How NOT To Do Anything When Your Soldier Dies

INDIAN HOME MINISTRY, 22: 00 HOURS. Home Minister Shinde makes a phone call to Pakistani counterpart Rehman Malik

Shinde : Hello,namaste Rehman Bhai,kaise ho?

Malik : Asalam waleykum shinde bhaijaan,theek hoon,aap boliye

Shinde : What the fu*k is going on yaar? Your army is crossing the LOC and beheading our soldiers.

Malik: Our army! Are you sure?!!! First time I am hearing of this! Our army is busy fighting terrorists with American help. Why would we even cross the border and kill your soldiers?!!

Shinde : Just today I have received information that Hafiz Saeed was at the border a few days back planning for this attack.

Malik: Woh kya hai na sir,see that fellow is under house arrest for 26/11 .Thoda he would have been feeling couped up so we decided to give him some fresh air. He was there only for sight seeing.Bahut dino se border nahin dekha tha na!

Shinde : Look Rehman.Dont angry me ok! If your soldiers did not cut off their heads and kill them then who did? It has to be you only. Its the Line of Control yaar. Not some bloody Bigg Boss house where any and every sidee character can show up aise hi! It is high security danger area. It has to be you! Who else could it be?

Malik: Bhai saab, Incident has happened on your side of LOC! Why are you asking me who did it? We definitely did not do it! We are still celebrating Pakistan team beating your country in cricketrecently but if you are insisting so much I will conduct an investigation and get back to you.

Shinde : Ok,I will wait for your call.

AFTER 10 MINUTES

Malik: Hello Shinde ji! Good news.We have finished our investigation.I can confirm we had nothing to do with killing your soldiers. Who killed them I don’t know but it was definitely not us.

Shinde : This is bullshit Rehman! I am officially condemning this ok! If this type of thing happens again,I will ......I will.... Lodge OFFICIAL PROTEST OK!

Malik: Oh no! Not an official protest!!! We hate official protest. It is a very dangerous thing. I am sorry Shinde saab.Let me do another investigation and get back to you. We will try and find out in detail who is involved in this incident. Let me get back to you ASAP.

Shinde : Ok,thank you.Namaste.

MEANWHILE AT PAKISTAN ARMY HEADQUARTERS GENERAL KAYANI IS TALKING WITH HIS LIEUTENANT

Kayani : Amazing neighbor we have yaar! We go through the trouble of planning such a detailed operation. We cross the Line Of Control.Go into their territory.Ambush their soldiers.Cut their heads and come back.Still they are not going to do anything! Itna saara kaam barbaad kar diya.

Lieutenant: Sir,I don’t know what is wrong with them. During 26/11 we sent 10 terrorists by boat.We captured an entire hotel in Mumbai.Terrorized them for 3 days . Killed so many people.Still they did not do anything!

Last year alone we violated the ceasefire at LOC 75 times.Still they did not do anything.

ISI is smuggling fake currency notes at Nepal border.Still they are not doing anything!

Worse Veena Malik has been living there for years now? Still they are not doing anything! WTF SIR! What is wrong with these bloody Indians! They never do anything!!!

Kayani : Haan yaar,it is very worrying.It is very sad.

I MEAN THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO CORRUPTION. RAJA AND KALMADI ARE OUT ON BAIL. ROBERT VADRA IS STILL DOING BUSINESS. NITIN GADKARI IS BUSY GETTING A SECOND TERM AS BJP PRESIDENT. STILL THEY ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING!

THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO SPORTS.THE CRICKET TEAM LOSES MATCH AFTER MATCH STILL THEY KEEP THE SAME CAPTAIN! THEIR OLYMPIC ASSOCIATION HAS THE SAME OFFICIALS EVEN AFTER SO MANY YEARS.EVEN WHEN THEY ARE BANNED BY THE INTERNATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITEE THEY STILL CONTINUE TO FUNCTION!

PEOPLE LIKE PRAVIN TOGADIA,VARUN GANDHI AND AKBARUDDIN OWAISI TALK OPENLY ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE STILL THEY ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING! 

KHAP PANCHAYATS SAY RAPES HAPPEN BECAUSE OF CHOWMEIN EATING. RSS CHIEF WALRUS FACE BHAGWATSAYS WOMEN SHOULD DO ONLY HOUSEHOLD CHORES . STILL THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING!

