The Legend Returns

For the past 4 months, I’ve been like a Tiger. Peering silently through the high grass, observing the wildlife as the different species have been going about their daily lives without a care in the world. The zebras have been running around, the gazelles have been sipping gently at the water pools. The hippos and the rhinos have been grazing. The giraffes have been plucking the leaves out of the tall trees .The vultures continue to scavenge. The whales munch on the plankton in the ocean. Dolphins play gently squeaking like chew toys and everyone else just carrying on unaware of what has been unleashed.

Shankar Sharma is back.

The bad brown bear of the stock markets long done serving his one year ban from SEBI has resurfaced .The cheeky fellow has started to make TV appearances putting on a new face, one of a reformed, changed man. Now the others might believe that Sharma is indeed a different guy, one who has changed for the better after his ban but I know Sharma better than anyone else and you can't teach an old bear new tricks.

Sharma can keep preaching till the cows come home and smile his dental package all he wants for the cameras, yapping his gums about the Indian Economy but I will never buy it.

Sharma and I are enemies, that’s a well known fact. Sharma thinks he is not only my enemy but also my arch nemesis. The anti thesis to everything I am. The anti matter to my matter. The negative to my positive. The Good Day Chocolate Chip Cookie to my Parle Hide and Seek. Heck, the Stardust to my Filmfare. What Sharma fails to understand is that while I consider him to be an enemy, I don't consider him to be my arch nemesis simply because the only one capable of beating ME is ME alone.

So Sharma can delude himself that he is my arch nemesis but in reality he can only muster enough to be an arch, like this one:

Hehehe!

For the sake of drama and fun I’ll even say Sharma is like the Joker and I am Batman not because Shankar is as evil as the Joker but because he is a clown and a joker.

Now that Sharma and his sidekick wife Devina Mehra aka Crazy Kung Fu Hair Lady (A Woman Whose Hair Makes That Thing On Sonu Nigam's Head Look Like The Taj Mahal )

are back to their devious ways it is but natural that my recent sabbatical too come to an end. For the past few months I’ve been taking a break, spending time with my family, My Mom, Wife, The J twins Aryaman and Aryavir and My little princess Nishtha!

I’ve been celebrating my darling wife Rekha's and My 25^th Wedding Anniversary.

Doing other things like watching my diabetes, expanding my philanthropic nature by doing kickass Nobel prize winning charity and spending time at my ultra mega super duper fantastic excellently excellent pinnacle of luxury posh Lonavala resdidence.

But now that Sharma is back, it is time for the guardian of Dalal Street and overall greatest person ever in the history of history, THE SEXY BEAST, THE GINORMOUS BULL, THE CRUSHER OF FOES, THE FOLDER OF TOES, THE RHYMER OF FOES WITH TOES, THE UNDISPUTED SEXIEST PERSON OF ALL TIME, THE GREATEST OF THE GREATS, THE KING OF KINGS, EMPEROR, RULER AND OVERALL F*CKIN GOD OF AWESOMENESS (I’M TALKING ABOUT ME) to also make his return from sabbatical.

THE LEGEND RETURNS

 

 

India's Next Big Investment Opportunity

As I look out for new Investment opportunities, this being a constant quest I land upon many interesting avenues. After the Muhurat Trading of Samvat 2068, I am wondering if the next big Investment Sector in India is the field of POLITICAL MEDICINE. I recently received this brochure and am seriously considering picking up a stake in SAFE HAVEN HOSPITAL. Looks like a super-mega-duper-Guaranteed Multibagger!

_______________________________________________________________________________

SAFE HAVEN HOSPITAL® recognized by the Indian Medical Council accredited with ISO 9800:2011 Rating and awarded 5/5 stars by Taran Adarsh proudly announces the countrywide launch of its highly praised critically acclaimed POLITICIAN RESCUE PROGRAM™

 

ÞIdeally suited for Scam Tainted, Criminally Charged, Jail Bound MLA's and MP'S

ÞExcellent Hospitality provided to Police and CBI arrested political criminals. Experience the finest experience in POLITICAL MEDICINE! We Provide the ultimate SAFE HAVENS to Politicians.

