Bigg Boss MONTYNALYZED

At first it was a visionary idea (NREGI) then it became a bill (NREGB), then it became a scheme (NREGS), then it became an act (NREGA). On the Second of October this year, they remembered Mahatma Gandhi and used his name on his birthday and now call it the Mahatma Gandhi National Rural Employment Guarantee Act (MNREGA).

The MNREGA is India’s single greatest economic achievement and is such a mind boggling universe splitting super duper bombastic dandruff removing ultra popular hyper spectacular sexy idea that every unemployed person in India now has a job. Foreign MBA students are doing case studies on the MNREGA and want their own countries to introduce the MNREGA to combat the “recession”. Stupid foreign hacks, always wanting to copy Indian ideas. Typical…..right.

You too must see this wonderful achievement in action and thanks to the power of television you can! The real life success of the MNREGA is being documented every night on a program called BIGG BOSS.

Unemployed people from around the country are bundled up and locked away in a house. This project alone has generated so much employment that it’s simply unbelievable.

Firstly there are the interior designers, plumbers, electricians, maintenance people and contractors who are employed in the construction of the big boss house.

Secondly there are the wholesale and retail vendors who supply food to the big boss contestants.

Thirdly there are the security people maybe from TOPS group security guarding the Bigg Boss house from poky eyes.

Fourthly there are the news channel anchors who in detail profile each contestant in the big boss house.

Fifthly there are the scientific anthropologists who observe the many facets of a volatile primate society.

And finally there are the jobless contestants themselves who have volunteered to give up their freedom and solitarily confine themselves to take part in the champion of freedom; the great Mahatma Gandhi’s National Rural Employment Guarantee Act all in a patriotic effort to increase their daily wages and on a national level India’s GDP.

Of course they will cohabit like village people with all the shared bathrooms,toilets,community living, common kitchen, meeting place,etc & do the cattle class living so that takes care of the Rural part of the MNREGA.

Such precision planning with detailed statistics and employment guarantees is the brainchild of the hon-her-able Deputy Chairman of India’s Planning Commission Shri. Montek Singh Ahluwalia.

Monty’s swansong must be appreciated, to understand the statements of the Bigg Boss contestants, one must therefore apply an advanced version of MONTYNALYSIS and marvel at the wonder that is the MNREGA:

Amitabh Bachchan: “One By One the Real Faces of the Contestants Will Emerge”

Montynalysis: I’m being called A Pop Philosopher. You Know You Can Call Me Anything For That Matter:Pop Psychologist, Pop Singer, Pop Corn Eater, Flower Lover, Shit Boy, Dickhead, Vase Licker, Doll Presser, Soap Extractor, Research Fellow, Swine Flu Expert, Mulayam Singh’s Best Friend, The Ghost Of Michael Jackson, Japanese Currency, Whale Plaque Remover, Octopus Cleaner, Roadkill Wrestler, Pillow Case Changer, Hat Wearer, Ambassador For Himani Navratan Hair Oil, Synchronized Diver, Andhra Pradesh Flood Victim. I’m Bloody the President of the United States for All You Care.

All you need to know is this, I’m BEING PAID 2.25 Crore rupees per episode of Bigg Boss to deal with 11 or 12 or 13 or 17 nutcases depending on the TRP’s so FU*K OFF!

Sherlyn Chopra: “The World Is Like a Candle Waiting To Melt”

Montynalysis 1: wow! That is so intense. I can’t believe I just said that. I bet you saw the pool in the Bigg Boss house. That’s my territory. I just can’t wait to show everyone my brand new bikini and my new improved silicon containment system.

Montynalysis 2 : Ahem…Cough….Mammary Glands, Thin Waist, Zero Size Figure….Cough…

Ismail Durbar: “What a Great House!”

Montynalysis: Look ,there’s only a limited number of times I can judge song based reality shows. I‘ve gotten bored of pesky oversmart children who annoy me with their ‘uncle, uncle’ chants on Sa Re Ga Ma Pa .

Bigg Boss is an interesting career move for me and an excellent chance to check out the latest silicon containment system in action.

Aditi Govitrikar: “I Won The Original Khatron Ke Khiladi.”

Montynalysis: So I’m over 30. At My Age Fashion Designers Want Younger Models So Bigg Boss Is A Great Adventure.

Tanaaz And Bakhtiyaar Irani: “We Are Very Sad To Leave Our Baby Behind While We’re Away In The Big Boss House.”

Montynalysis:You’ve seen us together in the ‘Unwanted 72’ advertisement for contraception pills.

Now you’ve seen our baby. We can only say that you people should sue us for endorsing a false product.

Obviously the 'Unwanted 72' emergency contraceptive pill does not work.Bloody false advertisements. We mean look at our baby.

Kamaal R Khan/KRK: “Very happy to be in Bigg Boss.”

Montynalysis: KRK BITCH, KRK.

Claudia Ciesla: “I Love India”

Montynalysis: I love India, I love Indian culture, I love Indian people, I love Indian food and now I have to use Indian toilet. I love India, I love India.

