Sunday, November 2, 2008

Ekta Kapoor's Alien Fatwa

I was busy preparing for the weekend. I had a nice bubble bath with extra bubbles and then performed Ganesh Puja.As I sat down to watch TV, the doorbell rang and someone entered. It was Hutchinson.D.Pug a.k.a the CEO of Vodafone.

"Me: So, what’s up dog?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: I’m being attacked by ALIENS.

Me: Aliens!

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Yes Aliens.

Me: What are you talking about?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: A few weeks ago, I was approached by Ekta Kapoor from Balaji Telefilms. She wanted me to act in Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi (KSBKBT) but I refused. Since then she’s been thirsting for revenge. She’s put out a FATWA against me.

Me: Why did she want you to act in KSBKBT?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Duh! Because I’m so cute and fuzzy. Star Plus wanted Ekta to do something to increase the ratings of her show. Therefore she asked me to star in KSBKBT and I refused citing ‘Date Problems’. After seeing the ratings of KSBKBT continuing to fall; Star Plus decided to cancel the show. Ekta wants revenge. She feels that it was because of me that KSBKBT was cancelled.

Me: So what’s the deal with Aliens?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Aliens throughout the universe love KSBKBT.For us it may be a fantasy soap opera but for the Aliens it’s a documentary detailing the aspects of their own lives.

Aliens age at the same rate that Ekta’s characters age in KSBKBT.They can go from being 20 to 40 in twenty seconds flat and from 40 to 60 in 30 seconds flat.

Each time 1 Alien slaps another, that slap is automatically instant replayed by the Alien planet 45 times. The very centre of gravity of that planet changes every time one Alien slaps another Alien similar to how the camera angles change when a slap occurs on KSBKBT.

The Aliens ask their medical students to study plastic surgery techniques from KSBKBT. No doctor in this universe has achieved proficiency in plastic surgery as the doctors from the University of Balaji Telefims.Only they can change the complete form and shape of a human being into a completely new person with a new voice, a new waistline, a new everything.

Alien doctors also learn how to cure long term and short term amnesia by watching the doctors of KSBKBT cure the frequent amnesia attacks that conveniently strike actors of KSBKBT.

Everytime an Alien feels sad; there is an orchestra behind the Alien to supply crappy background music.

Aliens suffer from conjunctivitis and cry just like Tulsi from KSBKBT.Tears collected on the Alien planet are used as manure to grow Alien crops.

But the Aliens are simply pissed that they’ll no longer be able to see their favorite actor on TV anymore. An actor from their own solar system.

Me: You mean, there’s an Alien who’s currently acting in KSBKBT.

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Yes and it’s that old hag called Baa.Only Aliens can live for as long as she has.

Baa has lived for Three Million Years. She was born even before the dinosaurs. In fact she might have even caused their extinction.

Me: Hmmm.

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Because of this, the Aliens have accepted Ekta’s fatwa and are trying to assassinate me. They simply love Baa.They even have T-shirts saying ‘I love baa’.

Me: When did you learn of all this?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: About a month ago.

Me: Why the bloody hell are you telling me only now?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Because I was busy shooting in South Africa for the newest ads of Vodafone mobile. I worked with a great director. I shot 3 ads. In the first one I stood outside a tent. In the second I carried shoes in my mouth and in the third I carried a towel in my mouth.

But that girl to whom I gave the shoes and the towel is ungrateful. I gave those things to her and she didn’t even say 'THANK YOU'.

Me: So how will you deal with this fatwa problem?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Nobody messes with Hutchinson.D.Pug and gets away with it. If the Aliens think that they’ll get me they’re wrong. The first thing I’m going to do is to find that old hag Baa and Ekta Kapoor.I’ll electrocute them both with a TASER.The electricity will flow through their veins and they’ll end up looking like an ad for power generation.

As far as the Aliens are concerned, they don’t know this but I’ll take help to defeat them from my brother.

Me: You have a brother?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Yes, his name is Frank.D.Pug and he works for a top secret international governmental organization.

Me: So what, how will that help?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: It’s not just any organization. It’s THE organization set up solely to hunt and kill Aliens. Its members have no names, no identities. They dress in black and they’ve been protecting the earth from the scum of the universe for ages.

Me: You don’t mean….

Hutchinson.D.Pug: I definitely do, they are the Men in Black.”

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