HOPE IS KALMADI

The following is a conversation between My Great Self, The Common Man and Suresh Kalmadi and Oh Yeah! It’s about the Commonwealth Games (CWG) among other things.

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Common Man: Hello Sir! I have come to meet you, how are you great Sir?!

Me: Eh! It’s you The Common Man, what are you doing here Common Man? Shouldn’t you be doing common things like paying Income Tax and being stuck in traffic?

Common Man: Sir! You are Great Sir. You are so Great. Not only are you great but you’re also considerate and kind because you know what common people go through. In addition to income tax and being mangled in traffic I also do other fun stuff like standing in Q’s to buy film tickets and running out of water to manage daily chores!!

Me: Wow! Sounds like fun, being a Common Man must be awesome!

Common Man: Yes Sir definitely! Being a common man in India is indeed a very delightful, pleasure filled experience!!

Me: So common man, tell me why you’re here. Are you here to admire my dashing good looks? Do you want stock tips from me?

Common Man: Sir I always admire your good looks. The weighted average of your sexiness far exceeds the sum total 10,000 day sexiness moving average of George Clooney + Brad Pitt + every other man ….combined.

The way your sexiness reflects of your fantastically gorgeous 6 Pack Flab Beer Belly is a testament to the fact that God himself crafted you out of the choicest essence of sexiness that he himself beholds.

Sir your sexiness is divine.

When women think of you, the very thought of your gorgeous body sends them into multiple orgasms.

Sir you are so sexy that the makers of Axe Deo Spray make their fragrance out of your strong Musk Sir. They wait for you to emit your sexy pheromones Sir, which they collect, condense and distill into that potently raw intoxicating fragrance chicks go absolutely crazy over!

Me: The fact that you have very briefly described my infinite sexiness has pleased me. I have therefore decided that I shall give you the honor of letting you talk to me for a little while longer.

Common Man: Sir! You are truly great Sir! I am speechless Sir, let me give you a Standing Ovation right now Sir….Sir! AAP MAHAN HAIN!

Me: Now tell me why you are here Common Man

Common Man: Sir Can I sit down Sir? I got up to give you a standing ovation.

Me: No, you may continue to stand for some more time. I want the standing ovation to be longer.

Common Man: Sir! It is my pleasure Sir! In fact I am willing to STAND OUTSIDE your house .That way I can give you an OUTSTANDING OVATION!!

Me: Eh! If you stand outside my house you will get hit by a bus and then you might die. Do you have LIC Life Insurance Policy?

Common Man: Sir! I am breathless. You worry about the life of someone common like me also. I am indeed a blessed common man. I will first tell you my problem Sir, then I will get an LIC Life Insurance Policy, after that I will stand outside your house to give you an outstanding ovation .Then I will get hit by a bus and die happily because after having met you my life is complete Sir!

Me: We’ll deal with your standing ovation later, now sit down and tell me why you’ve come here. I like you common man. Your commoner mentality interests me.

Common Man: Sir being common is great Sir, but of late I have been burdened.

Burdened by the incessant rise in food prices. Inflation and much much more.

Worst of all the fact is when I’m in the National Capital Delhi I only see potholes. Well actually the potholes were already there but now there are potholes within potholes. Cracked roads. Dug up pavements. Dirt and mud everywhere. Traffic jams…..it’s become a nightmare

All because of these stupid Commonwealth Games. I hate these damn Commonwealth games!! Grrrrr*

Sir, as the common man I humbly implore you to do something about these Commonwealth games please! There’s WAY TOO MUCH noise, chaos and corruption all in the name of sport.

COMMON MAN KE LIYE COMMONWEALTH GAMES BACCHAYE SIR!

Me: Hmmm, looks like I have to use the Shiny Red Button Again!

Common Man : Oh Shit! You mean the magic red button that summons people in front of you whenever you press it.

Me: Exactly, like when I summoned Lalit Modi who did the monkey dance for me.

Common Man: But who will you summon now Sir?

Me: The one man who is the ultimate expert on the CWG, the distinguished gentleman Suresh Kalmadi!

[RED BUTTON PRESSED, SURESH KALMADI APPEARS]

Kalmadi: Yo! Yo! Yo! Kalmadi in da house! Whaddup gangstas?

