Friday, September 23, 2011

Freak Answers To Existential Questions

[  This post was originally written for the Hindustan Times and appeared on the HT Brunch site on September 21,2011 ]

Who am I? Why am I here? Does intelligent alien life really exist? These are some of the questions which run through the mind at a philosophical level. Luckily for you none of these questions are answered below. Instead more important questions have been answered with amazingly freaky wisdom. Check it out!

Q: Sometimes when I blog people troll me with unwanted moronic comments. What should I do?

A: You should find out where these people live and then go and kill them.

Q: Why did the Chicken cross the road?

A: Concerning yourself with the motives of poultry animals and other livestock as regards to their actions upon them encountering open cemented tar ways used for travel and transport will not help you. Focus on your career instead.

Q: I want to lose weight quickly, how do I do this?

A: Cut off your hands and legs . This will 100% cause you to drop a few kgs rightaway.

Q: What is an appropriate time in my life to buy a big plastic sheet?

A: You should buy a plastic sheet when you decide to lose weight and hence cut off your arms and legs. This will cause blood to fall all over the floor.Having a plastic sheet spread out makes cleaning easier.

Q: Who is Shruti Singh Bhatnagar?

A: I don't know. Go to Google and find out.

Q: Why do you read books when there is free TV around?

A: I like looking at page numbers.

Q: I'm an obnoxious little Shithead who likes to sometimes dress like a two dollar whore. What is the right way to take advantage of this?

A: You should consider a career in Reality TV

Q: Does playing Angry Birds on my iPhone all the time make me a Bird Brain?

A: No, the iPhone was invented for the purpose of playing Angry Birds. Not playing it on your iPhone would make you a Bird Brain.
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