The Misinterpretation Of Pritish Nandy

Here lies the misinterpretation of Pritish Uncle from the Twitter Steel Cage Match on Saturday. This is your Republic Day present so don’t ask me for anything else.

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Twitter Pitch Report By Ravi Shastri: “Wonderful weather today, great crowd expected for this mega blockbuster event. Let’s take a look at the pitch now.

I just get the feeling that there's a lot of grass on the surface but it looks like it will also help spin so when either of the participants punch, their fists can spin and Knock Out the other one. Extra humidity in the air but we can expect the dew factor on the canvas later.

Back to the studio.”

Mandira Bedi: “Thanks Ravi, lets take a look at the vital statistics here.”

@Jhunjhunwala	@PritishNandy
Occupation: Legendary Investor.	Occupation: Film Producer, Journalist.
Twitter Bio: I Invented Twitter For I Always Knew I Was Going To Tweet About Being Rich.	Twitter Bio: A chronicler of my times. Sometimes truthful. Sometimes not. But always searching for something I can never find.
TWITTER DP : Close Up Head Shot Looking To The left. Face full of Awesomeness.	TWITTER DP : Front Pose, Smiling Face, Yellow T-Shirt.
Nickname : Rocky J	Nickname :Pritish Uncle
Tweeting Style: Phenomenal 140 Character Based Tweets Of Sheer Technique And Ecstasy.	Tweeting Style: Direct, Talks To Everyone, Alas! That’s His Problem.
Advantages: Heavy Size, Can Deliver A Devastating Body Slam. Damage Impact Of Punches And Kicks Minimized Due To Fat Barrier.	Advantages: Razor Sharp Goatee. Shaved Head Can Deliver Impressive Head Butt.

Pre Match Comments:

I HAVE ARRIVED - GET READY TO FIGHT @pritishnandy !

@jhunjhunwala Audience is seated, Mic check,mic check.....

@jhunjhunwala Come on @PritishNandy ,the spectators are waiting.They want blood.

@jhunjhunwala Are you running late because of Delhi Fog?

@jhunjhunwala @pritishnandy is running late ,last minute training from Sunil Shetty.

@pritishnandy Veer is my trainer. Jahan se pakrunga panch ser gosht nikal doonga

@pritishnandy Oh so you are here! I thought you were in deep siesta.

@jhunjhunwala No chance, this is a history making event.Time for a body slam. Eh! referee,tweeple are waiting, ring the bell!

@pritishnandy @achks What fight? I am here, aimlessly drifting. No @jhunjhunwala. Siesta after making a few more crores?

@jhunjhunwala entrance music,explosion,Clothesline,punch,kick,Are You Ready ,not reddy as in Reddy Brother.

@pritishnandy I am ready Sirji. I love fat combatants. They move slow.

@jhunjhunwala Allright,I shall make you pay ! OK Folks,We start now.Wait for The Hulk Hogan Entrance call.

@pritishnandy Tell me what I Hulk Hogan call will be like so that I can expect it. Shouldnt be like a sparrow chirruping.

@pritishnandy Shall I call @mexicantadka to distract you?

@jhunjhunwala And here we go. ITS ON BROTHER. We start now.

@pritishnandy I am here. Dont make me fall asleep .

Bell rings,ting,ting,ting,match starts now.

@jhunjhunwala You called me FAT.Is this publicity to promote your upcoming film Fatso?

@pritishnandy My apologies. You are not fat. You are linearly challenged. But you are cool. I like cool. Fatso is cool.

BREAKING NEWS : NANDY ACCEPTS COOLNESS OF JHUNJHUNWALA.FANS OF JHUNJHUNWALA CELEBRATE

@jhunjhunwala Everyone is on twitter including Out of work actors.Why then is Mayawati not tweeting.I smell a conspiracy.Is this your fault?

@pritishnandy No, there’s not enough space on twitter for Mayawati, you and Jayalalitha. You have to get a bigger server.

@jhunjhunwala Again with the FAT reference ,looks like I have to start making Bald Jokes!

@pritishnandy Shaved, not bald sirji. I shave my head every other day.