ASARAM BAPU SAYS IT IS THE DELHI GANGRAPE VICTIM'S FAULT SHE WAS RAPED! STILL THESE INDIANS ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING!!! YEH KYA HO RAHA HAI YAAR?! 

WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE BLOODY NEIGHBORS??! WHY CAN’T WE HAVE A NEIGHBOR LIKE ISRAEL! THEY ARE SO MUCH FUN. YOU DROP EVEN A PIN ON THEM THEY WILL BOMB YOUR ASS! THESE INDIANS ON THE OTHER HAND DO NOTHING EVEN IF WE CUT OFF THEIR SOLDIERS' HEADS! I AM SAD :( WHY ARE THEY NOT DOING ANYTHING?!!!!

Lieutenant: Sir there is one man in India who is willing to fight everyone on every single thing. He has been fighting since day one on every issue - corruption,cricket,politics,rapes,every single thing!

Kayani : WHO? WHO? TELL ME! WE WILL FIGHT WITH THAT GUY!! AT LEAST HE WILL DO SOMETHING! WHO? WHO?!!!

Lieutenant: This guy:

Walk The Crap

So I was watching the following interview last night.

After this I summoned Shekhar Gupta and this happened:

Me: Shekhar Gupta, our paths cross again

Gupta:Yes Sir! How are you?

Me: Better than you for sure. Amazing journalism. Really first class. Gotta admire your “journalistic instinct” or whatever the hell that was which made the implication the Army Chief was planning a coup

Gupta: Thank you Sir!

Me: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC, JACKASS!!

Gupta: Oh! But I was only putting facts out there Rakesh Sir. 2 Army units moved were indeed moved to Delhi after the General of the Indian Army sued the government. Isme galat kya likha hai maine?

Me: YOU KNOW SHEKHAR. YOU THINK YOU'RE REALLY SMART. THAT’S THE PROBLEM. YOU WRITE AN ARTICLE THAT IS BASICALLY HORSE SHIT. YOU SPRINKLE A LITTLE TALCUM POWDER ON THIS HORSE SHIT AND CALL IT "RESPONSIBLE JOURNALISM".

Even someone with half a brain can make the connection. You guys were trying to imply that those Army units were moved with some sort of devious intent by the Army General. Of course you stopped short of calling it a coup because that would then lead to trouble for you. Now you put on this dog and pony show on TV saying you only reported the facts and leave it to the readers to decide if the General was planning a coup or not.

Gupta: But that’s exactly what I did Rakesh Sir! I am a super duper awesome responsible journalist and I definitely reported the facts. Now if people draw their own conclusions it’s up to them!

 

Me: DON'T BULLSHIT ME SHEKHAR. I’VE BEEN DEALING WITH BULLSHITTERS BIGGER THAN YOU ALL MY LIFE. DON’T TRY AND PULL THE WOOL OVER MY EYES WITH YOUR "I ONLY REPORTED THE FACTS, LET PEOPLE DRAW THEIR OWN CONCLUSIONS" NONSENSE. I STILL REMEMBER THAT STUNT YOU PULLED MENTIONING MY GREAT NAME AND TWITTER ACCOUNT IN YOUR EDITORIAL.

NOW YOU PAINT A PICTURE WITH FACTS BUT YOU DO IT VERY SMARTLY, YOU ARRANGE THEM IN SUCH A WAY THAT PEOPLE WHO READ YOUR STORY ARE LED TO BUT ONE CONCLUSION. YOU DRAW A PICTURE WITH THE FACTS AND ASK THE READERS TO CONNECT THE DOTS BUT YOU ASK THEM TO CONNECT THE DOTS IN SUCH A MANNER THAT WHEN THE FULL PICTURE EMERGES IT’S A PICTURE YOU WANT THEM TO SEE, NOT THE PICTURE ITS ACTUALLY MEANT TO BE.... RIGHT?

SO WHEN YOU WRITE THAT THE ARMY GENERAL MOVED 2 UNITS ON THE NIGHT HE BECOMES THE FIRST INDIAN GENERAL TO TAKE HIS GOVERNMENT TO COURT YOU PRETTY MUCH SAY THAT HE WAS PLANNING A COUP BUT YOU SAY IT WITHOUT SAYING IT....

