Saturday, May 31, 2008

The Telecom Guys Can’t STOP Bugging Me

When I say things, the things I say become sayings. That’s how great I am.

Ever since I broke the MTN Bharti Hairtel partnership with the power of my belly dance I’ve been happy. The general principle of hypocrisy allows me to tell people how sorry I am that the partnership broke up while secretly I admire the precision with which I made it happen.

I was hoping that my grey cells wouldn’t have to delve into the land of telecom for the next few weeks but irritating things, especially things that irritate me find some way of bugging me.

One of the things that bugs me about people is the fact that they like to ‘THINK’. Thinking is not only overrated, it’s useless in case of ordinary people. I am one who falls into the category of the un-ordinary. What makes me cool is that I think not only for myself but for others as well. I do this better than anyone else that’s why I’m so friggin rich.

One person who as of late wants to think for himself is the CEO of Vodafone-Arun Sarin.

Arun Sarin’s greatest achievement in the eyes of ordinary people was to enter the Indian market and start the royal ass kicking of Hairtel and others since. What people don’t know is that Arun was merely a puppet in the hands of the real brain. A close friend of mine-Hutchinson.D.Pug.

Ordinary people are unable to understand that even a dog can run a company. Guys like me spread the word that “India Is an Emerging Market” and “It Has Potential”, etc.People don’t realize that these are just newer ways for me to make more dough off the Sensex.

So all of a sudden when Arun Sarin started asserting his right and declared he no longer wanted to be Hutchinson’s bitch, I’ve been in a tizzy.

Arun Sarin is a birdbrain who is extremely easy to manipulate. He is however of no use when he decides to do the things he wants. His job is to do the things we want. It’s a law of the world. He should have realized that by now.

It was then that Hutchinson called me up and asked me for advice and being a staunch upholder of the capitalist theory I told him to fire Arun Sarin and now he’s gone.

But for the past few days Arun has been walking around saying he quit the company. I can understand why he would do that. Telling people he got fired by a dog especially one that stalks little girls is a sign of weakness and insanity.

We are however not worried simply because there are thousand if not millions if not billions out there ready to worship the ground we walk on. It’s really simple for me to find someone else to work under the notorious guidance of Hutchinson.D.Pug.

I will spend the next few days looking for Arun’s successor. I’ll look through the yellow pages, the classifieds and the mental asylums of the world.

Oh wait!-there is a place that creates a ready supply of morons that Hutchinson and I can Abuse, House Train and Humiliate.

It’s called the IIM.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I Broke The MTN Bharti Hairtel Partnership, Me

There is often a sense of wonderment pervading my high voltage nerves that allows me to look at people with scorn and ridicule the mistakes they make.

One person who made such a mistake is the boss of the Bharti Airtel group. A dude called Sunil Mittal. For reasons that allow me to make fun of him I call the guy Sunil Mental. Mental has been on a delusionary trip the past few months.

Bharti Airtel is a company run by Sunil Mental. People actually think that this company deals in telephony services. They’re right. They run phony telephone services. Their real business is nowhere near the field of telecom. That’s just a bluff called by them to evade paying taxes.

Their real trade is to use the magnetic SIM cards that they put in mobiles to make people’s hair grow. That’s why they’re actually called Hairtel instead of Airtel.

The magnetic SIM cards attract the iron content found in blood hemoglobin. By rubbing the SIM card over one’s head one can attract the hemoglobin to course through the hair causing un-erupted stalks of hair to erupt from the scalp while keeping the erupted ones straight as a line.

It’s the complete cure for baldness and it works. That’s how I covered my bald spot and now I’m sexy.

But Sunil Mental has been getting carried away by the lie that his board of directors have propagated to cover their hair growing business. He wants to start dealing in real telecom services. He planned to do this by buying a stake in MTN.MTN has a huge presence in Africa. I don’t want them to partner with Sunil Mental.

The only telecom guy I deal with is Hutchinson.D.Pug. Having another telecom giant trying to dominate the Indian market means I have to find ways of trying to manipulate them. I hate that because I have to use my brain. Thinking causes my blood pressure to rise and other things to fall.