BREAKING NEWS: NANDY ADMITS TO SHAVING OWN HEAD, APPROACHED BY GILLETTE TO TAKE PART IN SHAVE INDIA MOVEMENT.

@jhunjhunwala You were a Rajya Sabha MP,that’s the upper house.Is there a lift in Parliament from the Lok Sabha to the Rajya Sabha?

@pritishnandy No, we just strolled across. But since neither LS nor RS worked more than 60 or 70 days a year, we were largely unemployed.

BREAKING NEWS : NANDY MAKES SENSATIONAL CLAIM.SAYS PARLIAMENT WORKS ONLY FOR 60-70 DAYS A YEAR.MP’S CRY FOWL.SAY NANDY IS SEEKING PUBLICITY AT EXPENSE OF HARD WORKING MP’S.

@jhunjhunwala Free porn is available all over the net,still people are searching for the ND Tiwari Sex Tape.Don’t they need a psychiatrist?

@pritishnandy They want to see the gumption of a 84 year old man who can take on 3 (or was it 4) babes before a camera. I confess I cant.

BREAKING NEWS : ND TIWARI OFFENDED THAT NANDY HAS NOT VIEWED SEX TAPE ‘GOVERNOR: ONE NIGHT IN TIWARI’.PROMISES TO “DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT”.

@jhunjhunwala Did you know that Pritish Nandy rhymes with ‘Free Dish Handy?’

@pritishnandy You have missed your true calling, Firaq Gorakhpuri. You are blessed with a sense of rhyming.

BREAKING NEWS :NANDY CALLS JHUNJHUNWALA GREATEST POET OF LAST 200 YEARS.BROKERS GIVE STANDING OVATION TO RAKESH JHUNJHUNWALA.

@jhunjhunwala If you wanna say ‘Cattle Class’ U should probably say it now.Not saying it implies you disrespect cattle.

@pritishnandy I love cattle. I love all species barring corrupt politicians n celebs who say Yo bro.

@pritishnandy Sorry, typo. Meant Yo bro

BREAKING NEWS :NANDY MAKES TYPO ERROR, JUSTIFIES SPELLING MISTAKE, NATION UP IN ARMS. EDUCATION MINISTER WANTS NANDY TO TAKE SPECIAL CLASSES.NANDY FANS BURN EFFIGIES OF JHUNJHUNWALA FOR MAKING HIM SAY ‘CATTLE CLASS’

@jhunjhunwala The WELL-ness partner of Raat Gayi Baat Gayi is Moksh,3 idiots has a song = ‘All is WELL’.Why are U film guys lovers of WELLS?

@pritishnandy I grew up watching Citizen Kane by Orson Welles.

BREAKING NEWS : NANDY WANTS ROSEBUD. GARDENERS SAY ALL ROSES HAVE BEEN EXPORTED TO DELHI FOR REPUBLIC DAY CELEBRATIONS.NANDY SULKS,DECIDES TO GO ON HUNGER STRIKE FOR ROSEBUDS.

@jhunjhunwala Why are Indian filmstars more interested in premiering their films abroad, instead of premiering it first to us,the Indians?

@pritishnandy Coz Indian films sell almost 3 times more theatre tickets in a year than Hollywood films. Amazing but true.

BREAKING NEWS : VETERAN FILM PRODUCER PRITISH NANDY TO BE GIVEN DADASAHEB PHALKE AWARD FOR REPOSING FAITH IN INDIAN FILM INDUSTRY.RAHUL BOSE TO SHOW GRATITUDE BY ACTING IN FUTURE PYAAR KE SIDE EFFECTS SEQUELS FOR FREE.

@jhunjhunwala Our government keeps saying Pakistan must act,Kasab says he came to India to act in films,hmmm,what’s going on?

@pritishnandy Kasab began as a villain. Is now pretending to be a Marathi manoos. He has learnt his lines well.His handlers have played their role badly. They are no actors. Just plain jokers.

BREAKING NEWS : REHMAN MALIK DEMANDS EVIDENCE THAT KASAB IS AN ACTOR. SAYS NANDY IS USING TWITTER HANDLE TO TALK ABOUT PAK HANDLERS.