VERY SMART. IT CREATES A NICE LITTLE CONTROVERSY, STIRS THE HORNET'S NEST. SELLS A LOT OF PAPERS. YOU MAKE MONEY. EVERYONE IS HAPPY. OF COURSE YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE INDIAN SOLDIER WHO'S BUSTING HIS ASS EVERY SINGLE DAY TO KEEP THE REST OF US SAFE.

Gupta: But Rakesh Sir! I have only shown the divide between civil-military relations in our country.

Me: We already knew there was a divide in civil-military relations you dumbass! We knew that the day the Army Chief sued the government itself. Your cock and bull story about the government getting spooked only shows that there is a deep divide between your intelligence and your understanding of the situation.

Gupta: Rakesh Sir. You are beginning to sound like all those retired Army people on TV who are blaming me! These Army people don't know the truth. They are not in the Army now, they are retired. They don't know what is going on these days so they like you are blaming me!

Me: You're telling me you know more about the Indian Army than people who have spent most of their life actually serving in the Army and know how things in the Army work compared to you who only reports on the Army once in a while that too only when there is a controversy?

Gupta: Err.....

Me: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU MAN? I USED TO READ YOUR PAPER IN THE 80'S AND THE 90'S. YOU GUYS USED TO KICK ASS. YOU WATCHED THE COUNTRY LIKE A HAWK. YOU WERE ON THE GOVERNMENT'S CASE 24X7. THOSE GUYS WERE SCARED OF YOU. YOU WERE HARDCORE ANTI ESTABLISHMENT WATCHDOGS THAT GAVE THE MEDIA A GOOD NAME. I WAS PROUD THAT THIS COUNTRY HAD AN HONEST PAPER LIKE THE INDIAN EXPRESS. SINCE WHEN DID THE INDIAN EXPRESS START KISSING ASS INSTEAD OF KICKING IT?

Gupta: I object Rakesh Sir. If we are really pro establishment instead of being anti establishment then how come we report that the government was spooked by the Army that night? If we were pro establishment we wouldn't have said the government was scared of the Army and had to recall the Defence Secretary immediately from an overseas trip to deal with this!

Me: Look at you acting like you don't know there’s a larger agenda at play here.

You are BEING PRO ESTABLISHMENT by being anti establishment

Gupta: Whaaaaa?

Me: TWO NEGATIVES MAKE A POSITIVE. BY DISCREDITING THE ARMY CHIEF YOU END UP BENEFITING WHO THE ARMY CHIEF HAS BEEN FIGHTING ALL ALONG. CORRUPT ARMS DEALERS, DEFENCE CONTRACTORS WHO BRIBE, SUCKY TRUCK SELLERS, IDIOT MINISTERS AND SCAM RIDDEN BUREAUCRATS.

OF COURSE WHILE ALL THIS HAPPENS YOU FORGET YET AGAIN THAT OUR SOLDIERS MIGHT ACTUALLY READ YOUR CRAP.

THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED MORALE AND YOU ARE DRAGGING AN HONEST GENERAL AND AN EXCELLENT ARMY INTO THE DIRT WHEN YOU TRY TO IMPLY THAT THOSE WHO GUARD OUR BORDERS AND PROTECT US IN PLACES LIKE SIACHEN,LADAKH, WAGAH,THE ENTIRE COASTLINE, EVERY SINGLE NOOK AND CRANNY OF THIS NATION WHERE THE INDIAN SOLDIER BREATHES IS INTERESTED IN OVERTHROWING THE VERY DEMOCRACY THEY STRIVE TO SAFEGUARD EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THEIR LIVES.

Gupta: Allow me to defend myself Rakesh Sir!

Me: No need. I've seen your Defence on TV the past 24 hours. Your stupid little personal life greeting card type anecdotes, telling people to read books, making yourself out to be some kind of journalist crusader. No thanks. I’ve had enough of your nonsense.

Gupta: What should I do now Rakesh Sir?

Me: Sort out the issue.

Gupta: How?

Me: Do a special Walk the Talk episode with yourself as interviewer and guest. Maybe that'll knock some sense into your head.

Now buzz off!