Rakesh Sir! How are you? What’s up?

Me: What’s up? Many things are up . Share price of Tata Motors is up, ITC is also up and of course State Bank of India is also up.

Common Man: Rakesh Sir, by ‘What’s Up?’ he meant your General Well Being…

Me: I know what he meant you fool! I was answering the question from an extremely literal standpoint.

Common Man: Sir, I know I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again – you are greatness personified! It takes a great man to answer questions at a literal level. It is a pleasure to even be scolded by you Sir!

Me: Kalmadi do you know this fellow? He is the common man. He has problems with the way you’re organizing the CWG. Why are the projects and stadiums not yet completed? You do realize there are less than 50 days for the games to begin …..Right?

Kalmadi: Sir, I know this common man too well. This common man is the biggest obstacle in India hosting a successful Commonwealth games. It’s all his fault! He’s always complaining that the stadiums are not ready, that the roads are dug up, that there’s debris on the streets…..

He never looks at things from my point of view. Sob* Sob*

Common Man: Asshole! So what you want me to just grin and bear all the stunts you’re pulling in the name of the CWG? Huh? You’ve turned Delhi into a bloody excavation site! And the stadiums are still not ready.

Kalmadi: See Rakesh Sir. Always complaining. This common man disgusts me. Why can’t he just let me organize a decent CWG?

If it weren’t for me even these half built stadiums would not be ready. All these sites would be empty stretches of land .This common man’s children would have been playing Cricket there. At least thanks to my efforts in organizing these CWG there are at least stadiums there where you can pay money for entry and sit and watch world class sports during the CWG.

For example you can watch Table Tennis matches between top female athletes like World # 1 LIU Shiwen Vs. World # 2 FENG Tianwei . I personally loooooooooove FENG Tianwei!!!! She’s so hot!

Common Man: Hey! I appreciate the sporting venues but dammit when will you finish them? They’re taking forever and Delhi is in a mess.

Kalmadi: Arre Baba! Ho Jayega! We will finish the stadiums on time .The games start on October 3rd so we have till October 2nd to finish the stadiums. So why are you worried?

Common Man : See Rakesh Sir! This is why this Kalmadi bugs me. International Foreign Professional Athletes will be in the city weeks in advance to train and acclimatize to Delhi’s weather. They’ll want to practice at the stadiums and if the venues are not ready, forget about practice they’ll only see electricians, plumbers and carpenters running around trying desperately to finish the venues!!!!

Kalmadi: Don’t worry Common Man! Foreigners can be dealt with easily. They’re not going to complain. We’ll welcome them at the Airport itself and put them in a good mood .Put garlands on them. Take them sightseeing – show them the Taj Mahal.Let them go shopping on Chandni Chowk.

We’ll feed them Tandoori Chicken,Mutton,Samosa ,Bhel Puri ,etc .In the meantime many will get sick because they can’t handle Indian food so they’ll be locked up in their rooms for at least 3- 4 days….

By the time they all recover it will be time for the CWG opening ceremony and they’ll all start ogling at the wonderful singing and dancing at the opening ceremony where we will display Indian Culture!

Once they see Preity Zinta dance at the opening ceremony they’ll be fully pumped up! The foreigners will have such a great time that they’ll simply forget to complain about the venues!

Common Man: Excuse me! Preity Zinta?!!

Kalmadi: Eh! If you have a problem with Preity Zinta we can get Priyanka Chopra.

Common Man: No!

Kalmadi: Deepika Padukone?

Common Man: No!

Kalmadi: Katrina Kaif?

Common Man: No! No! No!

Kalmadi: Don’t worry common man! We’ll get an actor also to perform at the opening ceremony. I’m thinking Rahul Roy!

Common Man: WTF?!!! Rahul Roy!!!!

Kalmadi: We have to keep the budget in mind no? We’re already paying for Katrina Kaif or Priyanka Chopra.We can’t afford a Shah Rukh Khan now can we?!

But if you don’t like Rahul Roy we can get Chunky Pandey.

Common Man: Fu*K You! Chunky Pandey !!!!

