Emergency Round Table Conference - Part 1

Time: 6 pm; Date: Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Place:Gram Vikas Mahila Community Hall (because the Taj was booked)

Occasion: Emergency meeting of the Association of Rich Guys© (Indian Division) to discuss really important things.

“Me: Ladies, Gentlemen and Hutchinson.D.Pug. We are gathered here today in light of the serious situation that has occurred after the bomb blasts in Bangalore and Ahmadabad. Many of us have received death threats. I am personally offended that I have not received a death threat but my good friend Muk-hays Ambani has.

Most importantly, the Bombay Stock Exchange is also a target. You people must make this a priority as well because all your money is here and none of you are as smart as me when it comes to making money of the Sensex.

Moreover after receiving this from the Government, I trust them even less.

Me: I now open the floor to debate possible solutions to this problem of bombs, terrorists and terrorists who want to bomb the BSE.

Pravin Togadia: We can combat this problem by conducting riots.

Ha-Nil Ambani: How will that help?

Muk-hays Ambani.I call for my little brother’s comment to be cancelled from the records. I use my first right of refusal to refuse him the first response to Togadia’s solution.

Togadia: Shut up Ambanis & listen to me. Riots work because I’ve been taught that Riots are the one universal solution to all of mankind’s problems. For example the solution to the problem 2+2 is not 4 but riots. Inflation can be solved by riots. Power Cuts can be solved by riots. Poverty and hunger can also be solved by riots. The Kashmir problem can be solved by using riots.

Even riots can be solved by riots.

Monty Ahluwalia: As Deputy Chairman of the Planning Commission, I plan to propose a plan which will institute a committee to probe the blasts. To validate the findings of this committee I plan to form another committee to look into the findings of the first committee. I then plan to have another committee to review the recommendations of the first two committees. All committees will be headed by retired High Court judges. I’m sure that after Twenty Years and another 2000 blasts we will have a definite answer to solving this problem. Patience is the key

Alyque Padamsee: Can I go now? There is a TV channel somewhere that needs my expert opinion on the bomb blasts.


Baba Ramdev: Riots are not the universal solution to mankind’s problems. YOGA is. Let us have a mass workshop on Yoga and teach Yoga to everyone. I plan on releasing a new book ‘Yoga For Terrorists’ which will dissuade them from bombing anything.

Togadia: Eh Baba, How dare you say YOGA>RIOT; just for that I will conduct more Riots.

Baba Ramdev: No problem, you can use my book ‘Yoga For Rioters: A Comprehensive Guide To Better Rioting’ available for Rs.799/- only. In fact if you buy it today you get a free DVD of Shilpa Shetty doing Yoga on a boat.

RatanTata: I once saw a terrorist family of five using just one gun. I was moved. I now plan to open a manufacturing unit in Singur to make cheaper guns for terrorists. I shall call it the MEGA AK 47-NANO.It will cost only one hundred rupees.

Mamata Banerjee: Riot

Togadia: Yeah Baby, Riot.

Mamata Banerjee: Not against the blasts baldy, against Ratan Tata and the new Singur plant.

Narayan Murthy: At Infosys we are driven by a drive to create low cost solutions for the world. Maybe we can have some of these terrorists outsource their work to us. We will conduct bombings for them at cheaper rates. Unfortunately those guys want to bomb our own campuses in India.

Sachin Tendulkar: Visa Power for bombings, go get it.

Pavan Munjal: It’s a difficult decision for me. Ever since the bombings started the sales of Hero Cycles have increased.

Me: Okay, stop it; they need to close down the hall. The police suspect a bomb somewhere in the area. We’ll continue this later.”

(To Be Continued)

A Letter From Heaven

Heaven’s courier service delivered this to me:-

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Dear Rakesh,

It is with great sadness that I write this letter to you.

Heaven is a very difficult place to live in. Inflation is affecting not only you but me as well. The angels have stopped shining their feathers for fear that feather polish might become even more expensive. God has also started to tax us to moderate the budget up here.

However I am writing this because I am in dire need of help. My name is being used to create a lot of problems.

