Saturday, September 25, 2010

Note To Suresh Kalmadi : This Is A Public Service Announcement Offering Your Ass A Free Attitude Adjustment

Dear Suresh Kalmadi,

If India were anything apart from a democracy your fate as of this moment would have been far different. A dictatorship for instance would have drilled a hole in you, fastened a marauding steel chain through your ribs and hauled your body into a dungeon where you would have been beaten, battered, finely diced, smashed and pulverized into tiny fragments till all that’s left of you would be well refined bone powder. At this stage this powder would be deposited into an urn which would then be displayed in a museum under the exhibit titled ‘COUNTRY’S GREATEST ASSHOLES’.

Of course with India being a democracy the worse that will happen to you is a court case which will take the rest of your life to finish allowing you enough time to Apply,Re-Apply And Re-Re-Re Apply for bail thereby making sure that you never even see the inside of a jail cell. Accountability and responsibility being totally lost on you, you will roam around India being freer and more exposed than Rakhi Sawant’s cleavage after a fresh refilling of silicon.

After your adventures at organizing the Commonwealth Games I can only honor you by throwing a pair of shoes at you that have been first dolloped with generous heaps of Dog Shit,Plastered with the muckiest amounts of Horse Shit ,Embalmed with the grainiest helpings of Monkey Crap,slathered in Bacterial Rat Slime mixed in with finely powdered DVD Fragments of films starring Uday Chopra and Tusshar Kapoor while exposed to radiation beams emitted from charging up Rahul Mahajan’s brain and then sent through an all expenses paid trip across the entire length and breadth of India’s acclaimed sewer system.

After this the shoes would then have to be launched from ISRO’s rocket launch centre at Sriharikota at the exact coordinates that when they’re launched they clock you straight in the jaw.

But throwing the shoes at you would be highly insulting to not only the shoes but also the Dog Shit, Horse Shit, Monkey Crap, Uday Chopra & Tusshar Kapoor Film DVD’s, Rat Slime, Rahul Mahajan’s Radiated Brain and India’s entire sewer system.

You are a special type of Asshole. An extremely rare breed of SHITHEAD, endowed with a staggering talent for creating bullshit. A distinguished idiot wrapped in a moron topped off with generous amounts of DICKHEADEDNESS all of which have led you to your immortal achievements at the CWG.

Therefore throwing the shoes at you would not only insult the shoes, they would also be highly inadequate to celebrate the magnificent achievements of a celebrated and gargantuan asshole such as yourself.

So if something has to be thrown at you the only thing that can do justice would be YOU, therefore we would have to throw YOU at YOU! This is the only way your Assholic brilliance can be fully recognized.

Hence we would need to first extract massive amounts of DNA from you .Then cryogenically freeze you and keep you safe in a hyperbaric chamber.

Your extracted DNA would then be used to create an exact clone of yourself. The DNA would be fertilized into an empty human egg and placed into the uterus of a surrogate who would then incubate the embryo till it is born 9 months later as a fully developed baby!

This cloned Kalmadi baby would then be raised till it reaches a suitable age where it socially develops the same brand of incompetence, corruption, mismanagement, lying, cheating and scamming that you currently possess. After the clone attains a suitable appearance very much like yours it would then be taken and prepared to be thrown at you.

You would then be unfrozen from your cryogenic status and placed upon a tall pedestal. Now the clone would be taken, placed in a cannon and shot at you at full speed till it impacts you straight and with as much force as a hi-tech ballistic missile.

Now that’s the way to properly honor you!

Simply throwing shoes at you would hardly celebrate your achievements. You can only be honored by throwing yourself @ yourself or in this case a highly developed clone of yourself at yourself!!

Watching you organize these CWG Games over the past 2 years has been an even less pleasurable experience than perhaps jamming a metal spike up my nose right into my brain and turning it around till I hemorrhage.

All this country wanted to do was to host a successful games for 2 weeks and try to show some semblance that a population of a billion can make a half decent effort to organize a sporting event for a fortnight.

It’s bad enough every Terrorist Jihadi Asshole and his donkey from across the border wants to bomb the shit out of the Games to show the ‘infidels’ that India is a conspirator in the imperialistic designs of the Americans and every other possible excuse in between.


No athlete is anyway going to feel safe when the security arrangements are being handled by these guys: The Delhi Police .That’s Right – I Said The Delhi Police.

This country has enough problems in every nook and corner of its being. There are stone throwers in Kashmir, Naxals in Bihar, Chhattisgarh, West Bengal, Andhra Pradesh and Jharkhand, farmers killing themselves in Vidarbha, hostile neighbors on either side, mass poverty and unemployment throughout the country, rising prices, rotting grains, the list is endless. Most of all this is a society in which Ravindra Jadeja repeatedly gets selected into the Indian cricket team!