So keeping my health in mind I set out on a covert secret trip. The association of rich guys (headquartered in Mumbai) sponsored my trip. I landed in South Africa a few hours before crucial negotiations between MTN and Hairtel that would seal the deal, were to take place.

Slowly I attracted the attention of all the MTN executives. That’s when I did my famous belly dance. The bouncing of my stomach fat put them in a hypnotic trance. I then poisoned their heads with ideas .Ideas that would lead to the breaking of the Hairtel-MTN partnership.

Time was up, I slowly exited through the back door of the meeting hall and boarded the plane home to Bombay/Mumbai aka the land of Halwa and $$$$$.

In time I received word that the partnership had indeed broken up. I danced around and did the belly dance some more.

It gives me an amazing sense of accomplishment when I succeed. It even gives me more joy when I succeed after having flushed someone else’s plan down the drain. It’s not cheap or immoral. It’s just cool.


Friday, May 23, 2008

Ha-Nil Ham-Bani Likes Nude Chicks

Recently I heard that the younger Ambani Ha-Nil was at the Cannes Film Festival. Usually it’s written as the Cannes Film Festival but due to the overwhelming display of breast cleavage by the amount of scantily clad women walking on the red carpet and overweight directors, it’s been renamed as the Cans Film Festival.

The organizers of this once in a year event make a big deal about this festival. They showcase a million movies no one in their sane mind would have ever heard of and will ever watch. I fail to understand how Harrison Ford whose last big hit was in 1975 with that nerd George Lucas in Star Wars can still play an “action” hero in Indiana Jones and can get so much attention at Cans.

Ha-Nil whose surname I replace with Ham-Bani for his various meat fetishes is dissatisfied with the state of the current Indian film industry. Apparently, Hindi movie titles aren’t as long and confusing as before and having understood his failure in persuading movie producers to make the titles longer, he has given up.

More importantly Ham-Bani hates the fact that all these stick sized heroines who act in Hindi movies even though they don’t know Hindi refuse to take off their clothes on screen .Even after multiple assurances from him that every possible wart, pimple and yeast infection will be digitally removed they simply refuse to do it. Ha-Nil has realized that nobody watches the shit that some movie makers make. People like hot chicks getting hotter by taking their clothes off.

This principle is something I totally endorse, In fact if a chick is hot she shouldn’t be allowed to wear clothes on screen .There should be a ban on hot chicks wearing clothes in films.

But Ham-Bani is extremely clever and that’s why he went to Cans. There he met up with all the hot chicks in Hollywood. Everyone from Angelina Jolie to Scarlett Johansson. He promised them that he’d pay them a shit load of cash to walk around on screen only in their undies.Some said they’d even take that off. That made me and Ham-Bani very happy.

That’s when he made a smart move and announced in front of the world at the Cans Film Festival that his entertainment company ‘Reliance Big Entertainment Limited’ would invest about $3 billion dollars in Hollywood movies. He then made a complicated speech in front of all the other useless people at Cans and said things like “An Indian company ……..Globalization…….Pleasure of the movie goers………Big studios”

All I heard was “Hot chicks……Nude……On my screen and DVD player”

I had of course heard all this earlier but I believe in counting stuff after them……or however that saying goes. I also heard that George Clooney was signed by Ham-Bani’s company. Little does Georgy know that it’s only to overwork him till he falls down dead. Ham-Bani and I hate that guy coz all the chicks drool over him.

I hate him personally because he makes me look fat. I have to workout regularly now. Before I saw him my only exercise was to do Butt Crunches on the toilet seat.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Shiva’s Army , The Oil Bonds And Halwa

So Shiva’s army is at it again. I truly admire these guys. They are THE EXPERTS in the magnificent art of creating a problem when none exists and then taking credit for solving that which they created in the first place. While I do this in a small capacity, these dudes do it at a national, international and planetary level. They recently got an ISO 78665543562646746:54:9807/45#2.987certification in causing chaos and disruption.

