How NOT To Do Anything When Your Soldier Dies

INDIAN HOME MINISTRY, 22: 00 HOURS. Home Minister Shinde makes a phone call to Pakistani counterpart Rehman Malik

Shinde : Hello,namaste Rehman Bhai,kaise ho?

Malik : Asalam waleykum shinde bhaijaan,theek hoon,aap boliye

Shinde : What the fu*k is going on yaar? Your army is crossing the LOC and beheading our soldiers.

Malik: Our army! Are you sure?!!! First time I am hearing of this! Our army is busy fighting terrorists with American help. Why would we even cross the border and kill your soldiers?!!

Shinde : Just today I have received information that Hafiz Saeed was at the border a few days back planning for this attack.

Malik: Woh kya hai na sir,see that fellow is under house arrest for 26/11 .Thoda he would have been feeling couped up so we decided to give him some fresh air. He was there only for sight seeing.Bahut dino se border nahin dekha tha na!

Shinde : Look Rehman.Dont angry me ok! If your soldiers did not cut off their heads and kill them then who did? It has to be you only. Its the Line of Control yaar. Not some bloody Bigg Boss house where any and every sidee character can show up aise hi! It is high security danger area. It has to be you! Who else could it be?

Malik: Bhai saab, Incident has happened on your side of LOC! Why are you asking me who did it? We definitely did not do it! We are still celebrating Pakistan team beating your country in cricketrecently but if you are insisting so much I will conduct an investigation and get back to you.

Shinde : Ok,I will wait for your call.

AFTER 10 MINUTES

Malik: Hello Shinde ji! Good news.We have finished our investigation.I can confirm we had nothing to do with killing your soldiers. Who killed them I don’t know but it was definitely not us.

Shinde : This is bullshit Rehman! I am officially condemning this ok! If this type of thing happens again,I will ......I will.... Lodge OFFICIAL PROTEST OK!

Malik: Oh no! Not an official protest!!! We hate official protest. It is a very dangerous thing. I am sorry Shinde saab.Let me do another investigation and get back to you. We will try and find out in detail who is involved in this incident. Let me get back to you ASAP.

Shinde : Ok,thank you.Namaste.

MEANWHILE AT PAKISTAN ARMY HEADQUARTERS GENERAL KAYANI IS TALKING WITH HIS LIEUTENANT

Kayani : Amazing neighbor we have yaar! We go through the trouble of planning such a detailed operation. We cross the Line Of Control.Go into their territory.Ambush their soldiers.Cut their heads and come back.Still they are not going to do anything! Itna saara kaam barbaad kar diya.

Lieutenant: Sir,I don’t know what is wrong with them. During 26/11 we sent 10 terrorists by boat.We captured an entire hotel in Mumbai.Terrorized them for 3 days . Killed so many people.Still they did not do anything!

Last year alone we violated the ceasefire at LOC 75 times.Still they did not do anything.

ISI is smuggling fake currency notes at Nepal border.Still they are not doing anything!

Worse Veena Malik has been living there for years now? Still they are not doing anything! WTF SIR! What is wrong with these bloody Indians! They never do anything!!!

Kayani : Haan yaar,it is very worrying.It is very sad.

I MEAN THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO CORRUPTION. RAJA AND KALMADI ARE OUT ON BAIL. ROBERT VADRA IS STILL DOING BUSINESS. NITIN GADKARI IS BUSY GETTING A SECOND TERM AS BJP PRESIDENT. STILL THEY ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING!

THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO SPORTS.THE CRICKET TEAM LOSES MATCH AFTER MATCH STILL THEY KEEP THE SAME CAPTAIN! THEIR OLYMPIC ASSOCIATION HAS THE SAME OFFICIALS EVEN AFTER SO MANY YEARS.EVEN WHEN THEY ARE BANNED BY THE INTERNATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITEE THEY STILL CONTINUE TO FUNCTION!

PEOPLE LIKE PRAVIN TOGADIA,VARUN GANDHI AND AKBARUDDIN OWAISI TALK OPENLY ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE STILL THEY ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING! 

KHAP PANCHAYATS SAY RAPES HAPPEN BECAUSE OF CHOWMEIN EATING. RSS CHIEF WALRUS FACE BHAGWATSAYS WOMEN SHOULD DO ONLY HOUSEHOLD CHORES . STILL THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING!

