See What Happens When I Get Rid Of The Communists!

Those who’re reading this entry in my journal(including Shankar Sharma)are probably telling themselves that this is going to be yet another discourse on how Shri.Rakesh Jhunjhunwala singlehandedly sunk the communists,delivered a stable UPA government headed by a former finance minister who will make sure that Rakesh Jhunjhunwala gets richer, made the nose-digging third and fourth fronts disappear and prevented the entry of Yashwant Sinha into the Finance Ministry.

To those people I have this to say:

You’re absolutely bloody right!

I mean come on! I’m never ever going to miss a chance to subtly highlight to the rest of the world how much of a genius I am.What do you in fact think I’ve been doing on CNBC TV18 and NDTV Profit for the last two days, huh?

I’ve been throwing around phrases like ‘This Is a Vote for Stability’,’ It’s A Vote against Divisive Politics’ and ‘The Government Will Be Stable For The Next Five Years’.

All this basically means 1 thing and 1 thing only, that in the next five years I’m going to be a hell of a lot richer than I already am and the bloody Communists can’t do a single thing about it.

I’ve forced the sickle makers into a remote corner within the country. In that remote corner the Marxists are busy applying marks on themselves and others. The sight of a FRIED CARROT always pleases me especially when the Fried Carrot is none other than PRAKASH CARROT.

D.Raja will no longer appear on my domain and bark like a howling dog that repeatedly changes the language of its bark from English to Tamil and Tamil to English. Right.

Sitaram Yuck-Ury will be unable to holler his ridiculous anti market ideas on TV.

The communists are ripping each other apart in their politburo meetings and I like it. Maybe they’ll get bored and beat themselves with their hammers. That way they’ll be entirely gone.

It took thirty seconds for the Sensex to jump by over 2000 points after I got rid of the communists. In market terms pundits say that the Sensex has hit the upper circuit.

This is why I recommend the use of Havell’s Circuit Breakers.The communists haven’t used Havell’s, this is why they’re saying ‘SHOCK LAGAA LAGAA, SHOCK LAGAA’.

Isn’t it ironic that at the time that Sonia Gandhi achieves her biggest victory, the man who murdered her husband and made her a widow is lying as a corpse having his body eaten by flies and maggots?

That’s what happens when you kill thousands including our Prime Minister you stupid filthy son of a bitch.

Now that he’s gone and the recession is making jobs hard to find I wonder what Vaiko will do from now on? But if he enters my Bombay Stock Exchange, I’ll be sure to banish him to communist land where like the other communists he can dance around their sacred idol-the politburo.

Mission accomplished.

Product Testing And Subtexting

As the official brand ambassador of Telebrands, yours truly is often required to test their newest products.

Their latest product is called the Telebrands SUBTEXTER™ and I’ve been trying it out on all these guys.

Prime Minister, Dr Manmohan Singh: “We have the capacity and ability to sustain the growth rate of about eight per cent and will do so.”

Subtext: It’s amazing how I have a degree in Economics from Cambridge University but can still continue to say that we can grow at 8% despite the worst economic crisis in a century. I only have to keep saying this till the ELECTION, after that it’s someone else’s problem.

LK Advani: “The government's flawed policies led to high inflation.”

Subtext: Let me see now. I blamed the UPA government for:

1. The Nuclear Deal.

2. The terrorist attacks (both in India and planet Neptune).

3. Cash for votes scam.

4. Kandhamal violence.

5. Every single flyover collapse this past decade.

6. Crash of the Sensex in 2008.

7. Somali pirates.

8. Barack Obama becoming US president.

9. Habibul Bashar and the Bangladesh team joining the ICL.

10. Congo Pirates.

11. Lalu Yadav using hair gel on my birthday.

12. Katrina Kaif still using a dubbing artist to speak Hindi in her films.

13. Banning the film ‘Deshdrohi’.

14. etc.

I‘ve got to find newer things to blame the government or else I’ll never be PM.

CB Bhave, Chairman SEBI: "There is no evidence so far that any Bear cartel is operating or there is any kind of manipulation in the markets."

Subtext: I learnt a new word called CARTEL after the Telecom Minister also said the CARTEL was behind the 60,000 Crore rupees spectrum scam.

Vijay Mallya: “I do not run Kingfisher Airlines through media.”

