Sunday, May 31, 2009

That’s Not What FART MONKEY Said

One of my closest friends is a primate named FART MONKEY.FART MONKEY is among the most enraged creatures on the Planet. He was born with a severe anger management problem.

Sometimes people stand in front of Fart Monkey and try to convince him of their greatness but Fart Monkey doesn’t care. Many people have been told not to mess with fart Monkey but they don’t listen. Some people were stupid enough to get in the way of Fart Monkey and they suffered the consequences.

General Warning –Fart Monkey uses a lot of bad language. If you have a problem with Fart Monkey using fowl language then please feel free to write a letter to me and I will make sure to have that letter burnt.


When Shashi Tharoor said:

“India's place in the world is of great importance. India is a country which for the longest period of time, since the days of Jawaharlal Nehru, has had an honored place in the world ......And I wish to make my own contribution for strengthening. I am very happy to be here. This is a ministry that I have had very very good, constructive and positive dealings with for many many years and to be part of this is a real privilege. I have not had any chance to be briefed on anything. I need to learn before I speak.”

Fart Monkey Said:

#1 Who the FU*K are you? Fart Monkey has never heard of you before.

#2 Maybe you forgot the question DICKHEAD.It was ‘What Is Your Name?’ and I thought P.Chidambaram was the only one who could speak like this.


When Danny Boyle said:

"When we saw the news stories that the kids' homes had been demolished it was of course a huge concern to us.”

Fart Monkey Said:

Okay listen ASSHOLE; we’ve put up with enough of your bullshit over the past six months. Nobody cares about you or your stupid film anymore. Pack your bags and take a hike or else I’m gonna have to call the RIOTICIANS to break your bones on the charges of being an outsider.

When that happens maybe I’ll make a movie titled ‘Slumdog Millionaire Part 2 :How Danny Boyle Got His Punk Ass Whipped By The Maharashtra Navnirman Sena For Unnecessarily Entering The Country And Pissing Fart Monkey Off Too Many Damn Times’


When Kavya Shivashankar Said:

“When I was the last one left, I thought I had a chance to win, but I didn’t think about (winning) until then,” I had focused on one word at a time.”

Fart Monkey started this conversation:

Fart Monkey doesn’t consider SPELLING to be a sport but apparently you do which is why you’re talking like MS Dhoni after winning a match.

Kavya Shivashankar: But spelling is a sport!!

Fart Monkey: No it’s not. A sport has to involve the use of balls. Spelling has no BALLS but Cricket, Football, Basketball and Baseball all have BALLS.

A sport without balls is like not asking Prahlad Kakkar what he thinks about sports without balls.

Kavya Shivashankar: This is an insult!!

Fart Monkey : Okay let me test you. Can you spell KING?

Kavya Shivashankar: Of course .K-I-N-G

Fart Monkey: WRONG, see I knew you were no good. King is spelt as K-I-N-N-G.

Kavya Shivashankar: No it’s not! How ridiculous!

Fart Monkey: Stupid girl, you should be hanged and burnt like the witches in medieval Europe. Why don’t you just look at a poster of SINGH IS KINNG?

Kavya Shivashankar: Test me again. Please.

Fart Monkey: Okay, spell KEY.

Kavya Shivashankar: K-E-Y

Fart Monkey: Wrong again.

Kavya Shivashankar: That’s impossible. Key is spelt as K-E-Y the world over. How can it be anything else?

Fart Monkey: Key is spelt in India with many K’s like this KKKKKKKKKKKKKK-E-Y.


Fart Monkey: Which dictionary?

Kavya Shivashankar: Any dictionary.

Fart Monkey: Wrong again, Ekkkkta kkkapoor’s dictionary spells it like this only and that’s the correct way.

Kavya Shivashankar: Please let me try again.

Fart Monkey: OK ,spell KHOPDI.

Kavya Shivashankar: What’s a KHOPDI? Is it even English?

Fart Monkey: Yes it’s a Hindi film with an English title.

Kavya Shivashankar: I’m sorry I can’t.

Fart Monkey: Ok, spell QATIL CHUDAIL,

Kavya Shivashankar: What is that?

Fart Monkey: It’s a true story of a murderous CHUDAIL captured on film by Kanti Shah.

