Bigg Boss MONTYNALYZED

At first it was a visionary idea (NREGI) then it became a bill (NREGB), then it became a scheme (NREGS), then it became an act (NREGA). On the Second of October this year, they remembered Mahatma Gandhi and used his name on his birthday and now call it the Mahatma Gandhi National Rural Employment Guarantee Act (MNREGA).

The MNREGA is India’s single greatest economic achievement and is such a mind boggling universe splitting super duper bombastic dandruff removing ultra popular hyper spectacular sexy idea that every unemployed person in India now has a job. Foreign MBA students are doing case studies on the MNREGA and want their own countries to introduce the MNREGA to combat the “recession”. Stupid foreign hacks, always wanting to copy Indian ideas. Typical…..right.

You too must see this wonderful achievement in action and thanks to the power of television you can! The real life success of the MNREGA is being documented every night on a program called BIGG BOSS.

Unemployed people from around the country are bundled up and locked away in a house. This project alone has generated so much employment that it’s simply unbelievable.

Firstly there are the interior designers, plumbers, electricians, maintenance people and contractors who are employed in the construction of the big boss house.

Secondly there are the wholesale and retail vendors who supply food to the big boss contestants.

Thirdly there are the security people maybe from TOPS group security guarding the Bigg Boss house from poky eyes.

Fourthly there are the news channel anchors who in detail profile each contestant in the big boss house.

Fifthly there are the scientific anthropologists who observe the many facets of a volatile primate society.

And finally there are the jobless contestants themselves who have volunteered to give up their freedom and solitarily confine themselves to take part in the champion of freedom; the great Mahatma Gandhi’s National Rural Employment Guarantee Act all in a patriotic effort to increase their daily wages and on a national level India’s GDP.

Of course they will cohabit like village people with all the shared bathrooms,toilets,community living, common kitchen, meeting place,etc & do the cattle class living so that takes care of the Rural part of the MNREGA.

Such precision planning with detailed statistics and employment guarantees is the brainchild of the hon-her-able Deputy Chairman of India’s Planning Commission Shri. Montek Singh Ahluwalia.

Monty’s swansong must be appreciated, to understand the statements of the Bigg Boss contestants, one must therefore apply an advanced version of MONTYNALYSIS and marvel at the wonder that is the MNREGA:

Amitabh Bachchan: “One By One the Real Faces of the Contestants Will Emerge”

Montynalysis: I’m being called A Pop Philosopher. You Know You Can Call Me Anything For That Matter:Pop Psychologist, Pop Singer, Pop Corn Eater, Flower Lover, Shit Boy, Dickhead, Vase Licker, Doll Presser, Soap Extractor, Research Fellow, Swine Flu Expert, Mulayam Singh’s Best Friend, The Ghost Of Michael Jackson, Japanese Currency, Whale Plaque Remover, Octopus Cleaner, Roadkill Wrestler, Pillow Case Changer, Hat Wearer, Ambassador For Himani Navratan Hair Oil, Synchronized Diver, Andhra Pradesh Flood Victim. I’m Bloody the President of the United States for All You Care.

All you need to know is this, I’m BEING PAID 2.25 Crore rupees per episode of Bigg Boss to deal with 11 or 12 or 13 or 17 nutcases depending on the TRP’s so FU*K OFF!

Sherlyn Chopra: “The World Is Like a Candle Waiting To Melt”

Montynalysis 1: wow! That is so intense. I can’t believe I just said that. I bet you saw the pool in the Bigg Boss house. That’s my territory. I just can’t wait to show everyone my brand new bikini and my new improved silicon containment system.

Montynalysis 2 : Ahem…Cough….Mammary Glands, Thin Waist, Zero Size Figure….Cough…

Ismail Durbar: “What a Great House!”

Montynalysis: Look ,there’s only a limited number of times I can judge song based reality shows. I‘ve gotten bored of pesky oversmart children who annoy me with their ‘uncle, uncle’ chants on Sa Re Ga Ma Pa .

Bigg Boss is an interesting career move for me and an excellent chance to check out the latest silicon containment system in action.

Aditi Govitrikar: “I Won The Original Khatron Ke Khiladi.”

Montynalysis: So I’m over 30. At My Age Fashion Designers Want Younger Models So Bigg Boss Is A Great Adventure.

Tanaaz And Bakhtiyaar Irani: “We Are Very Sad To Leave Our Baby Behind While We’re Away In The Big Boss House.”