ASARAM BAPU SAYS IT IS THE DELHI GANGRAPE VICTIM'S FAULT SHE WAS RAPED! STILL THESE INDIANS ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING!!! YEH KYA HO RAHA HAI YAAR?! 

WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE BLOODY NEIGHBORS??! WHY CAN’T WE HAVE A NEIGHBOR LIKE ISRAEL! THEY ARE SO MUCH FUN. YOU DROP EVEN A PIN ON THEM THEY WILL BOMB YOUR ASS! THESE INDIANS ON THE OTHER HAND DO NOTHING EVEN IF WE CUT OFF THEIR SOLDIERS' HEADS! I AM SAD :( WHY ARE THEY NOT DOING ANYTHING?!!!!

Lieutenant: Sir there is one man in India who is willing to fight everyone on every single thing. He has been fighting since day one on every issue - corruption,cricket,politics,rapes,every single thing!

Kayani : WHO? WHO? TELL ME! WE WILL FIGHT WITH THAT GUY!! AT LEAST HE WILL DO SOMETHING! WHO? WHO?!!!

Lieutenant: This guy:

Team India - Judgement Day

I received this letter from the Hon-her-able Shri Justice Katju :

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To,

The Cricket Patriot and authorities concerned,

Sub: One Veggie Delite and heartbreaking losses of the Indian Cricket Team

It is with a sense of great sorrow and immense personal tragedy that I Justice Katju write this letter to you.

Twenty months ago I watched on my TV set the greatest sight an Indian Cricket lover could behold - a World Cup victory after 28 years.

I was extremely happy then. This is my happy face :)

The situation today however has changed drastically. We find this democracy in the midst of a war with itself. Our institutional machinery is crumbling. We are a country bound and shackled by prejudiced thoughts which is single-mindedly leading a once great cricket team to ruin.

And this makes me sad. This is my sad face :(

A rotten corruption infested Cricket Board only interested in the parasitic life sucking IPL money has mortgaged the careers,health,future and well-being of not only the players but the game as well. A thriving cricket loving public is being taken for a ride with their eyeballs found to be useful only for TRP ratings and their hearts being absolutely useless.

We have prostituted our game and this makes me very very sad. This is my very very  sad face :((

In a last ditch effort to save the game I so dearly love I hereby recommend a set of procedures and reforms which must be instituted quickly so that disasters such as those which have happened against England, Australia and most recently Pakistan cease to exist immediately. A complete and total revamp of the Indian Cricket system is due, one that is systematically designed to help the team get back to winning ways with immediate effect .

My recommendations are as follows :

1.]  Any batsman who scores less than 50 runs each match irrespective of past performance should be handed life imprisonment.

2.] Any bowler who takes less than 3 wickets each match or gives more than 30 runs each ODI should be whipped in front of the public and made to beg for his life.

3.] The BCCI board and top brass headed by N.Srinivasan should be held accountable and tried under section 1,2,3,4 ,etc of the IPC till all sections are exhausted by a Supreme Court bench of Senior Judges. If found guilty they must be made to face a firing squad.

4.] Mahendra Singh Dhoni should be made to resign from his post as Captain of the team on moral grounds with immediate effect and should be issued a showcause notice for violating the Constitution of India by leading the team badly resulting in one loss after another.

5.] Mohinder Amarnath should be appointed Chief selector,Chief pitch curator and Coach of the Indian team with immediate effect. The team needs discipline and moral integrity which I believe Mr.Amarnath will instill within the boys.

6.] Duncan Fletcher, current coach of the team should be sacked. Accountability being lost on this individual he should be thoroughly investigated by the Police and CBI for continued performance dissolution. His visa should be cancelled and his passport should be impounded. Till investigation is not over he should be kept in a maximum security prison and treated as a prisoner of war. When found guilty he should be hanged in secrecy much like Kasab.

More than anything we the people of India must reflect on the recent losses of the team and strive to build a better society in which there is respect, accountability and a great passion for the game of cricket. A game in which competitiveness and athletic ability lead to a drive towards victory achieved through fair means. Nothing less than this will make our forefathers proud.

Signed,
Yours Cricketingly,
Justice Katju.

P.S : After my recommendations are followed I will be extremely delighted and I will be Super Duper Duper Duper Happy. This is what my Super Duper Duper Duper Happy face looks like :)))))))))))))