Friday, September 23, 2011

Freak Answers To Existential Questions

[  This post was originally written for the Hindustan Times and appeared on the HT Brunch site on September 21,2011 ]

Who am I? Why am I here? Does intelligent alien life really exist? These are some of the questions which run through the mind at a philosophical level. Luckily for you none of these questions are answered below. Instead more important questions have been answered with amazingly freaky wisdom. Check it out!

Q: Sometimes when I blog people troll me with unwanted moronic comments. What should I do?

A: You should find out where these people live and then go and kill them.

Q: Why did the Chicken cross the road?

A: Concerning yourself with the motives of poultry animals and other livestock as regards to their actions upon them encountering open cemented tar ways used for travel and transport will not help you. Focus on your career instead.

Q: I want to lose weight quickly, how do I do this?

A: Cut off your hands and legs . This will 100% cause you to drop a few kgs rightaway.

Q: What is an appropriate time in my life to buy a big plastic sheet?

A: You should buy a plastic sheet when you decide to lose weight and hence cut off your arms and legs. This will cause blood to fall all over the floor.Having a plastic sheet spread out makes cleaning easier.

Q: Who is Shruti Singh Bhatnagar?

A: I don't know. Go to Google and find out.

Q: Why do you read books when there is free TV around?

A: I like looking at page numbers.

Q: I'm an obnoxious little Shithead who likes to sometimes dress like a two dollar whore. What is the right way to take advantage of this?

A: You should consider a career in Reality TV

Q: Does playing Angry Birds on my iPhone all the time make me a Bird Brain?

A: No, the iPhone was invented for the purpose of playing Angry Birds. Not playing it on your iPhone would make you a Bird Brain.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

How The Indian F1 Grand Prix Got Its Permission

As many of you know India will host its first ever F1 Grand Prix in Delhi next month. Of course any event held in India no matter how important worldwide has to pass the indigenous Indian procedure. The F1 Grand Prix is no different. These buggers are running into trouble with the Customs Department.

But a few days ago, they ran into similar trouble with the Police Department. You see, in order to race in India you need to get Police approval first. So the Organizers of the Indian GrandPrix, Jaypee Sports International (JPSI) sent their MD Sameer Gaur to get permission from the Police Department along with F1 Driver for the Red Bull team, Sebastian Vettel .

 Unfortunately for them they ran into a good friend of mine, Head Constable Satish Tawade who was till recently posted in Ghatkopar. Of course now he has been transferred to Delhi and when the F1 people met Tawade, this is what happened:


Gaur : Sir ,Hum aapse milne aaye hain

Tawade : Accha,mein samjha ki aap chor hain

Gaur : Huh? Woh kyun Sir?
Tawade : Kyunki yeh Police Station hain. Yahan Sirf Chor ya Police aate hain. Aap toh Police hain nahin,toh mene samjha ki aap chor hain

Gaur : Hahaha! Kya joke karte hain Sir aap bhi,you have wonderful sense of humor

Tawade : ….Sense of kya?....chal chod…nonsense!! Yahan pe kai ko aaya? FIR likhwana hai kya?

Gaur: Nahin,nahin,Sir,hum permission chahte hain. We want permission

Tawade : Kiskeliye permission? Tera beta ka shaadi hai ?

Gaur: Nahin,nahin Sir! Asal mein hum agle mahine Delhi mein F1 race karna chahte hain,issliye thoda permission mila toh….

Tawade : F1? Yeh kya F1? School mein tera section kya,F1? Eh?

Gaur: No,no,Sir.F1 maane grand prix,car racing ,Woh

Tawade : Accha.Toh tu car racing karna chahta hai aur isliye permission mangta?

Gaur: Absolutely Sir,haan Sir,bilkul

Tawade : Hmmm….Yeh angrez tere saath hai woh kaun hai?

Gaur: Sir,yeh hai ek F1 ….err….car racing ka driver.Yeh bhi race karenge.Yeh Germany desh ke hain aur aapse milne aaye hain toh aap please permission deh dijiye na Sir!

Tawade (points to Vettel) : Tera naam kya hai re? What is your name?

Vettel : Uh….Vettel….Sebastian Vettel

Tawade : Eh! Vittal? Vittal! Aila mein toh samjha ki tu angrez hain,lekin tu toh Maharashtra ka nikla.Very good! Jai Maharashtra!!

Gaur: Sir,Sir! Iska naam vittal nahin Vettel hai aur yeh Maharashtra se nahin,Germany se hi hain . Wahan pe Vettel naam rakhte hain

Tawade : Uhhh…Haan hoga hoga,ab tu bol,yahan Delhi mein tu kyun race karna chahta hain? 