Kalmadi: Eh! Let me tell you right now that Chunky Pandey is a huge star OK.HUGE! He’s gonna be a contestant on Bigg Boss soon!

Think of what the papers will say ‘Priyanka And Chunky Set CWG Opening Ceremony On Fire!’

But….on the other hand if you think Chunky Pandey and Rahul Roy are too controversial I can manage Shahid Kapoor OK. He can even dance to that song ‘Aai Pappi’ from that film he did with Vidya Balan. That’s the best I can do OK. The best.

Common Man: STFU you bastard! Grrrrr* this isn’t about the opening ceremony or Priyanka Chopra or Katrina Kaif or Fu*Kin Rahul Roy or Chunky Pandey!!!

Its about the venues being ready in time GODDAMMIT!

Kalmadi: So I already told you no they will be ready in time! Why are you worried?

Moreover even if they are not ready we will make sure they will be ready n time!

Me: Excuse me! What do you mean exactly?

Kalmadi: It’s like this Rakesh Sir! We bid for the games in 2003.So we’ve had 7 years to get everything ready.

Me: That’s right

Me: Yes, so we started building the stadiums to:

A.) Host a World Class CWG

B.) Leave World Class Stadiums for Indian Athletes to Train In After the Games Are Over

But a few months back we realized that the stadiums were taking too long to build so we re-evaluated our plans.

That’s when we realized that Option-B was unnecessary so basically all we had to do was fulfill Option A --- which is to host a world class CWG and there’s no need for us to leave world class stadiums for Indian athletes to train in after the games are over

Common Man: I don’t understand

Kalmadi: Seriously this country is only mad about 1 sport – Cricket. Sure, there are athletes in other sports like Saina Nehwal and Abhinav Bindra but the sports they represent are not that big a deal in India!

Earlier we were lagging behind because we were being thorough .We wanted to build a world class sporting infrastructure that would host the CWG as well as provide facilities for future athletes.Thats why constructing the stadiums took time.

We wanted to build stadiums that would last 30 years so that after the games, people could use them.

Now that we’ve realized that there’s no need for that as people are not going to use these venues anyway; WE JUST NEED TO BUILD STADIUMS AND VENUES THAT LAST 13 DAYS NOT 30 YEARS !! i.e. for the duration of the CWG!

So we’ve fast tracked the building stages and we’re zipping through really well! That’s why the stadiums will be ready in time! No worries!!!!

It’s really a beautiful concept and it happens only in India!

Common Man: Errr….so you spent 30,000 crores just so that you can build stadiums that will last for 13 days and after that will become redundant and useless….

Kalmadi: Exactly!

Me: But what’ll you do with the stadiums, swimming pool etc after the games? Surely if you demolish them after all the inconvenience people are gonna get angry!

Kalmadi: Again don’t worry Sir! We have plans for that also.

We’ll use the stadiums for something else like having Music Concerts. Think about it :-

‘Himesh Reshamiyya Live In Concert ’

Common Man: WHAA! So the track and field venues will be turned into concert venues for Himesh Reshammiya?!! This is a giant WTF!

Kalmadi: Arre! Not just Himesh, we can have Pritam also.

Maybe even Sonu Nigam !!

You know it just occurred to me that we can even rent out the stadiums to couples getting married! Rich families can have their weddings there! Just imagine:

‘Ruchi Gupta Weds Rajesh Chauhan – your presence is appreciated at Indira Gandhi Weight Lifting Complex @ 6 pm’ Etc,etc!

The perfect blend of sports and social life! Beautiful!

Common Man: And what about the other venues like the Swimming Pool and Diving Complex etc?

Kalmadi: Heh! No problem! Swimming pools have water anyway. We’ll lease it out to the National Fisheries Department .They can fill up the pools with fish and then they’ll do research on those fish!

This becomes a wonderful case of combining sport with science!

Me: You know common man. This guy has a point. We only need the stadiums to last long enough till the games are over .After that nobody’s gonna care.

Common Man: But Sir! What about all the corruption? This fellow is paying 4000 rupees just for a box of toilet paper!

Kalmadi: First of all when it comes to corruption – It’s my duty. I am the Congress MP from Pune Afterall; I have to uphold our traditions as a corrupt Indian politician.