Raju Shrivastav: “I’ll try to make people laugh inside the Bigg Boss house.”

Montynalysis: With Dr.Dr.Sri.Sri Rakesh Jhunjhunwala’s market moving techniques I might actually win this thing.

Vindu Dara Singh: “I Want To Step Out Of My Father’s Shadow.”

Montynalysis: OK NOW SERIOUSLY, WHO THE FU#K IS THIS GUY.

Poonam Dhillon: “I am so happy to see you Amitji”

Montynalysis:I hope at least now that the transition into mother/Maa roles becomes much more smoother after my Bigg Boss stint.

Jaya Sawant: “This Is My First Time On Stage.”

Montynalysis: If Rakhi thinks she’s the biggest bitch on TV she is so wrong. I’m the bitch who gave birth to that bitch, I’m a full on hardcore old school bitch. Where do you think she gets her bitching skills from? Swayamwar my ass!

Rohit Verma: “Should I stay In the Men’s Room or the Women’s Room?”

Montynalysis: Don’t make fun of a dude who dresses like a girl. Respect creative freedom, individuality, human rights etc.

Shamita Shetty: “My Sister Won Big Brother UK”

Montynalysis: 8 years in the film industry, zero hits .When do I get to shut up and bounce, I too want to shut up and bounce. Can’t you understand that? Instead I’m still in the Mmm...Mmm…Mind Blowing Mahiya Stage.Check out all the foreign chicks dancing behind me wondering WTF is going on?WOW what an awesome song…. Mmm...Mmm…Mind Blowing….

BIG BOSS OR BIGG BOSS OR BIGGG BOSS OR BIGGGG BOSS.THE BIGGEST BOSS IS RIGHT HERE.

Montynalysis:Bow Down To The King.Enough said.

NOIDA Police On The State Of The Country:A Jhunjhunwala Times Exclusive!!!!

When there is a recession IIM graduates start doing jobs that are not IIM worthy. Some become journalists like my friend IIM Kapoor. I sent him to report on the state of affairs in the country and he interviewed the highest authority on this subject Chief Inspector Harpal Singh of the NOIDA Police Force.

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IIM Kapoor (Unemployed Management Graduate/Employed Pigeon Head Journalist)

Jhunjhunwala News Network – NOIDA.

Chief Inspector Harpal Singh from the NOIDA police is a happy man and why not? His team of brave police officers have managed to singlehandedly curb the crime rate in India.

“It is due to our efforts that no bomb blast has occurred in the past three months. Yes there have been some random cases of election violence especially by the Naxals but let’s all face it, those guys are simply nut cases.”

Inspector Harpal Singh has personally been criticized for the handling of the Moninder and Surinder child kidnapping, murder, molestation and cannibalism case.

“See I have always propagated the importance of a healthy balanced diet. This Surinder Kohli is unnecessarily being crucified especially by the media. All that fellow was doing was eating small children because he was hungry and he was only eating those children who themselves were eating a balanced diet. This is why he is so healthy at a time when many people are falling sick.”

“I mean what can the poor fellow do; the farmers are killing themselves so there’s nobody to grow crops. The chickens have Bird Flu, the pigs have Swine Flu and in our country we can’t eat Cows. No wonder that fellow was eating small children.”

Quietly he adds “The government must propagate eating small children. That way at least we can all keep our country’s growing population in check.”

On being asked about the recent SWINE FLU epidemic Inspector Singh had this to say:

“Thanks to our proactive methods the SWINE FLU has not yet threatened India. The moment we realized that the SWINE FLEW, we went and arrested all the pigs in the country,”

“Not only that we seized their Pilot Licenses to prevent them from flying in future. This way the bloody Sour Ke Bacches will never be able to fly and no one will get the Swine Flu again.”

Inspector Harpal Singh has also earned praise for his quick handling of the Anil Ambani chopper mystery.

He quips with a grin “When we were asked to look into the Anil Ambani chopper sabotage we were determined to find the culprit. Our investigations have concluded that the reason those stones have got into the gearbox of the Ambani chopper is because of EVAPORATION,”

He continued “See, during the summer time because of too much heat the water turns into gas so the water under Mr.Ambani’s chopper turned into gas and the gas lifted the pebbles into the gearbox but unfortunately our lab delivered the results too late and Mr.Bharat Borge had to die.”

Asked what his future plans are inspector Harpal Singh remains upbeat, “Right now we are investigating whether Ajmal Kasab was actually involved in the 26/11 attacks. He has said in court that he is 'not guilty' and we are inclined to believe him. Why would he lie after all?”

“But just to be sure we have enlisted the help of our special investigating officer Mr.A.R Antulay who is an authority on the 26/11 case.”

He finishes saying “Our motto has always been that innocent people should never go to jail even if we have to arrest the wrong guy again and again and again and again and then let him off again and again and again like we did in the case of Aarushi Talwar.”

“However the immediate priority is to arrest the Bachchan family for indecent behavior in public. First that Abhishek Bachchan makes a crap film like DRONA and then his entire family gives us the finger. We will throw them all behind bars.”

(Excerpts from this interview can also be found online)