Gaur: Sir,yeh event hai,matlab competition,bahut driver iski tarah aayenge aur race karenge,aur joh race jeetega usse prize milega.Log bhi dekhenge. Isse desh ka naam badhega,economy aage badhega…

Tawade : Aisa kya…hmmm

(points to Vettel again)
Tu India mein hi kyun race karna chahta hain? Sirf yahin jagah mila kya? Tere desh mein road nahin hai kya? Wahan pe jaake karna F1 race! Yahan pe aake humko kyun tang karta hai? 

Vettel : I don’t understand what you are saying,I don’t know Hindi..

Tawade : I saying….why you want to do the race in India?

Vettel : Because F1 loves India and India loves F1.Indian fans are the best yeah! 

Tawade ( Points at Vettel):  Yeh kya bol raha hai?

Gaur: Sir,yeh kehe raha hai ki Bharat mein racing ko yeh badhana chahte hain,yahaan pe yeh sport famous karna chahte hain…

Tawade : That teri!! Yeh kaisa sport hai? Racing,chee!

Tawade (Points to Vettel ) : Why you want to do racing? You play Cricket no like normal log? IPL,IPL dekha tune? You have seen IPL? Cricket, very nice

Gaur: Sir ,Yeh cricket nahin khel sakta,yeh F1 driver hai,F1. Race car driver…

Tawade : Yeh kya re F1! F1,F1 karke laga hain tab se!!! Saala…..F1 tere baap ki….

Tawade(Looks at Vettel) : So you are driver,Yes?

Vettel : Yeah,I drive for Red Bull

Tawade : You know Ganpat?

Vettel : Gun…who?...sorry!

Ganpat,Ganpat! He also driver like you.He is my aunty son.He also do the driving for the Utpal Garments. You know him? He here only near Qutub Minar

Vettel : Err…eh….errr… sorry,I don’t know him!

Tawade : Yes,yes. He very good driver. Say if you want job you tell me ..Uh. I know one Sethji who want driver. 6000 salary OK for you?

Gaur:  Sir! Sir! Yeh aisa waisa driver nahin hain…..

Tawade : Toh kaisa driver hai saala! Bus chalata hai kya?

Gaur: Nahin,nahin Sir.Yeh race karta hai na,race car driver hai

Tawade : Accha,accha

Gaur:  Haan Sir. Iski tarah sab driver race karenge. Isme bharat ka bhi ek F1 team hai,aap ne suna hoga, Force India, Woh bhi bhaag lega race mein. Team malik ko toh aap jaante hi honge,Vijay Mallya Sahab…

Tawade : Kaun,woh daaru bechne waala? !

Gaur:  Ha!Ha! wohi,wohi,UB Group ke head Vijay Mallya


Tawade :  Dekho, yeh Mallya daaru bhejta hai aur aap bol rahe ho ki uska hi driver race mein gaadi chalayega. Peeke toh gaadi chalayega toh nahin?!!!

Gaur: Ha! Nahin Sir. Woh professional hai,bilkul peeke drive nahin karega

Tawade : Eh! Hasna mat huh! Ek drunk driving ka case lagaa doo na,saala Mallya aur driver dono ko lockup ke andar karke aisa maroonga ki jab bhi toilet jaayega itna pain feel karega ke racing ka bhoot poori tarah se neeche utar ke aa jayega….kya?

Gaur:  Nahin,Nahin,Sir,mein Sirf bata raha tha ki yeh sab nahin hoga. Koi bhi peekar drive nahin karega
Tawade : Hmmm…
[Points to Vettel]
Oye Vittal,license hai kya tere paas? Chal apna license nikaal

Vettel : Excuse me,My license?!!

Tawade :  Yes license,Driver License,you have,show me
Vettel :  No,I left my license at the hotel,I don’t have it with me now…

Tawade :  Saala …haraami….dushman ki aulad…. How I can give permission if you don’t have license?!!! Eh! Bewakoof kahika!!

Gaur:   Sir,Sir,license hum laa denge na. Abhi bhijwadeta hoon

Tawade : Chalo,gaadi ka emission test certificate dikhao

Vettel :  Emission Whaa?

Gaur:  Sir,yeh aisa waisa gaadi nahin hai,yeh race car hai, Ferrari ka ,Red bull ka, aisa, Iska emission test ab tak nahi hua

Tawade :  Paagal ho gaya hai kya? License nahin,Emission certificate nahin, Permission kaise du? Yeh Chori ki gaadi  toh nahin?

Gaur:  Nahin,nahin Sir! Bilkul nahin,factory ka gaadi hai. Sir aap thoda wait karenge toh license,emission aur saare documents aapke saamne rakh doonga.Bas ek ghanta dijiye…

Tawade :  Chalo,theek hai.Tu mujhe pasand aaya.Issliye ek ghanta diya.Kyun re Vittal?