A.Raja has made 60,000 Crores in the 2G scam and he is a cabinet minister. Why is everyone so angry? I have only scammed 30,000 Crores .

Frankly speaking this CWG is a once in a lifetime opportunity! I will not get the chance to swallow so much cash in one shot unless we bid for the Olympics but I’m still working on that.

And as for the toilet paper, it can’t be helped. This is imported toilet paper because many foreign athletes can’t use Indian made toilet paper.

Common Man: But does it really cost 4000 rupees dammit!!!!

Kalmadi: Actually it costs 500 rupees….. But since we are importing it we have to add many taxes you know. VAT At 800% ,Sales Tax @ 400% ,then there’s Import Duty, Customs Duty, Transportation Charges , Packing Charges, Repackaging Charges ,Delivery Fees, And Special Tax on imported paper which is applicable even if its toilet paper.

So totally it comes to 3999/- per roll .We just rounded it off to 4000 that’s all. If you want we can refund the 1 rupee. You can buy Chlormint with that and the next time you get any doubts about the toilet paper pricing you can remember this and eat that Chlormint – Toilet Paper Ke Bare Mein Dobara Mat Poochna.

Common Man: I…….I……I …..I Think I’m Going to faint…….I can’t believe this…..!!!

Kalmadi: You know common man – instead of picking on faltoo issues like CWG corruption and underprepared venues you should protest against the real issues plaguing this country.

Common Man: Oh Yeah! Like what?

Kalmadi: For starters you can protest against the injustices in the Fashion Industry.

When hardworking models who starve ,fast ,exercise and puke all in an effort to look thin and sexy walk the ramp to earn their livelihood ,evil women like Twinkle Khanna wave their Micromax Mobiles at them and make them fall and trip over causing them to lose their jobs!

63 years after independence our hard working models still have to struggle every single day because women distract them with their mobile phones. What sort of a society doesn’t allow even sexy models to do their job by walking the ramp in peace?!!!!!

Its shameful!!

Why don’t you protest against Twinkle Khanna instead of interfering with someone like me who’s working hard for the sake of India? Huh!!!

Me: Kalmadi you’re right. The common man sucks. Get out of my house Common Man and leave Kalmadi alone. Let the poor man do his job.

Kalmadi: Thank you Sir!

Common Man: Sir! You are right. I will now go and stand on the road outside your house to give both you and Kalmadi an Outstanding Ovation.

After I get hit by a bus, if I’m feeling well I'll go and protest against that evil Twinkle Khanna! Bye Sir, you too Mr.Kalmadi. I’m gone now!

Kalmadi : That’s the spirit! Go lay the Smackdown on that evil bitch Twinkle Khanna!

And Rakesh Sir, you don’t worry! India will absolutely host an excellent Commonwealth games!!!

Jai Hind!

Suresh Kalmadi :

The Situation Is Under Control

THE SHITLIST : India's Greatest SHITHEADS - The Outlook Magazine Special Edition

The nature of the world is such that Competition is inevitable. Creatures cannot exist without competing.

The cosmos is designed in such a manner that nothing can go untested forever. Pretty soon every creature and organization will find some type of competition and hence a chain of events is set into motion which ensures the continuity of competition.

With human beings there is competition over absolutely everything = Food, Land, Jobs, Money, Fame and even Love.

Take a look at Outlook Magazine’s Newest Edition. A few months ago India Today Magazine published a super bumper issue on India’s Greatest Assholes. Since then it was only a matter of time before India Today’s competitor Outlook would publish a competing edition.

What A Wonderful issue On India’s Greatest SHITHEADS!

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A Note From The Editor

Dear Readers,

A very good day to all of you on behalf of the entire team at Outlook!

A few months ago a rival English language publication (India Today) published an article that listed a few popular assholes in India.

While we can confidently say that if Outlook had published the same article, we’d have done it with a little more flair and better quality content in terms of assholes (no pun intended); we still however congratulate India Today on a very good issue. Afterall despite being competing magazines we still maintain a healthy competition which drives the quality of journalism in this great country of ours forward!

The human spectrum ranges a wide variety of characters .At the ends of this spectrum lie the two most important types of people .The Asshole and more importantly – THE SHITHEAD.