As you know I sat under a coconut tree day in and out and wrote the Ramayana. In those days there was no computer or anything. I used a pigeon feather to write the Ramayana on palm leaves. Struggle was the order of the day. Even Sage Valmiki whose work inspired mine was extremely happy with my efforts. Now, unfortunately the both of us are looking at the Earth and deeply saddened by all that is happening to our legacy.

At first the Government goes to the Court and says the Ram Setu never existed. This after years of having it taught as Adam’s Bridge in textbooks. After saying it existed they then said Ram didn’t commission its building. I know he built it because he applied for a permit with the sea department headed by Lord Varuna.

The Vanaras and he used state of the art technology to build the bridge. That’s the reason why the bridge bricks floated. After all this the government went ahead and said Ram himself never existed. This shocked me. Ravana and his entire family are laughing at me from hell because they find it funny that the government thinks the Lord never existed. To back all of this they keep flaunting the affidavit the Government filed in the Supreme Court from hell in my face.

Then they said Lord Ram did exist in a matter of a few days. All this confusion has us doubting if we ourselves ever existed.

After this they once again said that there was no Ram Setu.

Now they’re saying that the bridge was there but Lord Ram himself destroyed it. They found proof of this in the Ramayana written by me. They’re quoting my statements to say that Lord Ram destroyed the Setu. I know for a fact that Lord Ram didn’t destroy the Setu at least not in my book because I wrote it. That’s why my version of the Ramayana bears my name.

I consulted with Valmiki as well who said he doesn’t know for sure who destroyed the Setu. Even Lord Rama is not sure if the Setu was destroyed going by the way the VHP claims it’s still there. Lord Ram has now ordered an investigation to find out who destroyed the Setu.

Meanwhile I am pissed that the government is saying that I said Ram destroyed the Setu.

I need help from Ram not Lord Ram but Ram Jethmalani. You need to arrange for Ram Jethmalani even though he’s currently fighting for Anil Ambani, to file a defamation suit on my behalf against the government. Ram Jethmalani can convert any story into anything else. He can prove something that happened to have never happened to have happened again just like how he proved Jessica Lal was shot by a Sardarji.


Ask him to prove that it was a Sardarji who destroyed the Ram Setu.

When the case is in my favor then force the government to build a new Setu. You can invest in a cement company on the Sensex and watch it rise as that company sells more cement to the Government to build the new Setu.

History is indeed funny. Everything happened so damn long ago that I can’t remember. I just learnt that the Taj Mahal was actually a Shiva temple. I’m off to mount Kailas to confirm that from Shiva himself.

Till next time, take care and remember I never said Lord Ram destroyed the Setu.














Yours sincerely,
Kamban.

Singh is King Thanks To A Humble Stock Broker

The Prime Minister called me and thanked me for all the support I gave him in the New Delhi Derby. The media monkeys have renamed it as the Trust Vote or Confidence Motion .For them an event like this is worth its weight in diamonds. Hollering about Aarushi Talwar and inflation for a period of two months has left them desperate for some different news.

Everyone from Prannoy Roy to Rajdeep Sardesai to Udayan Mukherjee is wondering how the Prime Minister managed to win the vote with 275 MP’s. What they will never find out is that a certain stock broker in Mumbai engineered the whole deal behind the deal.

The nuclear deal was simply a pretext for him to get rid of the Communists.

His continued forecast of an unstable political climate and slogans of ‘High Inflation’ shouted from rooftops of the BSE and the NSE led to panic selling by ordinary mortals. This automatically brought down the Sensex which in turn allowed him to pick up 5 star quality shares at throwaway prices.

When he realized that the left was pissed off with a certain nuclear deal, he told the Prime Minister to keep beating around the bush. The nuclear speculation along with rumors of going to the IAEA led to many communists suffering from insomnia, impotence and amnesia while the communist women were reduced to hysterical bouts of insanity as an attack on the communist ideology by the nuclear deal was unthinkable.

The day the Prime Minister went to the IAEA was the same day the broker had used his Reliance connections to get the two Singh’s Amar and Mulayam to pledge their allegiance to the government. People are still figuring out how the Samajwadi Party came to support the government the same day the left withdrew. Obviously they don’t know what I know.

The next few days saw the Sensex fall even further which allowed him to buy even more shares at throwaway prices.