Vettel :  uh..uh

Gaur:  Sir,aur bhi car honge,unke liye hum sab thoda le-dekar yahin adjust kar le toh…

Tawade :  hmmm

Gaur:  Maane,matlab,thoda Chai Paani,Mithai, Paisa…

Tawade :  Arre! Yeh toh pehle hi bol deta naa! Phir Race Car ka Kya Plane racing ka bhi permission de dete hum!!! Hahah!

Gaur:  Ha! Correct Sir,hamari galti!

Gaur:   Mein abhi ke abhi mere assistant se briefcase bhijwata hoon..

Tawade :  Haan,theek hai. Chalo permission diya tujhko.

Gaur:  Yay! Yay! Shukriya Sir. Bahut shukriya!

Tawade :  Haan,kyun re Vittal? Khush kya ab?

Gaur:  He is asking if you are happy because he has given the permission

Vettel :  Oh yes! Very much. Thank you! Please come and watch the race on 30th October at NOIDA

Tawade :  Yes,Yes

Gaur:  Sir, Race dekh rahein hai na?

Tawade : Arre! Hum toh race already dekh chuke hain. Lekin aap kehen rahein hai toh ek aur baar dekh lenge. Mast picture hai! RACE!!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Jhunjhunwala Times - Sharad Pawar To Go On Indefinite Fast To Protest Listing Of Assets At Just 12 Crores


Sharadchandra Govindrao Pawar aka Sharad Pawar, Hon-Her-Able Agriculture Minister, Government Of India and International Cricket Council or "ICC" President has filed a case today in the Supreme Court against the Accounts Department of the Enforcement Directorate for misrepresentation of his assets in the recently published assets disclosure on the Prime Minister's website.

The complaint petition was filed earlier by Lawyer Ram Jethmalani. The case has been gaining momentum and national outrage ever since Pawar's "Self Disclosed" assets were listed as 12 CRORES only.

Pawar broke down into tears as he made an appearance on India’s Most Desirable with Simi Garewal. As he wiped his nose on Simi’s White Handkerchief, an emotional Pawar quipped "I am deeply hurt. There is absolutely no recognition of talent in this country. I have dedicated my entirelife towards corruption and to be told that my assets are worth only 12 crore rupees not only deeply hurts me but is also embarrassing. What will all my political colleagues think of me now? They worship me, with what face can I go and stand in front of them with assets listed as only 12 Crores? "

"It’s humiliating. I trusted the ED to do a proper valuation of my assets. I have an impeccable track record in the Telgi Stamp Paper Scam, As Food Minister, As Sugar Lobby King, As BCCI and ICC Chief, As Maharashtra Chief Minister, As A Real Estate Developer, I can just go on and on. I have made assets in all these so how can anyone expect to believe that my assets are just worth a paltry 12 crore? THIS IS CHILLAR MONEY.BLOODY EVEN SHAH RUKH KHAN MAKES MORE THAN THIS BY DANCING AT MARRIAGES!!!"

Public support for Pawar has been swift and growing rapidly. His struggle for a proper valuation of his assets is soon to be the next big revolutionary movement after the recent Anna Hazare fast at Ramlila Maidan. Pawar too is planning to go on an indefinite hunger strike till his assets are revalued and their correct value is published. Support for Pawar has swelled in colleges and offices throughout India with the energetic youth of the country eagerly backing Pawar.

One such young person Anuj Sikander, First Year Student at Arindam Chaudhuri Polytechnic Institute of Chicken Counting energetically screamed amidst thousands of fellow supporters at a planning meet for Pawar's fast “What Sharad Saheb is doing is for the youth of India. It is for the young people like you and me. It is for our future, that’s why we are all supporting him. Today the government is valuing Sharad Sir’s assets at only 12 crore. Tomorrow if I win an election and make assets will they value my assets also for 12 crore? We will not quit till they revalue Sharad Sir's assets. SHARAD PAWAR AAGE BADHO, HUM TUMHARE SAAATH HAIN!!"

Sharad Pawar has also become a fashion icon. Thousands of people supporting his asset revaluation are wearing the iconic Gandhi cap with the words ‘I AM SHARAD’ transcribed on them. While last week they had written ‘I Am Anna’ on their caps, this week they are writing I AM SHARAD clearly sending a symbolic message to the establishment that they will no longer take the issue of asset undervaluation lying down.

Bollywood has also chimed in with support for Pawar. Apart from superstars Fardeen Khan and Esha Deol, Mega Star Salman Khan who is recovering from nerve surgery in the US is also supporting Pawar. Salman infact has released his own line of t-shirts through his charity in support of Pawar called 'BEING SHARAD'.


Can an already tired government afford to further displease an aggravated Sharad Pawar by not agreeing to revaluate his assets especially with an ever increasing mass movement behind him? Can the government salvage this situation somehow by reworking Pawar's 12 crore asset declaration? Keep reading The Jhunjhunwala Times for in depth coverage on Sharad's PAWAR-PLAY.

[Catch us online on facebook and twitter for upto the Nano second coverage!]

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