While India Today covered the Indian asshole (once again no pun intended); Outlook Magazine in this issue has made an in depth and comprehensive examination of The Great Indian SHITHEAD!!

Some may argue that we’re only examining the Indian Shithead because India Today examined the Asshole(for a third time, no pun intended).Let me tell you right now that asshole or no asshole we would have anyway reported on the Shithead because we truly believe that the Shithead is a much more important part of India than the asshole.

In fact our article would have been printed even before the India Today asshole article had it not been for the reason that a lot of time was spent in discovering the unique Shithead which is a much more difficult and complex job than discovering the asshole ( for a fourth time, no pun intended).

Furthermore the Shithead is a vastly complicated and dynamic creature. As the great cricketing legend our times Ravindra Jadeja once said:

“Anyone can be an asshole but not everyone can be a Shithead”

Outlook Magazine therefore pays a humble tribute to those among us who are simply way more filled with shit than everyone else -- THE SHITHEADS.

We’ve determined the 10 GREATEST SHITHEADS in India and put them all on a list. In other words we’ve created a SHITLIST!

Only politicians have been considered for the SHITLIST because compared to politics no other field in India can come even remotely close because as we all know the maximum amount of shit anywhere in the world lies within India’s political system.

Our method to unearth the Shithead was based on a nationwide election which was held over a very extensive 7 month period from January to July this year covering 60 tier-1 cities, 983 towns, 7532 semi urban towns and over 8974520 villages. Outlook conducted this election in association with MARG (The Market and Research Group) and the Indian Council for Social Affairs.

Voters elected for their favorite Shithead from a list of nominees and accordingly the SHITLIST was constructed with the names and rankings of the Shitheads according to the votes each Shithead received.

The entire process was 100% transparent and monitored by an independent United Nations panel on Shitheads to ensure no vote rigging took place.

So without further ado Outlook magazine proudly presents: THE SHITLIST- INDIA’S TOP 10 GREATEST SHITHEADS.

A Homage to the Best Pieces of Crap in India!

Cheers and Jai Ho Shitheads!

Vinod Mehta

Editor In Chief

Outlook Magazine

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Rank # 10

THE POT BREAKER : JYOTI KUMARI

Considering the amount of fat tissue in Shrimati Dr. Jyoti Kumari’s body one might as well call her MOTI KUMARI.

Known fondly as ‘FAT BITCH’ to her close friends, this virtual unknown made it big as a Shithead only recently when she enthusiastically broke flower pots outside the Bihar Vidhan Sabha.

Since then life has been a breeze for Dr. Kumari whose ass-capades outside the Bihar ass-embly have garnered her many acting offers for the role of ‘Sexy Aunty’ in the Malayalam Porn Industry with many XXX veterans already touting her as the next Shakeela!

But this pot bellied, pot breaker prefers much rather to stick to what she does best i.e. break pots!

Whether its flower pots or toilet commode pots which often crack being unable to bear the shitload of this enormously talented Shithead!! Jyoti kumari simply never fears to take part in important democratic procedures within the Bihar Legislature such as Chappal Throwing, Spitting, Slapping, Mic Slanging, Chair Tossing and of course Table Hauling!

This Congress MLC is also seriously considering representing India in the sport of Hammer Throw considering her proficiency and stamina in throwing heavily watered flower pots!!

All for the development of Bihar! This POTTY TRAINED, POT BREAKER sure is a model citizen or should we say model SHIT-IZEN!!!!

JAI HO SHITHEAD!!

Rank # 9

CHEMICAL BROTHER : MK AZHAGIRI

At first sight MK Azhagiri may seem like an Uneducated, Blundering Idiot with the face of a Constipated Puffer Fish but looks can be deceiving!!

Azhagiri is in fact the Union Minister of Chemicals in the Government of India and is also the elder son of Legendary Tamil Nadu Chief Minister, The Hon-Her-Able Dr.Kalaignar MK Karunanidhi and the brother of MK Stalin.

Often accused of being stupid, ignorant and as Chemical Minister unable to tell the difference between a CHEMICAL and a BUFFALO’S TESTICLE ; Azhagiri has proved that without doubt he is the most suited man to handle the Chemical Industry in India.