Meanwhile all the loose characters in the Indian democracy were busy running around getting airports named, renamed and cancelled. Certain female leaders spread their MAYAJAAL and wanted to be the Prime Minister. The other fellows who supported her obviously missed the fact that ‘Behenji’ can never be PM because she has only 17 MP’s.

Over time it became clear that the UPA would indeed survive. The Sensex started to pick up. This allowed the broker to sell some of what he had bought earlier for huge profit margins.

On the day of the vote the communists pulled a fast one by having three BJP MP’s bring in bundles of money and parading it in front of the house accusing the UPA of giving it to them. The plan was obviously to cancel the trust vote. Unluckily for them the broker had expected a stunt like this which is why he had in his pocket the Speaker of the house who decided to push the motion in spite of corruption charges.

The rest as some people say is history.

The UPA government won ,the nuclear deal went through and the political climate has changed from unstable to stable which will lead to the Sensex rising even more allowing the broker to sell all that he had bought when the climate was unstable.

The broker’s Reliance friends are now in the government which is good for him. The communists are gone which is EXCELLENT.

The only problem is he will have to meet future cabinet ministers like Pappu Yadav and Syed Shahbuddin in jail.

No problem for him though. The broker is a genius. One of the unsung heroes of the Indian democracy.

Celestial New Delhi Derby

So the markets have been falling. The morale at Dalal Street is very low. Many brokers are seeking psychiatric help to deal with market falling issues.

At Rare Enterprises economic experts have been showing me graphs that look like a Picasso painting insipidly pointing at high’s and lows finding every convenient excuse from crude oil to inflation.

Top secret sources have revealed to me that a rare celestial event that occurs every now and then is about to occur. My top secret sources include the astrologers on Aaj Tak and the award winning channel India TV.

When the 6^th planet diagonally cuts across the trapezoid hexagonal formation of Mars and Venus resulting in a Pythagorean locus to interject the 87^th polygonal angle, a horse race of epic proportions called the New Delhi Derby occurs. This is not a conventional horse race. It does not involve 18 or 20 horses to race but rather 543 to race.

The horses are divided into two camps; one camp is pro nuclear and the other anti nuclear. In order for a camp to win 272 of its horses need to cross the finish line.

India TV’s astrology experts have said that this phenomenon can be beneficial if the horses wear white on July 22nd, 2008 and race in a huge hall. A communist horse that wants to speak but is prevented from doing so by a 24 Karat horse should referee the race much against the wishes of the other red horses of its own tribe.

However horses these days are very expensive and make unusual demands. One particular group of horses from Jharkhand are experts in racing in the New Delhi Derby. They were purchased for a huge price in 1993 to save the hand camp which they did very well. This time their racing skills are being negotiated for a high price. However the leader of the Jharkhand horses called Shibu likes to eat coal instead of grass. So he won’t run for the hand camp unless he gets coal in crores.

Another 3 horses from Karnataka headed by a horse who himself lost the race in 1996 because horses from the hand camp pulled the rug from under his feet is still pissed but he’s even more pissed that a lotus eating horse beat his ass in an election and took away his mines in Bellary.

A group of horses in Kashmir are still undecided about running the New Delhi Derby but will definitely decide if they get paid well. They will decide to run after a National Conference.

Some horses are in jail accused of murder, theft and violating half the provisions of the IPC. Special provisions are being made by a secular hand to shift them from jail to the veterinary hospitals because the horses have suddenly fallen sick before the Derby. In the hospitals they will be well looked after under the supervision of India’s Attorney General who will ensure their safe passage on to greener pastures.

Many horses are stubborn and don’t like being whipped especially on race day. No matter what happens their rearing expenses are high and directly imported from the R.B.I.

Horse trading in India is very lucrative. The Sensex is simply falling because the government is selling it’s holdings in its own companies on the BSE and NSE to buy horses.

Can’t anyone understand that?

Airline Wars - An Illustrated Explanation

For the past few days I have been witness to a gargantuan war between the different airlines in India. I have been thoroughly entertained by the antics of everyone from Captain Gopinath of Air Deccan to liquor producer and swimsuit calendar maker par excellence Dr.Vijay Mallya.

