Sunday, May 25, 2008

I Broke The MTN Bharti Hairtel Partnership, Me

There is often a sense of wonderment pervading my high voltage nerves that allows me to look at people with scorn and ridicule the mistakes they make.

One person who made such a mistake is the boss of the Bharti Airtel group. A dude called Sunil Mittal. For reasons that allow me to make fun of him I call the guy Sunil Mental. Mental has been on a delusionary trip the past few months.

Bharti Airtel is a company run by Sunil Mental. People actually think that this company deals in telephony services. They’re right. They run phony telephone services. Their real business is nowhere near the field of telecom. That’s just a bluff called by them to evade paying taxes.

Their real trade is to use the magnetic SIM cards that they put in mobiles to make people’s hair grow. That’s why they’re actually called Hairtel instead of Airtel.

The magnetic SIM cards attract the iron content found in blood hemoglobin. By rubbing the SIM card over one’s head one can attract the hemoglobin to course through the hair causing un-erupted stalks of hair to erupt from the scalp while keeping the erupted ones straight as a line.

It’s the complete cure for baldness and it works. That’s how I covered my bald spot and now I’m sexy.

But Sunil Mental has been getting carried away by the lie that his board of directors have propagated to cover their hair growing business. He wants to start dealing in real telecom services. He planned to do this by buying a stake in MTN.MTN has a huge presence in Africa. I don’t want them to partner with Sunil Mental.

The only telecom guy I deal with is Hutchinson.D.Pug. Having another telecom giant trying to dominate the Indian market means I have to find ways of trying to manipulate them. I hate that because I have to use my brain. Thinking causes my blood pressure to rise and other things to fall.

So keeping my health in mind I set out on a covert secret trip. The association of rich guys (headquartered in Mumbai) sponsored my trip. I landed in South Africa a few hours before crucial negotiations between MTN and Hairtel that would seal the deal, were to take place.

Slowly I attracted the attention of all the MTN executives. That’s when I did my famous belly dance. The bouncing of my stomach fat put them in a hypnotic trance. I then poisoned their heads with ideas .Ideas that would lead to the breaking of the Hairtel-MTN partnership.

Time was up, I slowly exited through the back door of the meeting hall and boarded the plane home to Bombay/Mumbai aka the land of Halwa and $$$$$.

In time I received word that the partnership had indeed broken up. I danced around and did the belly dance some more.

It gives me an amazing sense of accomplishment when I succeed. It even gives me more joy when I succeed after having flushed someone else’s plan down the drain. It’s not cheap or immoral. It’s just cool.


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