Afterall politics is like Chemistry and Azhagiri is an expert in the field of balancing Caste, Sub Caste and religious equations in the highly charged chemical atmosphere of Tamil Nadu politics.

Azhagiri breakthrough moment as a Shithead however came a few years ago when his feud with Brother Stalin for the succession of the DMK and hence the Chief Ministership of Tamil Nadu came out in the open.

His actions and those of his fellow Shithead goons at the Sun TV office in Madurai which led to the death of 3 people is still chronicled in local folklore as the DADAGIRI of Azhagiri!!!!

Cheers to this extraordinarily talented, educated, compassionate human being with a liberal point of view and the bond that he shares with his brother Stalin!!!!

JAI HO SHITHEAD!!

Rank # 8

IRONMEN: THE REDDY BROTHERS

When the Reddy Brothers Janardhana and Karunakara were young shepherd boys, they would frequently steer their goats along the hills of Bellary. It was on one such eventful goat herding session that the brothers came upon a small Iron Ore deposit. Both immediately shouted “It’s Mine, Its Mine” upon seeing the iron. Ever since then the brothers gave up goat herding and started ore mining!

Their love for IRON ORE is so deep that people confuse the two for prostitutes and call them IRON WHORES!

These IRON WHORES for IRON ORES have also been accused of so much illegal mining in Bellary that you might as well call them IRON CHORS!

Such is their passion that after having sold tons of IRON ORE and making many a CRORE these two brothers simply want MORE and MORE!!

The two MLA’s are also occasional government ministers in Karnataka and attend to their ministerial duties when they get free time from their busy life of fine dining and ore mining.

Presently in the midst of using their political connections to avoid a CBI probe into their mining activities, the Reddys are always ready because everyone knows that without the REDDY there is no YEDDY!

While the brothers have other interests such as tending to their battery industry which manufactures the famous EVE-REDDY :Give Me Red(dy) Batteries, their first love will however always Remain Iron Ore Mining!

No wonder than that when you ask them what their favorite song is they instantly reply ‘Teri Ore’ from Singh Is Kinng

JAI HO SHITHEADS!!

Rank # 7

RAISING A STINK: ARJUN SINGH

In the news recently for his adventures during the time of the Bhopal Gas Tragedy; Arjun Singh is also on the SHITLIST because of his spectacular achievements as the HRD Minister in the previous government where he raised a SHITSTORM by proposing reservations in institutions of higher learning.

But his true Shithead talents came forth during the time of the Bhopal Gas Tragedy. When Arjun Singh first heard that a gas leak had occurred in Bhopal, he immediately thought that the leak was from his own bum hole. It was only after his Secretary told him that the Gas that had leaked was Union Carbide’s Methyl Isocyanate and not last night’s Butter Chicken that Mr. Singh felt relieved.

It takes a special amount of hard work and dedication to be a Shithead over many many years and Arjun Singh is a prime example of a model SHITIZEN for more than 30 years.

Personally credited with arranging the escape of Warren Anderson to the States, Arjun Singh completely exemplifies the Indian attitude of ‘Attithi Devo Bhava’ towards our foreign visitors.

While fellow octogenarian ND Tiwari is busy shagging chicks and making sex tapes, Singh continues to show the new generation all about being a Shithead in his current role as the Governor of Madhya Pradesh.

Here’s a salute to the efforts of this vintage Shithead!

JAI HO SHITHEAD!!

Rank # 6

BEAUTY ON DUTY: MAYAWATI

If Mayawati were to get married tomorrow headlines across India would read ‘Maya Ne Paya Pati’ and considering her body figure and enormous appetite, if Mayawati were to eat her fictional husband the headlines would read ‘Maya Ne Khaya Pati’.

But Mayawati is single and a spinster by choice so that the burden of a family does not hold her down while she discharges her duties as the Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh.

Behenji is an avid connoisseur of Statues and is known for using taxpayer money to build statues of herself across the length and breadth of Uttar Pradesh in an effort to provide LATRINE FACILITIES TO PIGEONS and other nesting birds which fly over and shit on the heads of these Mayawati statues quite literally giving a whole new meaning to the term SHITHEAD!

