A Study Of The Communists

The communists are an ancient tribe. They started out in the Stone Age often drawing symbols of the Hammer and the Sickle on the walls of caves.

In India the communists of today are headed by a man called Prakash Carrot.A 24 Karat numbskull with a brain the size of a dust mite. He is the leader of his tribe. Every week or ten days they meet in a secret location and worship their idol called the ‘POLITBURO’. The politburo is nothing more than a bureau with rusty metal hinges.

The communists sing songs and dance all night long in ceremonial robes. Some of them apply red marks on the bodies of others. They are known as Marxists.

Finally they tonk each others heads with hammers. Over the years this has caused serious injury to their leaders especially Prakash Carrot.

At times he is confused whether he’s supposed to support the government or oppose it. Till today Carrot has no idea why the hell he’s even supporting the Manmohan Singh Government.

I know Carrot is a communist simply by looking at his designation. He’s the CPI’s Secretary General. Only a communist organization would use such a lame ass term to describe its top guy. People don’t know whether he’s a Secretary or a General. Is he a General who is also a Secretary? Does that mean that he is busy typing letters while commanding the troops in war? Or is he a General who is someone else’s Secretary. Only the communists could invent an army where there is indeed a higher position than a General and the higher position is served by the General as a Secretary.

Prakash and the communists are strict adherents of the communist manifesto. I recently got a copy of it from the new chairman of the Bombay Stock Exchange. My study of the communists received a big impetus thanks to this strange book. Some of its points read:

• Find a Capitalist Prime Minister and support his party. Then make his life hell by creating more trouble for him than the opposition. Support the government but act like an opposition YET oppose the opposition on the basis of ‘ideology’.

• If something like the Nuclear Deal is good for the country, then it is by default bad.

• It is necessary to have the government waste a ton of cash in trying to negotiate the deal for 3 years and then to stop the deal at the last stage by using the sacred word: OPERATIONALISE.

• A sick old man of eighty called Pranab Mukherjee must be stressed to the point of Cardiac Arrest in negotiating the nuclear deal.

• The party should use a stone faced mole man to shout at television journalists in explicit words. That man should be called AB Bardhan.

• In case AB Bardhan does not produce the required effect, D Raja must be let out of his cage to go and abuse TV journalists in Tamil coated English expletives. He must also repeat ‘nuclear deal’ every 2 seconds and pronounce every as ‘yevery’.

• Mulayam Singh Yadav and Amar Singh should be called ‘comrades’ and given undue importance so that Sitaram Yechury can act in a film alongside Amitabh Bachchan.That film should not be about the nuclear deal.

I am still in the process of decoding the fascinatingly useless mind of the communist through the pages of the manifesto.

Thank Ganesha, I’m no Communist.

----Rakesh Jhunjhunwala,
----Proudly Capitalist.