ÞTake advantage of our world class infrastructure! Relax in your own 5 STAR AC Hospital Room/Ward where our dedicated Hospital Staff will protect you from Law Enforcement Agencies

ÞRecommended by highly respected scamster politicians who have experienced our facilities first hand like Madhu Koda, Amar Singh, BS Yeddyurappa, A.Raja, Suresh Kalmadi, Amit Shah, Mickey Pacheco and many more!

ÞGet 'Just Like Home' feeling with your very own LCD TV, Jacuzzi, King Size Bed, custom made politician Kurta/Sari attire all in your very own Room/Ward!

ÞBe provided with the best possible Medical Care by our highly qualified team of Doctors and Surgeons who will easily testify in Court that you have serious Medical Conditions which will help you avoid Jail and stay instead in our Hospital!

ÞChoose your very own disease to be diagnosed with such as Malaria, Pneumonia, Constipation, Diarrhea, Sexually Transmitted Diseases like Chlamydia and Gonorrhea or stick to the popular options like "High BP", "Stomach Pain" and "Breathing Trouble"

ÞTake advantage of our own highly specialized Hospital Legal Cell who will work with our Doctors to ensure that you get bail for your Medical condition and thus avoid Jail!

ÞEnjoy 100% secure and Extensive Wi-Fi + 3G Internet to conduct your secret online Swiss Banking transactions without fear

ÞGet access to our grand Hospital Meeting Room which you can use to meet with political colleagues to strategize how you can avoid being prosecuted by law despite being a corrupt scamster

ÞChoose from any of our attractively priced ARREST AVOIDANCE PACKAGES©™ to suit your needs :

So what are you waiting for? If you are a Politician who is in Jail or about to be sent there admit yourself in SAFE HAVEN HOSPITAL® immediately. Avoid Jail time and enjoy life in hospital instead fulltime! GET THE BEST IN POLITICAL MEDICINE TODAY WITH SAFE HAVEN HOSPITAL. GET ADMITTED TODAY! 

Hello, Rakesh Jhunjhunwala Now Comes With 25% Extra!!!

There are people who say “ALWAYS GIVE A 100 %” in whatever endeavors you undertake. I’ll tell these people right now that they are wrong! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG and more WRONG Dammit! Whatever I say is right and right now I am saying that one must never give a 100%. Rather they must always give 25%.

This is why I made an announcement recently that I intend to give 25% of my wealth away towards charity and the betterment of society.

I mean I have so much money that even Mukesh Ambani borrows from me. Who do you think keeps Reliance's shares on the BSE Sensex huh? So 25 percent is not going to affect me much. I can buy this whole planet, this whole solar system, this whole galaxy and if needed the entire universe if I wanted with the remaining 75% and still have enough cash to lead the high rolling, stake holding, gold bearing, diamond owning, yacht sailing, jet riding, snow skiing, Rolls racing, Helicopter flying, Samosa eating, booze guzzling, red carpet pimping, Note crunching Legendary Investor life that I already lead....RIGHT.

But this 25 percent will make a difference in the lives of those who need it. I am glad that in a country where poverty is a way of life 1 super awesome fantastic human being jumped forth from the drudgery of the melancholy of society to herald a beacon of kindness and philanthropy to the multitudes of poverty thereby inspiring even the inspired to a state of giving.

I am the giver of givers, the kindest of the kind, the coolest of the cool, the awesomest of the awesome and the humblest of the humble! Oh glorious day! I make myself spill tears of joy at the sheer ecstatic pleasurable benevolence of my supremely supreme wonderful mega giving nature.

But why 25%? Why not 24% or 26% or even 47.876543901353749407153380245731%??????

The answer is simple. Marvel at the mathematical precision of this wonderful percentage called 25. For starters take a look at this picture of Rakhi Sawant:

Now look at Rakhi Sawant's CHEST AREA WITH 25 % EXTRA.

This clearly demonstrates the power of 25 percent. Nonetheless for the sake of convenience I shall re-explain.

Here is Anil Kapoor with normal percentage of Chest Hair:

Now look at Anil Kapoor with 25% EXTRA CHEST HAIR.