And of course who can forget Behenji’s fantastic party for her political party where this beauty queen was personally adorned with a garland of 1000 rupee notes by her admirers!

If not for her NOTES then Behenji sure gets NOTICED for the cases against her in the Courts!

Allegations of Large Scale Corruption, Misuse of Funds, Using Police Officers for personal political reasons or large scale money swallowing in the Taj Corridor Project are all in a day’s work for good old Behenji!!

Afterall dealing with different kinds of shit is expected of a Chief Mini-Shit-er and Mayawati is one hell of a Chief Mini-Shit-er.

JAI HO SHITHEAD!!

Rank # 5

PINK PANTHER : K CHANDRASEKHAR RAO (KCR)

It was a unique incident in KCR’s checkered career which set ablaze that brilliant sparkle India has come to identify as KCR’s unique brand of EXCEPTIONAL SHITHEADERY.

One fine day when KCR was still a growing boy playing in the hot sun on the plains of Andhra Pradesh, his mother called him into their house and gave him a small job to do.

Little did KCR realize that this would become the most important moment of his life. His mom told KCR to TELL something to a neighboring girl called ANGANA. Since that day KCR has continuously demanded Telengana in an effort to recreate the wonderful glory he gave rise to when he went to Tell Angana.

It takes a Shithead of exceptional skill and one with a complete a mastery of Shitheadedness to realize that one can in truth never be the Chief Minister of a large state like Andhra Pradesh so it would be much better to a carve a smaller state like Telengana out of that big state and then become the Chief Minister of that smaller state.

Such amazingly technical Shitheadery has undoubtedly earned Chandrasekhar Rao the name of Chandra-Shit-kar Rao!

Carefully waiting for the right moment to strike KCR was like a Panther in the bushes who struck the moment YS Rajashekhara Reddy died. It was at this moment that this Panther became cloaked in the Pink Movement of Telengana and became a roaring Pink Panther.

Over the past few months KCR’s crap-tacular achievements have included creating hunger strikes, riots, bandhs, clashes and everyday disruptions of normal life all for his dedication and love for the cause of Telengana and its Chief Ministership!

We bow to this multi talented Pink Loving Pink Panther for furthering the cause of Indian National Integration!

JAI HO SHITHEAD!!

RANK # 4

GURUJI KI JAI HO! - SHIBU SOREN

Few people realize that the inspiration for Mani Ratnam’s film ‘Guru’ starring Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai was not Dhirubhai Ambani but rather Jharkhand’s own heavyweight Dishom Guru – Shri Shibu Soren!!

To this day villages far and wide honor the venerable Shibu Soren by calling him SHIT-BU SOREN because Guruji is a prime unique example of an acclaimed Shithead across both rural and urban India!

While Jharkhand has been dealing with issues Of Naxalist Violence, Development, Infrastructure and mass poverty Shit-bu Soren has been concentrating on even more serious issues and has become an expert in playing musical chairs along with the Congress and BJP for the Chief Ministership of Jharkhand.

This Jharkhandi Pakhandi has ensured that the thriving political Shit-mosphere in Jharkhand continues and the good people of Jharkhand are now privileged with yet another dose of President’s Rule because Shit-bu can’t decide between the Congress and the BJP to form a government!

Guruji is also an expert in horse trading as seen in the Shit-astic trust vote of 1993 which saved Narasimha Rao’s Government.

And while Guruji was quick to dismiss charges that he had arranged the murder of his Secretary as “Baseless And Politically Motivated”; one can’t help but say that all this only adds to the legend of this legendary Shithead – The One, The Only : SHIT-BU SOREN!

A big round of applause then to Shit-bu Soren, our fantastic Dishom Guru. What a Shit-acular Shithead!!!

JAI HO SHITHEAD!!

RANK # 3

COMMONWEALTH GAMER : SURESH KALMADI

If Abhinav Bindra is a SURESHOT then undoubtedly Suresh Kalmadi is a SURESHIT.

Just add the letters I and T to the end of Suresh Kalmadi’s first name and you get :

Suresh + I+T = SURESHIT

You simply can’t get this type of genius anywhere and that’s why Sure-Shit-Kalmadi is one hell of a deserving Shithead!

