Sunday, May 31, 2009

That’s Not What FART MONKEY Said

One of my closest friends is a primate named FART MONKEY.FART MONKEY is among the most enraged creatures on the Planet. He was born with a severe anger management problem.

Sometimes people stand in front of Fart Monkey and try to convince him of their greatness but Fart Monkey doesn’t care. Many people have been told not to mess with fart Monkey but they don’t listen. Some people were stupid enough to get in the way of Fart Monkey and they suffered the consequences.

General Warning –Fart Monkey uses a lot of bad language. If you have a problem with Fart Monkey using fowl language then please feel free to write a letter to me and I will make sure to have that letter burnt.


When Shashi Tharoor said:

“India's place in the world is of great importance. India is a country which for the longest period of time, since the days of Jawaharlal Nehru, has had an honored place in the world ......And I wish to make my own contribution for strengthening. I am very happy to be here. This is a ministry that I have had very very good, constructive and positive dealings with for many many years and to be part of this is a real privilege. I have not had any chance to be briefed on anything. I need to learn before I speak.”

Fart Monkey Said:

#1 Who the FU*K are you? Fart Monkey has never heard of you before.

#2 Maybe you forgot the question DICKHEAD.It was ‘What Is Your Name?’ and I thought P.Chidambaram was the only one who could speak like this.


When Danny Boyle said:

"When we saw the news stories that the kids' homes had been demolished it was of course a huge concern to us.”

Fart Monkey Said:

Okay listen ASSHOLE; we’ve put up with enough of your bullshit over the past six months. Nobody cares about you or your stupid film anymore. Pack your bags and take a hike or else I’m gonna have to call the RIOTICIANS to break your bones on the charges of being an outsider.

When that happens maybe I’ll make a movie titled ‘Slumdog Millionaire Part 2 :How Danny Boyle Got His Punk Ass Whipped By The Maharashtra Navnirman Sena For Unnecessarily Entering The Country And Pissing Fart Monkey Off Too Many Damn Times’


When Kavya Shivashankar Said:

“When I was the last one left, I thought I had a chance to win, but I didn’t think about (winning) until then,” I had focused on one word at a time.”

Fart Monkey started this conversation:

Fart Monkey doesn’t consider SPELLING to be a sport but apparently you do which is why you’re talking like MS Dhoni after winning a match.

Kavya Shivashankar: But spelling is a sport!!

Fart Monkey: No it’s not. A sport has to involve the use of balls. Spelling has no BALLS but Cricket, Football, Basketball and Baseball all have BALLS.

A sport without balls is like not asking Prahlad Kakkar what he thinks about sports without balls.

Kavya Shivashankar: This is an insult!!

Fart Monkey : Okay let me test you. Can you spell KING?

Kavya Shivashankar: Of course .K-I-N-G

Fart Monkey: WRONG, see I knew you were no good. King is spelt as K-I-N-N-G.

Kavya Shivashankar: No it’s not! How ridiculous!

Fart Monkey: Stupid girl, you should be hanged and burnt like the witches in medieval Europe. Why don’t you just look at a poster of SINGH IS KINNG?

Kavya Shivashankar: Test me again. Please.

Fart Monkey: Okay, spell KEY.

Kavya Shivashankar: K-E-Y

Fart Monkey: Wrong again.

Kavya Shivashankar: That’s impossible. Key is spelt as K-E-Y the world over. How can it be anything else?

Fart Monkey: Key is spelt in India with many K’s like this KKKKKKKKKKKKKK-E-Y.


Fart Monkey: Which dictionary?

Kavya Shivashankar: Any dictionary.

Fart Monkey: Wrong again, Ekkkkta kkkapoor’s dictionary spells it like this only and that’s the correct way.

Kavya Shivashankar: Please let me try again.

Fart Monkey: OK ,spell KHOPDI.

Kavya Shivashankar: What’s a KHOPDI? Is it even English?

Fart Monkey: Yes it’s a Hindi film with an English title.

Kavya Shivashankar: I’m sorry I can’t.

Fart Monkey: Ok, spell QATIL CHUDAIL,

Kavya Shivashankar: What is that?

Fart Monkey: It’s a true story of a murderous CHUDAIL captured on film by Kanti Shah.

Kavya Shivashankar: Okay here I go-


Fart Monkey: Wrong again,

It’s Q-A-T-I-L -C-H-U-D-A-I-L

Kavya Shivashankar: Oh man, Indian spellings are difficult.

Fart Monkey: Yes that’s why your over eager parents took you to the US. Anyone can spell anything there. In India you wouldn’t even get past the qualifier in a Spelling Bee.

Kavya Shivashankar: Come on, give me one last chance.

Fart Monkey: Okay spell ROOHANI TAAQAT.

Kavya Shivashankar: That’s easy.R-O-O-H-A-N-I-T-A-A-Q-A-T.