I was sitting on the topmost floor of the Bombay Stock Exchange and spitting on human beings below. I had nothing else to do. When I’m bored I entertain myself this way. It’s either this or going home and listening to the wife.

Suddenly, Lord Shiva’s army showed up .Those dudes were pissed at the fact that 60 years after independence we still call the stock exchange as the Bombay Stock Exchange instead of The Mumbai Stock Exchange. I tried to understand this in detail. Listening to stuff from the 32nd floor littered with the urine of really nervous brokers can be trifling.

The root of their problem was simple. Start replacing everything that contained the word Bombay with Mumbai. That included my joint-The Stock Exchange, the Sensex and even the delicious Bombay Halwa.They can change the name of the Sensex and the stock exchange into anything they like.Heck-they could even call it a latrine if they wanted to as long as it still deals in shares but no one and I mean absolutely no one changes the name of the Bombay Halwa into the Mumbai Halwa.

That’s just a damn travesty of justice. I wasn’t going to put up with it.

That’s when I started marching down .Unluckily the power was off so I had to take the stairs. The journey from floor 32 to floor 31 made me sweat like a hound dog so I just sat down at the landing of floor 31 nearly dying of dehydration.

I decided to use my telepathic powers.Yes, I have magical powers. That’s why I’m so damn successful at what I do. I get into the heads of all the CEO’s and know their plans before they do.

Anyway, I telepathically entered the mind of the leader of Shiva’s army, a dude called Orange Guy. He was thinking of really hot chicks just like me. My appreciation of his wonderful establishment grew but I was still pissed that he wanted to change the Bombay Halwa’s name to the Mumbai Halwa.

I gathered the various bits of information that were floating in his head. Slowly I pieced them together and that’s when I realized the truth.

My favorite intellectual moron-the hon-her-able P.C aka Finance Minister guy is planning on issuing oil bonds to compensate for the losses borne by people who trade in that oil stuff. My only use of crude oil is to clean my ears.

Orange Guy also needs oil to clean his ears but at the current prices, Crude oil is expensive as hell. That’s why he too wanted oil bonds so that he can sell them and buy oil to clean his ears. P.C was refusing to give him those bonds.

Thus he had gone through the trouble of raising hell at the stock exchange. If he couldn’t have his bonds P.C couldn’t have his booming Sensex. That’s why his army was down there.

I picked up the phone and dialed P.C’s number, gave him a firing and asked him to give the Orange Guy a few oil bonds. Things quietened in a few minutes but I still stayed in the Orange Guy’s head looking at all the hot chicks.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Dude, I Was In The U.K

I believe in the philosophy of positive reaffirmation. There are times in my life when I need others to realize how important I am to this planet more so to this country. That’s when I pull cheap stunts and disappear for sometime.

I did that a few days ago when I had a few of my servants pack my bags so that I could go somewhere, I told people that it was to relax and get some time off but in reality it was to observe the pandemonium that follows in the markets when they realize I’m not there anymore. Sure enough it happened.

The Sensex kept sliding, it slid, and then it slid more and then slid even more. I was laughing my fat ass off from England at all the useless things the mall rats of the Bombay Stock Exchange were trying to do. My plan was to go to the U.K, turn my mobile off and watch people on Dalal Street pull their hair from the roots of their scalps.

My good friend Gordy Brown allowed me the privileged access of looking at these jokers from really expensive satellites up in space. That’s how I knew they were bungling up. When I returned to India, They prostrated themselves at the foot of my door and begged me to restore the Sensex. I told them I’d do it but only to give them a false sense of security .Luring them out of their shells allows me to take advantage of their novice trading skills.

The market will eventually go up and when it does, they will all thank me for ‘cutting short’ my U.K trip and saving the Sensex. Till it happens I can easily brow beat the bush and say things like inflation and credit crunch to explain why it isn’t rising as yet all the while buying the shares they sell at cheap rates.

It’s a concept that works. Sometimes like this time a really fast emerging industrial house like Autoline approaches me and begs me not to take off like this. They even give me a large stake in their company as payment to keep me cemented here.