Pretty much the pioneer of India’s modern Olympic movement this icon in sports administration has attached himself to the Indian Olympic Association like Mika attached himself to Rakhi Sawant’s lips!

Truly unshakeable! Olympics come and go, governments come and go, and people come and go but Kalmadi will forever be the fountainhead of the country’s Olympic movement.

This Gold Medalist Shithead is now personally pouring his Shithead skills into organizing the Commonwealth Games and that speaks volumes about his talent. Afterall he’s the one chosen from a country of 1.2 billion people to organize the Commonwealth Games simply because no one can be a better Shithead than Mr.Kalmadi!

When Sure-Shit-Kalmadi first heard that he was being entrusted with the task of organizing the Commonwealth Games he misheard it and screamed enthusiastically “COME ON! WEALTH GAMES!”

Since then allegations of overspending, large scale corruption and money laundering have been rampant.

While the success of the CWG is yet to be seen - the behind schedule and unfinished stadiums are busy being turned into WELLS thanks to all the water pouring in due to the Delhi rains which has led to people celebrating the COMMON WELL GAMES all the while getting wet further creating a COMMON WET GAMES.

And when one waits forever for the stadiums to be completed they continue to play the COMMON WAIT GAMES.

So all those countries interested in organizing a World Class, Extremely Behind Schedule,Overbudget , Literally Watered Down and Corruption Enthused Commonwealth Games you know whom to ask – the sensational Sure-Shit-Kalmadi!

JAI HO SHITHEAD!!

RANK # 2

FAKING IT: AMIT SHAH

Take one look at that Dome Shaped, Smooth As Silk ,Bald Head of Amit Shah and it would immediately dawn on you as to why Amit Shah is a natural born Shithead -- simply because whenever a Hippopotamus looks at Amit Shah’s head it feels like climbing on top of that head and making a backside deposit!

The Ex-Home Minister of GUJARAT, Amit Shah has been running like a RAT in order to avoid a prison sentence in the Sohrabuddin Sheikh Fake Encounter Case going so far as hiring another Shithead Ram Jethmalani as his lawyer!

Faced with a CBI Chargesheet which considering Shah’s achievements might as well be renamed to a CBI CHARGESHIT ; Amit Shah landed in an ‘O Shit!’ moment when he allegedly gave the order to his junior Shithead cops to execute the wife of Sohrabuddin Sheikh - Kauser Bi.

Such is Amit Shah’s Shitheadedness that the very quality of shit is fundamentally ingrained into him. Take his name ‘AMIT SHAH’ for instance whose letters when jumbled into an anagram form the words MAHA SHIT or Great Shit!

Such is the Fantastic Greatness of this Great Shithead!!! MAHA SHIT indeed!

JAI HO SHITHEAD!!

RANK # 1

GRAIN DRAIN: SHARAD PAWAR

It takes an iconic Shithead to outshine the greatest Shitheads in India and Sharad Pawar is totally the man to take the spot as the #1 ranked Shithead in India!!!

Such a Shithead among Shitheads is Pawar that you won’t be blamed if you make a remark that Sharad Pawar should legally change his name to SHITHEAD PAWAR.

Sharad Pawar decided to become India’s Food Minister because he knows that without food eating there can be no shit making!

And his favorite type of food has over the years remained fresh green currency notes which he continues to make and eat as the boss of the BCCI and Chief of the ICC.

When faced with occasional tiny problems like taking care of feeding 1.2 Billion Indians in an environment of unpredictable monsoons and constantly high prices Sharad Pawar knows that his real duty lies in administering the sport of cricket.

Hence this Chief of the ICC prefers to SIGHTSEE from the head office of the ICC in Dubai. Constantly trying to garner more advertisements he racks his BRAINS all the while when back in India tons of food GRAINS rot and have to be thrown down the DRAINS.

Now in the process of getting his WORK BURDEN reduced by appealing to the PM, Sharad Pawar has no problems increasing his CASH BURDEN!

This Shithead clearly knows where his priorities lie. No wonder then that SHARAD PAWAR IS INDIA’S #1 RANKED SHITHEAD!

JAI HO SHITHEAD!!

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