Fart Monkey: Wrong again stupid girl.

Kavya Shivashankar: What? I’m 100 % sure that’s how you spell ROOHANI TAAQAT.

Fart Monkey: No you forgot to add the two skulls in between.

Kavya Shivashankar: I’ll go and cry in my room now.

Fart Monkey: Yes, get lost and in case I’m not there the next time to remind you how stupid you are just imagine me pointing a finger at you and laughing till you burst out in pangs of humiliation and embarrassment.

Kavya Shivashankar: Okay, Sob, Sob.


When Baljinder Singh Said:

"My advice to every Indian student now who wants to come to Australia is, please don't come and there's no life here. I was very scared to see the knives. They asked me if I had any money. I told them to hang on, as I looked for my purse in my bag which was very messy... In first five seconds, one of the guys stabbed me in my stomach. I just fell down on the floor"

Fart Monkey Said: Now did you by any chance use the word ‘Monkey’ even though you actually said ‘MAA KI’ because Australians especially cricketers get worked up over things like this.


When Imran Mirza Said:

"This is to confirm that Sania Mirza is engaged to Mr. Muhammad Sohrab Mirza, whose family hails from the city of Hyderabad. Although not related, the two families have had friendly ties for several decades. It has also been wrongly projected that Sania is contemplating early retirement from tennis. These reports are absolutely untrue,"

Fart Monkey Said: Oh good for you. Now the rest of the country has to continue putting up with your dumb as dog shit daughter losing every single tennis match for as long as she decides not to play anymore.


When Ashwani Gujral Said:

“Alok Industries is sort of a textile/capital raising type of play. Here you could have Rs 17.5 stop loss and if it can maintain above Rs 20, you could see levels of about Rs 30 coming in here”

Fart Monkey Said: A hormonally charged rabbit such as yourself should be immediately arrested for impersonating a technical analyst. If I wanted to lose money by investing in stocks I’d come to you but as a Fart Monkey I want to make money by investing in stocks that’s why I choose Rakeshji Jhunjhunwalaji and not your loss making ‘advice’ on CNBC.


When Bhavna Mukhopadhaya Said:

“The pictorial warnings are a big breakthrough. They will help in sensitizing people about tobacco hazards and new tobacco consumers will think twice before taking these products”

Fart Monkey Said: So you’re actually telling me that by putting a picture on a cigarette packet people will from now on actually give a shit about their health? Wow! It’s a revelation .Where were you for so long?


When A BJP Party Functionary Said:

“Varun factor polarized Muslim in favor of Congress but due to double standard taken by the party, Hindus remained confused and eventually voted on caste lines”

Fart Monkey Said: Kill the Fu*kin central leadership right now. How dare they confuse the Hindus. THE BASTARDS.


When Robert Gates said:

“We will not stand idly by as North Korea builds the capability to wreak destruction on any target in Asia – or on us, They create a crisis, and the rest of us pay the price to return to the status quo ante. As the expression goes in the U.S., I'm tired of buying the same horse twice. There are other ways perhaps to get the North Koreans to change their approach. I think this notion that we buy our way back to the status quo ante is an approach that I personally at least think we ought to think very hard about”

Fart Monkey telephoned Kim Jong IL, King of North Korea:

Kim Jong IL: wazzupp, Its Kim.

Fart Monkey: Hey dude its Fart Monkey. Robert Gates just said something about horses used a phrase called ‘status quo ante’ and buying his way back.

Kim Jong: What is he talking about?

Fart Monkey: Nuclear weapons I think.

Kim Jong: Tell him to leave my horses alone. Also tell him that I don’t care and that he can go FU*K

Fart Monkey is now on his way to meet Robert Gates and deliver the message to Kim personally.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

What About Them?

What a farce! The Congress party has absolutely no regard for the people of this country. They’ve made the wrong people ministers in the cabinet. Even if the right people are there, they’re doing the wrong jobs. So much for good governance.

These are the people who should be in the cabinet being the ministers they should be:

The Honorable Professor Arindam Chaudhuri as Finance Minister:

Abilities: Expert chicken counter as illustrated in his book ‘Chicken Counting before Chickens Hatch’.

Master filmmaker, will theatrically represent important government policy like the budget and the five year plans in movie format as last seen in a film he wrote, produced and directed.


Featuring Sunny Deol as ‘Renegade Roadie Biker’ :

This Dude:

Girl from the film in which Pappu cannot dance with SALAA:

Voter Appeal: Arindam Chaudhuri has a ponytail which is usually found at the beginning of a pony’s ass. His ponytail is rebellious thus influencing the urban vote bank as urban people think that he’s metrosexual.

On the other hand he maintains his ponytail with the use of castor oil. A product made from castor seeds which are grown in rural farmlands. Thus his ability to integrate a rural product like castor oil with an urban product like a ponytail makes him an obvious voter favorite.