Montynalysis:You’ve seen us together in the ‘Unwanted 72’ advertisement for contraception pills.

Now you’ve seen our baby. We can only say that you people should sue us for endorsing a false product.

Obviously the 'Unwanted 72' emergency contraceptive pill does not work.Bloody false advertisements. We mean look at our baby.

Kamaal R Khan/KRK: “Very happy to be in Bigg Boss.”

Montynalysis: KRK BITCH, KRK.

Claudia Ciesla: “I Love India”

Montynalysis: I love India, I love Indian culture, I love Indian people, I love Indian food and now I have to use Indian toilet. I love India, I love India.

Raju Shrivastav: “I’ll try to make people laugh inside the Bigg Boss house.”

Montynalysis: With Dr.Dr.Sri.Sri Rakesh Jhunjhunwala’s market moving techniques I might actually win this thing.

Vindu Dara Singh: “I Want To Step Out Of My Father’s Shadow.”

Montynalysis: OK NOW SERIOUSLY, WHO THE FU#K IS THIS GUY.

Poonam Dhillon: “I am so happy to see you Amitji”

Montynalysis:I hope at least now that the transition into mother/Maa roles becomes much more smoother after my Bigg Boss stint.

Jaya Sawant: “This Is My First Time On Stage.”

Montynalysis: If Rakhi thinks she’s the biggest bitch on TV she is so wrong. I’m the bitch who gave birth to that bitch, I’m a full on hardcore old school bitch. Where do you think she gets her bitching skills from? Swayamwar my ass!

Rohit Verma: “Should I stay In the Men’s Room or the Women’s Room?”

Montynalysis: Don’t make fun of a dude who dresses like a girl. Respect creative freedom, individuality, human rights etc.

Shamita Shetty: “My Sister Won Big Brother UK”

Montynalysis: 8 years in the film industry, zero hits .When do I get to shut up and bounce, I too want to shut up and bounce. Can’t you understand that? Instead I’m still in the Mmm...Mmm…Mind Blowing Mahiya Stage.Check out all the foreign chicks dancing behind me wondering WTF is going on?WOW what an awesome song…. Mmm...Mmm…Mind Blowing….

BIG BOSS OR BIGG BOSS OR BIGGG BOSS OR BIGGGG BOSS.THE BIGGEST BOSS IS RIGHT HERE.

Montynalysis:Bow Down To The King.Enough said.

Now You Understand The MILKY Way

Opinions are what people do to you when you talk to them. If you do it on TV you’re called an ‘EXPERT’, if you do it in the newspaper ‘A Columnist’ and if you do it in the BJP you are called a ‘Yashwant Sinha’.

Over the past few days people have heard things. When they heard these things they opinionated and created a truer picture of the Milky Way galaxy. Too bad they didn’t get paid to do it.

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On hearing that the Bandra Worli Sea Link has been completed:

A Lashkar- E- Toiba terrorist opined: “WOW it’s wonderful, I knew that Shivraj Patil would come through on his promise. Thanks to his efforts the Congress has completed the Sea Link.

Now ,hard working Lashkar Mujahideen can save 35 minutes while travelling from Bandra to Worli to blow things up.

We will now use the Sea Link to blow up Bandra or Worli or the Sea Link itself or all three and save 40 minutes doing so. There is a problem with the toll fee but thanks to the ISI’s help in printing fake currency our toll arrangements are also taken care of. Long live Shivraj Patil.Jai Maharashtra!”

On hearing that the government is thinking of scrapping section 377 of the IPC:

One gay man said this on 28 June:

“Veerappa Moily is the new gay icon of India!!He’s so sexy with his paunch and bulbous nose!!! His white hair so beautifully almost covers his iconic bald spot!!!!!!!!!We the gays want to show our appreciation by launching our own brand of Veerappa Moily merchandise including the ‘I love Veerappa Moily!!!!!!!!!’ t-shirts, hats ,water bottles and cricket bats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The same gay man said this on 29 June, when Moily wanted to reconsider the scrapping:

“Veerappa Moily has really made me sad!!!If I was not gay I’d probably beat him up but as a proud gay man I won’t resort to violence!!!!I’ll just tell Karan Johar and he’ll make a film about Veerappa Moily and his internal struggle with section 377!!!!!!!!!!!!That’ll really hurt his feelings and the gays will be exhilarated!!!!!!!!!!!!You got that darling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Retired justice Liberhan on the Babri Masjid demolition report:

“See I’m an old man. I know that it’s only 700 pages but it has taken 17 years to get this done because I personally wrote one page a day.

