Rakesh Jhunjhunwala - Agony Aunt

The people of the world are living in sad and difficult times. In these times they need someone who can listen to them and provide them advice.As an experienced man of the world and the World’s 1029^th Richest man (officially, unofficially #1) I have a responsibility to help people .Ever since my newspaper became famous after the expose on the attack on the TAJ, I’ve decided to write my own agony aunt column in The Jhunjhunwala Times.

Being Chief Editor and Editor-In-Chief of The Jhunjhunwala Times I’ve decided to publish the first agony aunt column after Christmas. It’s going to be another success for me. Please feel free to admire the way I’ve solved people’s problems. It brings tears to my eyes.

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Q: Dear sir, I am a Stock Broker who invested in Satyam Computers.Recently the shares of Satyam have plunged and the company has been banned from doing business with the World Bank. Do you think I should sell the stock or hold it for longer?

Answer: Go #@!! Yourself you bloody $#! #@$%$%^ %^%& &%^&.How many times do I need to tell you fellows that I don’t give other Stock Brokers tips. In any case the World Bank like other banks might need a bailout worth $750 Billion Dollars + $800 Billion Dollars. If it does not get that bailout it will go bust in which case it’s a good thing Satyam Computers does not do business with it. Now *^*###%% %# off.

Q: Sirji, my name is Shekhar Tiwari and I’m an MLA from Uttar Pradesh. Just today my men and I beat up an engineer and killed him. My Behenji has decided to send me to jail. Should I comply with her wishes or escape to Pakistan and have the honor of appearing on India’s Wanted List?

A: Dear Shekhar, you are from UP.As Amitabh once said “In UP Germs Are Less Because People Use Lifebuoy” or was it “UP Mein Dum Hain Kyunki Jurm Yahaan Kum Hain”; anyway you should go to jail. You will not be lonely since half the Uttar Pradesh assembly is in jail anyway. Behenji will be impressed that in hard economic times you have cut down on office costs by moving into jail. She will reward you with a cabinet berth when you come out of jail.

Q: First of all I’d like to say ‘Sirji What an Idea Sir Ji’ after listening to your advice to Shekhar Tiwari. Now moving to my own problem I want to know how I can be a part of a boy band like Boyzone or the Backstreet Boys.Your’s truly-Udayan Mukherjee, CNBC TV18.

A: Udayan, to be a part of a boy band you must first learn to dance and not sing .Then you need to find one guy who can actually sing and then act in a music video with him. In the video be sure to dance behind the guy who sings. You can also join the Lashkar E Toiba where you can sing songs on Islamic Jihad but then you will not be part of a BOY BAND but a BOY BANNED.

Q: My name is Harman Baweja and my film Victory is set to release soon. What should I do to make it a hit?

A: Harman, always remember that your greatest hit now and forever will be nailing Priyanka Chopra.

Till next time go watch Ghajini.

Commodities I'm Trading In

Because I don’t trust the millions of brokers on the Bombay stock exchange who are out to steal my cash, shares and IPO forms I have to often make provisions to set up my own arrangements. My distrust spreads even to the Intelligence Agency within the Indian Securities Exchange Board of India or SEBI. This intelligence agency is similar to the ISI from Pakistan and consists of rogues and ‘rogue elements’.

SEBI being the cheapskates they are refuse to accept their existence.Dreaded stock market gangsters like Harshad Mehta and Ketan Parekh received patronage from the SEBI-ISI and so do many scamsters.

The SEBI-ISI is on a mission to steal from me but I will never allow them.

In this regard I set up my own company = Rare Enterprises, set up my own trading platforms and have now set up my very own commodities exchange platform.

My foray into commodities’ trading is such a blockbuster event that it has been covered even by the Economic Times.

All that is left for me to do now is to open my very own stock exchange and then my very own country where I will crown myself King and have beautiful ladies dance around me.

So why I am I setting up a commodities exchange?

Well, apart from the fact that I can it’s because here in India commodities trade very well.Some of these commodities my firm will specialize in are:

(Professor) Arindam Chaudhuri’s book titled ‘Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch’. This commodity will sell well because India has once again been hit by Bird Flu especially in West Bengal. I forecast that the chicken farmer community will invest heavily in this book because of it’s in- depth knowledge in tackling and rearing chickens hit by Bird Flu.

Human Feet- The Indian political class has begun to buy feet as an important commodity. Political leaders have been hit by the deadly strain of the Foot in Mouth disease.