Subtext: Ooh Laa Laa Laa Lala Looeye Oh,Oo Laa Laa Laa Laa Laa Ley Oh.

Montek Singh Ahluwalia: "Let me assure you that inflation is coming down and in recessionary circumstances, industry will automatically soften prices."

Subtext: That’s the 9 millionth time I’ve said something stupid but I know I’ll get away with it. I can always say I was quoted out of context if someone brings this up.

CPM General Secretary Prakash Karat: "They will pay for their misdeeds and people will vote them out of power. What we need to see is that no communal party sits in the chair. We are confident of a good performance"

Subtext: Okay listen, how come none of the news channels are talking about me ever since the Nuclear Deal-Confidence Vote fiasco ended? I feel so used.

Karan Johar :"It's fun and new. We've made sure not to offend any group or community. I'd never make a film that would offend anybody. Dostana has a great look and it's a clean happy watch"

Subtext: I’ve just taken my secret gay existence to a whole new level. I made a film where one of the heroes is married to Aishwarya Rai and the other is engaged to Bipasha Basu.That’s two guys involved with the two hottest chicks in the country and I still show them as gay people in my film. How many more clues do people actually need to realize I too am gay? Should I start wearing a sari now?

Praveen Togadia: “I do not know Pragya Singh at all. But I know she is not a terrorist.”

Subtext: Only Muslims are terrorists, especially the converted Muslims like Mikaeel Jackson.

Deve Gowda IS Greater Than Barack Obama

Trying to understand this has been very hard. The entire world is happy that Barack Obama is the next President of the United States. The media monkeys are jumping for joy.

I fail to understand what the gallata is all about but I can sense the media’s excitement. The Americans make a big deal of absolutely everything. Clearly they don’t know what a real election is.Only 1 out of two people could have won the presidency of the US. It could only have been John McCain or Barack Obama. So the media asking questions like ‘Who Will Be the Next President’ is total bullshit.

If the Americans want to make a big deal about an election, they should do it here in India because in our country anyone can be Prime Minister;Sonia Gandhi,Manmohan Singh,LK Advani,Rajnath Singh, Narendra Modi, Prakash Carrot,Mayawati,Chiranjeevi,Syed Shahbuddin, Lalu Yadav, Pappu Yadav,DP Yadav,Venkaiah Naidu, The Guy From The Surya Bulbs And Tubes Ad,Udit Narayan,Sania Mirza,My Milkman,……Anyone.

The difference is that our Prime Ministers don’t need to work as hard as Obama to become the boss of the country. We believe in simple solutions. Another example of the India Story.

Barack Obama worked way too hard to become the President. He should have learnt the Indian way to be the leader of a democracy from the experts like Deve Gowda.

For the past 2 years Obama ran around all across America. He went from state to state and gave speech after speech for 12 hours a day. He said ‘We Need Change’. The American Beggars Society threw coins at him. That’s how he got his campaign money:

Deve Gowda on the other hand went to a party meeting just for the free snacks and before the meeting was over became the eleventh Prime Minister of India:

Barack Obama shook people’s hands, greeted them and said nice things:

Deve Gowda was sleeping:

Barack Obama was on TV every night debating important issues trying to convince people to make him the next US President:

Deve Gowda was sleeping:

Barack Obama made fancy speeches and used big words like democracy, freedom, Bin Laden, etc:

Deve Gowda was sleeping:

Barack Obama is a moron because he exhausts his body by standing for hours giving speeches:

Deve Gowda always sits down and gives speeches:

Barack Obama gave away a free T-Shirt every time somebody gave him $30:

Deve Gowda dressed like this:

Barack Obama will spend the next four years framing economic policy, managing the Iraqi war and dealing with Russia:

When he was PM, Deve Gowda massaged his lower lip and tried to guess the number of stars in the sky:

Obama will spend hours and weeks trying to rectify the problems of his country. His team will find every possible solution to solve a problem and if that fails Obama will accept responsibility for the failures of his administration.

Deve Gowda never worried about these things.Whenever something went wrong in the country,He simply pointed to the opposition and said “It’s Their Fault”.

Barack Obama promises to kill Osama Bin Laden:

Asked what he would do if he found Osama; Gowda dug his nose and said “We Will Hand Over the Case to the CBI.”

Obama may be the next President of the US but he knows nothing about leadership like Deve Gowda. Deve Gowda is a man of action.