@jhunjhunwala Your company is called PNC but many Indians urinate on roadsides.So they basically Pee & See.Will the Peeing&Seeing ever stop?

@pritishnandy Only voyeurs pee n see. Normal folks pee n go. Get your habits checked out, mate. 2 much watching is psychologically damaging.

@jhunjhunwala I just made you say ‘Pee’.

@pritishnandy And I shall soon make you pee in your pants, hot shot fake stock broker.

@jhunjhunwala 'Make me pee in my pants',I laugh. Do you market whizzenators? Fake Baldy coz u r a head shaver!

BREAKING NEWS : NANDY CALLS JHUNJHUNWALA A ‘FAKE’.JHUNJHUNWALA TO FILE DEFAMATION CASE AGAINST NANDY.TRADERS SUPPORT JHUNJHUNWALA BY WEARING BLACK ARM BANDS. CANDLE LIGHT VIGIL IN SUPPORT OF JHUNJHUNWALA TO TAKE PLACE THIS WEEKEND DEMANDING ‘JUSTICE FOR JHUNJHUNWALA’ AS NANDY FLEES COUNTRY AFTER BAIL PLEA REJECTED.

@jhunjhunwala @mishrashiv asks : "When will you again feature in a Music Video?" & "Did you ever use Kunthalamritam Hair Oil?"

BREAKING NEWS : PRITISH UNCLE STAYS MUM ON QUESTION OF ACTING IN MUSIC VIDEOS.OFFERS NO COMMENT EITHER ON BRAND OF HAIR CARE PRODUCT USED.

@jhunjhunwala How many Britney bots are there in your ‘followers’ list.

@pritishnandy Lots. But I don't follow Britney bots. You do.

BREAKING NEWS : NANDY ADMITS TO BEING FOLLOWED BY BRITNEY BOTS. SEEKS POLICE PROTECTION. SAYS TOO MANY IN HIS FOLLOWERS LIST. IMPLIES INVOLVEMENT OF FOREIGN HAND.

@jhunjhunwala Obama got the Nobel Prize last year. Doesn’t our mutual friend Nabeel aka @softykid at least deserve a Nabeel Prize?

@pritishnandy Nabeel is everyone's first friend on twitter. @softykid deserves every award.

BREAKING NEWS :NABEEL GARNERS SUPPORT FROM HEAVYWEIGHTS JHUNJHUNWALA AND NANDY. GOVERNMENT PROMISES TO LOOK INTO PROPOSAL TO GIVE NABEEL EVERY AWARD.KAREENA KAPOOR CRIES FOWL, SAYS NABEEL’S AWARD SHOULD GO TO HER.DECIDES TO LOSE WEIGHT BY GOING FROM SIZE ZERO TO SIZE -1.

@jhunjhunwala I’m not for the politics of sport but 10 Pakistani players aren’t picked by the IPL.Their media raises a shitstorm.Why isn’t the same media outraged when they violated the ceasefire at the LOC 10 times alone this month?

@pritishnandy Simple. Pakistani players are our rivals, not our enemies. The Pakistani army is our enemy.

BREAKING NEWS : RIOTS IN LAHORE AFTER NANDY ACCUSES PAKISTAN ARMY OF BEING INDIA’S ENEMY.PAKISTANI PLAYERS TO BOYCOTT IPL 3 IN PROTEST.LALIT MODI TO UNFOLLOW NANDY FROM TWITTER FOLLOWING LIST.

@jhunjhunwala Be Harry asks “Bihar ka beta fighter aur Bangal ka beta writer.Y are U a fighter amongst writers & a writer amongst fighters”

BREAKING NEWS :NANDY REFUSES TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT BENGAL AND BIHAR.BOTH NITISH KUMAR AND BUDDHADEB BHATTACHARJEE BAN NANDY’S ENTRY INTO RESPECTIVE STATES.

@jhunjhunwala The Ambani brothers fight for gas,the case reaches the Supreme Court in months. Ruchika kills self after being molested.19 years later,case still in high court,Rathore still out on bail. Money+Power=Justice?

