Saturday, November 22, 2008

Product Testing And Subtexting

As the official brand ambassador of Telebrands, yours truly is often required to test their newest products.

Their latest product is called the Telebrands SUBTEXTER™ and I’ve been trying it out on all these guys.

Prime Minister, Dr Manmohan Singh: “We have the capacity and ability to sustain the growth rate of about eight per cent and will do so.”

Subtext: It’s amazing how I have a degree in Economics from Cambridge University but can still continue to say that we can grow at 8% despite the worst economic crisis in a century. I only have to keep saying this till the ELECTION, after that it’s someone else’s problem.

LK Advani: “The government's flawed policies led to high inflation.”

Subtext: Let me see now. I blamed the UPA government for:

1. The Nuclear Deal.

2. The terrorist attacks (both in India and planet Neptune).

3. Cash for votes scam.

4. Kandhamal violence.

5. Every single flyover collapse this past decade.

6. Crash of the Sensex in 2008.

7. Somali pirates.

8. Barack Obama becoming US president.

9. Habibul Bashar and the Bangladesh team joining the ICL.

10. Congo Pirates.

11. Lalu Yadav using hair gel on my birthday.

12. Katrina Kaif still using a dubbing artist to speak Hindi in her films.

13. Banning the film ‘Deshdrohi’.

14. etc.

I‘ve got to find newer things to blame the government or else I’ll never be PM.

CB Bhave, Chairman SEBI: "There is no evidence so far that any Bear cartel is operating or there is any kind of manipulation in the markets."

Subtext: I learnt a new word called CARTEL after the Telecom Minister also said the CARTEL was behind the 60,000 Crore rupees spectrum scam.

Vijay Mallya: “I do not run Kingfisher Airlines through media.”

Subtext: Ooh Laa Laa Laa Lala Looeye Oh,Oo Laa Laa Laa Laa Laa Ley Oh.

Montek Singh Ahluwalia: "Let me assure you that inflation is coming down and in recessionary circumstances, industry will automatically soften prices."

Subtext: That’s the 9 millionth time I’ve said something stupid but I know I’ll get away with it. I can always say I was quoted out of context if someone brings this up.

CPM General Secretary Prakash Karat: "They will pay for their misdeeds and people will vote them out of power. What we need to see is that no communal party sits in the chair. We are confident of a good performance"

Subtext: Okay listen, how come none of the news channels are talking about me ever since the Nuclear Deal-Confidence Vote fiasco ended? I feel so used.

Karan Johar :"It's fun and new. We've made sure not to offend any group or community. I'd never make a film that would offend anybody. Dostana has a great look and it's a clean happy watch"

Subtext: I’ve just taken my secret gay existence to a whole new level. I made a film where one of the heroes is married to Aishwarya Rai and the other is engaged to Bipasha Basu.That’s two guys involved with the two hottest chicks in the country and I still show them as gay people in my film. How many more clues do people actually need to realize I too am gay? Should I start wearing a sari now?

Praveen Togadia: “I do not know Pragya Singh at all. But I know she is not a terrorist.”

Subtext: Only Muslims are terrorists, especially the converted Muslims like Mikaeel Jackson.

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