Thursday, July 10, 2008

This Is Youngistaan,Baby

It’s a good thing that Pepsi is not listed on the Bombay Stock Exchange (read as Mumbai Stock Exchange if you are Orange Guy or In Shiva’s Army) .The crap filled high on cola monkeys led by Indra Nooyi have shown exceptional stupidity in the last three days. Stupidity I would have exploited to bring the monkeys down if they were indeed listed.

There is a man in Mumbai called Sachin Tendulkar who was dropped by Pepsi as a brand ambassador after fifteen years. When I asked a Pepsi executive why that was so he put aside his feeding bottle filled with Pepsi and said that “Sachin does not fit into our brand value and our Youngistaan campaign anymore.”

Youngistaan is a country for everyone who drinks Pepsi. It is awaiting government clearance along with Telangana, Gorkhaland, Naxalland, Peanut Land and Chocolate Land. Pepsi’s corporate strategy is to enter politics. By struggling for this nation top Pepsi officials want to contest elections and be a strategic partner to the United Pepsi Alliance or UPA .Once they are in the government they intend to pass a law banning the consumption of any liquid which is not Pepsi. This will indeed lead to increased sales.

It is India’s next stage in Communal Politics known as Corporate Politics.

This grand plan was thought up by Indra Nooyi from the IIM.Only someone from the IIM can think of something like this.

Pepsi will however continue to use the services of Ranbir Kapoor and not Sachin Tendulkar.

No matter how many films he acts in, Ranbir Kapoor’s greatest hit now and forever will always be the fact that he managed to convince Deepika Padukone that he was indeed her boyfriend.

Pepsi will rather stick with this guy instead of someone who has thrashed every possible bowler on the planet, scored 39 Test centuries and 42 One Day hundreds in addition to creating chronic emotional depression in the mind of Shoaib Akhtar and Shane Warne.

Ranbir Kapoor on the other hand begged Sanjay Leela Bhansali (a sensitive man who understands cinema and won’t shave) to allow him to show his butt on screen. In his very first film Ranbir did a nude scene in the interest of Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s aesthetic world view.

However the Indian Censor Board was so shocked by what they saw that they banned the nude scene in Saawariya.Sanjay Leela Bhansali and 500 other crew members defended Ranbir’s Butt claiming that it was done in the heightened interest of Indian cinema. The censor board however continued to maintain that Youngistaan should never be witness to such an ugly sight. I thank them for this noble endeavor.

If Pepsi were to ever list on the Bombay Stock Exchange they would indeed become the official drink of the Sensex. Important investors like me will be persuaded to drink Pepsi on TV in the communal interest of Youngistaan. We will also be pushed to promote Pepsi as the #1 Cola drink preferred by stock marketers worldwide.

Pepsi will also look to make the Youngistaan movement a turning point in the nation’s history. They intend to have it taught in history text books in future.

However Pepsi will never realize that in spite of Sachin or me having to say that we drink Pepsi publicly we always drink Thums Up because it tastes like thunder.

Ranbir and Sanjay Leela Bhansali will continue drinking Pepsi from a feeding bottle.

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