Poor Naresh Goyal of Jet Airways in the meanwhile is still regretting his decision to purchase Sahara airlines from Subrata Roy. I specifically told him not to do it simply because dealing with a conglomerate consisting of Amar Singh, Mulayam Singh, Amitabh Bachchan, Anil Ambani and the Lucknow High Court is extremely difficult.

While driving to the BSE every day I have been witness to the airlines trying to out–advertise each other. This is because the cost cutting measures have not been working. Even the obligatory smile from the Air-Hostess has become low cost in low cost airlines, economy class in the economy class and high class in the high class airlines.

For my journal I have been taking snaps of these advertising hoardings with my obscenely expensive Canon DRFSXCUYT 6785400987WERT54231 Camera With Super Smart Image Focus ™(Patent Pending).I plan to use these images in future seminars where I will teach aspiring morons from the IIM or IIT or even the Government Veterinary Colleges about smart marketing.

The first snap is an indicator of how people will buy an airline ticket based on the advertising campaign alone. By putting out this hoarding Naresh Goyal sold more tickets just by convincing people that he had brought about a big change when in fact all he had done was change the uniforms of his pilots and cabin crew.

The second snap is an indicator that the prospect of sexy air hostesses will sell anything. It also helps if you get free liquor. Perhaps the coolest part of this campaign is the fact that even though you own a recently formed airline company that is still trying to recover its investment you can still pass it off as a major contender to Jet Airways if your name is Vijay Mallya.

The third snap is an indicator that you can get your brand noticed simply by stating an obvious fact though the advertising campaign fails to explain how the CEO of the airline can be Preity Zinta’s boyfriend and not use her in the campaign while BSNL can make loads of cash by using her.

The fourth is an indicator of India’s growth fueled by the government. A true social and economic yardstick. A very smart way by which a certain Lalu Yadav can say ‘I never got a management degree, I simply cut costs and outsourced services but I made a big deal about it. Something all of you have been doing for so long but couldn’t do when it came to your airline companies. You guys are indeed dumbasses and the railway records prove that I’ve kicked all your asses combined.’

Poor Siddhanta Sharma of Spicejet was unable to add his own hoarding because he was busy resigning.

The last one is a part of ingenuity thought up by the officials of a government transport service implying simply that the other guys needn’t have gone through any of this trouble. In India a sub standard road service can continue to remain sub standard and make money without doing anything.

It’s no wonder I’m dumping my stocks in the airline sector because they are not the BEST.

This Is Youngistaan,Baby

It’s a good thing that Pepsi is not listed on the Bombay Stock Exchange (read as Mumbai Stock Exchange if you are Orange Guy or In Shiva’s Army) .The crap filled high on cola monkeys led by Indra Nooyi have shown exceptional stupidity in the last three days. Stupidity I would have exploited to bring the monkeys down if they were indeed listed.

There is a man in Mumbai called Sachin Tendulkar who was dropped by Pepsi as a brand ambassador after fifteen years. When I asked a Pepsi executive why that was so he put aside his feeding bottle filled with Pepsi and said that “Sachin does not fit into our brand value and our Youngistaan campaign anymore.”

Youngistaan is a country for everyone who drinks Pepsi. It is awaiting government clearance along with Telangana, Gorkhaland, Naxalland, Peanut Land and Chocolate Land. Pepsi’s corporate strategy is to enter politics. By struggling for this nation top Pepsi officials want to contest elections and be a strategic partner to the United Pepsi Alliance or UPA .Once they are in the government they intend to pass a law banning the consumption of any liquid which is not Pepsi. This will indeed lead to increased sales.

It is India’s next stage in Communal Politics known as Corporate Politics.

This grand plan was thought up by Indra Nooyi from the IIM.Only someone from the IIM can think of something like this.

Pepsi will however continue to use the services of Ranbir Kapoor and not Sachin Tendulkar.

No matter how many films he acts in, Ranbir Kapoor’s greatest hit now and forever will always be the fact that he managed to convince Deepika Padukone that he was indeed her boyfriend.