Some leaders suffering heavily due to Foot in Mouth are:

R.R.Patil - uses feet to shut his own mouth so that in future he will not say things like “The Attack on the Taj Was a Very normal Thing.”

Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi- is using feet to beat some sense into his own head so that he will never use the words LIPSTICK and TERRORIST in the same sentence ever again.

A.R.Antulay -uses feet to not only close his mouth but also his ears so that he won’t have to hear expressively bad language from the Indian people after he said “Superficially speaking they (terrorists) had no reason to kill Karkare. Whether he (Karkare) was a victim of terrorism or terrorism plus something I do not know,”.Harbhajan Singh heard Antulay’s words and said ‘Tere Maa Ki’ but Antulay heard it as MONKEY and accused him of racism—THE BASTARD.

The hon-her-able P.Chidambaram does not suffer from foot in mouth but requires extra feet to run because he keeps running from his home to the Lok Sabha where he stands and answers questions in his capacity as the Home Minister on security issues and immediately after runs to the Rajya Sabha and answers questions on finance and the economic crisis as the FORMER FINANCE MINISTER.

Life story of Shanthakumaran Sreesanth DVD –this is an excellent DVD that shows people how to help India win a test match in South Africa and then go bonkers. It also shows in depth how to get injured frequently, Get slapped by a Sardarji and consequently cry in front of Preity Zinta and finally be demoted to a Grade C cricket contract. Free with this DVD is another commodity called Parachute After Shower Hair Gel which if you put, you can dance just like Sreesanth in the ad. It’s excellent for those who want to waste their talent.

Shoes-I forecast an increase in the sale of this commodity since it’s useful to throw at heads of state. Maximum demand is forecasted in Iraq.

Another book called ‘You Stupid Douche Bag, We Aren’t Interested In Intercourse .If You Knew This You’d Still Be Home Minister ’ .This book is being bought in huge numbers by one man called Shivraj Patil who said “We are ready for a meaningful intercourse with the terrorists.”

Rajo Devi Was Robbed

Every year hot chicks from across the planet meet in one country. For two months they live together and secretly hate each other. Then on one fine evening they wear fancy dresses and sing, dance and answer questions. It’s the world’s biggest reality show and it’s called the Miss World pageant.

It’s a very prestigious contest and every country including India takes pride in making sure that its entrant wins. The winner of this contest gets to smile a lot and wear a crown. The losers meanwhile get a free T-shirt and a ‘Thank You for Coming’ card.

This contest was held yesterday in South Africa and was won by Miss Russia. Our own Miss India was declared as the first runner-up which is incidentally the same thing as second place.

There is a lot of disappointment in India that Miss India is not Miss World.The country is in a state of chaos. National emergency may be declared at any moment. No one expected this as everyone was sure that Miss India would win the contest instead of coming in second.

In order to ease the situation I wrote a letter to the Miss World authorities to hold the contest again as the wrong candidate was sent in the first place:

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Dear Miss World people,

I would firstly like to apologize for the sudden demise of Miss Zambezi Tanketi Bulma Ulawatoo Singa Punga Munga of sudden heart failure. My government should have warned you that inviting Navjot Singh Sidhu to judge the Miss World pageant was a dangerous idea. No one could have foreseen the fact that he would immediately start laughing the moment the host announced ‘Welcome to the 58th Edition of the Annual Miss World Pageant’. His high decibel laugh has regrettably caused Miss Zambezi’s death and sent another 52 contestants into a coma.

I am however glad that you have placed Navjot Sidhu under arrest.

I must ask you on the other hand to hold the Miss World contest all over again.

The reason being, winning the Miss World is a national issue for India especially for people like Shobhaa De and Karan Johar. We in India fear communal riots because of our contestant’s failure to win the contest.

We must note that choosing her to represent the country was a bad idea because she had no chance of winning in the first place.

She was chosen solely on the basis of this country’s Miss World reservation policy. Under our current laws Seventy five percent reservation is reserved for girls like her because they empower our domestic Silicone Implant and Botox Industries.

The actual candidate should have been the sexiest woman in India; 70 year old RAJO DEVI from Haryana. Rajo Devi despite being married should have been allowed to contest as she would have indeed won the contest.

The following are her achievements:

• Rajo Devi recently set a world record for becoming a mother at the age of seventy. She was able to achieve this with the help of her beauty pageant guide and lover, 72 year old Bala Ram.

• Rajo Devi is not only prettier than our second place winner Parvathy Omanakuttan but is also stronger. She is at the height of her physical fitness and her incredible stamina is astounding otherwise there could have been no way she could have given birth at age 70.