@pritishnandy People power eventually ensures justice. Jessica Lal. Nithari. Rathore. You cant escape once we know what you did last summer.Power of money is hugely over estimated. Like the power of size. What happened to Goliath?

BREAKING NEWS :NANDY ADMITS TO BEING FAN OF TEEN FLICK HORROR FILM FRANCHISE ‘I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER’.

@jhunjhunwala Last night RR Patil 3:16 http://bit.ly/6hfRHF snapped his fingers&100 terrorists died.Is he your favorite Home Minister EVER?

@pritishnandy Whats a 100 terrorists to a Home Minister who rendered 800 poor bar girls jobless! He can do anything.

BREAKING NEWS : NANDY LOOKS TO CAST RR PATIL IN UPCOMING FILM.

@jhunjhunwala ‘Lovestory 2050’ is the greatest film in the history of Indian cinema?What about Jungli Chudail-Return Of Chudail?

@pritishnandy Go buy stocks. Your choice of movies suck.

@jhunjhunwala Oh! looks like I have to buy PNC stock,tempting offer though.Movies that rock.

@pritishnandy Dont just buy me out. I have to earn a livelihood.

BREAKING NEWS :PNC STOCK CRASHES 70 PERCENT IN AFTERNOON TRADE AS JHUNJHUNWALA THREATENS BUYOUT OF PNC. NANDY FLIES INTO DAMAGE CONTROL MODE BY GIVING JHUNJHUNWALA A PACKET OF SAMOSAS .JHUNJHUNWALA DECIDES TO LEAVE PNC ALONE,SAYS HE WILL TARGET CNP INSTEAD.

@jhunjhunwala @sarina_singh asks Your bio: "Sometimes truthful. Sometimes not" So, how do we know when U R & R not speaking BS???

@pritishnandy The difference between a truth and a half truth is usually so fine that the speaker himself often does not know.

BREAKING NEWS : NANDY ADMITS TO LYING ON TWITTER HANDLE. NATION OF BOLIVIA OUTRAGED. TO BOYCOTT ALL PNC PRODUCED FILMS RELEASING IN BOLIVIA THIS YEAR.

@jhunjhunwala This is THE LAST QUESTION: Hemant Karkare’s jacket can’t be found,is it with you?

@pritishnandy Karkare’s jacket is hidden by those corrupt people who made money buying such useless jackets. It’s our shame.

@jhunjhunwala I agree for a change.

BREAKING NEWS : JHUNJHUNWALA AND NANDY SHAKE HANDS IN SHOW OF AWESOMENESS.WORLD LEADERS HAIL BOTH JHUNJHUNWALA AND NANDY.HISTORIC DAY TO BE HENCEFORTH CELEBRATED AS INTERNATIONAL JHUNJHUNWALA-NANDY DAY OF PEACE.

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In all seriousness, I want to thank Pritish Uncle. This whole thing was a lot of fun. I asked him only once if he’d be interested in doing this and he agreed readily. He wasn’t snobbish or arrogant one bit. Easily he’s one of the friendliest people I’ve met on twitter. Definitely the most friendly celeb,without doubt.

Considering the fact that he refuses to do TV interviews this was pretty cool and he was sporting with this interview all the way.

Though sometimes, I still feel that he needs to change his Twitter DP because it looks like a printed ad from a glossy in flight magazine! But there are bigger problems in the world.

Thank you again Pritish uncle. Let’s hope we have a re-match someday.

Also a big thank you to my twitter pals: Nabeel for backstage assistance.

Surekha ‘Half Face’ Pillai who had fever the day of the interview but still gave out some awesome commentary. The half face should start doing commentary on a professional basis.

Netra Parikh for her networking help, feedback and enthusiasm. One day she will win an award and thank me in her acceptance speech.

Ashu Mittal who created a snap poll to decide who won this thing – ahem! I did by the way. Heh! heh! I taught this girl photography. She has still not paid her fees.

Abhishek Asthana, Vikram Monika, Jay.M, Appu, Aashish and Sachin Kalbag for backstage help. They’ve not cleaned the arena after the match. I think I should fine them.