But you have easily overpowered all of the above and become the centre of attention for Organizing The Most Enormously Disorganized Commonwealth Games in History.

At every step you and your entourage have successfully sucked money out of these games. You have sucked so much from these games that you should be a case study for Industrial Strength High Power Vacuum Cleaners.

Your CWG adventures have led the country to shell out more than 70,000 Crores for something that could be accomplished and accomplished excellently at tenth of that price. So while you were spinning your fairytales about India being a sporting superpower our tax money was busy lining them Swiss Bank accounts.

Of course how you landed this job in the first place is one big mystery something the combined tenacity of Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot and the entire CID team of ACP Pradyuman cannot figure out though we should be less surprised when we realize India’s Sports Minister is MS Gill.

A Sports Minister who wouldn’t know the difference between the Sport of Javelin from the Port Of Mumbai. This is the same man who asked P.Gopichand ; only the second Indian ever to win the All England Badminton Championship and the mentor of India’s greatest ever Women’s Badminton Player Saina Nehwal,– “Who Are You?”

The same MS Gill who shooed away the coach of World Champion Wrestler Sushil Kumar as if he were a street dog.

Finding all the cash you and your buddies have made from this CWG story will be impossible to find. It would infact be easier to search for and find Osama Bin Laden in the mountains of Afghanistan and the borders of Pakistan than all the convoluted hawala trails this CWG money has been through.

So Congrats, you made your grease. Hiring a jackass to run our Games has cost us 70,000 Crores. At Least In Return You Could Have Done What Was Expected Of You – Your Job

Instead we witnessed along with the rest of the world what your efforts have led to with just 8 days left for the games .These spectacles:

The athletes who are to stay in these rooms would much rather opt to stay in the untreated underside of a gutter under a pig sty instead of these so called ‘accommodations’.

Were these rooms meant for human beings or visiting cockroaches with no disrespect meant towards any cockroaches?

And while Delhi races against time to prep these games waging a war against the rains, dengue and your collapsing architecture your right hand man, the Hon-Her-Able Lalit Bhanot is busy saying things like this:

This after the same guy authorizes toilet paper to be bought at 4000 bucks a pop.

I will pray these games succeed not for your sake but for all those who have worked hard to make these games a success.

1.] The Laborers Clearing the Debris,

2.] The Umpteen Volunteers Showing Up With a Smile on Their Faces to Make Delhi a Hospitable Place

3.] The Civil Servants in the Government Who Are Entrusted the Task of Cleaning the Mess You Created

4.] Those Athletes Who Are Still Considerate Enough To Participate In This Otherwise Pot Boiled CLUSTERFU*K

And for the rest of us WHO ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN.

You on the other hand deserve a special salute for your efforts. It’s called THE MIDDLE FINGER SALUTE and it looks a little something like this:

There Are A Whole Bunch Of Creatures Giving You The Middle Finger Salute Dear Kalmadi.







Even I salute you Kalmadi!

Now Go To Hell And Take That Shitbag Lalit Bhanot With You.

Yours Sincerely,

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Hey Ted Strickland, You’re Gonna Get It Now BITCH, Mulayam Singh Yadav Is Coming To Ohio To Whoop Your Ass!

For the past few days I’ve been in a celebratory mood .My blood levels have been saturated with an infinite amount of Biryani following Eid & over the last few days I have been self indulgent gorging my luscious taste buds on the wonderfully delicious plethora of sweetmeats and savories that I must endure because of God Ganesha’s Happy Birthday!!! Despite my Diabetes problem I have taken it upon myself to finish an abundant supply of Ladoos,Modaks,Burfis,Kheer and every other sugar based food item the Indian civilization has produced all in an effort to please God Ganesha. Afterall I look like him!

I’ve also celebrated by updating my extremely rare and priceless collection of Ganesha statues. For the Ganesh festival I acquired the ancient, unique and magnificent GXQKMI789 model Ganesha statue. There are only 2 statues of this particular Ganesha and I now have one of them. The other is locked away in a sealed compartment guarded by the fiercest security at the mansion of one Rahul Mahajan. Pretty soon I shall steal it at which time I will possess both the GXQKMI789 Ganesha statues leading me and God Ganesha to exalt joyously, simultaneously forcing Rahul Mahajan in a pit of despair.

In the meanwhile an attempt has been made to obstruct cash money that I am by virtue of being the World’s Greatest Investor & The World’s 937th Richest Man entitled to rule over. The man behind this nefarious scheme is Ted Strickland, The Governor of the American State of Ohio who recently made a decision to ban the outsourcing of jobs from Ohio to India.