• Rajo Devi’s waist size is lesser than the other Miss World contestants. She has been able to achieve this because she has trained very hard at the Haryana Institute Of Beauty Pageantry.

• She is an Indian icon because she has helped in increasing the country’s population beyond 1 billion.

• Many countries are facing economic recession and have shut down their production plants but India is still growing because our production activities are still strong as proved by Rajo Devi. We are still #1 in producing human beings.

• Even our manufacturing units like Bala Ram at age 72 is capable of powering our baby manufacturing industry because our strong infrastructure is the best for producing babies. Millions like Bala Ram train in the Indian Tradition to power our Production and Manufacturing sector.

Therefore, please declare the recently held Miss World contest void and start over again with Rajo Devi as India’s contestant.

Yours Truly,

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala,

13 Time Mr. Universe, Planet and World winner in addition to being SEBI ‘Investor of the Year’ from 1983.

Only HOLE

As an investor, I often have to make my investments according to the type of government in power.So how is it that I buy shares only of companies I expect to do well under a certain type of government? It’s simple because I always know which party will be in power.My information is based on a simple theory. There is a man on NDTV who appears only when there is an election called Dorab Sopariwala.

Dorab is someone who studies elections on a daily basis and makes predictions based on them and for his efforts gets paid by NDTV 24/7 and NDTV 12/3 and a half.If Dorab says that the Congress party will win an election then I immediately prepare for a BJP victory.If Dorab says that the BJP will win then I prepare for a CONGRESS victory.

In simple words, when Dorab says that something will happen I prepare for the EXACT OPPOSITE of that, that way I’m never wrong.

Most recently, Dorab ran his mouth and said that in Delhi Sheila Dikshit would lose but the moment he said that, I invested in Delhi companies that are favored by the Congress party and I made money as usual.People including Dorab are surprised Sheila Dikshit won; I’m not thanks to Dorab.

There is a word to describe people like Dorab and it’s a combination of two words which are ASS and HOLE.

THINKING ABOUT THIS WORD I tried to think about the other types of holes and found many like:

A Man Hole:

A Snake Hole:

A Dog Hole:

A Golf Hole:

A Ground Hole:

An Eyehole:

And Even An ASSHOLE:

My appreciation for holes is shared by a Kannada film actor called Upendra who is my new best friend. He acted in a film which has a song called ONLY HOLE sung by Udit Narayan.

Being a Gujarati in Mumbai I don’t understand Kannada so I asked my good friend the Karnataka Chief Minister B.S.Yeddiyurappa to translate the lyrics of this song into English.

He did it for me and also gave me the accompanying video on youtube.Such a nice man. Everybody watch it and sing along.

Something Something has happened (X 4 times).

Only HOLE…..Only HOLE…..Only HOLE…. Only HOLE

MTV for Subalakshmi is Only HOLE….Only HOLE,

Zee TV for Madegowda is Only HOLE…Only HOLE,

Without CENSOR show everything,

Like Channel V you must work eh fellow, eh fellow.

Yay, MTV for Subalakshmi is Only HOLE….Only HOLE,

Zee TV for Madegowda is Only HOLE…Only HOLE,

Without CENSOR show everything,

Like Channel V you must work eh fellow, eh fellowwww.

Ah ah ah ah,la la la la la la la.

Why is he coming after me repeatedly? chee!

You don’t love him, yes you do, yes you do.

From husband you are hiding everything,

But for friend you are showing Baywatch.

Within house it is top ten..ooo.

Within the bar it is fountain..ooo.

Outside it’s super show,

Inside it’s horror show,

This is only Midnight Masala, girlie.

Only HOLE, Only HOLE.

MTV for Subalakshmi is Only HOLE….Only HOLE,

Zee TV for Madegowda is Only HOLE…Only HOLE,

Without CENSOR show everything,

Like Channel V you must work eh fellow, eh fellowwww.

Something Something has happened X 4 times.

BPL ooh la la,

Are you coming to Khandala?

Sun TV is your choice,

In the eyes lovely scene.

Citi channel,lovely melodies ,

But I am Udaya TV also.

Only HOLE….Only HOLE.

Yay, MTV for Subalakshmi is Only HOLE….Only HOLE,

Zee TV for Madegowda is Only HOLE…Only HOLE,

Without CENSOR show everything,

Like Channel V you must work eh fellow,eh fellowwww.

Something Something has happened, every thing has happened (x 4).

ONLY HOLE is my favorite song from today. Everybody sing ONLY HOLE.