Shivam Vij, Aaman Lamba, Vaibhav ,S Gurujee for creating twitter lists for easy viewing and Retweets.These people are granted official listing rights for future broadcasts as well but they should first volunteer to take part in at least one Reality TV Show this year.

Shamit and Titto for their support as well. These two dream of one day building the world’s tallest tower. If they show me a comprehensive plan, I might finance it.

Harish Alwin Krishna Ahmed Harry and Blogadda for promotional support and feedback. The pirated version of this interview can also be found at Blogadda. These guys owe me money or at least a plate of Samosas.

If I missed out any names it’s because you people did not do enough to please me. Therefore you must be punished.

Most of all a big thank you to everyone who tuned in.

I Always Knew I Would Fight Pritish Uncle In A Steel Cage Match On Twitter. I Never Doubted It For A Minute.

Mr.Nandy, I’m Calling You Out.

Pritish Nandy.

That’s right. Pritish Nandy. Take a good look at him.

I know he looks like a legitimate badass in the pic with the rad looking shaved head and the straight out of hell goatee. But trust me; actually he’s a very nice man. See, he even loves doggie.

Mr.Nandy or Pritish Uncle as I call him is one of the few men capable of teasing me. He does it almost everyday on twitter.

You people know twitter right. I invented Twitter. I also invented the internet , Google , Yahoo , Facebook , Enterprise 2.0 ,YouTube, My Tube, His Tube, Her Tube, What Tube & Why Tube Along With Feedburner , E-Mail, The Cell Phone, Tata Sky DTH Service , Parachute Coconut Hair Oil, Hajmola Candy , The Straight Drive , Airline food,etc ,etc. I even invented the word Etcetera and its abbreviation etc.

A few days ago there I was, minding my own business, tweeting and re-tweeting my awesomeness. Out of the blue Pritish Uncle calls me ‘Fat’. What’s worse, he makes it sound like as if being fat is a bad thing.

Now I take offence to that, nobody and I mean absolutely nobody disses my fatness. Few men are capable of making fatness look as sexy as I do. I’m not ‘PERSON’S MAGAZINE SEXIEST HUMAN BEING OF THE YEAR’ ten times in a row for no reason.

I’ve already said this and I’ll say it again. My 6 pack abs make women drool and swoon. My abs need a protective covering which is why I’ve developed a pot belly to protect them. They act as a protective layer. But Mr.Nandy teases me by calling me ‘fatty’.

So I threw the gauntlet down, drew the line in the sand and challenged Pritish Nandy Uncle to India’s first ever twitter steel cage match.

Much to his credit, he accepted.

So here’s the deal. This Saturday, January 23^rd at 6pm. Mr.Nandy and I will be tearing the house down, bashing it into smithereens and burning it to the ground LIVE ON TWITTER unless he develops cold feet . Take a look at the promotional poster.

My plan is to trick Pritish Uncle into saying something like ‘Cattle Class’ and trap him in a web of his own misquotes and misrepresentations that the media will report as ‘BREAKING NEWS’.

Now I know some of you are way too lazy to sign up for a twitter account ,so out of the generosity of my heart, I will be posting the transcript of the entire twitter steel cage match right here on the Secret Journal complete with the full set of BREAKING NEWS reactions from all over the world.

I’m throwing the rule book out of the window. This will be no holds barred. The biggest battle in history since that guy from Himesh Reshammiya’s team took on that other guy from Shankar Mahadevan’s team in the Amul sponsored program Music Ka Maha Muqabla on Star Plus.

All the TV channels are telecasting the ads for this epic clash of the giants.Its like King Kong Vs. Godzilla. The sponsors have lined up, everyone from Pepsi to Kellogg’s to LIC. Even the broadcast partner India TV, The Guys Who Invented BREAKING NEWS Are Ready.

By the way if you’re wondering WTF Hulk Hogan is doing in the above poster. Don’t be shocked, he was the only guy willing to say ‘ITS ON BROTHER’.

