Friday, August 26, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

A Conversation With Mother India

So I was puffing away on one of my Cohiba Cuban Cigars when the very personification of this Great Country MOTHER INDIA appeared. I bowed to her in Great Reverence, Admiration and my patented Humbleness that those on twitter know me for. Then this conversation happened:

Me: WOW! Mother India!!! What a delightful surprise! I’m so happy to see you!! 

Oh! And by the way, a Very Happy Birthday to you! Happy Independence Day!!

Mother India:  Thank you Rakesh but I am in no mood to celebrate

Me: But Why? You are after all the most awesome 65 Year Old of all time?!!!! You should be partying, instead you are moping around! Why O Mother India? Why doth thou mope?

Mother India: Well, where do we begin?

65 years ago I was happy, it was a glorious time. I was birthed to a time and a people who were filled with hopes, dreams, aspirations and were willing to work hard, honestly and sincerely. A people who treated each other with generosity and respect. A people who were determined to build a country....

Sure, they weren't perfect, they had faults but they were the inheritors of FREEDOM.

A Freedom obtained after a struggle. What others were born into, the Indians were made to work for.

It is the desecration of that sacred freedom which has left me so gloomy at the age of 65. Down the line my children have learnt to take it for granted instead of striving and working towards enriching it…

Me: But! But! Things aren’t that bad Mother India. I mean surely you can’t be that sad about your children!!

Mother India: Rakesh my son, I am certainly not implying that. What distresses me is that the bad about India, far, far outweighs the good...

Imagine the whole of India as my body. From Kashmir begins my head and at Kanyakumari end my feet.

Gujarat is like a right hand and the Northeast is like a left hand. The states in between make up my shoulders and neck.

Madhya Pradesh and Uttar Pradesh make up my stomach.

What I’m trying to say is that each state is an integral part of me and even if a single state or part is hurt then my entire body is off balance. Even if a cell is damaged my entire body is in pain.

More importantly, the body is like a machine. The sum of the parts is what makes the whole. It’s what keeps the system running. Even if one part is injured, it’s not just that part but the whole entire body which bears the burden of the pain and discomfort.


MOTHER INDIA'S SOUL IS NOTHING MORE THAN THE PEOPLE OF INDIA and frankly I don't expect my children to be extraordinary. I just want them to be decent people who treat each other well...

Me: I think I understand, you have expectations from your children like any Mother does...

Mother India: I never expected all my children to be like him –

 I just don’t want one son to harm another, like this fellow does:

 Or this fellow:

What a Mother has belongs to all of her children but some of my children have become too greedy. They take from others what does not belong to them,

Me: Hmmm

Mother India: Scam after scam has clotted my blood

Vidarbha is barren. When the rains fail families starve and farmers kill themselves

There’s a never ending terror problem in pretty much every part of the country. They’ve bombed Mumbai a million times and don’t even get me started on 26/11....

Gujarat Riots, Fanatics, Naxalites, Extremists, Terrorists, pretty much The Works...

Fake Encounters, Mafia Hits,

 Media Pimps,

A Government that can’t seem to do anything about anything and an Opposition that won't allow even that which can be done to get done,

Then there's the usual crime problem, water problem, electricity problem, extra special inflation problem, food grains rotting in godowns etc, etc, etc,etc and more etc,etc

Baba Problem

Sex Baba Problem

A Lokpal Bill which is a Jokepal and pretty soon Anna Hazare is promising an Independence Day Special with yet another hunger strike because for the government to do something one must starve and for a government to also not do anything one must starve!

 Super No! I could go on and on, the list is pretty much endless.

Now you tell me should I really be celebrating my birthday in such an environment? Should I be happy? Must I rejoice in the know that what I am supposed to represent means something totally different these days? Or even worse means nothing at all? Is Apathy a way of life to my children?

Me: At least we have Independence!

Mother India: That’s true Rakesh, Independence is special and it’s beyond explaining in words alone.

But it’s not Independence that we should be hailing. It’s not a case of INDEPENDENCE; it’s a case of IN DEPENDENCE

We are IN DEPENDENCE on Money
IN DEPENDENCE on the Monsoons
IN DEPENDENCE on Healthcare
IN DEPENDENCE on Infrastructure
IN DEPENDENCE on Education

Once again I could go on and on, the list is yet again endless.


And if those who Mother India is IN DEPENDENCE on don't try to be decent citizens then I will never be truly independent.....

Me: But I know one thing that India has which will make you extremely happy! Euphoric even, a cascading fountain of joy you will be drenched under!!!

Mother India: WHOA! OK I’m excited, what is it? Tell me my son Rakesh, what is that will make me so happy?!

Me: Telebrands Mother India! Telebrands!!!!!


Thursday, August 4, 2011

Hello, Rakesh Jhunjhunwala Now Comes With 25% Extra!!!

There are people who say ALWAYS GIVE A 100 % in whatever endeavors you undertake. Ill tell these people right now that they are wrong! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG and more WRONG Dammit! Whatever I say is right and right now I am saying that one must never give a 100%. Rather they must always give 25%.

This is why I made an announcement recently that I intend to give 25% of my wealth away towards charity and the betterment of society.

I mean I have so much money that even Mukesh Ambani borrows from me. Who do you think keeps Reliance's shares on the BSE Sensex huh? So 25 percent is not going to affect me much. I can buy this whole planet, this whole solar system, this whole galaxy and if needed the entire universe if I wanted with the remaining 75% and still have enough cash to lead the high rolling, stake holding, gold bearing, diamond owning, yacht sailing, jet riding, snow skiing, Rolls racing, Helicopter flying, Samosa eating, booze guzzling, red carpet pimping, Note crunching Legendary Investor life that I already lead....RIGHT.

But this 25 percent will make a difference in the lives of those who need it. I am glad that in a country where poverty is a way of life 1 super awesome fantastic human being jumped forth from the drudgery of the melancholy of society to herald a beacon of kindness and philanthropy to the multitudes of poverty thereby inspiring even the inspired to a state of giving.

I am the giver of givers, the kindest of the kind, the coolest of the cool, the awesomest of the awesome and the humblest of the humble! Oh glorious day! I make myself spill tears of joy at the sheer ecstatic pleasurable benevolence of my supremely supreme wonderful mega giving nature.

But why 25%? Why not 24% or 26% or even 47.876543901353749407153380245731%??????

The answer is simple. Marvel at the mathematical precision of this wonderful percentage called 25. For starters take a look at this picture of Rakhi Sawant:

Now look at Rakhi Sawant's CHEST AREA WITH 25 % EXTRA.

This clearly demonstrates the power of 25 percent. Nonetheless for the sake of convenience I shall re-explain.

Here is Anil Kapoor with normal percentage of Chest Hair:

Now look at Anil Kapoor with 25% EXTRA CHEST HAIR.

Still don't get it? Then this will make things even clearer. Forget Anil Kapoor; now look at Sonam Kapoor with normal chest hair:

Now look at Sonam Kapoor with 25% EXTRA CHEST HAIR.

See! This is why 25% is such a magical figure and it is by philanthropy-izing alone that a suitable tribute can be paid to this wonderfully wonderful harmony of numerals juxtaposed into a percentage syntax.

Now watch and listen to this mega danceable song from Heyy Babyy which also has 25% more!

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