Pepsi will rather stick with this guy instead of someone who has thrashed every possible bowler on the planet, scored 39 Test centuries and 42 One Day hundreds in addition to creating chronic emotional depression in the mind of Shoaib Akhtar and Shane Warne.

Ranbir Kapoor on the other hand begged Sanjay Leela Bhansali (a sensitive man who understands cinema and won’t shave) to allow him to show his butt on screen. In his very first film Ranbir did a nude scene in the interest of Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s aesthetic world view.

However the Indian Censor Board was so shocked by what they saw that they banned the nude scene in Saawariya.Sanjay Leela Bhansali and 500 other crew members defended Ranbir’s Butt claiming that it was done in the heightened interest of Indian cinema. The censor board however continued to maintain that Youngistaan should never be witness to such an ugly sight. I thank them for this noble endeavor.

If Pepsi were to ever list on the Bombay Stock Exchange they would indeed become the official drink of the Sensex. Important investors like me will be persuaded to drink Pepsi on TV in the communal interest of Youngistaan. We will also be pushed to promote Pepsi as the #1 Cola drink preferred by stock marketers worldwide.

Pepsi will also look to make the Youngistaan movement a turning point in the nation’s history. They intend to have it taught in history text books in future.

However Pepsi will never realize that in spite of Sachin or me having to say that we drink Pepsi publicly we always drink Thums Up because it tastes like thunder.

Ranbir and Sanjay Leela Bhansali will continue drinking Pepsi from a feeding bottle.

First Right Of Refusal By Ekta Kapoor

[This entry of my journal is dedicated to my new Management Consultant Gautam Ghosh who taught me how I could get a part- time MBA on UTVi, Saturday at 6 pm]

I recently conducted a nationwide poll in association with the same guys who get the election results wrong every time. Our field operatives were members of the NOIDA police department for their outstanding work in the Aarushi Talwar murder case. They were standing outside the crime scene while everyone else was freely walking inside.

My poll revealed that people everywhere want to know secrets about Anil Ambani.I would gladly tell people all his secrets but unfortunately for me his brother Mukesh can always claim the ‘First Right Of Refusal’ and prevent me from revealing all his secrets. I am however not bound by the right of refusal to disclose just one secret.

I plan on disclosing that one secret through a 35,987 episode series produced by Ekta Kapoor.Ekta has assured me that there is enough material in that one secret to create a TV show that will last forever.

For the sake of numerology we will add extra K’s to the title of that show and call it “Anil Kkkkiii Kkkkkkkahani”.It will be sponsored by Colgate Toothpaste and B-Tex itch removing cream.Nirma, Pepsi, Parachute Coconut Oil and Sunsilk will be the other associate sponsors.

The secret is based on the concept of the right to refuse things and how brothers interfere in each other’s rights by refusing first the other’s right to rightfully establish their rights.

It’s about how Anil had the right to buy a South African Telecom Company but how that right was refused by his brother who himself had the right to refuse it.

In return Anil refused Mukesh’s right to build a helipad on his 2 billion dollar home by having the Government's Environmental Agencies refusing Mukesh’s right on behalf of Anil.

To further his revenge Anil refused Mukesh the right to present two planes to his wife by having Customs officials refusing the right to present planes to wives on behalf of Anil .This right was based on the Department Of Customs’ right to refuse the entry of planes since their right to customs duty was violated by Mukesh. Even though Mukesh had paid the customs, Anil had used his right to refuse the transfer of funds to the Customs Department.

Anil also refused Mukesh the right to use those planes after he had rightfully paid the Customs Department.Anil had secretly used his right to hire pilots to fly Mukesh’s planes from the roster of Air-India .These pilots were specialists in maintaining their right to sleep while flying planes.

This led to the Civil Aviation Ministry using its right to refuse Mukesh’s planes from flying because the right of pilot’s sleep can be overwritten by the ministry’s right to refuse sleeping pilots to fly.

As a result the wife of Mukesh had to go by car instead of the plane. Rising fuel prices forced them into poverty which led them to coming to the house of a stock market genius called Rakesh who had himself survived the fuel crisis as he had wisely invested in alternate fuel sources like Praj Industries.

That’s where the series is fast forwarded by 20 years and the right to refuse is now repayed by Mukesh to Anil.

