Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Gas, Gas, Gas -They’ll Do Anything For Gas, A Six Part Story

Let me tell you a story.

Note: All the characters in this story are fictional and bear no resemblance to any events, places or characters either living, dead or hanging around as ghosts. Any such occurrences are merely co-incidental. This note is very important and has the same bearing and validity as similar statements like “Mutual Funds Are Subject To Market Risks. Please Read Offer Document Carefully Before Investing.”

Part - I

Once upon a time in a country far far away, there lived a man called Dheer.He wanted to be rich but didn’t know how. At that time the stock exchange in his country was not yet established and he did not possess the market trading skills of the greatest investor in the world -a man called Keshra Walanujhnujh

So he tried to find other ways of making money. He sold mud. He sold clothes, he sold hardware and software. He even sold land, vegetables and silk. But he was never able to make any money.

One day as Dheer was walking alone at night. He saw, smelt and heard something that would change his life forever.

He had a Buddha Moment; he was enlightened and attained another level of intelligence. Even today in his country this Moment is known as ‘The Great Awakening Moment of Dheer’ and is the basic philosophy of the religion called RELIANCISM.

Dheer had seen a big man come out of a restaurant. This man had let something out from his tailpipe. It smelt….soon Dheer realized that this produce was made by every single human being in the world.

Slowly he started to sell it. Over time he became successful. So successful that he became super rich. By that time his country had changed. There was a stock exchange in many cities. Dheer listed his company on the GOMBAY STOCK EXCHANGE. His company was called PEALIANCE.

Keshra Walanujhnujh invested in Pealiance and became very rich. He even started to write something called “The Covert Record Of Events Of Keshra Walanujhnujh: I Always Had The Knowledge That I Was Going To Be Valuably Wealthy. At No Point Was I Uncertain about It Even For One Sixtieth of a Time span Comprised of Three Thousand Six Hundred Seconds.

Keshra put up a picture of himself on his blog and wrote under that “The Place Where Goods And Services Are Bought And Sold For A Mutually Agreed Upon Sum Of Money Is The Place Where I Am Worshipped And Given Offerings .I Am It’s Supreme Being, Knower And Omnipotent Ruler. Are There Any Embodiments Of Some Sort Of Consciousness That Possess The Desire To Enter Into A Tangible Union Resulting In A Relationship That Would Indicate An Associative Confederation?”

Dheer grew old and died. But in his lifetime he had fathered two male children called Nila and Keshmu .Dheer’s wife was called Tranquila Ben. Together they were called the INAMBA family.

As soon as Dheer died his body was destroyed and his family chilled out for some time.

Part -II

Deep in the Bay Of Tengal, Dheer had discovered that whenever someone in his country delivered a vaporous produce from his tailpipe it was stored in a basin formed between the rivers Trishna and Lodavari. But since he had died he couldn’t sell the vaporous produce called GAS to other parts of the world.

Both Nila and Keshmu wanted to be the absolute boss of the Pealiance group. They bickered and fought. Then they fought and bickered. They argued and called each other names and hurled each other with abuses. In between they took a break and drank SEPSI.SEPSI was the official sponsor of the Inamba family fight. Then they continued to argue, bicker, fight and abuse each other.

Tranquila Ben was disgusted. She called the both of them and said “You guys piss me off, I’ve always been tranquil my whole life. I don’t like fighting. So here’s how we’ll decide this. Both of you pick the companies from the Pealiance Empire you want and give the useless loser companies to your sisters. Now get the shit out of my house and take your stupid wives and children with you. I don’t need this at my age so just leave me the (f word) alone. ”

Nobody at this point knew about Dheer’s secret about the gas in the Bay Of Tengal and thought it was just some myth. So Nila and Keshmu signed a Memorandum Of Misunderstanding (MoM) in which it was stated that if the Pealiance company, now with Keshmu would ever find gas in the Trishna-Lodavari basin then Keshmu would give some gas to Nila at a lesser price. Nila signed the MoM with Keshmu because no one in their wildest dreams actually thought that they would find gas in the Trishna-Lodavari basin.

Suddenly One day …..

A Pealiance employee heard something in the basin. It sounded like a big fart. He drilled near the sound and lo and behold he had found gas.

Keshmu called some scientists.

They checked out the gas and smelt it .They said “Yeah, That’s The Stuff. It’s 100% Gas”.Keshmu asked “How Did This Happen?” The scientists said “The Country’s Population Has Now Crossed One Billion. Everyone Is Producing and Reproducing. All the Tailpipe Produce Is Getting Trapped Here. The Basin Can No Longer Contain It, It’s starting To Overflow.

Keshmu said “Oh Damn, I Need to Put This Stuff in Bottles and Cylinders and Sell It. Nobody Tell Nila”

Part –III

Keshmu bought a cricket team called Gumbai Tindians

Nila hung out with Tamar Tingh and bought Treamworks.

Part –IV

Nila smelt the gas. He called a detective and said “Do You Smell What Keshmu is cooking?”