I plan to taunt Pritish Uncle with everything and anything under the sun right from Cricket, Politics, Stocks, Films, Art, Music, Business, Stocks, Culture, Astronomy, Medicine, Racism, Terrorism and every other ism and Prism there is under the sky. Right down to the color of his toenails.

And you too can take part. If you have a question for Pritish Uncle then write it down in the comment thread and I’ll be sure to ask him but it better be good, if it has no chance of being misinterpreted then I won’t ask him and then you can go take a bath for asking such a stupid question.

As the clash of the Titans is going to begin, no, not Titan Watches which is yet another company I have a huge stake in. Here’s what a vast majority of people have to say about this humongous super charged brilliant ginormous epic battle of the ages:

A.K Antony, Indian Defense Minister : "On behalf of UPA government we give full assurance that this twitter steel cage match will be 100% safe unlike the Prime Minister’s Office which was hacked by Chinese dudes . We have stepped up security along the border to prevent any cyber attacks from Chinese hackers."

Shashi Tharoor, MOS External Affairs, said Cattle Class: "Mr.Nandy is indeed taking this fight very seriously. Just the other day I saw him getting tweeting tips from Bollywood strongman Sunil Shetty. They were both standing in front of a computer and checking out Mr.Jhunjhunwala’s twitter profile discussing strategy on possible ways to defeat THE BIG BULL."

Barkha Dutt, Journalist, Woman with Short Hair: "As a journalist you wait your whole life for an event like this. Its not often that you get the chance to cover a live event as radically world changing and cosmically pulsating at the same time. This is even bigger than the time Prince fell into that borewell.I am truly blessed, I spill tears of gratitude for this opportunity. We will debate this on We The Tweeple."

Nabeel, Softy Kid, Superstar Tweeter : "Well, It’s hard to decide. For me both are good friends so I just hope they don’t kill each other but I do think Rakesh Gurudev has a slight edge over Pritish Uncle because he has an obvious size advantage. In any case it will be TREAT MILEGA for me :D)))))) :-) yaaaaayyyyyyy! :D)))))):-)"

Shankar Sharma, Bear, Man Hated by Rocky J: " I’m still skeptical about the long term prospects of this ‘battle’. We must consider the macro factors after all. Given Rocky J’s penchant for promotion strategies, I wonder if this is actually even a real fight or just a pre determined Media Hungama done by Mr.Nandy and Rakesh. But I don’t want to say anything because my own SAT hearing is coming up soon."

Gopal Gupta, CEO, Vindu Dara Singh Garments: "Ever since this feud became famous we have been selling t-shirts advertising both contestants and they are selling out very fast.

Mr.Pritish Nandy’s company Pritish Nandy Communications is selling its own line of t-shirts.

And Rakesh Bhaiyya is also selling his line of t shirts.

As of today Rakesh Bhai’s line is doing slightly better especially since he is more popular with the ladies and because the kids also like the cartoon. Overall both t-shirts are from the same brand. It’s just that the screen printing on them is different. Both imported from Mangal Whole Sale Hosiery Cotton Clothes Depot, Ghaziabad."

MF Husain, Painter, Wanted Man by RSS: "I think Nandy Sahib is preparing for this from an expression point of view. He was at my art gallery in Dubai a few days ago keenly observing the finer facets of Rocky J’s painting hoping to pick up some useful pointers to help him in the twitter steel cage match."

Ramesh ‘The Man’ Damani, BSE Member, Good Friend: "I think Mr.Nandy had better watch out. I can safely tell you that Rakesh is merciless on twitter. He will figuratively speaking dissect you and float your body parts as a separate holding company on the Bombay Stock Exchange. I recently read Mr.Nandy’s commandments book titled ‘Twelve + 1 Commandments’ and even he says under Commandment #13 that when one tweets, they should tweet like my good friend Rocky J.He invented twitter."

So Folks. Get Ready. World War 3 is about to begin. This Saturday, 6pm ,LIVE ON TWITTER. SIMULCAST ON CHANNEL NUMBERS: http://twitter.com/Jhunjhunwala & http://twitter.com/PritishNandy. Don’t Forget To Leave Your Questions For Pritish Uncle.