Kavya Shivashankar: Okay here I go-


Fart Monkey: Wrong again,

It’s Q-A-T-I-L -C-H-U-D-A-I-L

Kavya Shivashankar: Oh man, Indian spellings are difficult.

Fart Monkey: Yes that’s why your over eager parents took you to the US. Anyone can spell anything there. In India you wouldn’t even get past the qualifier in a Spelling Bee.

Kavya Shivashankar: Come on, give me one last chance.

Fart Monkey: Okay spell ROOHANI TAAQAT.

Kavya Shivashankar: That’s easy.R-O-O-H-A-N-I-T-A-A-Q-A-T.

Fart Monkey: Wrong again stupid girl.

Kavya Shivashankar: What? I’m 100 % sure that’s how you spell ROOHANI TAAQAT.

Fart Monkey: No you forgot to add the two skulls in between.

Kavya Shivashankar: I’ll go and cry in my room now.

Fart Monkey: Yes, get lost and in case I’m not there the next time to remind you how stupid you are just imagine me pointing a finger at you and laughing till you burst out in pangs of humiliation and embarrassment.

Kavya Shivashankar: Okay, Sob, Sob.


When Baljinder Singh Said:

"My advice to every Indian student now who wants to come to Australia is, please don't come and there's no life here. I was very scared to see the knives. They asked me if I had any money. I told them to hang on, as I looked for my purse in my bag which was very messy... In first five seconds, one of the guys stabbed me in my stomach. I just fell down on the floor"

Fart Monkey Said: Now did you by any chance use the word ‘Monkey’ even though you actually said ‘MAA KI’ because Australians especially cricketers get worked up over things like this.


When Imran Mirza Said:

"This is to confirm that Sania Mirza is engaged to Mr. Muhammad Sohrab Mirza, whose family hails from the city of Hyderabad. Although not related, the two families have had friendly ties for several decades. It has also been wrongly projected that Sania is contemplating early retirement from tennis. These reports are absolutely untrue,"

Fart Monkey Said: Oh good for you. Now the rest of the country has to continue putting up with your dumb as dog shit daughter losing every single tennis match for as long as she decides not to play anymore.


When Ashwani Gujral Said:

“Alok Industries is sort of a textile/capital raising type of play. Here you could have Rs 17.5 stop loss and if it can maintain above Rs 20, you could see levels of about Rs 30 coming in here”

Fart Monkey Said: A hormonally charged rabbit such as yourself should be immediately arrested for impersonating a technical analyst. If I wanted to lose money by investing in stocks I’d come to you but as a Fart Monkey I want to make money by investing in stocks that’s why I choose Rakeshji Jhunjhunwalaji and not your loss making ‘advice’ on CNBC.


When Bhavna Mukhopadhaya Said:

“The pictorial warnings are a big breakthrough. They will help in sensitizing people about tobacco hazards and new tobacco consumers will think twice before taking these products”

Fart Monkey Said: So you’re actually telling me that by putting a picture on a cigarette packet people will from now on actually give a shit about their health? Wow! It’s a revelation .Where were you for so long?


When A BJP Party Functionary Said:

“Varun factor polarized Muslim in favor of Congress but due to double standard taken by the party, Hindus remained confused and eventually voted on caste lines”

Fart Monkey Said: Kill the Fu*kin central leadership right now. How dare they confuse the Hindus. THE BASTARDS.


When Robert Gates said:

“We will not stand idly by as North Korea builds the capability to wreak destruction on any target in Asia – or on us, They create a crisis, and the rest of us pay the price to return to the status quo ante. As the expression goes in the U.S., I'm tired of buying the same horse twice. There are other ways perhaps to get the North Koreans to change their approach. I think this notion that we buy our way back to the status quo ante is an approach that I personally at least think we ought to think very hard about”

Fart Monkey telephoned Kim Jong IL, King of North Korea:

Kim Jong IL: wazzupp, Its Kim.

Fart Monkey: Hey dude its Fart Monkey. Robert Gates just said something about horses used a phrase called ‘status quo ante’ and buying his way back.

Kim Jong: What is he talking about?

Fart Monkey: Nuclear weapons I think.

Kim Jong: Tell him to leave my horses alone. Also tell him that I don’t care and that he can go FU*K

Fart Monkey is now on his way to meet Robert Gates and deliver the message to Kim personally.

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