This development directly concerns me simply because it gets in the way of the currency notes that would have otherwise nestled in the warmth and safety of one of my many cozy bank vaults.

The jobs that are outsourced to India allow Indian companies to make money and when these companies make money, I derive money from them as I invest in some of these companies.

Ted Strickland’s outsourcing ban has gotten in the way of my money and whenever somebody stands in between me and my money, it becomes personal. Like a gangster I will squeeze out every last penny from one who owes me money and chase him to the most solitary corner of the universe and reign the apocalypse down on his ass till he pays .They don’t call me RAKESH BHAI for nothing….right.

In fact if Osama Bin Laden owed me even a single paisa I’d have found him by now and beat his ass black and blue till there would be nothing left of him for the Americans to gather. NEVER EVER STAND IN THE WAY OF A MARWARI’S MONEY LET ALONE RAKESH BHAI’S MONEY.


See, I wouldn’t have had a problem with Ted Strickland’s Ohio Outsourcing ban if it were an economic decision. But I know that the bugger has his eyes on the Ohio Mid Term Elections. So in effect this is a political decision.

So if Ted Strickland wants to play politics he’d better get ready. I’m dispatching a special political operative to deal with Strickland. His name is Mulayam Singh Yadav and pretty soon Ohio will be converted into Uttar Pradesh. You wanna play politics, fine! Let’s see how you deal with an Indian politician – especially Mulayam Singh Yadav.

Mulayam Singh Yadav will restore the Indian right to do American jobs at a cheaper rate.

Ted Strickland has powerful friends like Michelle and Barack Obama:

Mulayam Singh has even more powerful friends like Laloo Yadav, Amar Singh, Ram Vilas Paswan and the guy who acted in Munnabhai MBBS.

Ted Strickland studied hard and obtained many degrees from many prestigious universities.

Mulayam Singh Yadav on the other hand said “Screw Studies, I’m riding a cycle to work everyday”

Strickland asks people to vote for him by answering questions, encouraging debates and promoting healthy discussion on government policy.

Mulayam Singh never asks, he commands people to vote for him because if someone does not vote for Mulayam Singh Yadav he sends Samajwadi Party workers to their house and this is what they do to them.

Ted Strickland takes a personal interest in the education of the children of Ohio.

Mulayam Singh never troubles children by telling them to study. Any child’s education is considered complete if he/she learns the Samajwadi Party manifesto by heart.

Strickland thinks he is cool because he wears army clothes.

Mulayam Singh is way cooler because he pimps out in his red hat.

Ted Strickland supports Free Speech and the right to freedom of speech and expression.

Mulayam Singh gives long SPEECHES for FREE across Uttar Pradesh therefore he supports FREE SPEECH even more than Strickland.

Ted Strickland is appreciated by kids and teenagers.

Mulayam Singh is supremely appreciated not only by teenagers and kids who wear Mulayam Singh face masks whenever they bathe as a sign of appreciation but also the entire buffalo population of Uttar Pradesh.

Ted Strickland backs Obama and supports the theme of ‘CHANGE WE NEED’

Mulayam Singh gets change by any means necessary including the begging bowl.

Ted Strickland is a strong advocate of reading.

The only reading Mulayam Singh ever did in his whole life was when he had to read the oath at the Swearing In Ceremony for the Chief Ministership of Uttar Pradesh.

Ted Strickland inspires young children to join politics.

Mulayam Singh inspires his own children like his son Akhilesh Singh Yadav to join politics.

Ted Strickland is an avid supporter of Ohio’s Baseball team – The Cleveland Indians.

Mulayam Singh has awesome MAN-BOOBS. This shows he is an enormous supporter of THE CLEAVAGE-LAND INDIANS.

Moral Of The Story: Uttar Pradesh + Mulayam Singh > Ohio + Ted Strickland

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Jhunjhunwala Times : The Curious Case Of Dino Morea

John Cloud Van Damn|Senior Correspondent

The Jhunjhunwala Times News Network

Saturday, September 4, 2010

In a shocking turn of events under highly bizarre circumstances Bollywood superstar and former fashion model Dino Morea known as the ‘Robert De Niro of India’ has been reported missing.

Dino whose full name is Dinanath Mohan Ravi Shankar Morea is one of Indian cinema’s biggest and most popular actors having appeared in more than 78 films including such mega blockbusters like ‘Baaz – A Bird In Danger’, ‘Fight Club – Members Only’, ‘Chehraa – The Face’, ‘Gumnaam - The Mystery’, ‘Bhram – The Illusion’ and the highly controversial Acid Factory which was banned in many states across India due to its highly volatile and acidic content.