Still don't get it? Then this will make things even clearer. Forget Anil Kapoor; now look at Sonam Kapoor with normal chest hair:

Now look at Sonam Kapoor with 25% EXTRA CHEST HAIR.

See! This is why 25% is such a magical figure and it is by philanthropy-izing alone that a suitable tribute can be paid to this wonderfully wonderful harmony of numerals juxtaposed into a percentage syntax.

Now watch and listen to this mega danceable song from ‘Heyy Babyy’ which also has 25% more!
 

Battle Of The Exchanges

See what happened this week. First the NSE plans to start its trading session at 9 am so that the East Asian dudes everyone from Singapore to Indonesia, the Seoul Korean KOSPI lovers and the Nikkei Japanese Hakka noodle eaters can invest in India for an extra hour.

Immediately the Bombay Stock Exchange gets wind of this and decides to open at 9:45 am on a mic check, mic check, testing 1...2…3 basis.

Now the NSE doesn’t like this, not one bit. They make a major announcement: Henceforth the National Stock Exchange will open even earlier- at 9:00 am.

The Bombay stock exchange makes an announcement 10 seconds later that they too will open for business at 9:00 am.

So from Next year the Markets will open at 9 am.

This makes the Securities Exchange Board of India aka SEBI think. Think deep. CB Bhave the chief of SEBI known also as SEBI Bhave is now discussing the implications of these moves with our Hon-Her-Able Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee.

But what does this mean for Rocky J? One trader asked me if this would be a problem for me.

‘Ha!’ I said ‘Till Today Rocky J hasn’t met a problem whose ass he couldn’t kick’.

Think about the massive implications:

1 extra hour/day = 5 extra hours/week =20 extra hours/month=240 extra hours/year *

*(The above calculation is exclusive of the list of declared market holidays. The list of declared Market Holidays for the year 2009 and 2010 can be found on the respective websites of the BSE and the NSE. Links to which I have no intention of providing. You are free to complain about my impoliteness to SEBI, a complaint form is found on the SEBI website. Once again I have no intention of providing the link to this website. )

If I am to make even 2 crores every extra hour then I’d be making 480 extra crores every year simply because the markets trade 1 extra hour everyday.

But this also means that the Mukherjee’s Udayan and Mitali will have to be on TV one hour earlier.

Plastic Face Shruti Ruparel from UTVi will have to spend one extra hour everyday learning that the Bombay Stock Exchange is an Exchange where securities are traded and not a hospital where sex-change operations are performed. It’s pronounced Bombay Stock Exchange not Bombay Stock Sexchange.

Ashwani Gujral will have to sit on his massive chair for 1 extra hour and set stop loss targets with a 2% price differential for another extra hour.

Ambareesh Baliga will have to ramble for one extra hour everyday explaining why the stocks he picked yesterday flopped as usual.

SP Tulsian will buy Reliance for one extra hour everyday “Because Reliance Is A Good Company”

Samir Arora from Helios Capital will spend one more hour everyday blaming FII’s (Foreign Institutional Investors ) for ‘Unusual And Highly Volatile Market Activity’

Brokers will take credit for every right call they make and blame sub-brokers for every wrong call they make for one extra hour everyday.

I love it when a plan comes together. I wonder if I had anything to do with it. One extra hour.

Screw You Environmentalists, I’m Bursting Crackers

I hate stupid activists, environmentalists, and ultra conservatives. I really do.

These guys with their so called moral high grounds. God Damn You Bloody Environmentalists.

Don’t Go Out In the Sun – You’ll get Skin Cancer.

Don’t Go to Public Places-Someone Will Cough Then You’ll Get Swine Flu.

Don’t Play Video Games – You’ll Become Addicted to Them.

Don’t Listen To Heavy Metal – You’ll become a Devil Worshipper.

Don’t Go To The Market- Some Terrorist Bomb Blast Will Take Place.

Don’t Go To The Beach – Tsunami Will Drown You.

Don’t Go To The Park – Some Guy Will Rob You.

Don’t Arrest Naxals - Their Human Rights Will Be Violated.

Don’t Go To The ATM- Someone Will Steal Your Pin Number.