Actors for this show will be recruited by my new management consultant Gautam Ghosh who will himself be refusing offers from UTVi because they cut his TV appearance from 2 hours to 20 seconds.

It’s also about Rafael Nadal’s right to refuse Roger Federer his 6^th Wimbledon title and Ajantha Mendis’s right to refuse India an Asia Cup victory.

However India will eventually refuse Sri Lanka the right to win.

First Right of Refusal-A Beautiful Concept.

The Fine Art Of Subtexting

In light of all the hectic economic activity occurring the past few days, a savvy investor like me should be able to read the sub text of what is being said. The ability to read subtext is an important skill that many don’t possess.

But because I do I can take advantage of the markets irrespective of whether they rise or fall. Given below are examples of how I sub texted statements by various people and used them to my advantage.

Montek Singh Ahluwalia ,Deputy Chairman, Planning Commission, Government of India:

“Progress is there. Growth is taking place, but poverty is not going down as fast as it should have been. Over 22 percent of the population still lives below the poverty line.”

Sub text: I can’t believe I’ve had this job for 4 years but because I can talk like this I can get away with it.

Petroleum Minister Shri Murli Deora, 19th World Petroleum Congress at Madrid:

“I am delighted to be present in this historic city of Madrid with professionals of oil and gas sector from all over the world sharing ideas on the challenges facing us. India’s population has crossed the 1 billion mark. To maintain high growth rate of the economy, we need substantial amount of oil and natural gas.”

Sub text: Wow! How cool is it that I got here just when Spain won Euro 2008.I’m gonna party all night and present a huge bill to the External Affairs Ministry. We’ll also give Oil contracts to those who give us the Cheapest Tender. Government is important, Quality is not.

CNBC-TV18's Executive Editor, Udayan Mukherjee:

“From sub 3900 levels on the Nifty, we have now clawed back to about 3960, still down a massive 130 points but at least some sign of buying or short covering has emerged over the last few minutes ditto with the Sensex, which is down 700 points is now down about 400 points.”

Sub text: I can’t believe I do this every single day of my life. No wonder I don’t have a girlfriend and the Backstreet Boys won’t even accept me as a band member.

The Union Finance Minister, Hon-her-able P. Chidambaram

“I may point out that giving up revenues and borrowing an equivalent amount in the market in order to finance expenditure would also be inflationary. Nevertheless, I will take Mr. (Yashwant) Sinha’s suggestion on board and will explore the options”

Sub text: How the hell did I screw this inflation thing so bad that I have to take advice from a dork like Yashwant Sinha?

Amar Singh, The SP General Secretary

“We have been asking the government to impose windfall tax on oil companies. But Mr. Deora is allowing windfall profit of oil companies to appreciate during his charge of the ministry. This approach of the minister is both sinful and shameful.”

Sub text: I don’t like that dehydrated skeleton Deora. I should have gone to Spain and partied with their football fans instead I’m stuck here .All this matter of the SP supporting the UPA work has been put on my head by Mulayam Singh while he himself parties with Amitabh.

Technical Analyst, Rajat K Bose:

“The whole IT pack led by Infosys that is also looking pretty strong on the charts. Chances are that one would see good buying into IT stocks, Reliance, Reliance Petroleum, Aban, Sesa Goa since they have corrected quite a bit."

Sub text: I’m no Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. When in doubt I always tell people to buy Infosys and Reliance. The sad part is that even a kindergartener knows all this. What’s even sadder is that CNBC pays me to say this.

Ad Guru Prahlad Kakkar:

“It's all about serving the ego of the buyer.”

Sub text: I heard myself speak. I rule!!!

VHP General Secretary Pravin Togadia :

"Haj subsidy must be cancelled. No flights for Haj should be sent as it is wastage of precious fuel the cost of which has to be borne from the taxpayers,"

Sub text #1: Riot

Sub text # 2-Bharat Bandh.

Sub text #3- This is proof India is diversifying. Earlier our Bandh calls were limited to states only but the booming economy has meant an expansion nationwide. That’s why we’re calling a nationwide BANDH even though most of the country has nothing to do with our issues.

Sub text #4: Riot + Bandh.