A preliminary FIR filed at the Colaba Police Station indicates that Dino Morea has not been seen for a very long time leading law enforcement agencies to believe that the cine star may have been abducted and more so become a victim of serious criminal activities.

Sources within the Police say that Dino’s colossal stardom had earned him many enemies within the Indian Film Industry which may have prompted some to be involved in his alleged disappearance.

Mr. Ramchin Tamang, President of the All India Dino Morea Fan Club And Well Wishers Association ©™ headquartered in Manipur speaking to the press said “This is a national outrage and it is all the government’s fault. Morea Sir has always given his best to India whether in terms of acting or otherwise. Despite repeated threats the government refused to provide Dino Sir with security which is the reason why he has completely gone missing today! If God forbid something happens to our beloved Morea Sir then on behalf of his fans in Manipur we can promise you that we will resort to a non-stop Manipur blockade”

Support for Dino has also come in from many of his colleagues within the film industry .The Associated Guild Of Super Successful Extremely Talented Genius Actors Within The Indian Film Industry (TAGOSSETGAWTIFI) comprised of big star actors such as Fardeen Khan, Harman Baweja,Tusshar Kapoor, Koena Mitra, Zayed Khan, Esha Deol,Ashmit Patel,Randeep Hooda,Dia Mirza, Mohit Ahalawat, Himesh Reshammiya and Uday Chopra to name a few issued a press statement today stating “Dino is and will always be a valued member of TAGOSSETGAWTIFI .We will spare no effort to find Dino and bring him back to the big screen so he can entertain us the same way he has over the years. Dino, we love you”

Dino was scheduled to star in Rakesh Roshan’s next film, the highly anticipated sequel to Kites, ‘Kites 2 – Return Of Kites’ along with Mexican actress Barbara Mori who had appeared earlier in Kites Part One as well. Industry watchers are already describing the dynamic pairing of Morea and Mori as doing MORE and MORE to further the idea of the visionary Kites franchise.

Asked if Dino Morea’s disappearance has anything to do with parties that did not want Morea to land another hit via Kites 2 and hence have a hand in his disappearance, Inspector Tukaram Bhatavdekar of the Mumbai Police said “See, if the Dino Morea want to do the film with the Barbara Mori about the Kites then we will definitely help to do the finding of the Dino Morea but I am warning Morea to do film only. If the Dino Morea instead of film want to do the baby with the Barbara Mori then it is better he stays disappeared. Population of India already have too many baby and after the Justin Barber’s baby if Morea and Mori also make more and more baby then I will personally arrest them both. I don’t like people who make more baby or Morea baby”

Adding a bit of perspective to the situation, Social Scientist, Economist, Ballet Dancer and India’s Resident Male Pattern Baldness Expert Paranjoy Guha Thakurta says “Dino Morea is perhaps one of India’s greatest actors and it is for this reason that he has earned the very well deserved recognition of being India’s Robert De Niro. You see, Mr.Morea is a unique individual who is able to bridge the cinematic divide across India in being able to appeal to both the rural audience and the urban audience by portraying a wide variety of characters through his fantastic acting talent which is why he is India’s most phenomenal actor.”

Apart from TAGOSSETGAWTIFI, younger actors and newcomers within the industry are campaigning for a CBI probe into the disappearance of Dino. Commenting on the situation young actress Hansika Motwani last seen in Himesh Reshammiya’s epic film ‘Aap Ka Surroor(rrr)’ says “I was looking forward to working with Dino ji in the future and by God’s grace I hope it will come true. I have always been a big fan of Dinoji and right now pray that he is found soon .My friends and I have set up an online petition that everyone can sign to show their support and put pressure on the CBI to probe Dinoji’s sudden disappearance”. Further commenting on the issue she said “We are also going to start candle light vigils across India to show Dinoji that we love him wherever he is.”

Meanwhile the Indian Institute of Paleontology (IIP) which studies Dinosaurs has also decided to come forward with a show of support towards finding Morea by naming their newest Dinosaur fossil discovered in the Thar Desert after Dino Morea. The fossils which were discovered last month indicate a new species of Dinosaur. The IIP has decided to name this species of Dino as ‘Dino Morea’ in what can only be described as a really wonderful case of life imitating art!

The government is contemplating a national and international search for Dino Morea especially after it faced a lot of criticism from the opposition over how it has handled the issue so far. It does not want to face flak over the handling of the issue from the people also which is growing day by day. The government has also instructed the Indian Air Force to search aerially for Dino Morea.

In particular a huge special squadron will be searching for Morea. The squadron is being led by one Group Captain Sachin Tendulkar.

We sure hope that Dino is indeed found soon.

[Photos and Reports from various sources and agencies]

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