The Secret Journal of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala: Note To Suresh Kalmadi : This Is A Public Service Announcement Offering Your Ass A Free Attitude Adjustment

Dear Suresh Kalmadi,

If India were anything apart from a democracy your fate as of this moment would have been far different. A dictatorship for instance would have drilled a hole in you, fastened a marauding steel chain through your ribs and hauled your body into a dungeon where you would have been beaten, battered, finely diced, smashed and pulverized into tiny fragments till all that’s left of you would be well refined bone powder. At this stage this powder would be deposited into an urn which would then be displayed in a museum under the exhibit titled ‘COUNTRY’S GREATEST ASSHOLES’.

Of course with India being a democracy the worse that will happen to you is a court case which will take the rest of your life to finish allowing you enough time to Apply,Re-Apply And Re-Re-Re Apply for bail thereby making sure that you never even see the inside of a jail cell. Accountability and responsibility being totally lost on you, you will roam around India being freer and more exposed than Rakhi Sawant’s cleavage after a fresh refilling of silicon.

After your adventures at organizing the Commonwealth Games I can only honor you by throwing a pair of shoes at you that have been first dolloped with generous heaps of Dog Shit,Plastered with the muckiest amounts of Horse Shit ,Embalmed with the grainiest helpings of Monkey Crap,slathered in Bacterial Rat Slime mixed in with finely powdered DVD Fragments of films starring Uday Chopra and Tusshar Kapoor while exposed to radiation beams emitted from charging up Rahul Mahajan’s brain and then sent through an all expenses paid trip across the entire length and breadth of India’s acclaimed sewer system.

After this the shoes would then have to be launched from ISRO’s rocket launch centre at Sriharikota at the exact coordinates that when they’re launched they clock you straight in the jaw.

But throwing the shoes at you would be highly insulting to not only the shoes but also the Dog Shit, Horse Shit, Monkey Crap, Uday Chopra & Tusshar Kapoor Film DVD’s, Rat Slime, Rahul Mahajan’s Radiated Brain and India’s entire sewer system.

You are a special type of Asshole. An extremely rare breed of SHITHEAD, endowed with a staggering talent for creating bullshit. A distinguished idiot wrapped in a moron topped off with generous amounts of DICKHEADEDNESS all of which have led you to your immortal achievements at the CWG.

Therefore throwing the shoes at you would not only insult the shoes, they would also be highly inadequate to celebrate the magnificent achievements of a celebrated and gargantuan asshole such as yourself.

So if something has to be thrown at you the only thing that can do justice would be YOU, therefore we would have to throw YOU at YOU! This is the only way your Assholic brilliance can be fully recognized.

Hence we would need to first extract massive amounts of DNA from you .Then cryogenically freeze you and keep you safe in a hyperbaric chamber.

Your extracted DNA would then be used to create an exact clone of yourself. The DNA would be fertilized into an empty human egg and placed into the uterus of a surrogate who would then incubate the embryo till it is born 9 months later as a fully developed baby!

This cloned Kalmadi baby would then be raised till it reaches a suitable age where it socially develops the same brand of incompetence, corruption, mismanagement, lying, cheating and scamming that you currently possess. After the clone attains a suitable appearance very much like yours it would then be taken and prepared to be thrown at you.

You would then be unfrozen from your cryogenic status and placed upon a tall pedestal. Now the clone would be taken, placed in a cannon and shot at you at full speed till it impacts you straight and with as much force as a hi-tech ballistic missile.

Now that’s the way to properly honor you!

Simply throwing shoes at you would hardly celebrate your achievements. You can only be honored by throwing yourself @ yourself or in this case a highly developed clone of yourself at yourself!!

Watching you organize these CWG Games over the past 2 years has been an even less pleasurable experience than perhaps jamming a metal spike up my nose right into my brain and turning it around till I hemorrhage.

All this country wanted to do was to host a successful games for 2 weeks and try to show some semblance that a population of a billion can make a half decent effort to organize a sporting event for a fortnight.

It’s bad enough every Terrorist Jihadi Asshole and his donkey from across the border wants to bomb the shit out of the Games to show the ‘infidels’ that India is a conspirator in the imperialistic designs of the Americans and every other possible excuse in between.

WHATEVER.

No athlete is anyway going to feel safe when the security arrangements are being handled by these guys: The Delhi Police .That’s Right – I Said The Delhi Police.

This country has enough problems in every nook and corner of its being. There are stone throwers in Kashmir, Naxals in Bihar, Chhattisgarh, West Bengal, Andhra Pradesh and Jharkhand, farmers killing themselves in Vidarbha, hostile neighbors on either side, mass poverty and unemployment throughout the country, rising prices, rotting grains, the list is endless. Most of all this is a society in which Ravindra Jadeja repeatedly gets selected into the Indian cricket team!

But you have easily overpowered all of the above and become the centre of attention for Organizing The Most Enormously Disorganized Commonwealth Games in History.

At every step you and your entourage have successfully sucked money out of these games. You have sucked so much from these games that you should be a case study for Industrial Strength High Power Vacuum Cleaners.

Your CWG adventures have led the country to shell out more than 70,000 Crores for something that could be accomplished and accomplished excellently at tenth of that price. So while you were spinning your fairytales about India being a sporting superpower our tax money was busy lining them Swiss Bank accounts.

Of course how you landed this job in the first place is one big mystery something the combined tenacity of Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot and the entire CID team of ACP Pradyuman cannot figure out though we should be less surprised when we realize India’s Sports Minister is MS Gill.

A Sports Minister who wouldn’t know the difference between the Sport of Javelin from the Port Of Mumbai. This is the same man who asked P.Gopichand ; only the second Indian ever to win the All England Badminton Championship and the mentor of India’s greatest ever Women’s Badminton Player Saina Nehwal,– “Who Are You?”

The same MS Gill who shooed away the coach of World Champion Wrestler Sushil Kumar as if he were a street dog.

Finding all the cash you and your buddies have made from this CWG story will be impossible to find. It would infact be easier to search for and find Osama Bin Laden in the mountains of Afghanistan and the borders of Pakistan than all the convoluted hawala trails this CWG money has been through.

So Congrats, you made your grease. Hiring a jackass to run our Games has cost us 70,000 Crores. At Least In Return You Could Have Done What Was Expected Of You – Your Job

Instead we witnessed along with the rest of the world what your efforts have led to with just 8 days left for the games .These spectacles:

The athletes who are to stay in these rooms would much rather opt to stay in the untreated underside of a gutter under a pig sty instead of these so called ‘accommodations’.

Were these rooms meant for human beings or visiting cockroaches with no disrespect meant towards any cockroaches?

And while Delhi races against time to prep these games waging a war against the rains, dengue and your collapsing architecture your right hand man, the Hon-Her-Able Lalit Bhanot is busy saying things like this: