Has Hurt Indian Sentiments.”

Further commenting on the issue Inspector Bhatavdekar said “I Have Also Listened In The Video Where The Justin Barber Has Said ‘O Baby’. Full Department Has Heard Him Say ‘O Baby’.At First We Thought What This 'O Baby’ Is.Then We Realized He Is Doing Pronounciation Error. Justin Barber Should Actually Say ‘A Baby’ But He Is Saying ‘O Baby’. This Shows He Is Not Educated Boy. It Means His Parents Have Not Given Him Proper Education That Is Why He Is Saying ‘O Baby’ Instead Of ‘A Baby’.”

The issue has also raised a storm abroad. Popular Google Wave extension Unawave which was planning to sign Bieber to endorse Unawave when it debuts at the Google Developers Conference on May 19th has canceled the decision to sign Bieber. A statement from the company said “Due To The Tension Mr.Bieber’s Video Has Caused In India Which Unawave Views As An Important Marketplace, The Decision To Drop Justin As A Brand Ambassador Has Been Taken With Immediate Effect.”

Political reactions have been flowing in thick and fast .Nearly all political parties have spoken out for the arrest of Justin Bieber thus cutting across party lines in a rare show of solidarity.

Maharashtra State Deputy Chief Minister and NCP member Chhagan Bhujbal said “Justin BEERBAR Is A Dangerous Criminal.NCP Will Do Its Best To Get Him Arrested. We Have Already Promised In Election Manifesto That We Will Cut Down The Number Of Beer Bars Across Maharashtra. Arresting Justin Beerbar Will Not Only Reduce Baby Population In India But Also Promote Closing Of Illegal Beer Bars Across The State. Jai Maharashtra!”

Also commenting on the issue is Congress MP and National Commission For Women(NCW) Chairperson, Girija Vyas who termed the warrant for Bieber’s arrest as a “Liberating Move” for women and a “Positive Step For Birth Control And Prevention Of AIDS”. Dr.Vyas said “ Justin PIPER Is A Typical Example Of Male Chauvinist Thinking .It Is Not Possible For Women To Humanly Produce So Many Babies As Justin Piper Wants In His Song Because Woman’s Uterus Has Limited Capacity. It Is A Human Organ Afterall Not A Baby Making Machine. I Congratulate The Mumbai Police In Making Swift Progress To Arrest Justin Piper.”

In fact the subsidiary arm of the Women’s Commission known as the Women’s Association Of India has awarded its ‘Man Of The Year’ award to Inspector Bhatavdekar who will be facilitated by Maharashtra CM Ashok Chavan at a grand function with a trophy and a cash prize of Rupees 10,000.

Upon being congratulated for winning the Women’s Association Of India ‘Man Of The Year’ award Inspector Bhatavdekar said “Award Is Not Important.What Is Important Is To Catch The Criminals Who Break The Law.Mumbai Police Will Definitely Arrest The Justin Barber.”

Ram Das Kadam of the Shiv Sena addressed media persons outside Shiv Sena Party Headquarters where he said “JUSTICE BIEBER Should Be Investigated Thoroughly.CBI Should Investigate His Finances, In Any Case Till There Is Proper Probe Shiv Sena Will Protest Justice Bieber’s Elevation As Judge In Honorable High Court Of Maharashtra.” Upon being corrected by media persons that they had asked him about Justin Bieber and not JUSTICE Bieber ,Kadam proceeded to say that he was “Misquoted” and “Quoted Out Of Context By The Media” .He also called for the Chief Minister’s Resignation saying that it was the Congress-NCP policies in Maharashtra that had resulted in an overwhelming increase in the baby population.

But the last word on the matter once again belonged to Inspector Bhatavdekar who roared confidently “We Also Have The Information That Justin Barber Is A Terrorist And Is Related To David Headley”. Declining to further comment on the issue Inspector Bhatavdekar said “If Needed We Will Do Encounter On The Justin Barber. He Cannot Escape From Mumbai Police. Choothiya Gandus Like Justin Barber Who Want To Do Babies Will Not Be Spared. We Have Increased Security Along The Border So That We Can Arrest Him The Moment He Is Seen.”

We Salute Inspector Bhatavdekar! Jai Hind!

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Reliance Letters : The Return Of KESHRA WALANUJHNUJH

The following letters were sent out by Mukesh and Anil Ambani respectively after the RIL vs RNRL case verdict was pronounced by The Supreme Court.



Dear Shareholders Of RIL,

My name is Mukesh Ambani and I have won. The GAS is mine.

That’s right, the GAS is mine.

Generations will come and speak of the way I clobbered my younger brother’s puny ass in the Supreme Court. I am a true businessman for I have managed to grab victory from the jaws of defeat. Two times before in the Mumbai Civil Court and the Bombay High Court my brother won the right to Gas.

But when it mattered the most he lost. I love the Supreme Court. They have given me the gas and I shall now enjoy every single day with MY gas.

Technically the Court also said the gas belongs to the people of India. So if you are a person from India, then you are welcome to my home where I will show you the gas.


My wife Nita will also serve you tea. You will also be given a team photograph of my IPL team, the Mumbai Indians.

If you want to take the gas home then you will have to buy the gas. I know the Court said the gas belongs to the Indian people but the Court also dictated the price of the gas to be 4.20 mm/Btu so I have to follow the Court’s ruling.

I cannot give you the gas for free but if you bring Four Dollars and Twenty Cents then I will happily gift wrap one Millimeter British Thermal Unit of Gas for you. You can then enjoy the Gas and the wonders that it can do.

As For My Brother Anil,I Refuse To Give Him Any Gas. The Only Gas He’s Going To Get Is From My Ass.

Most importantly, there is one man I have to thank for making this verdict possible in my favor.

He is the man responsible for the Supreme Court overturning the High Court’s verdict and awarding me the gas. He is the grandmaster who controls the Supreme Court Judges who delivered the verdict in favor of my company.

He is so awesome that his presence was felt in the markets the moment the gas verdict came in; he moved so fast and created such havoc for Anil that his company RNRL lost more than 22% of its market value .This was the ultimate punishment for my little brother.

I bow down to the grandmaster on behalf of everyone at Reliance Industries. Thank You Great One for letting me keep the gas. Thank you for teaching my brother a lesson and thank you for puppeteering the Supreme Court Judges to pronounce the verdict in my favor.

The gas could never have been mine without you . From the bottom of my heart I thank you again,O Mighty, Omnipotent One.


Partytime with my gas now. Everybody bring your gas and dance with me as I dance my ASS off to the super awesome song featuring URMILA & FARDEEN KHAN!!! KAMBAKHT ISHQ - THE REMIX!!

Thanks KESHRA!


Gas Haver,

Mukesh Ambani.



Dear Shareholders Of RNRL,

It is with deep sadness that I write this letter to you today. The gas that you and I both love so much has been given by the Supreme Court to my evil elder brother Mukesh.

Ever since I was a young boy, I dreamt that I would one day be able to play with my own gas and share its wonderful properties with you dear shareholders but sadly my friends the Supreme Court has liquefied our gaseous dreams.

While I do blame my brother and the Supreme Court for this unjust decision I blame a force far greater for all of my misery.

I blame GOD.

I now realize that GOD hates me – Anil Ambani.

GOD never wanted me to have the Gas in the first place which is why he played with me. Awarding it to me in the High Court and taking it away in the Supreme Court. This is exactly how GOD works and GOD has screwed me.

O GOD! Why do you hate me Anil Ambani?

In the past one year I have made an infinite amount of trips to Mata Vaishno Devi Temple and Lord Venkateshwara Temple In Tirupati. All I ever prayed for in front of Devi Maa and Lord Balaji was for The Gas.I even donated Crores of rupees ,Gold and diamonds to Lord Venkateshwara.

All I asked in return was Gas. I gave GOD Gold and asked for Gas but instead GOD took Gold from me and gave me nothing back in return.

GOD is cruel, unkind and unfair to me.

I feel so cheated. Dear GOD Balaji – you have used my Gold to make Gold armor for yourself which your priests at Tirupati polish for you and decorate with flowers.

I gave you that Gold so that you could give me Gas in return. Instead you gave it to my brother and now made me pay more for the Gas.

Therefore dear GOD Balaji – please return all the Gold I gave you at once.

NO Gas, No Gold.That’s The Rule.

When Mukesh and I first started fighting for the gas. It was like the Mahabharata. The two of us were like Duryodhan and Yudhishtir.

At the start of the war we both sought advice from Keshra Walanujhnujh who is like Krishna.