Obvious Question: Does he know anything about Finance?

Ans: Yes, he’s from IIPM which according to IIPM is better than every institute which is not IIPM.

Minister for Family Affairs: Dr.Calendar MK Karunanidhi.

Abilities: Usually called ‘Kalaignar’ in Tamil but pronounced as CALENDAR. Ability to be the only Octogenarian in the country who is still sexy by virtue of his black goggles.

Young face of the UPA, able to attend party meetings in the new ultra radical wheel chair model ‘Wheel master 6000 with Hyper Surround sound system™ ’.

Suited for the ministry because:

He knows the value of family better than anyone else. Why else has he made son #2 from wife #2 the head of the DMK?

He also loves son#1 from wife #2 which is why he wants to make him a Cabinet Minister.

For some time son #1 from wife #2 was sad, he acted in a few Hindi films. He bravely portrayed his own mental trauma as a child as illustrated in his inspirational performance as ‘TINKU’ in ‘GOPI KISHAN’.

For further assistance please watch this video which reconstructs the pain of being MK Azhagiri.

(Note :The complete mental agony of the child can be felt only if you replace the words ‘Baap’ and ‘Daddy’ with the word ‘MAA’)

Women are important family members which is why daughter #1 from wife #3 is also about to become a Cabinet Minister.

Calendar also wants nephew to become minister. It’s a family affair!

Minister Of Defence: Didi Mamata Banerjee.

Abilities: India’s most well developed weapon system. In case of war all you have to do is say ‘Nano’ in its ear and it will explode at the enemy.

Voter appeal: Come On! She’s Anti Communist.

Obvious Question:Where did you find a photo of Mamata Banerjee smiling?

Ans:It was captured by Alien Technology in 1976.

Anbumani Ramadoss, Health Minister.

Oh shit, now who’s going to tell Shah Rukh Khan to stop smoking?

Shri. HD Deve Gowda, Minister for recreation and rest.

Abilities: would any day kick Barack Obama’s ass in an election. Yes he can.

Ability to take rest while boring speeches in parliament are going on.

Minister for Women’s Rights, Shrimati Rakhi Sawant.

Would suit the job especially after the launch of her civil rights movement against the forcible kissing of women by Daler Mehendi’s brother.

I hope somebody does something about these people. Their rights have been ignored.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

See What Happens When I Get Rid Of The Communists!

Those who’re reading this entry in my journal(including Shankar Sharma)are probably telling themselves that this is going to be yet another discourse on how Shri.Rakesh Jhunjhunwala singlehandedly sunk the communists,delivered a stable UPA government headed by a former finance minister who will make sure that Rakesh Jhunjhunwala gets richer, made the nose-digging third and fourth fronts disappear and prevented the entry of Yashwant Sinha into the Finance Ministry.

To those people I have this to say:

You’re absolutely bloody right!

I mean come on! I’m never ever going to miss a chance to subtly highlight to the rest of the world how much of a genius I am.What do you in fact think I’ve been doing on CNBC TV18 and NDTV Profit for the last two days, huh?

I’ve been throwing around phrases like ‘This Is a Vote for Stability’,’ It’s A Vote against Divisive Politics’ and ‘The Government Will Be Stable For The Next Five Years’.

All this basically means 1 thing and 1 thing only, that in the next five years I’m going to be a hell of a lot richer than I already am and the bloody Communists can’t do a single thing about it.

I’ve forced the sickle makers into a remote corner within the country. In that remote corner the Marxists are busy applying marks on themselves and others. The sight of a FRIED CARROT always pleases me especially when the Fried Carrot is none other than PRAKASH CARROT.

D.Raja will no longer appear on my domain and bark like a howling dog that repeatedly changes the language of its bark from English to Tamil and Tamil to English. Right.

Sitaram Yuck-Ury will be unable to holler his ridiculous anti market ideas on TV.

The communists are ripping each other apart in their politburo meetings and I like it. Maybe they’ll get bored and beat themselves with their hammers. That way they’ll be entirely gone.

It took thirty seconds for the Sensex to jump by over 2000 points after I got rid of the communists. In market terms pundits say that the Sensex has hit the upper circuit.

This is why I recommend the use of Havell’s Circuit Breakers.The communists haven’t used Havell’s, this is why they’re saying ‘SHOCK LAGAA LAGAA, SHOCK LAGAA’.

Isn’t it ironic that at the time that Sonia Gandhi achieves her biggest victory, the man who murdered her husband and made her a widow is lying as a corpse having his body eaten by flies and maggots?

That’s what happens when you kill thousands including our Prime Minister you stupid filthy son of a bitch.

Now that he’s gone and the recession is making jobs hard to find I wonder what Vaiko will do from now on? But if he enters my Bombay Stock Exchange, I’ll be sure to banish him to communist land where like the other communists he can dance around their sacred idol-the politburo.

Mission accomplished.

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