This is always a good thing because I get richer. People realize that I hold a stake in a company and emulate me by buying shares of that company thus ensuring the price of that company goes up in time. When the stock prices eventually rise they make money in thousands while I do so in millions and then I get free stuff from them in the form of fruit baskets and crap like that because they feel it was me who got them a profit. It’s their way of thanking me.

In reality it was them who got me a HUGE profits but as long as I can keep them thinking that they became richer because of me, my job is done.

In all I made a shit load of cash the past week while others where losing theirs, I enjoyed tea with Gordy and when I came back I was treated like a God.

It’s positive reaffirmation 101 at its best.

Friday, May 9, 2008

The Lazy Indian Theory And The I-Phone

Hutchinson.D.Pug is a busy dog these days. Bird brain Arun Sarin has realized that running a mobile company in India is indeed difficult. That’s why he’s been running every two seconds like a baby with an explosive bladder to Hutchinson for advice on how to tap the Indian market. Simply displaying the Vodafone logo on every available billboard doesn’t sell the company’s products. That’s why Airtel is kicking Vodafone’s ass.

A few days ago at the General Body meeting of extremely rich dudes in Mumbai, Hutchinson and I were talking about the things that could be done to swerve India’s mobile industry away from Airtel to Vodafone. This is important for me even though I hold shares in Airtel. That Mittal guy from Airtel is extremely difficult to negotiate with; he won’t talk to you until you play him that annoying Airtel ringtone composed by A.R Rahman. It’s the song he uses to go to sleep every night.

It’s simply easier for me to make more money if I develop vested interests in Vodafone. I can then use their patented technology of customer entrapment through the careful manipulation of Arun Sarin because Hutchinson, like me is too clever to give away secrets. That’s when I transfer this knowledge to mini-j who will improperly implement it into Hungama mobile. I then conveniently set things right and find new ways of making mini-j’s life a living hell. Maybe I’ll start with him calling Vodafone’s customer care centre. The automatic voice at the other end of the phone and the subsequent pushing of the keypad buttons will drive mini-j crazy. I’ll then pelt him with a flying baby to return him to his infantile normalcy.

Hutchinson needed a new way to capture the interest of the Indian caller. I told him to bring in the I-phone to India.

Hutchinson was worried that the cost of importing the I-Phone would be too much and since marketing principles say that every product must be priced at twice it’s real value, Hutchinson realized that he’d have to price the I- Phone at extremely high rates. Rates that people wouldn’t ordinarily pay.

That’s when I told him not to worry. In India laziness is highly encouraged. It’s a genetically passed down trait from father to son. Every company that ever succeeded in India did so because it exploited the Indian’s laziness.

The I- phone was created for the Indian. Someone like me is too lazy to go through the effort of pushing the buttons on an ordinary cellphone. The keypad buttons hurt my fingers. Fingers bruised by years of counting money bundles and handling IPO forms. For a working professional like me the I-Phone is a boon.

I get to use just one finger to operate the I-phone. That basically guarantees that I can change the ringtone on my phone from ‘bah bah black sheep’ to ‘twinkle twinkle’ in a matter of seconds. Plus I get to watch movies on the I-phone. That’s also something the Indian likes.

My reasoning had opened Hutchinson’s eyes. That’s when he decided to introduce the I-Phone in India. I think people will buy that phone. I know I will.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Throwing Stocks Like I Throw my Babies

Did you happen to catch the crap the Huffington Post put out this week on the dropping of babies ritual?

[From The Huffington Post]

When babies can get brain damage from being shaken hard, you have to wonder if someone should step in and tell them that some traditions are best left in the past. This is crazy, and just because something is a religious practice doesn’t mean it should be allowed. Nor do I buy for one minute that no babies have been hurt. I’ve bet some have suffered minor neck and brain injury given how far they’re falling.