Don’t Stay At Home- An Earthquake Will Destroy Your House.

The shitheads wont even leave Brinjals alone – don’t eat BT Brinjals, you’ll become a 67 legged mutant freak show with sexually transmitted diseases.

I wonder why these people are so scared all the time. Are they so scared that they refuse to fart for fear that they’ll actually shit their pants?

Just leave Brinjals alone, you got it. Why can’t you people leave Brinjals alone?

What have the Brinjals ever done to you?

And here’s the newest one don’t burst any crackers this Diwali because global warming will increase and the pollution will kill us all and we’ll all be reincarnated as pine tree furniture.

I’m Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. I’m The World’s 1062^nd Richest Man. I will do exactly what I want to do this Diwali.

I’m gonna raise as much hell and kick as much ass as I want. Eat as many sweets, smoke as many cigars and burst as many crackers as I want.

I mean I work hard the rest of the year…right. I deserve to blast fireworks outside Rare Enterprises if I want.

So I’ll do what I want and all the shithead environmentalists and global warming fanatics can go hang themselves.

This is the first weekend of Samvat 2066, I’m getting ready for the Muhurat trading session tonight on the BSE.Every year I walk into the Muhurat trading session, and people prostrate themselves before me. Traders sing my hymns, SEBI officials give me bouquets and flowers. Women blow kisses at me. The managements of all the companies I have a stake in present me free merchandise everything from custom made clothes to custom made watches and jewelry. Managements of all the companies which I don’t have a stake in try to suck up to me and give me free tickets to IPL matches and even more goodies.

I get the same reception that the guy in the Intel ad gets.

Except it’s a 100000000000 times more lavish and filled with grandeur.

Tonight and over the weekend you can also watch me on business channels .Watch me at 3pm and 8pm on the Samvat 2066 market special on CNBC TV18.I will also be around on other business channels this Diwali weekend.

And just to piss off the environmentalists, I‘m gonna burst even more crackers and if they show up outside my Il palazzo flat and my weekend Rare Villa then I’ll attach their puny French fried bodies to my custom built ISRO rockets and launch them into orbit.

I’m Rakesh Jhunjhunwala and I’m gonna have a blast this Diwali.

To all the readers of my Secret Journal I wish all of you a very Happy Diwali. I hope all of you become rich and prosperous – but less rich and less prosperous than me.

Global warming and environmentalists, kiss my ass.

Fireworks, here I come.

The BOE v/s Ketan Parekh

Beware everybody, Ketan Parekh is on the loose again.

Whenever KP strikes, he uses his evil henchmen known as the K10 syndicate to perpetuate his evil designs.

Like I always say “SEBI will find a way to screw things up”

Because KP is back to his evil ways, SEBI has decided to deal with him in the only way it knows how – pass on the responsibility to someone else.

This someone else can be anyone from the CBI, Mumbai Police, The Home Ministry, The Supreme Court, Censor Board, Women’s Commission, Association of Child Welfare, National Egg Coordination Committee, The Judges of Indian Idol, Femina Miss India Contestants, Mtv Veejays, Children From Slumdog Millionaire Or Random People From The Street. None of whom will ever stop Ketan Parekh.

In fact if it wasn’t for me then SEBI wouldn’t have even realized that KP is indeed a criminal. They thought that he was yet another Gujarati who was simply using the Bombay Stock Exchange as a building to get his daily dose of morning exercise.

It was only after I told them that One Hundred Crore had gone missing and thousands of people had lost their life savings that they finally decided that it was a reasonable amount to do something about.

Now that KP has found yet another way to beat SEBI, SEBI has done what it usually does. This time it has passed on the responsibility to something called the ‘Enforcement Directorate’.

In order to stop the K10 syndicate and other deviant entities in the Indian markets a top secret organization was formed in 2001 by order of the Government’s Secret Amendment Of The Secret Constitution Of Secret Stockbreaking Under The Secret Section Of The Secret Stockbrokers Act Of The Secret Samvat Year Of 2060.

If you still don’t get it, it’s because it’s a secret.