The detective disappeared. After 3 days he returned and said “Your Brother Has Found Gas. He’s had it for Quite Some Time. He’s putting it In Bottles”

Nila told his pilot to get the helicopter ready. Immediately the pilot came back running. He said “Sir, There Are Stones in Your Gearbox. Someone’s trying to kill you and me.”

Nila said “I know who.”

He wore a Rupa Baniyan and Knickers and ran to Keshmu’s house and confronted Keshmu.

“You Bastard ,You Tried To Kill Me And You Found Gas In The Basin, Now I Want It, Give Me My Gas You Son Of A …....Wait ,If I Complete The Sentence You And I Would Have The Same Mother. Anyway Give Me My Gas. It’s My Gas and You Know It”

Keshmu replied “I didn’t want to kill you. Didn’t You Read The Entry In ‘The Covert Record Of Events Of Keshra Walanujhnujh: I Always Had The Knowledge That I Was Going To Be Valuably Wealthy. At No Point Was I Uncertain About It Even For One Sixtieth Of A Time Span Comprised Of Three Thousand Six Hundred Seconds’ in Which it is mentioned very clearly that the stones in the gearbox was caused by evaporation

Nila said “Yeah you’re Right, Now Give Me My Gas And I Want It Fresh from the Basin. Not Some Second Hand Stuff From A Tube.”

Keshmu replied “Oh Hell No! It’s My Gas and Mine Alone. I’m keeping it.”

Nila said “Fine Then, I’ll Sue YOUR Ass for MY Gas”

Keshmu said “You Always Want Whatever I Want, You Even Married A Woman Whose Name Is Made Of The same Letters as In My Wife’s Name. When I Married Tani, You Got Jealous And Immediately Married Nati.Now I Have Basin Gas And You Want The Same Gas. What’s up with you?”

Nila replied “Screw You Asshole, Give Me My Gas and For the Record My Wife Is Way Hotter Than Your Wife. Your Wife On The Other Hand Is Responsible For the Loss of the Gumbai Tindians in the T20 Cricket League Headed By Talit Todi”

Keshmu immediately said “Grrrr****Don’t Say Anything about My Wife”

Nila said “Well At Least When My Wife Gets a Plane She Gets a Customs Duty Exemption. Your Wife’s Plane is still stuck At the Airport Because You Didn’t Pay the Customs Duty. Ha, Ha, Ha!”

Keshmu shuddered “You’re only worth 13 Billion Dollars but My Net Worth is 19 Billion Dollars. You’re A Real Loser.That's why Dad always loved me more than you.”

Nila screamed “I Will Have My Gas You Bastard! If I Have To Steal It From Your Basin I Will. I’ll put My Own Hand in it and Pull it out. No one can deny Me My Gas.”

Nila then ran back to his office and called up Keshra Walanujhnujh and told him to support him in the fight for gas.

Keshra said that he had received a similar phone call from Nila’s brother and he wouldn’t take sides because he respected their dad too much to pick one son of his over another.

Then Nila called in his secretary and said “Get Me Maar Rethmalani. It’s War from Now”


Maar Rethmalani appeared and Nila said “Rethmalani, go to court and sue my brother’s ass for gas. Maar Usko Rethmalani, Maar”

Rethmalani sued Keshmu and won the case. Now Nila had the gas from the basin he always wanted. He partied all night and smelt the gas and even helped to increase it by letting some from his own tailpipe.

Meanwhile Keshmu was planning a counterattack. He revealed his secret weapon. None other than Minister Durli Meora.

He told his lawyer Sarish Malve to appeal Nila’s victory in the Supreme Court.

Part –VI

Armed with Durli Meora, Keshmu walked into the Supreme Court. Durli started to discourse the Judge.

He said “Listen Judge. The Gas In The Basin Is National Property. Everybody Has a Right to Enjoy the Gas.The Entire Country Ate and Supplied from Backside to Keshmu’s Basin, So They Should All Be Entitled to the privilege of using it.”

The Judge said “How come you’re thinking of this only now. Wasn’t it the country’s gas when Keshmu was fighting Nila in the lower courts?”

Durli was surprised. He said he needed time and the court adjourned the case to the first of the month that comes after August.

Keshmu and Nila are still thinking how they can win the battle for the basin gas.

Moral of the story:

· Keshra Walanujhnujh invested in both companies of Nila and Keshmu.

· He bought some stock for long tem benefit and some for short term trades.

· Because of the court matter one company’s value would go up if its owner gained even a slight upperhand. Keshra sold that stock when its value peaked.

· Simultaneously the other company’s value would go down and he short-sold that stock. That way he made some more money.

· He made a lot of money from both Nila and Keshmu’s companies thus proving his loyalty to their father. He never chose one over the other. He believed in both of them and their fight for gas and knew that when billionaires fight for anything even if it’s something as dumb as gas, there is always an opportunity in that country’s stock exchange to make money from the market reaction.

Keshra Is Awesome.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...