These Huffloonies as I call them are racially profiling a whole country based on the practice of a few. These are ignorant people that are ignorant of our diverse culture. Maybe if Arriana had been dropped of a three story building a few times she wouldn’t be so radically insane. She allowed the following comment on her site:

What do you expect from a third world toilet like India - primitive cruel race” – BadgersBite

Funny, that’s my same sentiments regarding the Huffington Post. These same HuffLoonies approve of abortion yet they are SHOCKED by a baby being dropped into a safety net. In fact, most of these Huffloony pedophile priests have been putting the drop on young children for over 69 years. I'd rather be dropped from a building than dropped from behind.

You can see the video using this link:

The baby dropping practice is actually a way to separate the strong from the weak. The strong go on Badgers hunting expeditions and the weak start blogs like the Huffington Post. When I was dropped off the building when I was a kid, I actually landed on my two feet

Now if you been following the stock market as of late you know the Sensex has been dropping faster than these babies, but the market is about to bounce back up so be prepared to catch it. None of the babies are getting hurt, but Mini-j tells me his ego is because his Bollywood Babes are ignoring him due to his reduced net worth. I told him to drop the cry baby act and get on with his Hungama deal.

- You're not anyone until you've been dropped - R. Jhunjhunwala

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Hutchinson.D.Pug And The Flying Babies

Mini-j has been worried of late, he’s unhappy that the Hungama deal isn’t working out. I really don’t care because as I already said it’s up to that shrimp to make the deal work. If it does I take the credit, if not I blame him for everything bad that’s ever happened in my life.

But since it’s my cash that’s involved anyway I decided to use my position to find newer ways of making Mini-j’s life a living hell. I was Strolling on a nearby lane to increase blood flow to my brain thus increasing the chances of receiving newer ideas and at the same time regulating my insulin levels since I have Diabetes( That’s my version of multi tasking) when I suddenly got hit in the face by something hard and soft at the same time.

It was Hutchinson.D.Pug known to many as that irritating little punching bag with a tail that follows around a child in one of those Vodafone Ad’s. People think that Arun Sarin is the CEO of Vodafone not realizing that title actually stands for CLEARLY ECCENTRIC ORGANISM. The real boss of that joint is actually Hutchinson.D.Pug. It was time to confront him.

Me: So why are you running around a girl this time in the new Vodafone ad?

Hutchinson: I’m not running around her, I’m running behind her. You would also have noticed that the theme of the ad is to provide better customer care. Our company’s call reception is so bad that we get more complaints at our call centre than anyone else; there was no other choice than to advertise the one defining feature of our company.

Me: Cordial and polite customer executives?

Hutchinson: Hell no, our inescapable prison of voice generated interactive menus that keep people trapped to our lines for hours. A prison that they get into when they call our centers to complain about our poor call and telephony services. That’s how we make our cash and that’s why we’re the #1 mobile company in the world.

Me: You son of a bitch! You’re ingenious but why do you appear in your own ads.

Hutchinson: Cost cutting measures + people think I’m cute. However, I’m seriously considering quitting appearing in my own ads. The other dogs think I’m gay, the way I follow that little girl around.

Me: Mini-j isn’t doing too much with my stake in Hungama Mobile. The stock prices need to go up. He dwells on the problems plaguing the company instead of finding ways to make money out of the problems like you’ve done.

Hutchinson: There’s a reason for that

Me: What?

Hutchinson: A few days ago he was taking a dump in the desert when he got hit by a flying baby. These weirdos believe that if you throw a baby from the fifth floor of a really tall building, good things will happen. Basically, another myth I propagated to dupe dumbos. So when they threw a baby down it bounced of the trampoline hitting Mini-j in the head causing a couple of screws to become loose thus hampering his abilities to exploit bad services provided by Hungama Mobile.

Me: How do you know all this?

Hutchinson: I saw it with my own eyes. I was peeing on a cactus plant nearby.

Me: How can I fix this?

Hutchinson: Simply have his head pelted by another flying baby. That’ll set his screws right.

Me: How do I repay you for the valuable advice you’ve given me.

Hutchinson: Give me a few ways to torment Arun Sarin and the Essar group the way you trouble Mini-j.

Me: Done and Done.”

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...