Keshra said that he would offer equal advice to both of us and favor both brothers equally. Mukesh followed Keshra’s advice and has now won the case.

I on the other hand being pompous and arrogant disregarded his advice .I now regret not listening to Keshra.

In all my humility I apologize to the shareholders of RNRL and especially to Keshra Walanujhnujh because I have not had the intelligence to do what he said.

At the very beginning Keshra had told me that if I was to win the case then I must hire the correct lawyer to fight for me.

Being an asshole- I hired Ram Jethmalani.

But His Greatness Keshra had told me to hire this guy: Ujjwal Nikam.

Keshra told me that Nikam was the only lawyer who could get me my Gas. I didn’t listen. Nikam went on to fight the 26/11 case and has now gotten Kasab the death sentence.

I on the other hand am left with Jethmalani,no gas(even though Jethmalani farts a lot) and a ton of grief.

Because I did not hire Nikam I feel like a Nikam-ma.I will now drown myself in listening to the EPIC SONG Nikamma from the film ‘Kya Dil Ne Kaha’ to find some solace. The sight of Tusshar Kapoor prancing around like a little squirrel will make me happier. Please join me in singing and dancing to Nikamma as we remember my folly in not hiring Nikam.

While I lie in grief on one side, I am filled with hope on the other.

This is a huge country. Sooner or later something of value like Gas is sure to be found. Being businessmen both Mukesh and I will want it.

Therefore I am hopeful because I know that there will always be opportunities in future also to fight with my brother Mukesh.

I proceed to quote a couple of lines from my good friend Pritish Nandy’s new book of poems titled ‘AGAIN’ which will release later this month.



Never AGAIN will I make the mistake of not listening to Krishna Keshra.

Keshra – Please Forgive Me.

Anil Ambani.

P.S : God Still Hates Me.



Saturday, May 1, 2010


The following is an advertisement for the next videogame that will be promoted by Hungama Mobile,a company I have a huge stake in on mobile phones across India.

This game rocks Even More Than Gas Fight!,Check it out.


The Story So Far….

The year is 2008.The planet’s grand council of esteemed gentleman known as The Board Of Control For Cricket In India or the BCCI have decided that the time is ripe for the next evolution in the sport of cricket.

A gargantuan league of epic proportions named as the Indian Premier League or the IPL is established. One that will satisfy the insatiable appetite of a billionous multitude of cricket loving fanatics, enthusiastic , excited and forever gluttonous .

A young, exuberant marketing savvy motormouth is placed as its figurehead and boss. His name is Lalit Modi.

In a little under 3 years, the league becomes a gigantic success. One unlike which the world has never seen before.

But all is not right, Lalit Modi has used the time to not only make the IPL a giant success but more importantly turned rogue….

Lalit Modi has now grown into a monster that has gone beyond the control of the grand council of the BCCI. He is now on his way to control the entire sport of Cricket in the palm of his hand.

As he captures and controls every last cricketing bastion on the planet using the IPL it is now upto YOU to succeed against all odds and stop him….

UBISOFT in association with the International Cricket Council present :


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Also features ‘VILLAIN’ mode where you can play as Lalit Modi!!! Deceive the BCCI and the entire world!!

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$$ Charge facilitation fees to award TV broadcasting rights!!!

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$ Hire the world’s greatest lawyer RAM JETHMALANI to fight your case against the BCCI!!!!

$$ Award huge stakes in IPL teams to members of the Modi family!!!

$$ Cause disruption and chaos in Parliament giving politicians something to talk about!!!

$$ Garner support from eminent IPL team owners like Dr.Vijay Mallya and woman who wants to shut up and bounce Shilpa Shetty!!!

Pre order this game today and we’ll even throw in the new book by IIPM Dean , revolutionary management guru, intellectual, expert chicken counter ,rock star MBA action person and ‘National Thinker’ ,Professor Arindam Chaudhuri titled Discover The Diamond In You!!!

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+ Get the top score and view the 3D trailer before anyone else of the upcoming film on the trysts, trials and struggles of BCCI President Shashank Manohar to chuck Lalit Modi out of the IPL – THE SHASHANK REDEMPTION !!!!!

+ Appoint the Fake Jhunjhunwala or Chirayu Amin as the new Chairman of the IPL!!!

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May 2010.

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