The organization is known only as the ‘BROTHERS OF EQUITY’. Its members include Motilal Oswal, Samir Arora, Ramesh Damani, Madhu Kela and its most important Member, Chairman, President, Boss, CEO, Managing Director And King.

Mr.Dr.Sri.Rakesh Jhunjhunwala.

You would have never heard of the ‘BROTHERS OF EQUITY’, we are an organization so secret that we are mentioned by name only on secret journals that are read in secret by those who seek secrets.

If you were to ever ask any of us about the ‘BROTHERS OF EQUITY’ we would deny any knowledge of it and have you committed in a mental institution on charges of being a nutcase.

The motto of the Brothers Of Equity is simple, direct and to the point. It even won ‘The Best Secret Catchphrase Award’ at this year’s ‘Secret Awards’ for ‘Secret Catchphrases Of Secret Organizations’.

It goes as follows:

‘In Jhunjhunwala We Trust’

Shakespeare style:

‘In Jhunjhunwalaeth We Eth Trusteth’

Our logo looks like this:

There are some organizations like the RSS which are organizations only and not secret organizations. You will never find the Brothers Of Equity wearing chaddis like the RSS Chaddi Boys.

The Brothers of Equity (BOE) had a secret meeting at a secret location where we discussed the many ways in which we could disarm the K10 syndicate and destroy KP forever.

1) Kidnap the PIGEON nesting on Sonam Kapoor’s head and throw that pigeon at Ketan Parekh at the rate of 720 kmph. Better still forget the pigeon, throw Sonam Kapoor at Ketan Parekh at the rate of 1090 kmph. That should do it. The collision would cause a brain hemorrhage in KP and bring about a greater good. The end of the PIGEON HEAD SONAM KAPOOR who would die in the collision.

2) Make the K10 watch 1000 hours of non stop BALIKA VADHU.

3) Put KP and the K10 in a room with bandmasters Rangila and Rasila.Have HARISH BAND(last seen in Dev D) blow as hard as possible on their trumpets while performing the hit song with a spelling mistake ‘EMOSIONAL ATYACHAR’.The sound of the trumpet at close range is guaranteed to cause massive heart attacks.

4) Take the K10 hostage at gunpoint and force them to make a comparative study of the ‘BEFORE’ and ‘AFTER’ images of Harsha Bhogle upon his using ‘Kesh Yog’ hair oil from Telebrands. Shoot them if they are unable to account for the recent spurt of hair growth on the skull of Harsha Bhogle.

5) Use image therapy again but this time show them the ‘BEFORE’ and ‘AFTER’ shots of Koena Mitra’s excellent nose surgery. Tell KP to plot a mathematical graph showing the rate at which Koena’s nose will end up looking like Michael Jackson’s nose.

KP will be unable to do this as the graph requires constant values, Michael Jackson’s nose changes according to time therefore making his nose a variable. Since Ketan will be unable to predict the rate of decline of Koena’s nose as compared to Michael Jackson he can be hung until death according to the Indian government’s secret act of secret hanging of people who fail to secretly diagnose the secret rate of decline of the secret nose of Koena Mitra.

6) Hypnotize the K10 by making them watch in slow motion the repeated sideways movement and rhythmic shaking of Priyanka Chopra’s buttocks in the Nokia Ad.

7) Tell Padamsingh Patil about KP.He’ll get rid of him.

8) Make them listen to a never ending sequence of nursery rhymes sung in the voice of India’s new Lok Sabha Speaker Shrimati Meira Kumar.

9) Lure them into a false sense of security on the pretext of non violent resistance and gift them a holiday to Australia. When they get there they’ll surely be beaten by Australian punks in the name of racism and anger over the Australian team being knocked out of the World T20 by brown skinned Asian people.

10) Kidnap ARUN GIRI from UTVi headquarters. Shave of his moustache and use his distilled moustache hair as a food poisoning agent .Plant Arun Giri’s moustache hair in the food of the K10.The fatal Arun Giri moustache hair is guaranteed to choke them and poison their central nervous system thus rendering them all dead.

I always knew that Arun Giri’s moustache hair would one day kill Ketan Parekh.

The potency of Arun Giri’s moustache can be exceeded only by the potency of another moustache.

That of the one known as Rocky J.