That took only two years but for the remaining fifteen years I was checking and rechecking the document to see if there were any spelling mistakes. That’s why it’s taken 17 years.

In the middle I was on leave because I got chicken pox and recently I couldn’t get it done because I was nurturing my dream of playing for the Indian men’s Volleyball team”

“Come to think of it, I did manage to stretch this two month assignment to seventeen years and also got paid for seventeen years. Wow! I’m a genius. I wonder if Rakeshji Jhunjhunwalaji will help me invest all the money I’ve earned in the past 17 years.”

Montek Singh Ahluwalia on what comes after number 1293983:

Before applying Montynalysis : “The economy’s demand has shown a divulgatory roadmap for global expansion through what we believe will be India’s example of inclusive activising that has resulted from the global consciousness of inflatory methods. ”

After applying Montynalysis “I suck ass. Did anyone just understand all that I just said? ”

Sonia Gandhi after inaugurating the Bandra Worli Sea Link:

“Bloody hell, I can’t believe I came all the way by plane from Delhi to cut a stupid ribbon. Its worse that I had to stand next to Ashok Chavan, Sushil Shinde, Vilasrao Deshmukh and Bulldog Face Chhagan.”

One of them even FARTED. I think it was Vilasrao.”

Product Testing And Subtexting

As the official brand ambassador of Telebrands, yours truly is often required to test their newest products.

Their latest product is called the Telebrands SUBTEXTER™ and I’ve been trying it out on all these guys.

Prime Minister, Dr Manmohan Singh: “We have the capacity and ability to sustain the growth rate of about eight per cent and will do so.”

Subtext: It’s amazing how I have a degree in Economics from Cambridge University but can still continue to say that we can grow at 8% despite the worst economic crisis in a century. I only have to keep saying this till the ELECTION, after that it’s someone else’s problem.

LK Advani: “The government's flawed policies led to high inflation.”

Subtext: Let me see now. I blamed the UPA government for:

1. The Nuclear Deal.

2. The terrorist attacks (both in India and planet Neptune).

3. Cash for votes scam.

4. Kandhamal violence.

5. Every single flyover collapse this past decade.

6. Crash of the Sensex in 2008.

7. Somali pirates.

8. Barack Obama becoming US president.

9. Habibul Bashar and the Bangladesh team joining the ICL.

10. Congo Pirates.

11. Lalu Yadav using hair gel on my birthday.

12. Katrina Kaif still using a dubbing artist to speak Hindi in her films.

13. Banning the film ‘Deshdrohi’.

14. etc.

I‘ve got to find newer things to blame the government or else I’ll never be PM.

CB Bhave, Chairman SEBI: "There is no evidence so far that any Bear cartel is operating or there is any kind of manipulation in the markets."

Subtext: I learnt a new word called CARTEL after the Telecom Minister also said the CARTEL was behind the 60,000 Crore rupees spectrum scam.

Vijay Mallya: “I do not run Kingfisher Airlines through media.”

Subtext: Ooh Laa Laa Laa Lala Looeye Oh,Oo Laa Laa Laa Laa Laa Ley Oh.

Montek Singh Ahluwalia: "Let me assure you that inflation is coming down and in recessionary circumstances, industry will automatically soften prices."

Subtext: That’s the 9 millionth time I’ve said something stupid but I know I’ll get away with it. I can always say I was quoted out of context if someone brings this up.

CPM General Secretary Prakash Karat: "They will pay for their misdeeds and people will vote them out of power. What we need to see is that no communal party sits in the chair. We are confident of a good performance"

Subtext: Okay listen, how come none of the news channels are talking about me ever since the Nuclear Deal-Confidence Vote fiasco ended? I feel so used.

Karan Johar :"It's fun and new. We've made sure not to offend any group or community. I'd never make a film that would offend anybody. Dostana has a great look and it's a clean happy watch"

Subtext: I’ve just taken my secret gay existence to a whole new level. I made a film where one of the heroes is married to Aishwarya Rai and the other is engaged to Bipasha Basu.That’s two guys involved with the two hottest chicks in the country and I still show them as gay people in my film. How many more clues do people actually need to realize I too am gay? Should I start wearing a sari now?

Praveen Togadia: “I do not know Pragya Singh at all. But I know she is not a terrorist.”

Subtext: Only Muslims are terrorists, especially the converted Muslims like Mikaeel Jackson.